Title: Close to the Chest
Chapter 1: Are you under my spell?
Rating: PG-13?
Warnings: Femslash. Just some kissage in this chapter.
Summary: Buffy and Willow try to figure out how they feel about each other.
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Buffy groaned as the morning light hit her eyes.
"Stupid sun," she mumbled, pulling a pillow over her face.
With the 'beneath you' evil still not showing its face and various, increasingly crazy challenges facing her every day, Buffy found that she really preferred sleeping. The pillow wasn't any help; she knew that once she'd woken up she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep again until she worked herself to the point of exhaustion. Sometimes she would go days without being able to sleep. She had been in this pattern ever since her return from heaven the previous year, but it wasn't getting any easier to live with.
Also not getting any easier to live with: weird dreams. The unnerving dreams of young girls being slaughtered were all but gone now, replaced by even more unnerving dreams starring herself and Willow. At least the message in the morbid death dreams was clear; slay the guys in the hoods. The message in her Willow dreams…well, that was actually a clear message too, but still much more confusing. Not that she hadn't ever thought of Willow in the dreamy way, she had, but it wasn't a risk she had ever felt comfortable taking. Of course, she didn't have Tara anymore…
'No!' Buffy scolded herself mentally. 'Don't think like that. She's still getting over the magicks. And she's still grieving. And what if this – attraction thing turns out to be a phase?' As one half of her mind argued that, the other half was ready with the rebuttal. Her feelings for Willow kept resurfacing from time to time, no matter how often she pushed them back. And Willow wasn't the only girl she'd ever felt attracted to either. She had never really acted on her occasional attractions to women, but Buffy was pretty sure that she was bisexual.
'But there are good reasons not to pursue Willow,' her mind countered. 'Big, important, good reasons. … The grieving … and the magic … and the best friend thing. If she didn't take it well, we might not be able to do the friendship thing anymore.' The other half of her mind, instead of arguing back, decided to drag her even further down. Willow didn't think of Buffy in that way. Even though she was all out-of-the-closet, she had never even made a suggestive comment about Buffy. Buffy couldn't even get the witch to check out her body…and she had tried. If there were even the tiniest sign that Willow might be attracted, Buffy would try something, but there was no indication that she would be well-received.
Buffy hated thinking, and over-thinking, about Willow; it never left her feeling good afterwards. Not much left her feeling good lately. She knew her Willow dreams couldn't be prophecy dreams. Those dead girls were all that waited in her future. The great big gift of the Slayer: death. A variety of deaths, multiple deaths, and massacres…those were the things Buffy had to look forward to.
Her ever downwardly-spiraling thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her bedroom door.
"Come in," Buffy called out as she removed the pillow from her face.
As if the Hellmouth knew exactly what to throw at her, in came Willow. She was already dressed for the day, wearing a long-sleeved purple shirt and faded blue jeans.
"You awake?" asked the redhead softly.
"Actually, I'm making a habit of inviting people into my room while I sleep," Buffy replied with dry sarcasm. "I thought it might give the vamps a fighting chance. I enjoy a challenge."
"I sort of got the point at 'sleep'," Willow pointed out. She leaned against the door and it made a soft click as it shut.
"What's up?" Buffy asked, sitting up and smoothing out the wrinkles in her yellow pajamas. "You're lookin' a little stressed."
"Stressed?" Willow questioned, not sounding very surprised by the observation.
"Actually no," Buffy corrected, re-evaluating her friend's demeanor. "You look a little hand-in-the-cookie-jar," she decided.
"I do not," Willow defended with an indignant pout.
'Stop noticing how cute she is!' Buffy shouted mentally.
"Spill," said the Slayer in a commanding tone.
"Okay. I do have something to tell you," the witch admitted, taking a step further into the room. "But your analogy was way off," Willow insisted. "My hand has definitely not been in the cookie jar. In fact my hand hasn't been anywhere near the cookie jar. I haven't even looked at the cookie jar. Because I respect the cookies and if the cookies don't want me to eat them, then by God I won't eat them."
"Will, I'm still waking up over here," said Buffy, pressing her palms against her eyes. "You're losing me."
