Never a Bad Memory

by Fefetama's Dad

The events of this story take place immediately after the final scene of "Morty's Mind Blowers": Season 3 Episode 8.

"Ghang! Ungh! Arnh! Uff!" Jerry grunted with each blow to the bike helmet with the video tape sticking out.

"Jerry! What are you doing? Why are you even here? You're trespassing and vandalism is no extra help."

"What? What is…*pant*" Jerry struggled, dropping the bat with a hollow clatter against the garage floor.

"I see you found Jerry's Mind Blowers." Rick said, "It's my own fault I suppose. I'm too busy to tidy up, there's no one I trust to do it for me, this whole garage is an armageddon waiting to happen. It's lucky I didn't have to use the vacuum tube model on you. This BetaMax model only had eight compatible tapes and most of the horrible things you've done or seen you didn't understand."

Rick picked up the chipped Memory Extraction and Restoration helmet, examining it, "Anyway, I'm sorry you had to see that and I'm sure you miss... What the…? 'Apple Campaign'? You beat the shit out of the MXR after the Apple Campaign? Wow. Good thing you didn't see the Sleepy Gary tape."

"I did." Jerry said.

"Oh."

"Why would you think I wouldn't want to know about that? If anything I'm kind of pissed you took that away from me. I thought the Apple Campaign would be me getting a job with Apple or something."

"Trust me, Jerry, any place that has the unmitigated gall to call its customer service desk a 'Genius Bar' has standards you can't reach despite its megalomaniacal delusions."

"So two memories that were just horrifying and one that…"

"Was just as horrifying to everyone but you, Jerry. Your demeanor tells me you'd do it all over again if you could."

Rick walked over to his main workbench and put the helmet down and reached across for the neurological memory extraction optical interface, "All the pieces are in place to do it all over again, so I'll ask you. Are you going to try it again? Are you ready to fuck everyone sideways for the sake of your own personal happiness?"

Jerry scowled.

"That look tells me more honestly than anything you'd say. Look into the gun, Jerry, and I'll save the entire planet for the second time with a whole lot fewer bloody corpses on your conscience."

"No!" Jerry screamed covering his eyes and running out of the garage.

"Fuck," Rick said, giving chase, "You are one lucky son of a bitch that you're the father of my grandkids, Jerry. I'd not only kill you, I'd feed your corpse to an animal on Hooliby IV that mixes its feces with photosynthetic DNA reconstructase that resurrects you painfully over the course of a month so it can have a second helping of you if you tasted especially good."

"Get away from me, Rick! If everything I saw on those tapes actually happened, all of this could have been avoided if you hadn't come back after 20 years. The family was fine without you. You were the only one who had a problem with our being a normal suburban family."

"Everyone should have a problem with that, Jerry. The lack of awareness of all the sick savage twisted a-holes the galaxy can send crashing down all around them is the only thing that keeps them from blowing their brains out making room for more evolved creatures like your wife. It's earth's ignorance that lets their higher life forms breed with genetic defects like you and leaves me with half-great minds to work with like your kids. Honestly, Jerry, it's the nostalgic Leave It To Beaver crap that stops Earth from being a decisive galactic power. Suburban life is everything wrong with the planet."

click The bolt lock of the back door that Jerry had shut between them slid into place. "Interstellar Domination isn't everybody's…"

"What the hell is that?" Rick interrupted, bending down abruptly. "Wow! Have a look at this, Jerry!"

Jerry saw, but wouldn't remember Rick standing up again with the optical Memory Extraction unit pointed square at Jerry's face. The windows of the back door did nothing to impede seizure-inducing oscillating photon arrays.