A/N: This is a small little piece/drabble on Yuji Sakai's self-reflection by the end of the Shakugan no Shana series. I don't have much to say, so please leave feedback on how it turned out.
Turn the Page
I've been selfish and I've done horrible things.
The fight was over; I had achieved my ambition as the ex-leader of the Bal Masque – to recreate the world which I had called Xanadu. I told myself I had no regrets. Which was true to an extent.
When I was merged with the Snake of the Festival, I constantly told myself that I did the things I did for a good cause. All I wanted to bring was peace between the Flame Hazes and the Tomogara; I wanted to protect those I love: my parents, my unborn sister, my friends, and her – Shana.
Nevertheless, the guilt still stabbed my heart like a knife in butter. I could still hear the cries from wars that I have started and see people on their knees as I lowered my blade on countless victims. I have killed many Flame Hazes – a race that I had once allied with. I am also more than positive that I have also indirectly killed many humans – a race that I was once part of.
This and many other awful things I had done proved one thing to me: I didn't deserve a happy life. I didn't deserve a future.
I didn't deserve Shana.
I made it clear to her: that being with her would make me happy, which was an emotion I was not worthy of. I deserved a cruel punishment – a life of exile and isolation. I wasn't being hard on myself; I was giving myself an appropriate penance.
However, she didn't let me.
"No matter what selfish act you do," Shana had told me not too long ago, "if I think you're wrong, I'll stop you. If you're in pain, I'll save you. If you're lost, I'll work with you.
"But being apart is the last thing I'll allow."
Those words resonated in my mind like the bang of a drum. This was the girl who I've hurt, both psychologically and physically, in battle. But at the same time, I knew that this was the girl who constantly saved me in the past – the girl who loved me, and the girl I loved back. We crossed blades in the pure sense that we cared deeply for one another and didn't want to see each other unhappy.
Shana was someone who had never backed down. She stood for what she believed in defiantly, and always protected the ones closest to her. Flame-Haired Red-Hot-Eyed Hunter was sharp and cold, but at the same time, was warm and kind. She had every chance, and had every right, to bring me down. However, she didn't, and instead embraced me for who I was. Not only did I love her, but I also admired her. After all that I had done to her and to other people, how on earth did she find the capacity to not only forgive me, but to accept me?
Here we were, soaring high in the sky in each other's arms. A large contented smile on both of our faces from out first kiss – a moment I'm sure she treasured just as much as I did. It was, as expected, pure bliss, yet the shame in my heart still wouldn't pass.
I got what I wanted: the creation of Xanadu and Shana's acceptance. Nevertheless, the guilt for everything I've done still weighed heavily on my shoulders.
"Shall we head to the new world, Xanadu?" Alastor asked with brimming enthusiasm. Seeing Shana smile brightly, I couldn't help but smile myself. We flew up to the gate, and the blinding light welcomed me.
I breathed in the fresh air as I stared at the gate that led to the new world. Maybe, just maybe, I could start things over.
Hopefully, I could make things right for everyone and perhaps even myself.
