Hi! I wasn't planning on publishing this in a long time, but since I found it again and got interested enough to actually write it again, I decided that I would put it online too.
This is my first Merlin fic and I really hope you will like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin
"I don't want to talk about it." Merlin said and continued to fold Arthur's clothes. The older was getting irritated. Something was wrong with Merlin and he refused to talk about it. Arthur had to know what was going on, after all, they had been friends for a very long time.
"Just tell me Merlin. Something is obviously upsetting you and I want to know what it is." Arthur knew right away that he didn't come out like he had wanted it to. It was too-
"Why do you always have to be so commanding?" Yup, too commanding.
"Would it hurt to mind your own business for once?" Merlin continued very angrily. His tone was sharp and he said it so it would hurt. Arthur didn't have time to feel surprised about Merlin's outburst for long since the younger turned away from him and marched towards the door with clenched fists.
"Merlin-!" Arthur shouted but the warlock already slammed the door shut with clear anger.
Arthur sighed and slumped back to his chair and ran his hand through his hair.
"What the hell...?" He said to himself. Merlin never acted like this. There was definitely something wrong. Arthur wasn't sure how to react and wondered if he should really just mind his own business. Maybe Merlin just wanted to have some time alone? But Arthur knew that it wasn't just that and he intended to find out what it was.
Outside the room, Merlin walked faster and faster away from Arthur's room. He didn't know why but suddenly all his emotions seemed to burst out. He could feel the strange lump in his throat and he knew that if he wouldn't calm down soon he was going to cry. And he definitely didn't want anyone to see that. So Merlin ran to the place where he knew that he could be all alone in. No one ever went there. Well, except for Merlin.
Many people passed the boy on the busy halls of the castle but Merlin didn't even notice them. Some called his name in worry, but none followed. And for that he was glad. He couldn't talk to anyone right now.
Less and less people could be seen in the halls, mostly just guards changing their shifts or standing by a door. Merlin was like a noble in the castle. He could go where ever he wanted and when he wanted, and no one would question it. He was Arthur's most loyal and trusted friend and also the court sorcerer. So no one asked why Merlin was heading to the caves underneath the castle where Kilgarrah had been kept captive.
When Merlin reached the enormous cave he collapsed to his knees and hands and let out a sob that he had been holding since he had exited Arthur's room. He didn't know how long the tears had run down his face but now they dropped to the soil making tiny wet spots. No one would hear his crying in there. No matter how his voice echoed, no one would hear. No one would hear if he wanted to scream his lungs out. That's what Merlin liked about this place. But now, he didn't want to shout. He just wanted to weep silently. He was just so tired. So, so tired of this whole destiny of his. When he finally realized what it truly meant, his strength just seemed to disappear. And the most frustrating thing was that even that was his destiny. Everything he did, it was meant to be. And he truly couldn't escape it. It was so tiring. He had only understood the true meaning of the words everyone had been telling him a little while ago. He was a caged bird. He couldn't escape his destiny. For even if he were to leave, he would always have to come back and that too, was his destiny. It made him sick inside. It made him feel pathetic. He couldn't fight it.
Merlin was so lost in his own thoughts that he couldn't hear footsteps approaching. He was only woken from his thoughts by a voice.
"Merlin...?" Came a careful question. It was Arthur. He had followed him there. His voice seemed concerned and he seemed a bit shaken by seeing Merlin's figure, crying on the ground.
Merlin quickly lifted himself up to his knees and thanked himself for facing the direction away from Arthur. He couldn't let the older see any more of this side of him.
Merlin quickly wiped his tears away and tried to collect himself.
"Merlin seriously...I'm worried about you..." Arthur said and took a few careful steps towards Merlin. The warlock felt ashamed. He had caused Arthur to act like this. He was always trying to cheer Merlin up in some way, but now he seemed almost afraid. He was afraid that he would hurt Merlin.
Merlin wanted to jump up and smile and tell that everything was fine. He wanted Arthur to tease him and tell him that he was a clumsy idiot. He wanted everything to be normal. But Merlin just couldn't do it any more. He had been pretending that everything was all right for too long. He was tired. He felt weak. He knew that he was going to break soon. He needed help. He knew that he needed to tell Arthur now.