"Okay," Willow started again. "Think of it like this. Have you ever looked at someone every day without really seeing them?"
"Still not following you, Will." Buffy stood and stretched her arms toward the ceiling, frowning as she tried to recall where she'd heard those words before.
"There's something I wanna try," said Willow with an air of confession.
"What, like magic?" Buffy asked, now bending to touch her toes.
"With any luck, it will be," Willow quietly replied.
"You sure you're ready for that?" Buffy stretched an arm across her chest, holding it at the elbow.
"I've been giving it a lot of thought," Willow muttered, "and yeah, I think I am," she finished with slightly more confidence. "Like I said, I wanna try this. And if you get freaked out or anything, just tell me."
"You want me to help with your spell?" The Slayer had finished her stretching and was focused once again on the face of her friend. She definitely seemed nervous.
"With the magic," Willow clarified. "I'm really hoping there's gonna be magic. Lots and lots of magic."
"Will, you look scared." Buffy decided it was better to go ahead and point it out. She crossed the room and placed a comforting hand on the witch's shoulder. This seemed to only make Willow more nervous and she stared at the hand as if it were a large spider that had suddenly landed there.
Before Buffy could ask Willow what was wrong, the witch had moved even closer and pressed her lips against those of the Slayer. 'Magic' was definitely one word that shot through Buffy's mind. Another good word was 'fireworks'. After those two had run a few laps around the Buffy-brain, words like 'shock,' 'confusion,' and 'why' started to make their presence known.
'Why is she doing this?' Buffy asked herself as soon as she regained the clarity to string single words into a coherent thought.
"Willow," she tried to ask between kisses, but the redhead's response was to strengthen the intensity of her kissing. And Buffy started kissing back. Her mind was divided, but right now lust was winning the fight. Willow started to move the two of them toward the bed as Buffy's lips parted and their tongues met, pushing against each other in some sort of reversed tug-of-war.
As Buffy's head hit her pillow, rational thought started fighting back. 'Willow doesn't want this,' she attempted to reason with herself. 'There's never been any sign. This – this has to be Hellmouth-y.' Willow started kissing along the Slayer's jaw and Buffy couldn't make her mouth say 'stop.'
"Oh God, Buffy," Willow panted in the blonde girl's ear. "I want you so much." She gently nibbled at Buffy's earlobe, further confusing the Slayer's emotional responses. As Buffy lay there, trying to construct a sensible approach, Willow started kissing and licking her way down Buffy's neck.
The witch was delighted at the way Buffy had kissed her back. For a moment she had been worried that Buffy actually didn't feel what she felt, but then she kissed back. And now she had her mouth on Buffy's neck and it was amazing and she smelled so damn good. She was getting close to the chest area now and she could see that the Slayer was…quivering? …shuddering? …sobbing?
Looking up at Buffy's face, she was alarmed to see tears streaming from her eyes and her lower lip trembling.
"Oh God, Buffy!" Willow cried in shock. "Buffy, I'm sorry." She drew back the hand that had unconsciously drifted to Buffy's abdomen. "I didn't – I thought you–" Her own eyes began to water as she tried to make sense of the scene in front of her. "Oh God, I just tried to rape my best friend."
"Will, calm down," Buffy requested, sitting up and trying to make herself stop crying.
"I mean, it felt like you were kissing back," Willow explained. "That – those didn't feel like stop-raping-me kisses. Either that or I've got a whole lot of rapes to answer for."
"They were good kisses," Buffy told her. "I really enjoyed the kisses. I really, really enjoyed the kisses," she amended.
"Really?" Willow verified. "Y-you're not just saying that?"
"I'm not," Buffy assured her. "You are an amazing kisser."
"Then I don't understand the problem is. I mean, those don't look like happy tears." She watched as Buffy wiped the tears from her cheeks. "Was I going too fast? I-I didn't mean to scare you."
"Willow," Buffy gathered her will-power, "you don't want this."
The words hung heavily in the air for a few seconds.
"Buffy, don't say that," Willow pleaded. "Did you miss the part where I was nibbling on your ear? 'Cause I can do it again." Buffy couldn't help but grin. "Buffy, I've given it a lot of thought and I really do want this. Don't worry that this is just some snap decision o-or a one-morning-stand."
