Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles watch TMNT
By Tigan-Ada
Surveillance cameras subtly click off, whirring back on a second later with temporarily repurposed programming.
Four shadows slip through the dark and locked cinema, two drifting towards the checkout counter while one swiftly vanishes into the, uh, restroom.
As Raphael groans with relief from within, Donatello locates the movie room and breaks in like a good boy. Arms getting full of snacks and treats, Leonardo and Michelangelo casually stick a few in their gobs before walking to the pre-agreed theatre room.
And then Leo stops, turning his stuffed face to the checkout counter. He muffles something or other to Mikey, who slouches his shoulders and 'mm-hmm's in response. Dutifully they return a good amount to ensure the pay checks of the employers and employees aren't damaged, before returning with a small number of assorted snacks.
The two push the door open and claim a seat each at the back row.
With a terrible moan Raphael drags his feet in after them, "…Never again… never again…"
"Dude, that's what you always say," Mikey pushes the side-arm of the seat down and stuffs a bag of lollies into the cup holder.
Leonardo shuffles in his end-row seat, trying to make room for Raphael to pass comfortably.
"It's Casey… he has these puppy-dog eyes…" he carefully rests his rear in the immediate seat next to Leonardo, "I'm only not at home suffering 'cause I have'ta get away from him tonight. He doesn't know we're here, right?"
"Yes. Maybe. No."
"Mikeeyy-"
"Popcorn!" Michelangelo bends over and picks up an old piece of popcorn from the carpet. Raising it to eye-level he exclaims, "And here I thought we'd have to go without!"
"The popcorn machine is empty and shut," Leo's explanation is cut short when he side glances his little brother, "Don't you dare put that in your-"
Mikey flicks it into his mouth. He gulps, grabs his neck and gradually descends off the chair choking.
Raphael blankly watches his youngest brother writhe and hack on the floor, "…Sensei, Mikey's having a moment."
Materialising forth from the shadows, the elderly rat leans forward and plucks his son up from the recently vacuumed carpet, plopping him to his left and giving his shell an almighty whack. It's enough to propel the possibly-left-there-by-the-Foot stale popcorn out of his throat.
As they settle down Donatello somehow slips into the spare middle seat between Raphael and Splinter, the movie projectile flickering on from above, "Let the movie… begin."
Leonardo twitches, "…That's my line…"
"…Why are we watching a rented DVD at the cinemas?" Mikey whispers his delayed question.
"Because. That's why," Don elaborates.
Green fiery ooze billows onto the big screen as the title is revealed on a turning sewer lid. …That sentence makes no sense on its own.
"I like the music…" says the blue one.
"Four turtles. Four. Brothers."
"Narration! That's a good start on an already well-known franchise!" Mikey blinks, "…Right?"
"Genetically reborn in the sewers of New York."
Raphael's voice is soft, "…They know where we live now…"
"Named after the great Renaissance masters-"
Donatello arcs an eyebrow at the bloated glorification.
"-and trained as ninjas."
Mikey nudges his father, "Should we be worried about what this faceless voice-over knows?"
"…This introductory isn't humble!" Leonardo's face burns red with embarrassment, "Its acting like our very existence is awesome enough to show-off but that's just a woeful sign of pride and low self-esteem!"
"Quiet Leo. You've got pride and self-esteem issues too."
"Which makes bearing this awkwardly uncomfortable! I feel like I'm being pretentious but it's the movie being up itself…"
"They've battled many creatures and foes, before defeating their archenemy – the Shredder."
Michelangelo shudders, drawing his arms around himself in a self-hug, "I feel unsafe and watched…"
"But now a greater evil is poised to destroy their very brotherhood. An evil born 3000 years ago…"
"Oooooooooo!" the turtle's daringly ooooo.
"It was in that time that a warrior king named Yaotl led a brotherhood, that stood side by side with one purpose… to conquer all the kingdoms of the world."
"Too many 'that's. And unless they mean the 'known world', there's no way they could accomplish this goal geographically; and even if they could travel the world in 993 B.C. they'd have to compete with-"
"3000 years ago equals 993 B.C.?" Mikey sounds surprised at the number.
