Premise: Context is important. Context can change everything, even the simplest of statements like 'I love you.'
This is a little several-shot that was bugging my brain, about the premiere and the beginning of the season. It's angsty. But then again, I think the premiere and the beginning of the season are going to be angsty too. This deals with hidden feelings, guilt, missed opportunities and misunderstandings. And the oh, so important fact that the context of any situation really affects our perceptions, our feelings and our emotions. And our actions.
One part of this (actually the second part, not in this chapter) has actually been in my brain for a while. But the first part I dreamed up after seeing the promo for Rise.
Disclaimer: No characters are mine and I make no claims to them. They're too awesome to be all mine anyway.
It was his fault.
She was fighting for her life right now, and it was all his fault.
Josh, though Rick wished that he hadn't had to contend with him right then, was right. It was his fault.
Castle knew that if he'd never dug into Kate's mother's murder years ago, then this chain of events would never have been started. But he had, and it had brought her answers. They were closer to the truth than they'd ever been before, but those revelations had come at how high of a price? Hopefully not the precious life of the woman he'd just admitted that he loved.
Now, he only wanted the chance to be able to tell her again. Sometime. In a different context, though, not one that had her bleeding out in a cemetery, where he was afraid she would perish at any moment. He hoped she could sometime forgive him for doing this to her, for putting her in this situation. For making her fight for her life.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
His chance came some fifteen hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, long after he'd sent his mother home with Alexis, promising to call when he knew something more. She had flatlined during the surgery, but they'd brought her back. When the surgeon had finally come into the waiting room after what had seemed like an eternity, his stomach dropped to the floor and the air whooshed out of his lungs when he'd given them the news in his flat, almost monotone voice. The words sounded as sterile as he imagined the operating room must have been, but still, Rick could only pick out and comprehend certain words.
"...bullet...damage...blood loss..."
"...a fraction of an inch in any direction..."
"...flat-lined..."
"...almost lost her..."
With every word, every phrase the doctor spoke, the images replayed themselves in his mind: images of Kate's body jerking as the bullet hit her body, right before he tackled her, of Kate laying there on the grass bleeding, of her eyes slowly closing even though he was willing her to stay with him with every fiber of his being. He thought of Lanie trying desperately to keep her alive as he ran beside the gurney in the hospital, thought of how haunting it sounded as she ordered Kate not to die. The images replayed themselves in his mind as the doctor continued speaking, until one phrase in particular jumped out at him.
"...she made it through the surgery, and we're cautiously optimistic..."
Upon hearing those words, he felt a rush of emotion deep in his chest and he closed his eyes and raised his face toward the ceiling in relief. But the feelings were too intense, and he knew the feelings that he had were about to become overwhelming. He opened his eyes to find the room blurry and the doctor walking back out. Rick didn't realize then that the room was blurry from the unshed tears that were now collecting in his eyes, the tears of relief being the evidence of the emotion that was bubbling up from deep inside of him, emotion that he could contain no longer. He had to get out for a little while. He clamped his hand on Jim Beckett's shoulder as he, too, watched the surgeon's retreat, hoping that the gesture showed the support and the relief he couldn't seem to put into spoken words right now. Jim looked back at him, his eyes speaking the same volumes, and Rick couldn't stand the look on the older man's face. He had to get out of there. With a brief nod to Jim, he turned and walked out the door to the waiting room, opposite from where the surgeon had exited. And he never noticed the pained and curious looks of Lanie, Esposito or Ryan, as they watched him escape.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Rick burst through the first door to the outside that he could find. He didn't know where he was, but there was no bench, so he sank down against the brick wall. He swiped at his eyes, but they were ineffectual against the flow of moisture that was coming out. So finally, feeling defeated by his own emotions, he gave in to those emotions and let the tears flow unchecked, amidst the occasional disjointed and uncomfortable sob. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried; he was probably a kid. But now, he couldn't stop. So he let himself cry, for Kate; for the regret of her having to go through this, for the love he felt for her, and for the guilt that he felt for doing this to her.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
He didn't know how long he stayed outsided like that; he just knew that when he rose from the ground, his muscles were stiff and his energy was spent. He half walked, half shuffled back inside. He looked to see where he was, and it hardly registered that it didn't really even look familiar. But he saw a restroom, and he made a beeline for it so he could go splash some cold water on his face.
Eventually he came out and walked aimlessly down the corridors. Surprisingly, he found the waiting room again relatively quickly, and he saw Jim Beckett sitting there, staring vacantly at a blank part of the wall. He was the only one in the room.
"Jim."
