Is it me? Is it some kind of God´s punishment? Because if it is, I should keep myself quite far away from Jimmy. I wouldn´t be able to stand if also he… No! I can´t even think about it!
But still… Why Sybil? I don´t get it. The only one of them who would really be able to make all these lords and ladies bearable. She could have make them better. And now? She´s dead!
Is there any justice in the world? Because if it is, it´s somewhere really far away from me. As if I wasn´t punished enough when I was born homosexual! As if I wasn´t punished enough in the war! As if I wasn´t punished enough when Edward died! I´ve almost forgotten the sight of the pool of blood under his bed…
It was her to find him. He didn´t mean so much to her, but still… she liked him, she tried to help him, and then she found him there. Dead, pale, with last drops of blood pouring from open veins… And she remained still, helped whoever came to take him away, made the bed up, cleaned the room. Absolutely calm, without hesitating, as if she wasn´t human at all. She saw terrible things, wounded soldiers, people without big parts of bodies, awfully burnt men, and still stayed a nurse. She didn´t even think about leaving it all, running to the big house to the safety and comfort. She was much braver than I´ve been. I don´t know if anybody sees it as clearly as I do, because nobody knew her in the same way as I did. Except doctor Clarkson.
Despite the fact that I desperately hate him because it was his fault Edward killed himself – even though I prefer to say was killed because it shows him in better light. – I know he must feel terrible now. I would never want this for anybody, even not him. The fact you could have done something and couldn´t in one… I know it too well.
He was right. But nobody trusted him, maybe just Sybil´s mother, but she´s not counted because she didn´t really trust him, she just had her mother instinct. What could be worse for a doctor than to know you can save the patient - and it´s your only choice to save the life – but you can´t because nobody wants to run the risk if they can believe somebody who says everything´s absolutely okay? I really wouldn´t want to be him.
But why Sybil? She was one of the little people who were kind to me, who respected me, who was willing to see the real me – despite the fact she knew I don´t like girls. Not that way. She was the most amazing woman I´ve ever met, the only one I ever really liked and admired. She was so good, so innocent, so selfless…
I´ve never thought I would cry for anybody from this family. Never. And now?
Hot, salty tears come from my eyes and get cold while they´re soaking into the fabric of my shirt. I lean against a wall, feeling the cold bricks under my forehead and breathing hardly. I cry, in public when everybody can see it. And I don´t mind. Actually I want everybody to see it. That I lost somebody I really liked. I also lost my beloved. Because she was so close to me as a woman can ever be to me, even though she didn´t realize it at all.
I will never forget her.
Good bye, Sybil, my friend. I will miss you. I hope you don´t suffer wherever you are. I´ll try to take care of your daughter as much as I will be able to. I promise. Rest in peace.
