By Sorceress Quisty
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Seifer fans, don't read! Please R/R, so I know what I'm doing wrong or right. This is my first fic, after all. However, flames with no purpose, i.e. using reviews to insult all Treppies (Don't judge people by the characters they like. I mean, there are good people out there who like SEIFER, of all people. Not that you could assume anything bad about Treppies, however! ^_^), telling me that I should be sold into slavery for writing this, or any utter crap like that, will be immediately printed out and burned/shredded/fed to Griever/all of the above.
Disclaimer: I own the idea of Roommates, but not FFVIII. Don't sue. I also don't own Sailor Moon or the crapsong "Blue Eyes Blue". In fact, I don't know why anyone would WANT to own that horrid, awful song that we all love to hate. Unless they owned an elevator company and needed new elevator music.
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I. The Great Pants Fiasco
"These reality shows aren't hardcore enough," said the producer. And so Roommates was born. You've all seen Survivor, Big Brother, and Fear Factor. But now…
Presenting the greatest game show never televised, Roommates!
For some background info, we now list the most important Roommates rules. There are 7,992 rules that we left out, so don't be surprised if you have no clue about what's going on.
1. If a contestant strays more than 10 feet from their roommate, who is "randomly" assigned to them, then the rule will be enforced by chaining the pair together.
2. Rooms are also "randomly" assigned. Half of the rooms contain laundry chutes. The people not in these rooms must drop off their clothing manually.
114. Contestants may bring a luxury item and 1 (one) outfit. They must drop this outfit off at the laundry room every evening at 5:00.
115. They must drop off this entire outfit.
231. Twice every three days, contestants have a Room Challenge. The first one is for a prize. The second one is for a punishment to the last place.
"COMMITTEE, NEEDED?"
Sorry, Fujin, but you're one of the contestants. Which mean that instead of being part of our pathetic and underpaid staff, you get to be thrown into a tiny room and experience a living hell for however long Sorceress Quisty's attention span with this fic is.
"RAGE!"
Okay, okay, you can discipline your Roommate if it means that much to you.
"HAPPY."
That was… interesting. Continuing with the rules:
4111. Contestants must stay for the duration of the show. The vote on who wins is at the end of the stay.
4112. Glass/metal items are not allowed, because you could use them for suicide. The exception to this rule is when the objects in question have the Roommates logo on them. Yes, that includes the official Roommates glass eyeball.
4115. Each pair will be issued 1 toothbrush, 1 washcloth, and 1 twin bed. The shower has 5 minutes worth of hot water per day.
8000. The prize for the winning pair is 1,000,000,000 gil! Each!
I think we've seen enough. Let's go meet the hostages- I mean contestants.
The door opened. A dark haired girl with a dog walked in.
"Hey! There's no doggie treats here!" yelled Rinoa.
"Doggie treats?" asked the cameraman.
"They said I'd find some treats for Angelo, my dog, if I came in here! And a bone, and a big rubber ball, and my Squally-sama, and-" blathered Rinoa.
"Okay, that's enough! Umm… they're magical doggie treats, and they will only appear once you tell us the obligatory information," said the cameraman.
"Obligatory information?" parroted the girl.
"What the sadistic producer told me to ask you. Who are you, what is your luxury item, and what will you do with the billion gil if you win?"
"OKAY!" said Rinoa happily. "I'm Rinoa Heartilly. I brought Angelo as my luxury item. He chews things when I'm gone. I remember when I was taking the SeeD test, and Angelo chewed up Zone's Girl Next Door magazine! Just seeing that stuff could be hazardous to his poor doggie mind! Anyway, I couldn't bear being away from Angelo for so long! If I win, I think I'll open up a pet store so everybody can have the joy of owning a pet! Hey, where are the doggie treats?"
"They'll be waiting for you at the apartment building. Here's your room box." The cameraman handed Rinoa the little room box.
"What's inside?"
"I don't know, but you can't open it until we get to the apartment building."
"Oh well," said Rinoa. "Come on, Angelo. We must get back to the waiting room. SEE YA!" She ran back out the door, probably to try to find the magical doggie biscuits (even though the contestants are going to the apartment building tommorow.)
"That was easy," muttered the cameraman. "Too easy." Suddenly, a loud voice coming from outside the room was heard.
"GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!"
"What are you talking about? I didn't steal your pants!"
"DON'T PLAY DUMB, YOU LITTLE…"
"Why would I steal your pants? You stole my pants several times this week!"
"ENOUGH! EAT, LIKE, BULLETS!"
Suddenly, Selphie burst into the room.
"Help! Irvine's gone insane!" said Selphie. "He's chasing me around, yelling something about pants!"
"You stole them?" asked the cameraman.
"No, I didn't!" said Selphie, as cheerful as ever. "Let's get this over with! I'm Selphie, I brought my laptop so I can still program the Garden website, and I think my money is going to Irvine's therapy if I win! I guess it's back to being chased!"
"Hey, you forgot your room box!" said the cameraman.
"Booyaka! Thanks so much! Well, come to my funeral!" Selphie left the room. Seconds later, Irvine ran in, wearing no pants. His boxer shorts had hearts, rainbows, and little daisies on them. However, he was even as embarrassed as he was furiously ragefully fuming mad. As we all know, when a man is furiously ragefully fuming mad, it is best not to interview him.