The hoarse, softly spoken word shattered the silence of the room. Kate's father looked up at him and Rick could tell there were so many thoughts running through his brain that he didn't know where to begin.
"Have you seen her yet?" Rick asked him.
"No. It...it'll still be an hour or two."
"I'm sorry I ran out before," Rick attempted.
"I get it," Jim told him, somehow seeming to know that he just needed to escape from that room for a bit.
Rick took a breath. It had hit him when he walked back into the room how utterly alone the man looked, how thoroughly defeated. And there sat another casualty of what he had done. Kate wasn't the only casualty; her father was feeling a different kind of pain; pain of the heart and of his own memories, pain that could not be fixed by the scalpel of a talented surgeon or wonderful pain-killing medication.
But he needed to say something to the man, even though he know how thoroughly inadequate his words would be. "Jim..." he began, amazed at how his voice sounded as if it belonged to a different person. "I...I'm sorry. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for doing this to Kate, and to you."
The older man turned to look at him, the wonder on his face warring with the look of worried despair that had been there for the last several hours. "Rick, what are you talking about? You didn't sh-" his voice hitched over the word, and he had to take a breath before he could continue, "shoot her."
Rick's eyes closed when he, too, heard that word. No, he didn't shoot her, but right now he felt as though he had. It was amazing, the clarity in which he saw everything now. Even his writer's mind wasn't prepared for the twists and turns of this case. Twists and turns that had already killed, and had almost taken the life of the person who had come to mean so much to him. He had brought this to them. "I started this. I found the connections with your wife's case. I brought those bastards to Kate, and that's why she's laying in there now."
Jim stared at him for a moment before shaking his head slightly. "No, Rick. None of this is on you. You didn't fire that gun. You tried to save her. If you'd been a split second earlier, you might have taken that bullet."
"But I didn't."
"No. Katie wouldn't have wanted you to take a bullet for her. And she won't blame you for this either. I don't. Rick, the only thing you did was try to find justice for Katie and me, for Johanna. You know, I never knew...back twelve, fifteen years ago, if someone had told me that the woman standing in our kitchen in a ratty bathrobe making smiley face pancakes would be the target of a group of high level assassins, I would have thought they were trying some pretty impressive designer hallucinogenics." He paused and looked back up at Rick, and he could feel Jim's eyes boring into his own. "Rick, nobody could have predicted that this thing is as big as it apparently is."
"But if I'd just left it alone-"
"Then do you know what would have happened? Katie would have dug into it again, I know she would have. Maybe not this soon, but she would have eventually. But then there would have been one key difference. Do you know what that is?"
Rick didn't say anything, just briefly gave a shake to his head.
Resolutely, with his words loaded with hidden meaning, Jim told him, "She wouldn't have had you."
"I don't...she doesn't want..." He felt the protest bubbling up from inside of him, because it was second nature, to deny anything was between them, that there were more feelings there than just writer-muse or Detective-tagalong. He didn't even know what he wanted to say with his protest, just that he had to do it.
"You love her."
The words were resolute; they were a statement, with no hint of question in them. Jim knew. Rick didn't know what to say. He'd barely been able to admit it to himself over the last few days, to allow himself to think it. And when he'd said it to Kate before she lost consciousness, the words coming from his mouth had surprised him. He hadn't intended to say it then, but staring at her, injured and bloody, he couldn't stop the words from flowing from his mouth. Because they were the truth. He supposed that some part of him knew in those brief, agonizing seconds that she might never get the chance to hear them again, if he didn't say them right then. And now, it seemed, her father knew about his best-kept secret. What did you say to that?
He tried to go back to the previous part of the conversation, explaining, trying to apologize for what he had done. "If I'd have known what would happen, if I'd have had any idea of what this would come to, I never would have pursued it. Never."
"You love her," Jim said again, obviously not willing to let it drop. "And you tried to help her, to bring some closure to her, to try to begin healing a big wound in her life. Even when this whole thing exploded into so much more than we ever thought it was, you stayed, and you've stood by her. That's commendable. And it shows that love."
"But how can you say that?" Rick protested. "It almost killed her. It still..." he trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to force the end of that sentence from his brain. "I couldn't even stop her when you asked me to."
"Rick, stop it. It was unfair of me to put you in that position." Jim looked down at the floor and wrung his hands together a few times before looking back at Rick. "You're here. That's more than I can say for that huge doctor guy of Katie's. He pushes you, gets into a fight with you, and then leaves? But you're here, Rick. And you look like absolute hell." He let out a hollow-sounding chuckle. "That tells me something. Even if you won't admit it to me yet."
