A/N: Okay, sooooo...this is a thing that happened. XD This was originally going to be a one-shot, but it sort of exceeded my expectations, so now it's going to be a six-part ficlet. ;D
In any case, this is both my first 5+1 Things fic and also my first fic for the OnS fandom; naturally, it's going to have GureShin at the end (in the final installment), because I am shameless GureShin trash. :P And the chapter titles are bilingual English & Japanese because...why not? *shrugs* ;D
Anyway, basically this was a plot bunny that hopped out at me after reading a whole bunch of Shinya and GureShin fic over the weekend a while back. The general premise is, as the long title states, that Shinya has a few major panic attacks over the course of his life (starting when he first got selected as a candidate by the Hīragi family and continuing on into adulthood, although of course not as frequently). The first five times, he is alone and suffers through the attacks by himself with no support. The sixth time...well, you shall see. ;D (If you need a hint for who shows up and helps our precious Shinya, just remember that GureShin is one of my OTPs.).
Five Times Shinya Suffered Through a Panic Attack Alone (and One Time Someone Showed up to Help)
はじめて/The First Time
The first time Shinya has a crippling panic attack, he doesn't even know that what's happening to him has a name. All he knows is that he's alone, in a cold and unwelcoming examination room, and he feels like the world has tilted sideways.
He can't seem to breathe right, his heart feels like it might literally pound its way out of his chest, and his hands are tingling in a really strange way.
He is five years old, and he has just been selected as a potential candidate for adoption into the prestigious Hīragi family.
At first, when a sharply dressed man in a suit had come to fetch him from his kindergarten class, he had been filled with a sort of nervous excitement. They had told him that he was one of the most gifted children they'd seen so far. And that was good, wasn't it? To be one of the best.
His parents had certainly seemed to think so, when they were called to the school for a brief meeting. He only overheard bits and pieces of what the adults talked about, since they had shuffled him into an adjacent room while they discussed things, and while his mother and father had seemed surprised at first by what the man in the suit was saying, whatever had been said in the meeting room resulted in them looking immeasurably pleased when they came out.
They told him how proud they were of him, and how he needed to continue to work hard and do his best. And then they were just...gone. Leaving him alone with the severe-looking man who worked for the Hīragi family, who quickly ushered him down the hallway and out of the school, wasting no time in bundling him into a sleek sedan that was waiting parked outside.
From there, they went to some sort of medical building. Shinya had watched the scenery as they drove, but after a while things had started to look less and less familiar, so he had turned away from the windows, his stomach twisting, and he hadn't looked up again until they'd arrived at their destination.
"Just a quick physical examination," the man in the suit told him, clearly trying to reassure him but missing the mark by a wide margin simply because of his forbidding expression. "Nothing to worry about at all."
Shinya, starting to feel a little less excited and a little more nervous, had just nodded.
The exam was, as promised, over quickly; they took his vitals, ran a few scans, and that was that.
But then they left him there, alone in the examination room, with no one to talk to and nothing to do other than think.
Thinking turned out to be not such a good idea.
And now here he was, shivering and gasping for air as he sat on the edge of the examination table, trying to figure out why he felt like he was about to shake himself to pieces.
It was something about being alone; before, even during the drive here, he'd had company in the form of the suited man. He hadn't been comfortable, precisely, but he hadn't felt...abandoned.
But now, sitting here in this room...it hit him, with the force a ten-ton truck. He was alone. Truly alone. His parents had pretty much handed him over to these people, no arguing, no questions. Granted, he'd always known that their first loyalty was to the Order of the Imperial Demons and that his selection as a candidate was "a great honor" for them...but even so...even so...
They're gone, he thought, shuddering. They're gone and I'm alone. And the gods alone knew what sort of trials faced him in the future. Certainly nothing good; he was young, but not stupid. He knew that he wasn't the only candidate selected. The Hīragi family was looking for the best, and wouldn't have settled for selecting just one child.
No, there were others, he was sure of it. And the thought terrified him, because what did that mean? How was the Hīragi family going to choose the truly perfect candidate out of the best children gathered from all of Japan?
And, more importantly, what was going to happen to those who didn't make the cut? All the ones who weren't the one...what happened to them?
What was going to happen to him, if he failed to meet their standards?
He doesn't know. He doesn't know, and he's alone, and he just can't.
He can't seem to muster up the excitement he'd been feeling earlier, even though he tries. Can't even remember why he was excited in the first place. Can't understand any of this, can't make sense of it anymore.
Instead, his chest is on fire and his vision is going blurry, although whether that's from unshed tears or increasing lack of oxygen he doesn't know. All he knows is that he feels like he's careening wildly out of control even as he just sits on the exam table, shaking and gasping and trying not to cry.
He doesn't know how long he stays like that, his limbs trembling and his cheeks streaked with the tears he'd been trying so hard not to shed, but eventually the worst of the terror subsides, leaving him weak and hollowed out.
It's fine, he told himself, swallowing hard. It's fine, I'll be fine.
If he couldn't force himself to truly believe it, well, no one but him would ever know, right?
So he struggled to get control of himself, forcing himself to take in deep breaths of air, trying to calm down and pull himself together before the suited man and the doctor came back.
Thankfully, he was composed by the time they returned a few minutes later. He'd evened out his breathing and scrubbed the tears off his cheeks with the ends of his sleeves. As far as anyone looking at him could tell, he was just patiently waiting, no anxiety or distress to be seen on his face or in his body language.
"We've finished going over the results of your exam," the doctor informed him, exchanging an unreadable look with the man in the suit. "Everything looks great, so you can move on to the next stage of candidacy. Congratulations!"
Shinya sincerely doubted that congratulations were in order, but he didn't let his trepidation show on his face.
Instead, he smiled. "Thank you," he said, the lie tasting like ashes in his mouth. "I'm very honored."
