Disclaimer: Merlin doesn't belong to me but to the bbc.
Have I ever told you guys about my Merlin obsession? No? Well then I'm doing it now :D
The finale came out today and it left me with a gaping holein my chest. I needed to get this out of my system. Because what the hell will Merlin do all these years? I think he may even think about staying out in th landscape, waiting for Arthur to return. Just because his whole life was so fixed on him. Then I thought that would be mean to Gwen and the others, were they never supposed to see him again or what? So I came up with this. Merlin returns to Camelot to get his stuff and Gwen punches some sense into him.
Hope you enjoy! :3
Pulling Through
She caressed the ring in her hand while walking the corridors of the caste. Her gentle fingers went over its sharp edges and she felt her heart ache even now, when the people were all sleeping in their homes and Camelot was unmoving and quiet. Still, there was this chill in the air. Something was not right, something was missing. Something, no someone so, SO important not only to her, but to the people as well.
Arthur Pendragon was dead.
Percival's news still rang in her ears. He said that he had followed the tracks to the apparent lake of Avalon, that he had found the Lady Morgana dead on the floor with a stab through her abdomen. Even as he had wished for that sigh, he described it as pitiful and not quite right, the high priestess and former Lady stabbed by something so simple as a sword, lying there on the floor like she was just one of the many dead soldiers in the battle of Camlann. As the knight had carried on, he said that as he arrived at the lake, he was still able to make out a boat in the distance as it had just disappeared like being forced to go on by an invisible force. Yet, there was nobody else there. He spotted tracks of a giant creature and a pair of footsteps leading into the lake but nobody else around.
And of course it was Arthur on that boat. They had found his horse nearby. His and Merlin's. And of course they had wondered what happened. And of course they had wondered where Merlin was. Percival confirmed the footprints into the lake, but none of them were leading back out. Had he…killed himself? Was his devotion and shame so great, his loyalty that deep? Honestly, Gwen wasn't really sure. If Arthur really was dead, then she wished Merlin would have at least made it back. He was her friend, the dearest one she had next to Arthur and Elyan. But they were different and right now, they both were no more. Yes, there were the knights –or what was left of them- and Gaius. But still, she felt so alone. So, so alone in the world.
Arthur….
A hand before her mouth tried to stop the sobs from escaping it. She stood in one of the corridors that weren't patrolled, only pillars and a hip high balustrade separating her from the open air overlooking the city. Her hands rested on the balustrade while she still held the royal seal and looked out into the night sky. Just today she had to announce to the people that her husband was dead and that she would now assume the thrown. Of course she gladly did what Arthur asked but of course she above all else wished he could have come back. Hot tears streamed down her beautiful face and she really hoped that nobody would spot her. Even though she of course wanted comfort, she had some dignity to keep, a reputation to uphold. Standing here in her night gown wasn't really helping things either.
Oh Arthur, if only you were here…
He taught her all there was to know about being queen. She had grown up a simple maid, never learned how to write or read or properly hold herself and things like that. Even though she was supposed to know all those things now, she still felt empty. Like her other half was missing. It was like-
Suddenly, a golden flash lighting the corner of the corridor interrupted her thoughts. It died down as soon as it came and she wondered if she was seeing things. The queen of Camelot swallowed. Magic…there was no doubt. Oh what was she supposed to do now? Call the guards? She had no weapons on her…
Again, her racing thoughts were interrupted when she heard something hit the wall. Then, a cry like a wounded animal that tore through her heart. She knew that wail. It was a painful memory, of that raven haired boy lying in bed, poisoned, dying and crying out in so much pain…
No…no way. Could it be…
Through the pale blue moonlight, queen Guinevere hasted down the corridor. She almost ran, forgetting all she was told about how queens didn't run, how they just walked gracefully. It didn't matter. She rounded the corner and as she had normal leather shoes on, she had hardly made any noise, not startling the person in front of her.
The sight was truly heartbreaking. A slender man in brown blue gown leaned at the wall, facing the pale moonlight that flooded the hallway but hid away in the shadows of the pillar he had appeared behind. His underarm rested in front of his eyes and his full lips were curled downward, drawing in ragged breaths. The trademark neckerchief hung around his neck as Gwen carefully took a step forward, not wanting to startle him by simply touching him in a corridor in the middle of the night where he probably had awaited to be alone.