The men sat in silence together for several minutes. Finally, Jim slapped his legs and stood up. Rick looked up at him questioningly. "Rick, I think right now, we need to take a walk and go find some coffee. It's going to be a long night."
"But Kate..." he started, not wanting to leave, thinking that Kate's father shouldn't leave either. "You have to stay here, to go see her when they let you in. I can get the coffee." He should stay here, so he could go in as soon as he was able.
"Kate would tell us to do the same thing. Both of us," he added, with a pointed look toward the author. "They gave me a pager," he said, holding up the small electronic disc. "They'll page me whenever she can have visitors. We'll come back right away. Let's get some coffee, Rick."
Rick had just gotten a small idea of where Kate had gotten some of her will. Silently, he stood and followed Jim Beckett in search of some coffee.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
They found an espresso bar in an alcove off of the main cafeteria, and miraculously, it was open, even given the late hour. The hospital must have figured out that if there was one thing that needed 24 hour access in a hospital, it was a place to get a shot of caffeine.
They refilled their cups before heading back toward the waiting room where they had already spent so many hours. When they were about halfway back, Rick noticed when Jim just...stopped. Turning back toward Jim, Rick saw him bringing the pager out of his pocket, seemingly mesmerized by the flashing lights on the disc. The eyes of the two men met each other across the hallway, but nothing was said. They both felt the impact of those flashing lights as surely as if Kate was calling them herself. And they both turned back toward the direction they had been traveling, their steps hurried, both anxious to get back to the four walls of that waiting room.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
While Jim continued on to the nurse's station, Rick ducked in through the door of the waiting room and collapsed into a chair. He hoped Jim had a good visit with Kate...well, as good as it could be, given the circumstances. He hoped that seeing her relieved some of the abject tension and despair that he'd seen in the man's face while they were all waiting for news of the outcome of her surgery. She was alive. That was what mattered now, he told himself. She was alive. Although it was through no thanks to him.
He leaned forward in the uncomfortable chair and hung his head. He leaned his elbows on his legs and ran his hands through his hair a few times as he tried to get his mind to calm down. Kate was going to be all right. He just had to believe it. She had to live, and she had to be all right so he could somehow find a way to make it right. He didn't know how. But this was his fault, and he would do whatever he could do, whatever it took to ensure that they all made it out of this nightmare without any more people getting hurt. Or worse.
Lost in his musings, he didn't hear the first time his name was called. But when it was called again a little louder, he was jolted into awareness again. He raised his head and looked around, until he found Jim Beckett leaning through the door. "Rick, are you coming?"
He stared at the man. Was he going home? Had he seen Kate already? "How is Kate?" His voice was strained as he asked the question, because asking such an open-ended question implied that it could be answered in any number of ways, and frankly, a lot of those ways scared him.
"I don't know. I haven't gone in there yet. I was waiting for you."
At first, the elder Beckett's words didn't register in Rick's brain. But then they did, and he was confused. Why wouldn't Jim rush in to see his daughter, now that he'd been given the all clear? And Jim was waiting for him? "For what?" he finally asked the man, still confused.
Jim had a stern look on his haggard face and a stern tone to his voice. "Rick, I know you care about my daughter. Very much, even though you won't tell me directly. Your actions speak. And you need to see her. You're still beating yourself up, and you need to see that she's okay, as much as I do. And Rick," he stopped, swallowing hard. "I don't want to do this alone," he continued, shaking his head. "I don't know you that well, but I know that you're important to Katie. She would want you there. So get up and come with me, and," he stopped again, taking a deep breath, as if to steel him for what he was about to do. "Let's go make her get better. Okay?"
Rick was just shy of dumbfounded. Sure, they'd just had that...talk, right before they went to get coffee. But now the man was inviting him to see Kate? To go with him? To be the first people who saw her?
But as much as he felt that he didn't deserve that wonderful gift, as much as it gave him more guilt to even think about following Jim, Rick did just that. He couldn't pass up that gift, to make sure himself that she was alive. To just simply...see her. So Rick followed Jim out of the waiting room and down the hall. When Jim stopped in front of a room, he looked at Rick as he took another deep breath. And then they pushed the door open and very slowly, very tentatively walked inside, both wanting desperately to see Kate, but both, at the same time, almost dreading seeing this version of the woman that was so special to them both.
Hope you enjoyed the first part of this story. We all know Castle is going to blame himself, so I ran with that premise and this is what happened. The whole story shouldn't be any more than 5 chapters. I was actually thinking three or four, but I'm giving myself a little cushion there.
If anyone finds any typos, please let me know. And if you'd be so kind as to leave a review to tell me what you think, you'd make me very happy! Thanks bunches!
