** SURGEONS GENERALS WARNING ** This is a HUMOR Fic. If you do not have a sense of humor, do not read this. Reading this Fic WILL cause a major drop in your I.Q.. You can and will turn into a sticky puddle of crap due to the bad grammar and spelling. People who are pregnant, have a bad back, or an occasional and sharp pain in the nuts should read this Fic. Enjoy :-P
** Proofreader's Note ** ThIs FiC
vErY bAd FoR yOu. YoU No ReAd It. Me Go To
HaPpY pLaCe WhErE mE gEt BeTtEr AfTeR fIxInG bAd FiC.
bYe NoW... ^_^"""
Shinji the Bachelor
By: OmegaDoom
Edited by: EVA-01 Beta>
... A year has passed since the final Angel
was destroyed and all is well. (Let's just pretend for a
moment that Third Impact never happened and that SEELE's invasion never
took place) However, the
corporation of NERV has become desperately low on funds. To keep
the EVA research in progress,
NERV is forced to begin manufacturing a large supply of Pokemon toys.
One day, while NERV was
facing a difficult crisis, Commander Ikari had the brilliant idea of
turning Terminal Dogma into a large
T.V. studio. His plan was to create a reality T.V. series to help support
NERV. This is where our story
begins...
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A loud flashing alarm fills the Command Center. Bridge
Bunny (take your pick) announced, "We
have a Class 4 Emergency!"
"What do the MAGI say?" questioned Major Katsuragi.
"Pattern Plaid with Purple Poka Dots confirmed!"
"Dammit! Not again!" Misato bitched.
"Initiate standard backup procedures!" Ritsuko yelled.
B.B. replied, "No response. We have a major jam in the system!"
Commander Ikari stood up from behind his desk and in a stern voice he yelled, "Deploy Unit-01."
"Yes sir," replied Misato. Unit-01 was launched and
ran quickly towards the source of the
problem. "Shinji, you must unjam the system or NERV is finished!"
Suddenly a loud, booming voice is heard from above,
the type of voice that you hear at the end of
most sci-fi films, and spoke, "Thirty seconds until total destruction."
in a panic-inducingly calm tone.
"Shinji, hurry up dammit!" Misato yelled.
Shinji whispered, "I mustn't run away... I mustn't run AWAY!"
"Twenty seconds until total destruction."
Shinji, in near nosebleed-level panic mode,
ran all the way to the back of a large building labeled
'NERV Toy Factory'.
"Fifteen seconds until total destruction."
Shinji was now standing next to a large drop-off hole in the side of the factory.
"Shinji, I'm sending you your tool," Misato yelled.
As she spoke, a giant weapons case appeared
near Shinji. He opened the case to reveal a giant plunger.
From one of the dark corners in the back of Central
Dogma, Kaji just pops out of nowhere and
points out, "And here, I thought a man always had his tool..."
Reaching deep into the farthest reaches of the recently
discovered alternate dimension known as
"Hammerspace", Misato draws from seemingly 'thin air' a rather sharp
and bloody butcher's cleaver and
points it straight at the womanizer's crotch. Easily catching the drift
of his girlfriend's 'subtle' hint, Ryoji
Kaji set new land speed records out of the Command Center.
Meanwhile..
"Five seconds until total destruction."
"Begin Plungering Sequence," yelled the Commander.
Shinji took the plunger and pressed it on the large
hole in the side of the building and began to fix
the jam. Shinji, with a final desperate yank, succeeded and all of
the Pokemon toys became unjammed and
fell out into the supply trucks.
"Thank God." Misato mumbled as she signed from the
released tension, "If that system blew,
NERV would be out of business". Misato rewarded herself with
a six-pack of Yubisu.
Twenty minutes later, Commander Ikari's voice is
heard over the intercom, "All NERV personnel,
report to Terminal Dogma immediately."
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Everyone walks into Terminal Dogma only to find a
dark room with Commander Ikari sitting
behind a desk in the 'Commander' position (hands folded neatly in front
of his face).