"Arthur..." Merlin said without looking at the older. Everything had just stopped around them. No more pretending, Merlin decided.
"I'm tired..." He continued. Arthur didn't move or comment. Merlin didn't want him to. He knew that the young king was quite shocked about the sudden turn of events. Merlin didn't feel like himself, or maybe, he had always been like this deep down.
"...I'm tired of pretending that everything is all right...It's just not." Merlin said and swallowed. His voice was barely a whisper but it was full of hurt.
"This destiny is breaking me...It's suffocating me..." Merlin fell silent after that. Arthur took a few steps closer. There was only a few steps between the two men now.
"What...do you mean? Merlin? What's happening?" He asked with a silent voice, almost a whisper. The voice was so unlike Arthur. His tone was usually strong and confident but this was nothing like it. He sounded scared and uncertain.
Merlin let out a pained sigh and felt his tears running down his cheeks again. But now he couldn't care less.
"Don't you see Arthur...?" Merlin asked. Arthur didn't answer, he just kept quiet.
"We can't escape our destiny." Merlin said and turned to look at Arthur. His face must have looked terrible, covered in tears and eyes red. Arthur looked shocked and scared.
"Merlin..." He breathed. He didn't understand. He was just so worried about his friend. He had no idea what was going on and it scared him. Merlin lifted his tired body up and he looked away from Arthur. The cave was dark. Merlin hadn't brought a torch with him, unlike Arthur. He held it in his hand and the fire flickered. The sound was loud in such silent place. But then, Arthur suddenly let go of the torch and it hit the ground, making a strange echo in the caves. Merlin just looked away from Arthur, unmoving.
Merlin didn't need words to do a simple spell. He had gotten much stronger. Suddenly, there were lights in the cave, coming from the darkness and floating gently upwards. They were small and resembled soap bubbles but these balls of light wouldn't break, both of them knew that. The light from the torch went out and then they were surrounded by a gentle light that resembled the moon's light a bit. Thousands of little balls floated so, so slowly towards the high ceiling. Merlin's gaze followed one ball that was quite close to him and it soon went over his head and he continued to stare at it like it was the only thing that mattered.
Arthur watched as the light illuminated Merlin's face from different angles and he noticed even more, how exhausted the boy looked. But his eyes were the worst. There was nothing there. He looked like he was ready to give up. Arthur knew that he needed to help Merlin. He needed rest. A lot of rest.
Arthur almost jumped when Merlin turned his gaze to Arthur again.
"I hate it Arthur... I hate this destiny..." He said and more tears ran down his face. The lights made the tears look like they would be shining and it made the other seem so distant. Arthur didn't like it. He took a few steps closer and soon their faces were very close. Usually it would feel awkward, but right now Arthur just wanted for Merlin to come back since it felt like the other was far from Arthur's reach. It made him feel scared, even though he hated to admit it. He studied Merlin's face for a while before focusing on his eyes. He looked so pleading. He looked so tired. He looked so...different.
"Arthur..." His voice was just a silent whisper. He was just about to break but it was clear that he needed to say something. And soon he did.
"...I...I can't even die... for this destiny will always bring me back..." His voice broke in the middle of the sentence. The words shocked Arthur so greatly. Only one question ran in his head, like screaming: 'Merlin, where have you gone?'
Merlin's words were so full of despair that Arthur was certain that he just broke inside himself too. Merlin didn't want to live any longer. That message was conveyed clearly. This made Arthur feel so many different emotions that he couldn't handle himself. Shock. Fear. Sadness and quilt for not seeing this earlier. He felt like Merlin was disappearing, right before him. His best friend. All those days he had been together with the younger. They were so precious to Arthur. All those moments they laughed, cried, just smiled knowing that the other understood everything, the moments they had to run for their lives and the countless of times they had saved each other's lives. But that all was fading, right before him. So he did the only thing he could think of. He threw his arms behind Merlin and pulled him as close as possible. It was a strange hug. It conveyed many feelings. It was rough, not gentle but Arthur wanted to show that he wasn't willing to let go. He wanted for Merlin to see that he wasn't alone, that Arthur would help him now.
