Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
I have decided to write a Snape diary for the second film; sorry if I start to repeat stuff, just tell me and I'll stop. Cheers!
Chapter one: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Two
Bloody awful summer 'holidays'
What is the point? All that threatening that could be done in those six weeks lost because the poor little darlings need a long break from school. McGonagall tried to persuade me to go on holiday; I told her that sunlight causes me to melt. She agreed with me. At least school starts again in two days. I wonder if any of them have missed me? Dumbledore's gone on holiday to Bermuda for a few days.
Dumbledore's backAnd handing out Holiday presents to everyone. He bought McGonagall a beret when he stopped off in France; personally I think she should stick to the woolly hats. At least they hide some of her face. I have been wondering how I will cope at school without Quirrel following me; I am hoping that the new DADA teacher will be a pompous git so I can annoy him. Yes, once again Dumbledore has refused to make me the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. McGonagall was nearly skipping with joy. At least I'm not doing something really crap like Transfiguration. Absolutely pointless skill. Woohoo! I can turn into a cat! Nobody cares!
Dumbledore's given me a presentIt's pretty cool actually. Maybe Dumbledore isn't as bad as I thought he was? It's a MASSIVE coffee cup with built in coffee maker, marshmallows, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate powder and milk. He found it in a wizard shop somewhere in Bermuda. I never have to go into the staff room again! Never again will I have to sit opposite McGonagall at five o'clock in a morning because the giant squid has woken me up! Never again will I have to nick coffee from the staff room when I run out! It was never proved!
Been called to staff roomIt's five o'clock in the evening and I am sat opposite McGonagall. I swore I would never set foot in here again and five minutes later I'm sat in my usual seat across from an old bag with a tea cosy on her head. Apparently Dumbledore wants to introduce us to the new teacher.
"I would like you ALL to WELCOME our new Defence Against the DARK Arts teacher. Gilderoy Lockhart!" God, not him, anyone but that flash bugger.
"Hello!" What is he wearing? Yellow? It's the middle of winter; black is the only colour for winter, perhaps very, very dark blue. Not yellow.
What's McGonagall straightening her tea cosy for? McGonagall's in love! Ha! Dumbledore has told canary boy to sit next to me. Great.
"Why are you wearing yellow in the middle of winter?" What? Dumbledore said talk to him.
"It's lemon actually, and I like wearing bright colours, it makes you seem more approachable and happy." Oh sorry, I didn't realise there was a massive difference between lemon and yellow. That's I wear black, so people don't mistake me for someone that is actually happy.
"I would just like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed all of your books Mr Lockhart." What is Popsicle going on about? I didn't know she knew how to read.
"Gilderoy, please. I am glad that people enjoy reading about my little adventures." Adventures? What did he do? Can't be that important, I've not read any of his books. Anyone thinks that they can be a celebrity these days.
Finally escaped from canary boyJust because he sat next to me in the staff room he has made the presumption that I actually want him to talk to me. Which I don't. I have coped for ten years with nobody talking to me, except Quirrel and I would rather forget about him. This cup makes extremely good coffee. I can't seem to get any chocolate sprinkles out of it though; perhaps I had better read the instruction manual?
Read the instructionsIt is all rather easy after you do that. Apparently you tap the cup once for black coffee, twice for milk, three times for marshmallows and so on. I'm still wondering how you get sprinkles without getting marshmallows as well.
Last day of freedomBeen called to the staff room again. Canary boy is wearing purple today; he looks like a big flower, one that is asking to be mowed down by a lawnmower. He has also decided to adopt the seat next to me, why? I don't know. He looked at me as though saying 'are you wearing the same robe as yesterday?' Well I have something to tell you. No I bloody well am not! Just because I don't have a different coloured robe for every day doesn't mean that I have worn the same robe for ten years!
Dumbledore has officially lost him marblesHe wants us all to 'bond' more, he feels that some of us don't seem to get on with one another so every break he wants us all to meet in the staff room and talk to at least two different people every day. I can talk to myself and the coffee cup in front of me. I can find a way out of whatever Dumbledore tells us to do. It is one of my few attributes.
Been bonding with my coffee cup all dayIt's been so much fun, McGonagall kept giving me glares and flower boy kept trying to talk to me but I just ignored them both. I think McGonagall might do something about it though; it is funny that both her and Dumbledore were away at the same time. She went two days before him and she came back one day before him. Something very dodgy going on there. I don't know why I'm bothered; I'm not her mother. Though if I were her mother, I would tell her to get someone her own age instead of going after toy boys.
She has complained to DumbledoreI knew she would, I could feel it in my bones. He came into the staff room and started to pair the teachers up with each other. I tried to slide inconspicuously to the door, but Dumbledore saw me and paired me up with Sprout. I hate sprouts, they're too green.
Brats are back tonight
Started to plan out lessons. First years are always good for a laugh. Third years can have a test on werewolf teeth and fourth years can pickle something suitably slimy. I don't know what punishment should be given to the second years; Potter unfortunately wasn't expelled last year so I must endure another year of his bigheadedness. Like father like son, once a Potter always a Potter. If I were Potter I would have gone and lived in a cave somewhere in the wilds so nobody would have to live with me.
Just got paper, it is very interestingSix Muggles have seen a Ford Anglia flying over London and out in the country. That car looks familiar and so do the two prunes flying it. Potter and Weasley always do have to make an entrance. Well I definitely will be making an entrance, I shall be there to congratulate them on their great flying skills.