"I've called you all here to discuss the future operations
of NERV," the emotionless Commander
grumbles as he flicks on the lights without moving his hands (God only
knows what goes on behind those
desks).
The lights turn on to reveal a perfect T.V. stage
designed to look like a living room of some sort.
There were hundreds of cameras and lights everywhere. Everyone stood
in shock and sheer terror as they
looked upon the stage. All were too scared to ask what the Hell was
going on until Kaji summoned
enough balls to ask the Commander, "What the Hell is all this
for?"
The Commander stood up out of his chair, hands still
folded across his face. The unholy bastard
waits a moment before responding, "We shall gain funds by airing a
reality T.V. series."
"What kind of series?" Asuka asked.
Vice Commander Fuyutski appears from under the desk
Commander Ikari was sitting behind,
wiping something off his face (Oh, dear God, I don't even want to think
about it... However, that would
explain a lot of things...). "You are all familiar with the American
show The Bachelor, yes?"
Oh, sweet Jesus tap-dancing Christ, no!> the half-drunken Major Katsuragi thought.
"We shall have 4 selected volunteers, all women,
of course, to try and gain the love of a mystery
bachelor who we will reveal tomorrow." Kaji smiled at the thought,
assuming that he would be the
selected bachelor. Asuka also believed that Kaji would be chosen, so
she initiated standard Annoying
Bitching Procedure #3. "Commander, I have to be on the show!
Please let me be on it! Please, please,
please, please, pleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE!!!"
The annoyed Commander caved in to her demands and
decided to give Asuka a spot on the show.
"Very well," Ikari said in a emotionless tone.
With these words, Asuka ran over to Kaji, groping
him all over the place. Kaji didn't seem to mind
much.
However, Misato's rage and jealously were rapidly
building. In order to not show her love for
Kaji, she immediately reached into her jacket and pulled out her emergency
can of Yubisu.
"Commander Fuyutski," Ikari commanded, "retrieve the list."
The Vice Commander reached under the desk (OK, what
the Hell is up with this damn desk?!) and
pulled out a clipboard. "These are the selected "volunteers"
to play the roles of the bachelorettes:"
Fuyutski announced quite loudly "Asuka Langley-Soryu, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi,
Major Misato Katsuragi
(almost spitting out her beer at the mention of her name), and Rei
Ayanami".
"Uh, Commander, don't you remember? Rei #3 died in
that tragic meatball experiment..." Ritsuko
reminded.
"Irrelevant," Ikari yelled. He looked at a large
red button up against the side of the wall labeled
'Rei dispenser' with a 50-cent coin slot under the button. Ikari walked
up to the button, deposited 50 cents
into the machine while covering his face with his hands, and, with
his hands still across his mouth, he
pushed the button with his head while saying, "Begin Rei-Cloning Sequence."
A large glass tube drops down from the ceiling and
spits out Rei #4. "Problem solved," said the
pleased Commander, "We will commence Filming Sequence tomorrow. Dismissed."
As everyone was leaving, the Commander was not finished.
"Shinji, we must talk." Shinji, who
has been standing quietly the entire time, jumped at the very mention
of his name and went into near
shock when he heard that his father wanted to speak with him.
Shinji walked slowly towards the
Commander, "You called F-father.." Commander Ikari glared down
at his son as if he were a disobedient
dog and with his hands still folded across his face he began.
"Shinji," Gendo Ikari said, "you have been chosen
to be the bachelor." Shinji stood motionless for
about thirty seconds, then fell completely over on his face, resulting
in an extreme nosebleed. "You shall
arrive one hour before the others tomorrow," said Ikari as he walked
off with Shinji still lying on the floor.
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Around 7:40 pm, Shinji finally arrived at home, muttering
'I mustn't run away' about a thousand
times. As he walked through the door, he was greeted by an enraged
Asuka. "Where the Hell have you
been, you worthless piece of crap?! I've been alone with Misato for
3 hours! And do you know what I had
to put up with?! I...