"Yep," Donatello twiddles his thumbs, feeling mean from his own factual criticism, "From 2007 when the movie was aired. I guess 3000 years just sounds more anciently mysterious when you don't do the historical math. And like I was saying-"
"Shut it! I can sense a fight scene!"
"Nothing could stand in their way, as they left a trail of destruction behind them."
Raphael laughs strangely at the battle. The brief battle…
"In his quest, the warrior learned of a constellation known as the Stars of Keekan."
Raphael slaps a hand over Donatello's opening mouth.
"Every 3000 years, the stars would align, opening a portal to a world of unknown power."
"How does the narrator KNOW this?! Who IS this guy!?"
"Calm yourself Michelangelo. It is just a movie."
"He became immortal, but at a price…"
"I like this animation so far…" says the blue one.
"…His brotherhood was turned to stone."
Don shudders at the implication, "Ugh, just imagine being paralysed like that…"
"No."
"And upon the portal's opening, thirteen monsters were released into our world."
"How rude."
"Having all those beasts in the story feels… redundant somehow," says the blue one.
Raphael's eyes are glued to the dimensional alien creatures rampaging through the armies, "I don't caaarrre…"
The scene becomes one of thick clouds of smoke blocking the view of distant mountains, sweeping down over a burning empire whilst revealing desolation and the dead of a mad war.
"Damn that animation," Leo really likes the animation.
"The warrior king was left to eternally walk the earth. Unable to die, or forget his horrible mistake."
"Yeah, that's usually the way it goes."
"…Where'd that strong wind come from?"
Raphael shifts (uncomfortably) and smirks as the warrior king looks up at the screen, "…Yaotl can see us… he sees you Mikey."
"…So, that dust twister is a fourth-wall breaker?"
"And the monsters that were unleashed continue to plague mankind to this very day…"
"Ruuude!"
The scene changes to a starry night over a typical Central American village.
"What is it about the colours, lighting and texture that I like so much?" Leo really likes the animation.
With a wince Raphael readjusts himself, looking with boredom at the generic bad guys preying on the generically good-looking lady, "Someone's gonna get a butt-whuppin'. The law of action films is right there."
"Why do the henchmen always look the same? I'm getting real desensitised about it and it's sorta creepy."
"Maybe they're twins?" offers Leo.
"Idiota! Watch where you're going!"
"I feel really silly, but what are Italians doing there?" Mikey screws the edge of his mouth in confusion.
Finally relaxing as the film plays, Donatello helpfully answers his younger brother's linguistic ignorance, "Simply put, Central America has a lot of different languages. But that's Spanish. Some Europeans languages do share similar traits."
"…Oh."
The two henchmen leave the car to remove the fallen tree from the road.
Raphael grins with simple glee, "Predictable but I still look forward to these parts."
The henchman tying the car's cable around the massive trunk is suddenly jerked over with a gasp.
"D-Dios Mio…"
Don jerks upright from where he was drowsily lilting to Splinter's warm furry side, "BLASPHEMY!"
The second henchman cocks his rifle… and is rapidly swept into the canopy by a hooped vine, setting off rapid firing rather dangerously before he drops it.
The main boss of the criministas stands boldly in the vehicle, "Why, you! Show yourself!" as the scrawny driver scrambles out of the vehicle, "Th-the Ghost of the Jungle! He punishes those who prey upon the weak! He's coming!"
Raph raises his eyebrows as the second henchman drops flat to the earth like a sack of deadweight.
"I just remembered, I left the stove on, and my wife, she hates that!"
Mikey snorts as the scrawny man makes a run for it, "That's a good one. Casey should use that once in a while."
Raphael groans, "Do not mention his name… my gut recognises it…"
"Do you realise who you're dealing with?"
"…OHMIGOSH LEO THAT'S YOU!" Mikey points excitedly, kicking his legs like a child.
"…Huh! Wait… why am I in the jungle?"
"Ripping off Pirates of the Caribbean with that chase music," Raphael notes.
Leonardo chuckles and nudges him with his elbow.
"I am not afraid of a myth. I'm not afraid of a ghost!"
