Have you ever tried NOT breathing? No? Then how can you be so sure you won't enjoy it?
Welcome… to Night Vale
*Theme music plays*
Lots of news to report this week, listeners. The Night Vale Business Association announced earlier today that they've accidentally opened the entrance to new mysterious cave that appears to travel deep underground. The cave was discovered at the former site of the Night Vale Harbour and Waterfront Recreation area, during demolition work being performed to make people stop hallucinating that it exists. Of course, this is just one in a long line of mysterious caves that burrow deep into the earth below Night Vale, occasionally collapsing and swallowing homes and buses that are never seen again, but it's still an important discovery.
The head of the Night Vale Business Association, a Mr Albert Gershwin, had this to say about the discovery: "Hey, so I found this. That means it's mine, right? I own this? I can actually charge people money if they want to come here? That's crazy. I mean, this is great for me. Just a second- HEY, TONY! Go get that flag I made! Everyone needs to know that this is mine!" Then a man, who was apparently named Tony, then erected a small flag in front of the cave entrance. The flag had the words 'This belongs to Al' written on it in magic marker, just above a picture of the Night Vale Business Association emblem that appeared to have been drawn with some kind of jam.
Now, I know we're all excited to go see the cave for ourselves and marvel at the unimaginable ancient horrors that probably lie within, but safety comes first. That's why Carlos and his team of scientists are going to go into the cave first, to run some basic 'cave tests' (as Carlos called them). Apparently it's just the usual sciencey stuff to make sure the cave is safe for tourists. Frankly, it sounds like a good idea to me. I mean, the cave might contain the kind of ancient horror that inhales people at random to rend their skin from their flesh and convert them into shrieking, mindless monsters that come to take our children at night. Or it might be the bad kind. We don't know yet.
Anyway, I'm guessing that's what Carlos's tests will find out. I didn't actually ask him because we were talking about this over morning tea and I was running late to get here for the broadcast and I didn't really want to start him on one of his spiels where he talks for hours about beakers and percentiles and science stuff like that. I mean, I'm really interested in everything he does, but I have a job to do too, you know. And I feel so rude when I have to tell him to stop talking once he's started. Anyway, I've sent our new intern Monica down to the site of the cave to keep us updated on the scientist's activity back here at the station. She tells me that they're just messing about with some equipment for now, so we'll return to that story later.
And now it's time for some other news:
The Night Vale City Council announced this week that the installation of several bicycle sharing stations, which allow citizens of Night Vale to rent bicycles from one designated location and park them in another, has been a resounding success. According to the most recent report on the bike sharing program, which I received taped to a brick that was hurled through the passenger-side window of my car yesterday afternoon, there have been a number of positive effects. Carbon emissions are down 15%. Outdoors exercise is up 12%. Happiness is up 30%. Unhappiness is up 80%. Loss of purpose is up 98%. Muggings are down 14%. Ultra-muggings are up 150%. The moon is down 30%, then up 35%. Then down 30% again.
Well that all sounds like excellent news. I guess I wrong to lambast the bike sharing program as much as I did during its conception and implementation. Performing that 30-hour emergency broadcast, plus circulating all those anti-bicycle petitions and vandalizing government property seems a bit silly now. Ah well, live and learn.
Okay, Monica has just called in to tell me that Carlos and his team of scientists are entering the cave now. I really hope they come back safely. I know they're well equipped, and the ancient horrors lurking deep underground shouldn't be anything a scientist can't handle. I mean, there's even a thin chance there won't be any ancient horrors at all. Still, I think that all of Night Vale joins me is wishing the scientists, and especially Carlos, good luck and the blessing of the Glow Cloud as they embark on this expediti- oh, wait. They're back? Really? That was quick. According to Monica they all ran screaming from the cave a few seconds after they entered.
We should speak to one of the scientists to find out what happened down there. Monica, give the phone to Carlos, please, so I can speak to him.
…What do you mean you don't know which one is Carlos? Carlos is the most handsome one! I don't care if you've only worked here for half a day, you should know these things by now. Oh, also he's a Taurus. You've found him? Hang on, I'll set up the phone so that our listeners can hear what he has to say.