Twenty minutes later......
... and do you have ANY idea what I had to eat for DINNER?!"
Shinji looked behind Asuka to find a half-dead PenPen
and Misato, completely drunk, yelling at
the T.V., which was NOT ON. "You had the "Misato special" didn't you?"
(For those of you who don't know, the "Misato special"
is instant curry mixed with half the
specified amount of water and stirred until it forms a sludge.
Misato thinks it's 'Yummy to the max!', but
it's something that nature did not intend to have brought upon this
world. Let me put it this way: Second
Impact would be a blissful death compared to eating this God-awful
sludge.)
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The next morning, Shinji awoke to the unholy bitching
sound of that is the very definition of
Asuka. "SSSSSSSHHHHHHHIIIIIINNNNNNNNJJJJJIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get
your lazy ass outta' bed!
Today is the first day of filming. and I get to be on T.V. with KKAAAAAAJJII.
I just KNOW he'll pick
me to marry him! Then I'll..."
"Whip out your strap-on and give it to him anally?" responded Shinji.
Asuka, rendered speechless, responded by attacking
Shinji with a deadly combo: SLAP, PUNCH,
KICK, SCRATCH, MEOW, and a possible WOOF. Shinji didn't remember
much after that... Misato, the
night before, had consumed enough alcohol to kill a small whale, and
enough instant curry to ALMOST
turn Commander Ikari human. Breakfast was like always: Shinji
cooked, Misato drank, and Asuka
bitched.
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A few hours later at NERV, everyone was busy beginning
preparations for the show. Shinji
arrived at NERV panicking like always and listing to the "I like big
butts" song on Track #27 of his
SDAT. He was walking towards the elevator when he saw Rei enter said
elevator. Seeing as how Shinji
always had a thing for Rei, he decided to play it cool with her and
try to get Rei to like him before the
show. Shinji walked over to Rei real ghetto style, looking like a drunken
clown. "Hi, Rei..." a nervous
Shinji spoke, "It's exciting that you're going to be on the T.V. show."
Rei just turned and looked at Shinji
with no expression on her face what-so-ever. "... So, what kind
of things will you do with the bachelor
when you have to go on the date with him?" the boy asked, hoping to
get a favorable response.
"I will only do what I am ordered to," replied Rei.
Shinji didn't know whether to take that as a good
thing or a bad one.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Terminal Dogma, the maintenance guys, or, at this
point, 'stage crew', were busy making the
final preparations on the set. Commander Ikari watched from above,
sitting again behind his desk in the
'Commander' position (Damn, that desk really gets around!). Bastard
Ikari watched over his crew like
Satan would watch his victims roast over an open flame. "Your son has
arrived," said Fuyutski, his voice
resonating from the walls of the desk that encased him under it.
"Good, prepare him for the show at once," ordered
Ikari.
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Shinji was the first cast member to arrive. He was
nervous to the point where he nearly craped his
pants. "Shinji, proceed to dressing room #5 and begin Clothing Sequence,"
the Commander ordered.
"Y-yes, Father," Shinji moaned.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, the bachelorettes were lounging around
in the break room, complaining about the
show.
"I swear, I'm not even kissing him!" yelled Misato.
"If I even have to sleep in the same room as Kaji,
I swear to God, I will rip off his nuts and shove
them down Bastard Ikari's throat!" Ritsuko screamed.
Asuka smiled and said, "Well, it's good to know that I'll have Kaji all to myself..."
"You can have that jerkoff," said a pissed-off Misato,
"and what makes you think Kaji will want to
marry a bitchy little redheaded 15 year-old anyway?"
"Oh yeah? Well, you're just jealous because you can't
MEASURE up, you cheap whore!"
screamed Asuka.
"Why don't you go P.M.S. somewhere else, Asuka?" Misato replied.
"What did you just say?!" Asuka's eyebrow twitching.
Ritsuko jumped in, "Well, it's obvious that you still have feelings for Kaji, Misato."