"Merlin? Merlin, is that you?" she didn't even have to ask if he was okay. Because he was obviously not. Just as much as she was not okay right now. The servant –oh how strange it was to think that he was so much more than that- froze and slowly lifted his arm to look at her. Gwen saw his eyes for the first time in many days and the sight was so shocking, she almost took a few steps back. They were blue, so blue under the moonlight but still so full of pain. Pain and misery and so much guilt. She felt a flash of guilt rushing through her. And she had felt bad about all of this! Now looking at Merlin made her feel so very childish…
"Gwen? What are you doing out in the hallway in the middle of the night? You should be in your chambers.." did he honestly just try to mask everything from her? Did he honestly just ask her of all people what she was doing out here at night?
"Merlin! You just appeared in the centre of Camelot with a flash of golden light, I think I should be asking you that question!" she countered and just for a split second, Gwen thought she saw his lips curl up a bit. But it was gone as soon as it came and he didn't even ask or question her why she wasn't reacting to him using magic to get here or what had happened or any of that. Because he didn't have the time before Gwen took the rest of the way towards him and hugged him gently but also very tight. She didn't care about what she was wearing or how she was holding herself, hugging a servant light that. It was Merlin after all. He was her friend. And it didn't matter who he may be underneath or what he may have been hiding from her all these years. She wasn't bitter. Right now, all she needed was some comforting warmth and even though Arthur was and will always be her soul mate and Elyan would always be her brother, Merlin was still her best friend. And she felt him melting into the hug, even if he was shocked at first.
They were quiet for some time and Gwen felt him shaking with sobs, not holding back now. She didn't know if she also cried in his shoulder...probably. Then, he spoke. His voice was so horrible hoarse and broken, Gwen wondered how he even managed to get anything out.
"I failed, Gwen. …I couldn't… God, I'm so sorry…" his voice finally broke again, not really able to end his sentences. Gwen's first reaction was to hold him tighter, lifting a hand to stroke the back of his head just like Arthur had a few hours ago. Without her knowing of course. He was so broken, so limp and fragile. Like his life force was sucked from him and he was not more than a shell of his former self. It was so painful to see him like this and she had to admit that she was never fully aware how very strong the bond between Arthur and him had been. Just what the two of them had meant for each other. Not in a romantic way, of course. Not in the way she and Athur loved each other. Just...a bond of brothers but something that went even deeper. She couldn't quite put her finger on it.
"Shhh. I'm sure you did all you could. Gaius told me everything. It's alright, I'm not mad." She added as Merlin was about to flinch away. Probably an instinct by now, trying to run for the accusation of being a sorcerer.
"Just…please. Tell me what happened? C-can you do that? I'm sure you need rest and I'm sure there are many things to solve out that are more important but…could you do me that favor? And, Merlin?" she parted from her tight embrace and looked into his blue eyes, so very red from all the tears. She smiled one of her kind but also teary smiles and caressed his cheek fondly.
"Yes, Gwen?", he asked, barely making it above a whisper. He already sounded so far away…
"Would you…stay here? In Camelot? You weren't going to, am I right?" it was like she had just slapped him. It was there in his face, the astonishment as if she had read his thoughts. Oh how she had missed that look. Sometimes, when she knew people really well, she could just read them like books. Merlin was one of those people, next to Arthur and her brother. Yes, he may have hidden his secret well but apart from that, he was just so oblivious. His expression turned guilty and he immediately tried to turn away from her hand, let go of her completely and walked over to the balustrade. He took a few calming breaths while Gwen was wondering how he suddenly looked so tiny under the full moon outside and yet so held up high and strong. When she had met him, he had been this scrawny, clumsy but brave idiot. He was still like that now, but his shoulders were broader, his expression sadder and he appeared more...mature. Like so many things rested on his shoulders that alone because of that, they had become more muscular. When he finally managed to speak, his voice was much steadier. He even appeared to have a half smile on his face, judging by his tone.
"Like always, you just know me too well. Actually, yes. I was just coming here to get my staff and books and then just…go. I don't really know what I had planned in my head yet but I figured facing all of you, knowing that this is all my fault… I just can't do this. I- ARGH! I WAS SUPPOSED TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING!" his sudden outburst let Gwen flinch and she looked around if the guards had heard them. In his anger, Merlin had balled his fist and slammed it into the balustrade with full force. It looked hurtful but apparently, his anger had let loose some magic too and cracks were appearing where his fist had landed, making the floor shudder under his rage. Gwen gulped. Oh no, this wasn't good. She stepped forward courageously and gripped his shoulder, turning him around to face her.
"Merlin. Please, calm down. You don't want to collapse the whole castle." She assured him soothingly and dragged him away from the cracks in the balustrade he only now noticed, his blue eyes widening and then filling with guilt again.