Carlos, Carlos is that you?
Yes, hi Cecil.
Hiii Carlos. So, tell our listeners what happened in the cave? Was it fun?
I'm not 100% sure. We were down there for ten days, testing the rock composition and the structural integrity of the walls. I don't wanna bore you with the details, but it's just all the basic stuff to make sure the cave is safe for civilians. Anyway, just as we were packing up to leave we heard this really load roar from just around the corner. Then all these dripping black tentacles started moving towards us, so we left our gear behind and ran. It was pretty scary, but I'm still annoyed at myself for leaving all the data we collected down there.
Hang on a second, Carlos. You were down there for ten days?
Yeah, obviously. Actually, now that I think about it, why are you broadcasting today? Your show is only on Tuesdays, right? Wait, is this a special broadcast for me? Aww, you shouldn't have.
No, Carlos, you don't understand. You and your team were only down there for a few seconds. You entered the cave and came running out again almost instantly.
What? Oh, ha ha, very funny Cecil. Come on, even the date on my phone says it's the- wait. Not that's not right. The 27th? Oh, oh this is big Cecil. Hang on one second-
BLOCK THE CAVE! DON'T LET ANYBODY IN THERE! THIS IS DANGEROUS STUFF WE COULD BE DEALING WITH HERE, PEOPLE!
I'm sorry Cecil, but I have to go. I don't know what's really happening in there, but we definitely can't let anybody in right now. I'm going to see if I can get any readings from the equipment we left down there.
Okay Carlos. I know I can't stop you when it comes to sciencey stuff, but please promise me you'll stay safe.
I promise, Cecil.
Thanks sweetie. I'll see you at home later. Oh, and hand the phone back to Monica when you're done. Bye.
Bye Cecil.
Hello, Monica? Okay, what's happening now? Monica says that the other scientists are getting into an argument with Mr Gershwin, and there are men with… Hamburgers? Did you say hamburgers Monica? Monica?
Huh, the call cut out. I'm calling her back buuut… no answer. Darn it. Well, we'll just have to come back to that story later.
And now it's time for a new segment: Cecil's Relaxation Corner. What with today's busybody world of smart phones and TV and mandatory brain electrolysis, I thought it would be nice to use part of the show as a gentle, relaxing meditation session for our listeners. Okay, let's begin.
Listen carefully to my voice. No, the other one. If you are not sitting down, do so now. If you were already sitting down then you have failed the meditation. This will be noted on all future job applications. Think calming thoughts. Think about things other than insects. Think about things like calm waves, or a gentle breeze in a verdant forest. A forest that definitely isn't filled with insects that crawl all over you and try to force themselves into your defenceless facial orifices while your hands are tied behind you back. Your hands AREN'T tied behind your back, are they? That's good. Or it might not be. Think about a quiet, empty field. Now think about a loud, empty field. Louder. LOUDER. DON'T. STOP. THINKING. EVER. If you stop thinking you will die. YOU HAVE TO KEEP THINKING! Think about anything. But not insects. Or think about a lot of insects. Insects crawling around you, on top of you AND inside of you. Or don't; it doesn't matter, since you'll die eventually either way.
This has been Cecil's Relaxation Corner.
Okay, during the meditation I received several text messages from intern Monica. Turns out she wasn't saying 'hamburgers,' she was saying 'halberds.' Gershwin, in an effort to prevent anybody else from entering the cave without having paid admission, has armed the rest of the Night Vale Business Association with halberds and other medieval weaponry and stationed them at the entrance to the cave. He is now claiming 'complete and unequivocal ownership' of the cave, and is barring entrance to anybody who doesn't bow to him and pledge fealty, as well as paying $10 for one day admission. Carlos and his team of scientists are arguing that no-one should be allowed into the cave until they've done more experiments, or something like that, but nobody appears to be listening to them.