"What was that?"
"Well, seeing as how you keep getting pissed off
at Asuka, I can only assume that you still have
feelings for him," Dr. Akagi quickly responded. Misato, in a rage,
slaps Ritsuko across the face, leaving a
red hand print.
"Why, you bitch!" Ritsuko slaps Misato back.
Asuka speaks, "God, I hope when I'm as old as you,
I'm not that desperate to get a man..."
Instantly, Misato and Ritsuko both slap Asuka. "Oh, it's on now!"
Asuka roared. The three immediately
went into an all-out bitchslap fest: Ritsuko slaps Asuka, Misato slaps
Ritsuko, Asuka steps on Misato's
foot, then does a super bitch uppercut. Misato's rage hits its Limit
Break. She does an immediate backflip
to escape the brawl and starts powering up like she was in a DBZ episode.
She slowly yells, "SUPER
ULTRA KING KAMAYAMAYA BITCHSLAP!!!!!!" Misato's right hand travels
at a speed of Mach 3,
slapping Asuka, Ritsuko, and herself at the same time rendering them
all unconscious for a brief moment.
A very annoyed Rei, who had born witness to the whole
event, walked towards the motionless
bodies and said, "It is time to leave. They are waiting for us."
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Ten minutes later, the bachelorettes are in the dressing
rooms, all putting on their dresses for the
show: Misato is wearing a long purple dress with a cut down the middle
of her chest; Asuka goes with a
red miniskirt; Ritsuko wears go-go boots, a leather skirt, and a sheer
shirt; and Rei chooses to wear... uh,
yeah.... ok... her school uniform.
"Three minutes 'til showtime," a stage techie yells.
The four bachelorettes walk onto stage and sit
on a large couch in the middle of the stage. "I can't believe that
I've been degraded to a cheap stage
whore," Misato complains.
"Well, I think this is fun! I really want to look my best for Ka..."
"You don't even want to finish that sentence," Misato cut Asuka off.
"Hey, Rei, what do you think about this whole ordeal?" Ritsuko asked.
In a plain voice, Rei replies, "the Commander decides how I feel for me."
Misato, Asuka, and Ritsuko move as one to the far end of the couch.
"One minute left 'til showtime."
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It's been a while since we heard from Shinji, so let's check up on him, shall we...
Shinji, for the past twenty minutes, has been backstage,
panicking like Hell. (Oh, by the way,
Shinji is wearing a tux, but we all probably guessed that...) The backstage
area was nothing too
impressive: There were a bunch of lights and cameras scattered about,
but nothing too ornate. Shinji paced
in a circle for what seemed like hours, having a serious nosebleed.
"My God," Shinji said to himself, "I
can't do this! I mustn't run away! Somebody! Please help me!!" Shinji
falls to the floor, lying in a fetal
position, sucking his thumb. From out of nowhere, Commander Ikari walks
towards Shinji. With hands
STILL across his face, he stands over the crying Shinji and begins
to talk with him.
"Shinji," the emotionless Commander spoke, "why are you crying?"
"I'm scared, Father! Why do I have to be the bachelor?"
"Because there is no one else," replied Ikari.
"BULLSHIT," yelled the younger Ikari, "What about Kaji?! He's a lot better looking then me!"
"Because you will bring in the best ratings. Now
give me your arm, Son." Shinji was so
incredibility surprised that is own Hellish bastard of a father called
him son that he did exactly what his
father asked and gave him his arm. "This should help with the show..."
said Ikari, "Begin Drugging
Sequence."
The Commander reached into his pocket and pulled
out a siring with about 30 mg of heroin and
injected it into his son, the weird thing being that at NO TIME WHAT-SO-EVER
did Ikari's hands leave
his face...
"You damn asshole," screamed Shinji, "I'm gonna rip
off your balls and f...u.........c........ Man, my
hands are big..." said the now very high Shinji.
Gendo just smiled from behind his hands and walked
off.