"I-I'm sorry. Just let me…" he winded his hand out of her grip and raised it towards the crack. Then he opened his mouth and his voice somehow changed.
"Atgyweirio", he mumbled and his eyes turned a brilliant gold colour unlike anything Gwen had ever seen, even with Morgana. The crack in the wall repaired itself upwards until it reached the damaged spot in the balustrade that just seemed to close like an old scar until finally, it was as if the whole thing never happened. Gwen stared up at Merlin in wonder and somehow had to smile at the smile he had now mustered because of her stunned expression.
"Sorry." He soon mumbled and his face turned serious and sad again. Quickly, Gwen tried to make him feel better, rushing forward and grabbing his wrists as he had been about to turn away again.
"No! No, don't be. Just…how could you think about hiding this from me and your friends? How could you think about just turning away from us, even if Arthur may be lost? I know that it hurts, trust me I…really understand. Maybe my bond with him was never the same kind like the one you two shared but-" she paused to emphasize the next sentence, making him look at her by turning his chin towards her. It was the truth though. Arthur was her soul mate, the one she wanted to love until the very end, the one she wanted to grow old with. With Merlin though...Who had once said they were like two sides of the same coin? She thought that expression was actually really fitting these two. Like she had thought before, they didn't love each other in the way she and Arthur did. It was just...different. They were always at each other's side and always going through any danger together like they were bound together by destiny. The king and his sorcerer. And if you separated them, you would have to damage the coin altogether, there was no other way. Merlin, the one staying behind, was damaged. You could see it in his face. And he was blaming himself so, so much... **
"Merlin. I need you. Gaius needs you. The Knights need you. You're our friend and you are part of this, no matter how much you want to run away right now. Please, promise me you won't just run. Promise. I'm not going to make it through all of this, knowing you're blaming yourself and wandering the earth out there just because of some stupid law I could probably just change right now if I want to." She saw her word taking affect on him and saw his features soften before he again pulled away and turned towards the moonlight. What was wrong? Something was still there he wasn't telling her.
"Nah. I'm sure you could manage without me. You're a great queen, Gwen. A-Arthur chose you well. I'm just a servant, nothing more. I'll just go and….find myself a job elsewhere." His words sounded so empty that it hurt her just listening to them. She just shook her head, couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"Merlin! I'm not accepting that you are actually saying this!" now she was bordering to being angry just as he had been before. But despite the fact that he had been angry at himself, her anger was rather obviously directed at him as well.
"You are much more than just a servant, even if you weren't a sorcerer and a powerful one at that. You always were Arthur's loyal friend and adviser. He valued your opinion very much, often more than the council and he was right to do so. You are compassionate, strangely wise for your age, brave beyond reasoning and seriously, if you were any good with a sword I bet Arthur would have knighted you before you could even say 'Camelot'." She paused for a breath and to admire the puzzled expression she had planted to Merlin's face. But she wasn't finished yet, her rant went on while she pointed her finger at him as she always did when her strong female lecture side was showing.
"So don't you dare just throw that away and disappear when we all need you the most! I didn't think you were that selfish! This kingdom still has a future, you have a future! And you are not disappearing on me just because Arthur may not be the one to guide this kingdom any more. I'm not having this family fall apart, that is not what he would have wanted! If you go now, Morgana has won! She would have broken you and all you two worked for! Is that really what you want, Merlin!? And yes, I said family! Because you all are, to me at least." Her voice had been raised to a shout as well and by now she was seriously wondering if the guards were asleep because they should have heard them by now. If not Merlin, then her shouted rant through the corridors of the castle walls. Tears had began to well in her own eyes as her voice had poured out all of her deep emotions and thoughts on this matter. As she said, it wasn't easy on her either... Merlin was openly gaping at her now, his tears long forgotten even though his cheeks were still wet and his eyes all red. It took him very long to react in any way but finally, he actually relaxed, lowering his gaze.
"Yes, you…maybe you're right. Until Arthur returns, I will stay here with you and Gaius. It's just…not going to be as easy as you think." He swallowed and leaned back against the wall of the corridor again, sighing heavily. Now it was Gwen's turn to be puzzled.