Movie-Leo makes an entrance like a bored rogue, brandishes a sword and, as the boss man charges…
"…Did you kill him?"
"Wound him?"
"Disarm him, knock him out then tie him up?"
Leo shrugs, "That's not me," as the criminista's truck is rolled down the gentle slope into the village – with no regard for the chickens pecking there – he adds, "…Y'know that bad boss guy had attitude with a really distinct design that showed it well. He could've been a more prominent and developed character if they hadn't gotten rid of him so early."
"Too bad your movie-self disagreed. He killed him. Must've had some past dealings with the guy," Raph muses.
"The Ghost of the Jungle!" exclaims the typical good child of the typical good lady.
"…Leo's dead?!" Mikey actually pales.
"Do you know the ghost?"
"He wasn't always a ghost."
Mikey screams.
"No one is dead!" Donatello clarifies for the sake of peace and quiet during the film.
They watch the lady hack her way through the foliage with the machete.
Don's eye twitches, "…That waist… it's so unnatural. Like two spinning tops connecting to each other, like she's going to lose the precarious biological balance supporting her there and flop at the waist and break, or bend around like a possessed pipe-cleaner…"
Raph and Mikey slowly stare at him, "Thank you, Donnie, for that strange and disturbing nightmare fuel."
"Hello?"
Leonardo feels excited expectation building within him, but doesn't know why.
"Is anyone here? Hello?"
The lady plummets through an underground cave and is caught by…
"…OHMIGOSH LEO THAT'S YOU!" Mikey points excitedly, kicking his legs like a child… déjà vu.
They all lean forward in expectation of an explanation.
"You came all the way down here to look for me?"
"Actually, I was already here on business."
"Bahah, nobody cares about you," Raph elbows him playfully.
Leo snickers and pushes back, eyes still intently on the movie.
"Some tycoon with too much time on his hands has his heart set on a collection of 3000 year old statues."
"The statues are in Central America?" Don frowns, "But the previous map marker was just north of-… no, now I'm nit-picking a 3000 year gap, and concerning a wholly connected landmass no less."
"Well, you always did run with a strange crowd April."
"That's April?" Donnie deadpans and leans back, "Nightmare fuel times nine thousaaaand!"
"Yeah well, our strange crowd hasn't been the same without you…"
Splinter privately chuckles at the look on Movie-Leo's face – it was so endearingly typical of his first born.
"Things aren't looking so good back home."
"Raph, what'd you do?" Mike playfully accuses.
Raph's stomach rumbles ominously, causing an oddly strained expression on his big brother's face before there could be any reply.
"…Never mind…"
But they all go blank-faced at Movie-Donnie's intro; then Mikey grins and Raph bursts out in mock laughter.
"I build and maintain your stuff. Remember that."
They quieten down.
"But Donnie's a genius. Why would he take a job like that?"
Leo took the baffled disapproval as a snub to Movie-Don's obvious stress, "Respect your brother!"
"Well if he's doing that who's keeping an eye on Mikey?"
"Oh no…" Raph groans in mortification, "Ooooh noooo… how can this be embarrassing me?"
"What?" Mikey defends himself, "That costume is so original it's ingenuous! And I'm bringing joy to the chil-!" he trails off, "…Never mind…"
"He's a big hit."
"Alright, let's hear it. What's Raph doin'?"
"Kickin' that dumb costume head thing – it stares into my soul-"
"Well what's he do all night?"
Movie-Raph gets singled out for a badass intro.
"SHELL YES I'M AWESOME!" he pauses mid fist-pump at the sound of his counterpart's voice, "…Am I Jewish?"
Leonardo laughs at the utter and absolute randomness of the question.
Don smiles – apparently two of his brothers are somewhat linguistically unfamiliar, "No, can't you tell?"
He blushes, "Sure I can tell…"
"Because there's a part of the brain that filters accents-"
Raph tries his very best to end the conversation now so he can watch Movie-Raph ride that motorbike, "He was speaking in the helmet and it threw me off shush!"
Some criminals bomb the side of a bank wall leading into an alley way. Totally inconspicuous.