"It's going to be okay Merlin. Everything is going to be fine, you hear? So don't ever say anything like that any longer, okay? I won't let you die until you grow old and lie in your bed, happy about your entire life. We'll figure this out okay? Just... don't think about doing anything stupid." Arthur wished that he could talk some sense to the warlock but he knew that right now no words would reach him. Merlin was lost and broken. He needed time to get everything sorted out.
Arthur was truly afraid. He hadn't felt this afraid in a very long time. Even though he was holding Merlin in his arms it felt like he wasn't there. He wanted to be gone. He didn't want to live. What had happened when Arthur hadn't been looking? What did Merlin face alone when Arthur couldn't see him? What had happened that could drive the warlock into such despair that his life had lost its value?
People talked about their destiny. It was daily. Every day someone would talk about what they were supposed to do. Because it was their destiny. But what did Merlin know about the destiny that Arthur didn't?
"I just want to finish it...My destiny..." Merlin whispered and Arthur could feel his own shirt getting wet because of Merlin's tears. The younger seemed so distant. His words hurt Arthur like knives to his chest. Arthur wanted to tell him something to reassure him but he couldn't find any words. So he just tightened his grip ever so slightly. Then, something happened that Arthur didn't expect. The lights soon started to fade, slowly and when Arthur looked around to see what was happening, Merlin soon fell limp in his arms. Arthur collected himself in time to hold Merlin up and slowly he lowered them both on the ground. He knew that Merlin was just very exhausted and passed out because of that, so he continued to hold Merlin for a little while longer.
"You'll be okay. I'll make sure of that." He whispered to the other. Arthur knew that moment that things would be very different after this. He had witnessed something that changed everything.
Later that evening Arthur sat in a chair beside Merlin's bed, completely in his own thoughts, as Guinevere walks in and rests her hand on her husband's shoulder. Arthur knows right away who it was and does not move an inch. Instead, he just keeps his eyes tightly locked on Merlin's figure.
"Arthur, no one has spoken a word to me. What has happened to Merlin?" The queen asks in a kind, yet demanding tone. She was genuinely worried about one of her best friends, like Arthur.
The king only shook his head ever so slightly.
"I wish I knew... I wish he would have told me earlier. Maybe things wouldn't have gone this way..." Arthur spoke, maybe to himself mostly, with a very soft and wavering voice.
Guinevere gave him a slight shake.
"Arthur, you're scaring me. What's going on?"
He stayed silent for a while, his gaze never shifting from the unconscious figure on the bed, before answering her.
"It's...going to be okay," He lifted his hand to touch hers. "-everything is going to be okay. I promised him that."
And no matter how Guinevere demanded or plead, she never got to hear what truly had happened that evening.
The following day gave Arthur the most terrible headache he had had in months.
As he walked through the halls, a young girl came from the kitchens and addressed the king.
"My lord, have you eaten your breakfast yet? Merlin did not appear this morning to bring it to you so I thought..." After that the girl seemed to be very interested in her shoes and Arthur could not make sense of the last piece of her sentence.
"Merlin is ill so he won't be performing his serving duties to me for the next few da-" An image of Merlin, weak and crying, flashed inside his mind.
"-for a few weeks at least. Tell someone to fill in for him, would you?" Arthur knew that he wouldn't let Merlin perform his serving duties to Arthur in a long time -or ever again. The boy had seen enough of his serving days as far as Arthur was concerned. And if it would lift his spirits even the slightest, Arthur was more than willing to listen to even George's terrible jokes about brass.
The girl seemed shocked about the news as her eyes went wide as saucers. Arthur was glad that she didn't ask anything else. She bowed and replied hurriedly: "Yes, sire." As she was about to run off, Arthur stopped her.
"And please bring breakfast for Guinevere. She will be waking up soon."
"What about you, sire?"
Arthur sighed. He had no appetite whatsoever.
"I will be fine."
The news about Merlin being ill spread around like wildfire amongst the servants. There were strange rumours floating about that someone had tried to murder Merlin with poison or a dagger. Arthur wouldn't stop to correct any rumour, he had better things to do than quieting the gossips one by one.
But before he could go to perform his kingly duties with the council, a familiar figure strode towards him with determination.