"What do you mean, return? Why, what makes it so difficult? Is it the law on magic? I wanted to turn that down anyway, I already summoned the council for tomorrow, you can join me and tell them everything-"
"No, Gwen, that's not it. Trust me, it's…it's a long story. Can we just…call it a night, the guards are coming." He said, long before Gwen actually heard the footsteps. She didn't know how he did that but she could ask about that later. For now, she nodded and motioned for him to follow her. They crouched into a small alcove and waited until the guards passed by, finding nothing. Then, Merlin turned to her and stepped out of the alcove, looking at her.
"There's something I still need to do tonight. Collect the head knights and Gaius for a talk tomorrow. I promise, I'll explain everything, alright? We're going to make it through this. I swear." He was putting on a brave face for her, Gwen could see that. Still, it did help a ton to see him muster a smile, even if it was faked. He stepped up to her and planted a small kiss to her forehead while his long fingers held her chin. He quickly pulled away, smiled and then was gone around the corner and out of sight.
The Queen of Camelot briefly wondered where in the name of the triple goddess he had learned to teleport himself like he did to get here * before she turned around to in fact return to her royal chambers. Maybe she didn't know what was going on. Maybe her heart was still aching and her soul had a giant part missing but she knew, that somehow, they would make it through. Even if it was just the remaining parts of her family and even if it was difficult, she wouldn't let Morgana win. Never in her life would she let that hatred and that emptiness overcome herself as well. Camelot was a center of hope and she would not let herself be destroyed by Morgana's evil plans.
From the depth of their grief, Camelot would rise and prosper again. She would make sure of that.
They would all pull through this together.
After all, she was the Queen now.
Yup. That's what she is, after all. The bloody, caring, strong and compassionate Queen Guinevere. You can hate on her as much as you want, I like her. For her time, she's a truly strong female figure. And Merlin will need her after all this just as much as she needs him. No, no shipping involved. Shipping in Merlin is a strange thing in general. For some it may obviously be Merthur but I...I'm just not that sure about anything in this show. Really, especially after the final I'm really confused when it comes to shipping.
Anyway! Please tell me what you think if you have any thoughts ^^. Not planning on really writing more, though it could maybe become a two shot. If you want?
Just tell me your thoughts if you like :3
*The teleportation thing: I dunno...I didn't want him to ride there. Just didn't seem right, on the way he would probably become completely depressed. The flash thing only works for himself and only to places he knows really, really well. So I figured one would be Camelot, the other Ealdor and just maybe, because it's the center of magic, the Crystal Cave. So it wouldn't have worked for the Avalon lake. At least not yet ^^.
** UPDATE 29th Dec: Since this had so many complaints: I want her to express that she knows their bond is different. I'm not exactly a Merthur shipper, you have to know that. If you really want to, you can interpret it as that but I want Gwen to say here that she thinks they are just on a different scale/level of Love for each other. Gwen and Arthur have the beautiful, loving husband-wife relationship you should have with your wife, of course. Both of them know that. And they do need each other and Gwen is helpless and empty without Arthur, of course. Arthur is without her too. Remember when Gwen was banished? He never really was quite..there. And when he found out Gwen was 'evil' "I lose her, I lose everything.". I'm NOT denying Arwen here. I love Arwen. It's canon.
But with Merlin and Arthur...come on. Even if you are an Arwen shipper and you don't like Merthur, you can't deny that the last episode showed just how deep their bond went. During their journey, Arthur mentioned Gwen only once and after the seal was taken to her, he didn't complain about his wife's absence a bit. When Merlin said he wouldn't come into battle, Arthur behaved similar to when Gwen was gone. He needs them both, just for different reasons. When Merlin spoke to him in his dream, he jumped to action immediately without questioning the strange way of communication. And when he wakes after the battle, the first thing Arthur asks isn't "did we win" or "where is Gwen or "is everybody alright", no, it's "where have you been?" for Merlin. Why weren't you with me in this!? The two of them have this strong bond that goes beyond brothers, if you want to see it as romantic or platonic (which I prefer) is your choice but this show, the entire damn show evolves around those two and their relationship. How they first hated each other to the moment were Merlin basically promises Arthur to wait for him for eternity, no matter how long it'll take. And in which Arthur dies in his arms, not saying goodbye or anything, just "Thank you". Thank you for all you have done for me. And will do in the future.
They are, as it was said multiple times, two sides of the same coin. You can't split a coin without damaging it. That's what's being said here. Nothing more. Arthur can love Gwen and he can love Merlin, just not in the same way. there are multiple ways of love (sisterly lover, brotherly love, romantic love and so on) and one CAN love multiple people in different ways, so don't argue with me here. It's a fact ;P
There were some comments on this matter where they complained about the sentence...I just wanted to clarify that.