"So, what is your angle on the whole pants issue?" interviewed the cameraman.
"DIE!" yelled Irvine, sounding not unlike Fujin, as he readied his gun (Yes, I know that it's metal, but who wants to argue with a man who has a gun?).
Um… let's cut to the waiting room until we can get a new cameraman and somebody to mop up the old one.
Fujin and Selphie were trying to read some manga. Who would have guessed that Fujin liked Sailor Moon? Selphie may have been more trying to hide behind the book, but Fujin was definitely absorbed in the fluffy, sappy plot. I say that she was trying to read it because the noise was so loud that only a deaf girl could read. Rinoa was still looking for the doggie biscuits, even though she had already searched the waiting room twice. Quistis wrote in a journal, which was apparently her luxury item. Raijin, who had been hired as a bodyguard, was trying to impress Fujin by juggling people's luxury items. Occasionally he dropped things, especially when he was juggling Rinoa's luxury item, Angelo. Seifer had grabbed the karaoke microphone and was belting out "Blue Eyes Blue", probably dedicated to Quistis. He had sung two other awful songs previously, so it was a regular elevator music concert. "I can't believe that this idiot is my boyfriend," wrote Quistis. Irvine was still quite UPSET about his missing pants, and was attacking everything that looked suspicious, and some things that didn't. Meanwhile, Squall and Zell were playing Triple Triad. Zell was in an especially bad mood, and whenever he lost a card, he cast Firaga and set something in the near area on fire.
Oh, good. The new cameraman is here. Now we can go back to one or two delinquents at a time.
Squall and Zell walked into the room. The cameraman decided to stay silent, as Zell was violent when he was losing at Triple Triad. Five minutes later, Zell lost his Squall card and the cameraman caused a brief distraction by bursting into flames. Squall and Zell shrugged, and continued their game elsewhere.
Next cameraman victim. The contestants are starting to almost seem lucky now. Maybe we should get the rest of the crowd in one group.
Quistis, Fujin, and Seifer walked into the room. The cameraman committed suicide at the sight of them.
"Well, we can't let that stop us," said Seifer. "Let the show go on. A little help, Fujin?" Fujin backed into the corner. "Quistis?" Quistis backed into the door. "Well, then, I guess I'll have to do the show by myself." Thankfully, two cameramen burst through the door, just missing Quistis, before Seifer could do anything nasty.
"Okay, just answer our questions," said the first cameraman. "We would actually like to live."
"Who are you guys?" asked the second cameraman.
"FUJIN," said Fujin.
"Quistis Trepe," said Quistis.
"The god of-" said Seifer, before he was cut off.
"He's Seifer," said Quistis.
"Now tell us your luxury items," said cameraman #1, thinking, why didn't I become a garbage man?
"PEPPER SPRAY. BROUGHT. SEIFER, UNDER CONTROL. IN CASE NOT," said Fujin.
"Ooh! Let me see!" said Seifer. Fujin held the pepper spray out of his reach, before he could blind any cameramen.
"INTERVIEW QUICKLY. READING "SAILOR MOON". GOOD PART. PRINCESS FOUND," said Fujin.
"I brought a journal," said Quistis.
"You'll never guess what I brought!" said Seifer, like a giddy schoolgirl.
"What?" said cameraman #2 in a monotone. It sounded more like "what."
"HURRY," said Fujin.
"I brought Irvine's PANTS!" yelled Seifer loudly.
"WHAT?!?!?!" screamed Quistis.
"I said, I brought Irvine's pants!"
"It's OVER!" yelled Quistis, storming out of the room.
"PANTS? THOUGHT HYPERION," said Fujin.
"I brought my Hyperion, too!" said Seifer. "At least I think that's what you were trying to ask…"
"Contestants are not allowed to have more than one luxury it-" the cameramen said in unison. They never lived to finish their sentence. If Seifer can try to kill somebody like Selphie, who is cute and perky and overflowing with happiness, think about what he'll do to some ugly cameramen!
"UGH. NIGHTMARES TONIGHT."
"They deserved it."
"QUISTIS. NOW DUMPED. DO SOMETHING?" Fujin asked, secretly feeling proud for her friend for getting out of a relationship like that. Quistis is amazing, thought Fujin. I don't think I could have gotten away from Seifer so quickly. Oh wait! I still haven't! I'll put it on my "To Do" list, after " make a Sailor Moon website" and "redecorate my SeeD dorm".
"Oh, Quistis will come back in a day," said Seifer. "For now, let's just pass out these room boxes to the wrong people."
"AFFIRMATIVE."
From the Journal of Quistis:
***
2:00- I need my coffee. Why the hell did I agree to be on this show? I'm waiting for my interview in this tiny waiting room, trying to be patient. My friends aren't being too annoying. But as for Seifer, elevator music is for elevators. I can't believe that this idiot is my boyfriend. One more thing and it's goodbye. I mean it.
2:10- I've never been happier! I'm finally free! No more Seifer! What a moron. I'll never be his girlfriend again if my life depended on it!
***
Will Rinoa ever find the doggie biscuits?
Will the pants cause any more drama?
Will Quistis and Seifer get back together?
Will Sorceress Quisty stop talking in hypothetical sentences?
And who will be…
Roommates?
Find out next time, on Part II…
Settling In