"Gaius, good morning."Arthur greeted him, but he didn't answer. He looked worried and angry, somehow.
"Have you seen Merlin this morning sire? He was supposed to run errands for me like usual but he hasn't shown up." Arthur was surprised that Merlin still had time to help Arthur and Gaius, while he seemed to also have new duties as the court sorcerer. Putting those thoughts aside, he thought for a moment if he should tell Gaius everything so he could check that nothing more was wrong with Merlin. But soon he decided to keep it for himself. There was no need for Gaius to get himself worked up for nothing. Besides, Merlin didn't like unneeded attention and right now Arthur was sure that he wouldn't like to show is weak side to anyone.
"Merlin is feeling a bit under the weather so he won't be performing his duties for a couple of days. I can tell a servant to fill in for him if you'd like-"
"Well I should check on him immediately! It could be something serious-" Gaius interrupted his king without thinking. Arthur laughed inwardly: Gaius only forgot about formalities when it was about Merlin.
"No, no. He said that he would just need a bit rest." Gaius looked at Arthur reluctantly.
"Gaius, Merlin is almost a physician himself. I'm sure that he knows what he is doing. And I'm sure that he would ask for your help if he needed it." Arthur himself knew that Merlin had done just that last evening, even though it wasn't expressed so.
Gaius then sighed and nodded.
"You are right sire."
From there, Arthur and Gaius continued to the council meeting, which went by quite uneventfully. The only worry during the meeting was the matter of the increased rate of magical beasts in the forests surrounding Camelot. Arthur told the patrols to be more careful than usual and told them to move in bigger groups in case of an attack.
The headache came after that.
Arthur had to meet a few people after the council meeting in the lower town. But as he ran down the main stairs leading to the castle, he saw around ten children waiting outside and staring straight towards the castle, like they were waiting for someone.
Arthur somehow knew that it would become bothersome if he asked them what they were doing, but as a king he couldn't ignore them. So he walked to them and knelt down.
"Are you waiting for someone?" He asked in a soft tone, seeing as some of the children had noticed who was talking to them. Arthur felt amused as they whispered to each other excited: "It's King Arthur!"
The boy who stood before the group took a step forward.
"We're waiting for our teacher. He was supposed to come already, so we came to see where he is. But we can't go inside the castle." Arthur nodded understandingly.
"Can you tell your teacher's name?" Arthur asked.
"Merlin." The boy said.
Arthur was surprised first, then he felt like it was obvious.
These children had magic. Merlin had been teaching them how to use it properly every day. Arthur knew that he did teach children and older people, but had never really ran across these sorcerers.
"I'm sorry, your teacher won't be coming to teach you for a while." Arthur said without really thinking. Shock was written all over their faces. And in a blink of an eye, the first child started crying.
"Why not?!" The boy demanded angrily. Arthur regretted his words and tried to think of an explanation that would satisfy the children.
"Well, uh, you see..." Arthur sighed. He wasn't really good with children. He felt his headache forming. More cries could be heard. He had to think of something, quickly. The people around the courtyard were starting to stare.
"Merlin, as you know, is a very powerful sorcerer." Arthur said in a mighty manner, as in telling a story. The children were listening, thankfully.
"He is also a very close friend of mine, as you might know." Some of the children's eyes lit up.
"He's a friend to King Arthur?!" One of them exclaimed.
So Merlin hadn't told them anything about Arthur then.
"Yes, and Merlin is also a very brave warrior! I trust him with my life every day." Arthur continued and the children listened to his story, completely forgetting about their sadness.
"So the very brave Merlin has gone to a very special mission I prepared for him." The children's mouths were open in big 'o's.
"So when will he come back?" The boy in the front asked.
"He won't be long, I promise you that. And when he comes back he will be much stronger than before." Arthur told them. He only wished that it were true but somehow in his heart he knew that Merlin needed more than 'a little while' to heal his heart and mind.
"That's amazing!" The children exclaimed.
"Thank you, King Arthur!" One of the children shouted and they all ran off.
Arthur sighed and gave a smile. He had no idea that Merlin had so many people around who cared for him.
Unfortunately, Arthur's headache would just keep growing.
