Things Ludwig is not supposed to say or do

1. I will not yell at Netherlands when his campers block my "Autobahn" again, riding one in every lane. I think it's NOT FUNNY!
2. I will not yell at Poland, allthough his people still come over to me to steal cars. After all, countless hardworking and friendly people of his come over to me to work too – mostly illegal work but whatever.
3. I will not yell at Francis when the wants to get into my pants. I should have gotten used to this by now.
4. I will not yell at England, if the wants to have a special favour again in the European Parliament.
5. I will not nag at Denmark if he just comes around to get drunk, because in his own house the alcohol tax is so high and drinks are very expensive.
again I will not just go over to the Czech Republic to get drunk, although he makes surprisingly good beer. Fortunatly, he also exports that to my house.
7. I will not argue with Switzerland about his banking secrecy and the last data CD about tax evaders that I have bought. He says it will ruin his business model when my tax evaders would no longer come to him.
8. I will not rub it in to Austria again that old Adolf initially was one of his people before he came to my house back then. He thinks this is NOT FUNNY!
9. I will not make fun of Luxembourg again, by saying that there is hardly time to hit the brakes on the way to his house before the tank runs right through and only comes to a standstill in Frances house. He thinks it is NOT FUNNY!
10.I will not tell Liechtenstein that I'm never visiting because I always miss her house on a walk because the place is so tiny. She thinks this is NOT FUNNY!
11. My finance minister says I should not look down on him, the old bloodsucking vampire. And I can not help it, we meet only in the hallway and he is in a wheelchair and I'm 1.80 meters.
12.I am not supposed to call the attempt on his life, that got him into the wheelchair in the first place, a "half-assed piece of work". He thinks this is NOT FUNNY!
13.I should not badmouth my Chancellor, just because she said the Internet would still be "new territory for all of us". I am sure she has spoken only about herselve and her party. And guess what: she thinks it is NOT FUNNY!
14.I am not supposed to call her "Teflonmutti" just because nothing sticks to her, no matter what the other Bosses say. She does not like it and it is NOT FUNNY!
15.I guess I have no reason to complain when the other always say I have a shitty sense of humor.
16.I will not complain to Feliziano about his corrupt politicians. If I'm honest, mine are not better. Before this no-bribery agreement gets ratified (as the last nation far and wide in Europe), no further word to Feli. He got rid of this Berlusconi after all.
17.I should stop asking Alfred about the water pumps, which I lent to him back in the days right after Katrina. All other nations hand my technical auxiliary devices back when the THW moves out again, but Alfred has use for everything. This is now such a long time ago, surely they are srapped by now ... or sold.
I am at it: probably I should not hold any hopes to ever get my gold from Alfred. I bet he sold it long since to China or whoever.
19.I should probably not have asked Francis about the gold that he has from me. He is now gone off to beat it out of Mali and his gold mines. Now Mali is pissed and I once again feel guilty.
20.I will not nag at my Chancellor, when she keeps on telling everyone how fine I am doing. The economic condition has stabilized, thats right, but everyone is living at a lower level than before. And I get used to it by and by.
21. At that time, after we moved in togethere, I guess I should not have knocked my brother out after details of the strategic plans of the Warsaw Pact came out. Gilbert admitted that hundreds of A-bombs were planed to go down in my house and said with his broadest grin that I would have sparkled like a Christmas tree.
Yea, should not have hit him. After all I know where I picked up my crappy sense of humor.
22. And after that it should not have surprised me to learn about Alfred plans for the event that Ivan and the rest of the Warsaw Pact would come over to my house. He absolutly intended to do the same thing: throw nukes all over the place. I mean, he had hired me as his shield against Ivan and if there is a fight, the shield gets it, right?
23. Why the heck is everyone out to kill me, no matter what side they are on?
24.I know allready that it's pointless to asked Switzerland if I can move in with him. But sometimes his place looks so much nicer than any other.


Notes:

to 8
In political discussion about that time the comments between Germans and Austrians get quite bitter about this detail.
to 9
Luxembourg is small with about 500 000 people today but not that tiny. They have several small towns.
Little known, but in the Third Reich, there has been not only in Austria a vote on whether they want to join Germany, but also in Luxembourg, where the overwhelming majority voted no! Luxembourg is very brave! They were annexed anyway and suddenly tanks were everywhere, many where gathering there on the way to France.
To 11 and 12
The Minister of Finance is Wolfgang Schäuble, who the cabaret artist Urban Priol sometimes called the "rolling disaster". Since an attempt on his life in October 1990 he is sitting in a wheelchair. He had a bullet somewhere close to the spine.
To 16
Corruption agreement.
Believe it or not, our polititians here are completely corrupt. It is unfortunate but true. The case of our president Christian Wulff getting pushed out of office and sued for basically a handful of loose change is a laugh compared to whatever others have on their plates.
There is a UN Convention against Corruption. Only a handful of countries worldwide have not implemented it into their laws. Germany is one of them.
To 17
THW – Technisches Hilfswerk: A civil union providing all kinds of technical assistance in all kinds of large scale desasters in and outside the country.
To 18, etc.
Countries banks are supposed to hold gold reserves to cover the value of the national currency. Because the U.S. Dollar was made the world's reserve currency by the Bretton Woods Agreement a lot of gold reserves of various countries ended up in the United States. This is the famous gold of Fort Knox. Although the goldstandart was ended long time ago, there should still be tons of gold. In the beginning of 2014 the German state central bank had announced, they would like to have their gold handed over. The response from America sounded like this: Um, everything? Right away? How about first just a small deposit and then yearly installments - perhaps?
Even England and France have tried to get their gold back, with similar success.
Some German gold is also supposed to be in England and France, who was as reluctant to come around with something, because they probably have nothing there. The Mali thing is actually an underground rumor.
To 21 and 22
The cold war is over - or so I have heard. I am not sure about todays development ... In any case, German parents and grandparents have worried about the Ivan hiding in the bushes everywhere and behind each door, figuratively speaking. Some details of the attack plans of the Warsaw Pact got out, eg about 70 atomic bombs on the completely harmless Schleswig Holstein, the big meadow north of Hamburg that leads to Denmarks border. Actually, I do not even want to know what was planned in detail for really important parts of the Republic.
And to be clear: in the event that the cold war turned suddenly hot, even the United States had planned to turn Western Germany into the main battlefield.
To your comfort I can say this about the situation today: in the course of large nuclear armament, everyone understands now that it would be pointless to start a major war with nuclear weapons of any kind. Both parties would be dead short time after. So the powers that be came up with other tactics. So, if the Ukraine crisis or the shit in the Middle East still comes out quite big, you will have to expect more conventional means, poison gas or biological weapons. Nuclear weapons are likely to be used only sporadically, if at all. Meanwhile, it is seriously possible for the average German citizen to survive a third world war - in contrast to the situation a few decades ago. And during that time we escaped the total desaster a few times by the breadth of a hair. The closest I heard about was 5 seconds away from a nuclear attack.
So if you wonder about why Ludwig is always slightly tense and depressed and maintains a nasty sense of humor, I think under this circumstances it is an entirely plausible reaction.

To 24

However it goes, Swiss is and remains neutral.