"Will, it's really hard for me to say no to you right now."
"You could always try the whole saying yes thing," Willow suggested. "You do want to…don't you?"
"I-" Buffy looked at her friend fearfully. "Oh God, Willow, I do," she sobbed, tears starting up again. She buried her face in her knees, holding herself defensively.
"Buffy." Willow tried to decide what to do, unsure as to whether a hug would comfort or frighten the Slayer at the moment. Eventually, she moved to Buffy's side and put an arm around her shoulder. "Buffy, I'm trying to understand what the problem is," she offered sympathetically. "I need you to tell me what's wrong."
"You're under a spell," said Buffy, lifting her face at last. "You have to be."
"What?" Willow questioned in complete confusion. "Buffy, no," she responded after catching up with Buffy's train of thought. "I'm not under a spell. …And, okay, I'd probably say that even if I was under a spell, but I'm still not."
"Will, please don't push this," begged Buffy, shrugging out from under Willow's arm and getting off of the bed.
"Ooh!" exclaimed Willow. "I think I know what it is."
"Really?" Buffy questioned, spinning around to face her friend again. Would Willow still think rationally while under the thrall of some unknown love spell?
"Maybe you're wearing a cursed jacket," Willow suggested. Buffy looked down at herself once, indicating her complete lack of jacket. "Or cursed pajamas," Willow added. "You should take all your clothes off, just to be sure," the witch finished, grinning coyly.
"Okay, that one was worthy of Xander," Buffy pointed out, unable to keep from grinning.
"Yeah," Willow admitted. "I'm sorry about that," said the witch, still smiling and not looking quite as sorry as her words suggested. "But Buffy, I'm trying to tell you that I wanna be with you. And if you wanna do the dating thing first, we can. I just figured, since we're best friends and all, it's kinda like we've already been dating for six years – well, sort of. I think I lost my point somewhere in there." Willow paused and recollected her thoughts; Buffy waited in silence.
"Buffy, I want us to try this," she said with a deep level of sincerity. "Why is that so hard for you to believe?"
"Because it feels like this came out of nowhere, Will," Buffy answered, fighting to maintain an even tone. "You've never even been a little bit interested in me – in that way. I've never seen this from you – and believe me, I've looked for it."
"Really?" Willow asked with wide eyes. "I know I've played it pretty close to the chest, but you really never noticed anything?" Buffy looked back at her blankly. "Wow, I'm good," the redhead said with a smug smile. "Which is really bad right now," she added, changing almost immediately to a frown. "Buffy, listen to me. Have I been acting like someone who's under a love spell?"
"A little," Buffy replied.
"I have?" A look of surprise crossed the witch's face.
"Yeah," said Buffy sadly. "Like when you came in here. What you said about looking at someone and not seeing them. That's almost exactly what I said to Xander when he did that love spell in high school."
"Oh," said Willow, looking concerned. "But – but that looking and seeing thing didn't happen today. That was – well, the first time was about four years ago, but you didn't seem interested so I didn't do anything about it," babbled the redhead. "But more recently – it was the day we meditated together. After I got back, do you remember? I-I thought I felt it from you then. The attraction," she clarified. "And so I started looking for it and I was pretty sure I saw it and then I came into your room and started kissing you and you started kissing back and I was so happy and then you started crying and-" Willow took a deep breath. "Well, I guess you were kinda there for that part. And here we are now," she finished softly.
"Will, I'd really like to believe you."
"So believe me," the redhead insisted before Buffy could say anything else. "Buffy, I l-"
"Don't!" the Slayer pleaded. "Willow, please don't say it."
"Buffy, I've said it before," Willow pointed out.
"But not the way you're about to say it now," Buffy countered. "I don't want you to say it that way and then have to take it back. I can't deal with that," said the Slayer flatly.
"What do I need to do?" Willow asked quietly. "What do I need to do to prove to you that this is real?"
"Let me do an anti-love spell," answered the blonde. "Or an un-love spell or reverse-love spell."
"Counter spell," the Witch supplied helpfully.
"Yeah, that."
"Okay," Willow agreed readily. "I'll go get you the book."