He had just come back from the lower town and was feeling quite tired when he heard a voice behind him asking:
"Sire! I'm very sorry, but would you happen to know where Merlin might be? He was supposed to teach us today..."
That evening he sat beside Merlin's bed again, like the evening before.
He had lit the candles in the room by himself, which he usually left for servants to do. Even Guinevere had decided to leave Arthur alone with Merlin, understanding that there was something going on that needed to stay between the two men.
The boy was still unconscious but wasn't looking ill. Just relaxed, yet tired.
Arthur felt like it was too silent, so he began to chat with the boy.
"I.. went to the lower town today." He began. His voice echoed in the former quest chamber, which he had given Merlin since his own chambers were too small for him. He had to invite quests and keep a lot of books and magical objects in his room, and his former room in the back of Gaius's chambers just hadn't really been appropriate for such, not that Merlin would have minded.
"I... really didn't know you knew so many people. And...how busy your days are."
It felt silly to talk to someone unconscious, but it also helped Arthur to cope without his friend.
"The people in the castle kept asking where you are. There are even some rumours going around that someone tried to poison you. It's really funny, right?" Arthur kept smiling when he spoke even though he felt so lonely inside.
"Even the people in the town came to ask me where you are. You have a lot of students. It's a bit funny to think that you're a teacher... since you're an idiot." Arthur felt like the times that they could insult each other were a far thing in the past. He felt like Merlin was slipping away from him and he couldn't do anything. What would Arthur do if Merlin stopped trusting him? Feeling a deep need of wanting to help his friend, to be there for him, he rested his hand on Merlin's.
"Even the children came outside of the castle to wait for you. They were really worried about you. You won't believe how surprised they were when I told them that you were my very close friend." Arthur swallowed. A lump was forming in his throat. "I told them that since you're a brave warrior, I sent you to a special mission." Arthur suddenly felt tears gathering in his eyes. He tried to blink them away and he kept smiling.
"I said.." He continued with a wavering voice. "that you would come back soon, and that you would be even stronger than before."
He paused a took deep breaths to calm himself down.
"It's true Merlin, you will come back soon. My special mission for you is for you to rest and heal yourself. And when you come back from this mission, you will be so much stronger, okay?" He gave Merlin's hand a squeeze.
Then, without any warning, the alarm bells started ringing. Arthur shot up from his seat and rested Merlin's hand back on the bed.
"I'll be back soon." Arthur said and ran to extinguish the candles before exiting the pitch-black room.
Unfortunately, Arthur couldn't return to Merlin's side that evening.
The very unlikely and terrible thing had happened. The magical creatures in the forests had all decided to attack Camelot that night.
The guards hadn't stood a chance against the blood-lusty creatures. The knights gathered in the courtyard briefly before running towards lower town to save and protect what they could. For many, it would be their last fight.
Arthur had ran into the fight without a second thought, like a real knight would. When he had gotten into the lower town, he had to stop. The street he had just walked down today was filled with bodies and blood. Some houses had collapsed and there were fires spreading all around.
He knew that the situation was serious and there were a few solutions in his mind but he dismissed them immediately. Merlin couldn't help them. They couldn't abandon the people in lower town by sealing the gates.
His knights were shouting and battling against the creatures in the darkness, the only light being the raging fires.
There was smoke and blood everywhere.
Truly, a battlefield. But the king didn't think nothing more before he ran to defeat the ugly creatures with his sword, the Excalibur.
After a few hours Arthur thought he would become deaf. The shouts and cries were so loud, not to mention the occasional roars of the beasts.
The battle was starting to tire him, seeing bodies of his knights, his brothers on the ground unmoving, and all his people living in the lower town slaughtered. He got occasional peaks of strength mixed with anger as he would see someone who he knew well, dead. Hours went by, his sweat kept falling, his sword kept swinging, the creatures kept killing. But they didn't get past the white walls of the castle. Arthur was so proud of every single knight that night. They protected their home and families with everything they got. They truly had shoved their spirit as knights of Camelot once again.
The entire night they fought. Many fell, as did many beasts.
But as the light of the day appeared in the horizon, the creatures turned their tail and ran from the town like they never had had any business there.