Shortly after Gershwin made his declaration Mayor Pamela Winchell held an emergency press conference to discuss the implications of what she called 'illegal seizure of town property.' Here is the statement we received from town hall just moments ago: "Everything in this town belongs to the town, including the underground caves and secret government facilities we definitely don't know about. And because I'm the mayor, everything that belongs to Night Vale belongs to me. I own all the buildings. I own all of you. Claiming ownership of the caves is taking my property, and I'm not going to stand for it! I'm going to go down to that cave and show that stinking Gershwin who owns what!" The mayor then pulled a two-handed greatsword from behind the podium and ran screaming from Town Hall.
That's the most up-to-date information we have. Hang on, I'll try to get a hold of Monica again. Oh, it's ringing this time. Monica? Hi, it's Cecil. I'm good, thanks. Anyway, is the Mayor at the cave yet? Uh huh. Uh huh. Ooh. Uh huh. Okay listeners, the Mayor arrived at the cave a few minutes ago, followed closely by a group of confused citizens, all armed with steel longswords and clad in poorly-fitted metal armour. The citizens, which includes intern Monica, were rounded up as a kind of impromptu militia in the mayor's campaign to reclaim Night Vale property. I am now being told that the mayor has declared open war against the mysterious cave and the Night Vale Business Association, on behalf of Night Vale itself and the rest of the Night Vale City Council. The Night Vale Business Association, led by the mad tyrant Albert Gershwin, has refused an offer of surrender and is preparing for battle.
Well, listeners, I never thought I would have to say this on air, but Night Vale is at war. We all have to do our part; and my part as a journalist and radio news presenter is to tell you what your part is. As per the terms of the mandatory 'Night Vale Citizenship Agreement and Irrevocable Blood Pact of 1746,' all citizens who are able to bleed must take up arms, using only the weapons specified in the now centuries old document, in defence of their town. So, everybody go to the emergency weapon lockers that you will now find under your bed, already opened. In them you will find two sets of chain mail, a bronze longsword, two bricks of C4 explosive and a small red pill. Now, remove your false molar, which is the one on the upper left side of your mouth, two from the back, carefully position the pill in the gap created, and replace the tooth so that you can bite down on the pill and spill its contents into your mouth if need be. Situations in which you will need to do this will be listed shortly.
Now, you may consider lining the edge of your longsword with the deadly poison of the Golden Poison Dart Frog. Go to the cabinet beneath your sink and- wait, what was that Monica? We won? Oh, well that's good. Okay listeners, just bear with me for a moment while I get the full story. Oh, and don't bite down on anything, or speak or breathe too heavily. That's really quite important. I'll go over the instructions for removing the VERY lethal pill in a moment, but right now we're overdue for a commercial break, so here's a word from our sponsors:
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Okay listeners, now that we've had a little time to get the facts in order, here's what happened at the cave. According to Monica the entire staff of the Night Vale Business Association, once they realised that they are paid each fortnight by the City Council and not Gershwin himself, turned their weapons on their power-crazed leader and forced him backwards into the cave. Once he was out of sight a load roar was heard emanating from the cave, but it has been silent since. Mayor Pamela Winchell has prohibited anybody except herself from entering the cave for the time being, until she can decide if she wants to keep it for personal use or allow the 'riff-raff' -as she commonly refers to most Night Vale citizens- access.
So, um… hey, we won our first war against normal-sized humans. And with no casualties on our side, either. So that's great, right? I mean, sure it's a little anticlimactic, but this is good news! We still don't really know anything about the ancient horrors lurking in the cave, but then aren't the most beautiful parts of life the parts we have absolutely no knowledge of. Stuff like bees and farming equipment. Carlos is a little upset, but don't worry about him. I'm sure there's plenty more scientific stuff for him to investigate. Trust me, by tomorrow he'll be working on some new tests like 'Why is this tree purple?' or 'why does my skin melt over here?' and he'll have forgotten all about it.
Another point of note, our intern survived this week. Sure feels like a while since that's happened.
Stay tuned for- oh wait, I feel like I'm forgetting something. Umm… no, I've lost it.
Anyway, stay tuned for a light fizzling sound, followed by total loss of consciousness. And, as always: good night, Night Vale.
