Rating: PG-13.
Spoilers: Up to Season 6 Hells Bells
Distribution: Just let me know if you plan
on posting it elsewhere. (ladyduvessa19@icqmail.com)
Disclaimer: All characters are the property
of Joss Whedon, UPN and Mutant Enemy. They own everything fun.
Summary: Reflections after "Hells Bells"
Feedback: Yes please. (ladyduvessa19@icqmail.com)
Spikes POV
I wanted her to need me and she did. I wanted
her to want me and she did. But I wanted her to love me. Why did I ever
think that was possible? I don't deserve it. A monster like me doesn't
deserve love. When she said it was over she meant it. I'm killing her.
There was a time when I would have given my left hand to kill her just
so that she could be the third. But now she was the first. The first person
I ever loved. I never really loved Cecily I just didn't want to be alone.
I never loved Drusilla, but she had power over me. And Harmony. No I don't
think I need to explain that one. And I certainly didn't love the skank
that I brought to the wedding. I just wanted to show her my life would
go on without her. But it won't. She's still everything to me. I'm back
to where I started. Hiding in the shadows just hoping to catch a glimpse
of her. But this time I'm not hiding so I won't get caught. This time I'm
hiding so I don't have to talk to her. Before I would say cruel things
and call her a bitch, even though I didn't mean it. But now I can't bring
myself to talk to her. Because I have to be kind. I have to pretend that
it didn't happen. Pretend we weren't what we were. And you know why I have
to? Because she said it. Because she cares. Because it hurts.
Buffy's POV
It's not supposed to be this way. I'm not
supposed to care. He's beneath me. Yet when I came back he was there. He
didn't judge me. He didn't expect more from me than I could give. He dulled
the pain. When I went to him I needed him, I wanted him, I loved him. But
it was wrong. And the fact that he didn't have a soul was killing me. He's
no different than he was. He's the same demon who tried to kill me, who
tried to kill my friends. But he's the same demon who helped me stop Angelus.
He's the same one who loves me. But I can't live my life wondering if he's
really changed. But I know he loves me, because he left. He didn't stay
and flaunt his date like he could have. But the fact that he brought her
shows that he's still the same. He wanted to get back at me for ending
it. And he did. Because even though it's over, it doesn't feel over. And
it hurt seeing him with her. But seeing them together didn't hurt as much
as it did when he left. Because him leaving showed that he changed. He
felt guilty for what he had done, but he only feels guilty afterwards.
It doesn't stop him from doing those things. And when he does them and
shows guilt it's worse. Because if there was no guilt I could hate him.
But there is. And it's harder to love him. It hurts.
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