Arthur was relieved and exhausted. He wished he could collapse onto his knees but as a king he still had many things he needed to do.
The knights who were still able to help gathered around Arthur. Finally he could sheathe his bloody sword.
"Check for survivors! Put the fires out!" Arthur shouted orders. They were all tired. But like true knights they gladly still helped.
Arthur had received gash to his side and bruises over his body. They weren't too serious, but the bleeding still needed to be stopped.
"Sire." Someone addressed him from behind. Arthur turned to see Leon, dirty and tired, but alive.
"Leon. I'm glad to see you are alive." Leon nodded in appreciation.
"Sire, you should get treated. I will handle things from here." Arthur was about to argue back but when he saw Gwaine coming towards him behind Leon, looking as bad as the other, he knew that they wouldn't give him a choice.
Arthur then gave a nod.
"I'll come back soon as I can." He assured and walked past the two, giving them a tap on their shoulders.
Arthur hadn't really even noticed that he had gotten carried quite far from the main gates during the battle. He walked quite a while before he came to a stop.
He saw something that made him break inside once again.
It was Merlin.
The white walls made him look even paler than in the candlelight and the dark circles under his eyes were visible even from far away. His figure looked weak and he was slightly hunched. He looked so very, very broken to Arthur.
The king couldn't move. Merlin still hadn't noticed him. He just kept walking forward, looking left and right at the bodies and blood, looking completely and utterly defeated. Then he stopped and Arthur could hear a sob breaking from him. He was looking to his right before he ran a few steps toward whatever he was looking at before crouching and lifting something, or rather someone, up to his arms. He wailed and his figure was shaking.
Arthur gulped and slowly approached him.
Merlin didn't move to see who had appeared beside him, he just kept crying and rocking forth and back.
Arthur couldn't see the face of the figure Merlin was holding, but he saw that it was a child. Then the realization hit him.
Oh god...
It was one of the children he had seen the day before. One of those children who Merlin had been teaching magic to. One of those children who had been so very exited about the story Arthur had told them.
And now... that once lively figure laid completely still and pale and so very very cold...
"They didn't deserve this..." Merlin sobbed. He had already realized that Arthur was standing behind him.
Arthur's eyes were starting to water again. Why did Merlin have to go through all of this?
"Why... why am I not able to protect anyone?" Merlin whispered with an angry tone. Arthur's fear had come true. Merlin was blaming himself.
"Merlin...This is not your fault." Arthur said and put a hand on Merlin's shoulder.
Merlin then turned his head around with speed that Arthur didn't know the warlock was capable of in his condition.
But more than of his speed, he was shocked of what he saw in his eyes.
They well full of anger. Not towards Arthur, but himself. The king was so shocked that he couldn't move or speak. Merlin's tears had left his eyes raw but they had such power in them that Arthur felt himself drowning in the strong feeling they were telling.
The boy then turned away from Arthur and laid the child on the ground again and closed his lifeless eyes. He stayed silent for a while, just staring at the body.
Arthur couldn't say anything. He hated himself for being so powerless. Merlin was drifting even further and Arthur couldn't stop it. He wished he could just say the things his heart kept saying: "It will be alright Merlin, you just need to rest. Things will get better, I promise. I will keep you safe. I will help you."
But Arthur knew that none of those words would reach Merlin. Something inside of him had changed.
Merlin then stood up, his figure telling only of his determination. Arthur felt genuinely scared. Merlin was always doing reckless things to protect others and this was surely going to be one of those moments again.
"Don't..." It only came out as a gasp. Arthur's voice was betraying him again. 'Don't leave Merlin. I know what you're thinking.' He had wanted to say. But before he had a chance to try again, Merlin said one sentence before turning to run away from the city.
Arthur was left frozen in the same spot.
"I'll fix this. I'll figure something out." He had said before running to the woods.
Oh, how Arthur wanted to run after him. But he knew that it wouldn't make a difference. Whatever Merlin was planning, he couldn't stop it. He could only hope that the fool would try to keep himself safe.
Thanks for reading the first chapter of my Merlin fic. There will be two more long chapters and they will be updated this week as the story is finished and I only need to check the chapters.
I hope you liked this and it would be nice if you could leave a review, especially if you noticed any errors!
