I'm Sorry
Author's Note: Hey! :) Took a break from studying. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Koichi awoke at the sound of whimpers and moans and he grunted in slight annoyance. Almost a week of overtime has already taken its toll on him. Running a hand through his mussed bed raven – black hair, he propped himself on his elbows, and turned his head to the side. He immediately frowned at the site his eyes caught up with, and all the traces of his annoyance melted in his toes. Tears trailed the cheeks of his wife, her hands grabbing futilely in the air. She was thrashing and turning on her side of the narrow bed, almost hitting him on the head.
"Please." She whispered. "Don't leave me!" Her words were whispers in the night air, so soft he barely heard it, but he did not doubt the weight of her words. Her voice as so heart – wrenching and pained that his heart suddenly clenched tightly. "Koichi."
Koichi scooted closer to her side, and immediately wrapped his arms around her shivering form. He held her for a minute, then an hour. He held her closer, laying her head on his broad, naked chest. "I'm not going anywhere." Koichi whispered back, hoping and wishing she could hear him. She seemed to have calmed at his warmth and his words, her hands and arms settling above his, but her shivering and tears never ceased.
Koichi wanted to cry. His eyes burned with hot tears as his gaze trailed at her beautiful face, to her eyes that was shut and clenched in trepidation, to her full, yet pale lips, murmuring pain – filled words. How much pain did he cause his wife? It was surely immeasurable. He deliberated if the pain she willingly exposed to him those fateful days were just a fraction of what she truly felt. Being the self-sacrificing person she was, he knew he opened a crevice of pain that was so wide, his wife has never finished crossing it yet and never bothered telling him.
I'm sorry. His mind spoke. I'm sorry. Truly sorry.
His mind reeled at the months that have passed. His guilt came crashing down on him.
The time she walked down the aisle, her father's arm around hers. He was fairly certain the shine in her eyes was of pure happiness. Despite the fact it was an arranged marriage, he knew that she found something in him that was worth loving. She was contented as her father gave her away, as Koichi clutched her gloved hand in his. She smiled at him, but he never returned that smile. His wife was pleased that time, but he chose to ignore it.
You were truly beautiful that time. And I regret never telling you.
The time she asked for a divorce. Why did it take him too long to realize that he needed her, that he wanted her, and that he wished to love her and never separate from her when she brought up that particular topic and went missing during their trip with the union? He was being unfair. She was trying to meet his standards, but it never mattered to him. He never really saw her as a wife for three months.
I'm sorry I was never honest. I'm sorry for the lies. I'm sorry for being a fool.
The time when his affair with Ai Yashima was publicly discovered, and was put to shame in the company he has worked so hard for. Didn't he tell her many, many times her benefits are gone as his wife? But she never left; instead she acted as his anchor, as his strength at the other end of the seesaw of their marriage and she pushed and pushed until he was raised from the ashes of his miserable nightmare.
You're such a strong woman. I'm sorry for pushing you to your limit.
The time he met her supervisor. He wanted to hit his face for having his arms around his drunken wife. He wanted to snap at him for talking so high and mighty about his wife, when it was his job, his job as her husband to do so.
Heh. That was petty, but I wanted to be the first one to tell you, to show you how much I was proud of you.
The time she went home with her co – worker. Funny thing is, it took all of his spineless guts to keep himself from punching him.
The time he met the soccer player. He questioned himself if his wife would undoubtedly be happy if she remained reflected in that man's eyes. If she'd marry him, would she shed tears the way shed tears for me?
I never wanted to let you go. But will you be happier if you didn't choose me?
"I'm sorry." She muttered under her breath. "I'm not good enough." Koichi snapped back from his silent reverie. He regarded his wife carefully, tightening his arms around her. She stroked her hair, eager to calm her. She didn't seem to be awake, and was still in the middle of her nightmare, the nightmare he so wanted to stop, whatever plagued her dreams. It was causing her too much pain. Her nocturnal confessions made him want to kick himself repeatedly in the gut.
You've always been good enough for me, my wife. He thought bitterly. I was just too damn blind to see.
And unseeing he was. He was blind, never noticing her purity. Her strong – willed heart, her selflessness. She could have easily kicked him aside, divorced him at a moment's notice and run to the waiting arms of the soccer player who sincerely loved her, but she didn't.
I'm sorry. He thought as his head descended on her crown of brunette hair. His lips softly, gently kissed her hair.
I'm sorry for the tears. He moved closer, kissing her close eyelids.
I'm sorry for the harsh, ice – cold words I have said. He kissed her ears. I'm sorry for not saying I love you enough.
I'm sorry for not being the husband I was supposed to be. He kissed the side of her lips.
I'm sorry for being a heartless jerk. He kissed her neck.
I love you, forever and ever. He kissed her lips. And without any pretense of holding back his feelings, his own share of tears fell.
She stirred against his arms and her eyes fluttered open, and she was startled at the close proximity of Koichi's face from hers. "Uhm, Koichi?" She said, her voice hoarse from crying and whimpering not too long ago. She touched her cheeks gingerly, and frowned. "I'm sorry. Bad dream. Did I wake you?"
"No. You didn't." He answered, his own voice gruff and broken. She sat up on the bed and reached up to cup his cheeks in her small, porcelain hands, catching the free – falling tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked tenderly. "Why are you crying?"
He remained silent for a moment, and went on to see, to truly see, his wife. Bathing in the silver of the moon's light, his breath caught up in is throat. She was beautiful beyond belief, and he wondered what on earth was his worth to receive such a wonderful woman to be his wife. To receive her forgiveness and love despite the sickening reality that he was not worth to take such.
"Why were you crying?" Koichi asked, throwing the same question back at his wife.
"I was dreaming. You were leaving me. You told me that I wasn't good enough." She answered timidly. "Sorry, I'm not supposed to be bothering you with it. It's the past, right? Come on, we should sleep." A flicker of fear and pain dawned in her face, as if she was afraid of the monsters her nightmares brought upon her. Hearing her words laced with so much pain, it broke his heart. She wasn't done crossing that crevice. She was still in the middle of it, limping, bruised and wounded.
"I was just thinking." He answered, after much contemplation; his tears were far from stopping.
"Thinking." His wife repeated, testing the word in her lips. "In the middle of the night?"
"Yes." He replied truthfully. "But let me tell you something."
"Hm?"
"You're more than good enough for me."
"Koichi."
"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be pushing until I can balance the two of us in that seesaw of yours. And I will lift you up."
"Uhm, Koichi."
"Even if you talk in your sleep, I love you, more than anything and anyone, forever and ever."
She blushed, a subdued tinge of red color crept through her cheeks to her ears, and he was satisfied to elicit such a reaction from his wife. He moved to wrap his arms around the curve of her back and leaned his forehead on hers.
"I hope you won't have any more nightmares after this." He whispered, as he leaned in to catch her lips in his. "And if you do, I'll fight them."
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