"He took a toaster," Mikey whispers, "The greatest of crimes…"
As the scene progresses, Raphael begins to chuckle strangely again. Don and Leo knowingly side-glance the brother between them, both discreetly smiling at how giddily absorbed he is in his own badass scene complete with wide eyes, a big grin and unabashedly holding his clenched fists to his chin.
"…The Nightwatcher."
"He's doing our job for us again."
Raph is dreamily drooling.
"Your training period ended a year ago. And Splinter says you don't write anymore."
"You've been… in the jungle… for two years?" Mikey reiterates just to be sure.
"Splinter sent me down here to become a better leader."
Leo frowns, "…How does that work Sensei?"
Splinter calmly shrugs a frail shoulder beneath his robes, "Isolation carries no weight in regards to leadership, only personal growth that may or may not reflect on the team; clearly this is just designed for the purpose of the plot. On that matter, I've never heard of such a training period…"
"Besides, these people need me more than my brothers do."
Mikey digs into his lolly bag, "True dat. You're like a missionary… only badass!"
"If Master Splinter were here, he would ask you 'what is your heart telling you'…"
"The heart can be a liar. You can't always just follow it without tuggin' back on the lead," satisfied his stomach is affably settled, Raph crosses his feet atop the head of the chair in front of him, "There, I said it."
"Your brothers need you Leo. They're lost without you…"
"No offence bro, but this movie is up your shell," Raphael grunts, burly arms crossed over his chest, "Oh, the world will fall apart if Leo's not here! Oh, his presence is so fundamental!"
Michelangelo snorts, "No way dude, this is sayin' somethin' bad about Movie-us without even meaning to! I mean, I can get the serious ache of a loved one going away like that, like when Leo had to go to the Ancient One… but think about it –a bunch of young adults flailing around for one bro' to return like their only function is to suck him dryyyy," he pauses, "Stay away from the Movie-us, Movie-Leo! It's a trap!"
"No, no," Leo interjects, "This is about how living our own lives can end up as excuses to ignore our loved ones, how even important work can overshadow family in a way that's wrong. It's easy to become selfish in a pursuit of independence in a day and age this encouragingly self-indulgent."
Don is quietly sitting with a funny little smile, holding in his laughter at the big screen, "…I'm sorry, but that truck. It's too much."
They all look at the screen and found they couldn't take their eyes away from that truck.
"…Mikey, what have you done to the BattleShell?"
"…I made it awesome."
"Actually, this movie is not based on us per say, but is supposed to chronologically follow the original third movie, making it the fourth one in that line."
All turtles and Splinter look blankly at Donatello.
"…Yes, that fact struck me as incredibly vague too. But the canon is there, if you know your older movies, such as the Shredder being deceased-"
"EVERYONE SHUSH!" Mikey blurts out, "MOVIE-ME IS ELABORATELY SKATEBOARDING AND YOU'RE MAKING ME MISS IT!"
Indeed, Movie-Mikey is elaborately skateboarding while cheating death by dodging multiple bone-smashing and neck-snapping impacts at that speed.
"I am such an expert. It's so true."
"That's not us," Leo leans forward, eyeing Mikey, "Don't you dare make me catch you pulling that stunt!"
"…Don't let you catch me. Got it."
"You just encouraged him Leo."
"I can't help it. I nag. I want kids."
"Heerreee's Mikey! …Guys?"
Raphael chuckles mocking at the empty welcome; then furrows his brow, "You want kids?"
Leonardo meets his eyes with a piercingly blank calm, "I sent Bishop a note with my DNA."
Something about Leo's countenance switches Raphael's brain off, leaving him devoid of speech.
The continuous tranquillity of his face makes his whisper eerie, "…I think it'll work."
Just as Raphael's eyes widen a telling smile splits Leo's composure in half; Raphael sighs with relief and quietly laughs along with him.
"Whatever. This place used to be fun."
"This is what you guys do to me when you ignore me…" comments an oblivious Mikey. Seeming to come upon a conclusion to this film's drama he perks up, "I bet this movie is gonna be inclusive for us all! We – are –fa-mi-ly! I got all my brothers with me! Yea-hea-heaaah!"
END PART 1