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"Showtime in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... go!" said the
stage manager. The lights go on, the cameras roll,
the music starts, and it's showtime. A platform rises from the middle
of the stage with our host Aoba
wearing an electronic tux with lights in the sleeves and collar.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Bachelor!"
said the excited host, "Over the next 3 weeks,
we will have our mystery bachelor, who we will reveal in just a few
moments, engage in many romantic
activities with these 4 lovely ladies. At the end of the 3 weeks, our
bachelor will pick one of our
bachelorettes to become his bride. Now, let's meet our bachelorettes!"
The camera zooms in on Misato, "This is Misato Katsuragi;
she enjoys beer in the morning, beer in
the evening, and beer at supper time. Her turn-ons include getting
drunk and throwing up at cheap
nightclubs!
"Next is Ritsuko Akagi; she enjoys playing with her
cats, if ya' know what I mean! Her turn-ons
include cats and sticking long rods into her mother's brains.
"Then, there's little Miss Asuka Langley-Soryu; she
likes older men, abusing her male roommate,
and 'P.M.S.'ing all the time.
"Our last bachelorette is Rei Ayanami; she likes... well.... Commander Ikari, I guess..."
"Well, anyway, it's time to..."
"Don't forget me!!" a familiar voice is heard from
nowhere. Suddenly, a black hole appears in the
middle of the stage and out comes Kaoru ( Oh, God, NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!)!
As though a single being, everyone plugs up their ass with their thumb.
"Hi! I'm Kaoru Nagisa! I like
hairy men and...~CENSORED~ ( you really don't want to hear the rest.
Trust me. )"
"UUHHH... We'll be back after a word from our sponsor, Tampex..."
Ikari stands up and yells at Kaoru, "What is the meaning of this?!"
"I want to be a bachelorette, too!" Kaoru whined.
Ikari thought for moment and decided that it would
bring in more ratings. "Very well. Proceed."
decreed the Commander, "Resume Bacheloring Sequence."
"Ok! We're back," announces Aoba, "Now that we've
met all of our lovely ladies and...... thing,
let's meet our bachelor!" Asuka becomes very excited as she prepares
to meet the MAN of her dreams. A
curtain rises from behind the couch to reveal an extremely high Shinji.
"WWWWWAAAAHHHHHTTTTT TTTTTHHHHHEEEEE HHHHHEEEEELLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
yelled Asuka.
"Hey, it's not Kaji, after all," a pleased Ritsuko said.
"Thank you, sweet Jesus!!!!!!" exclaimed Misato ( however, inside she was going off like an A-bomb ).
"...," replied Rei.
The high Shinji took a long look at all the bachelorettes
in their dresses and he... Well, let's just say
Shinji was another victim of thermal expansion... All the bachelorettes
immediately fell face forward
except for an emotionless Rei and a very happy Kaoru.
Aoba starts back up again, "All right, it's time
to choose our first victim... Er... Ah... 'Bachelorette'
to go on a romantic night out with our stunning bachelor." The
camera pans to Shinji, who is feasting on
a pile of chips on a table outside the stage. "Well, he really
has the munchies, doesn't he?" said Aoba,
"Now, to choose our first bachelorette, we will use what we call the
wheel of destiny..." A stage techie
rolls out a giant spinning wheel with pictures of everyone's face on
it. Aoba spins the wheel and it lands
on Misato. Ah, holy fucking shit!> Misato thinks to herself as
Commander Ikari is heard letting loose an
evil laugh.
"Well, for your first date, Shinji," announces Aoba,
"you and Misato will go on a lovely night on
the town, complete with dancing and a romantic moonlit boat ride. Now
how does that sound?"
The high-as-a-kite Shinji responds, "Aliens with corn feet will lick my balls."
"Oh, perfect! My date is totally baked and I'm all
out of beer," complains Misato.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A few moments later, the two are sent out on their
perfect night of romance with cameras
following their every move. Before Shinji and Misato get into their
limo, Commander Ikari pops out from
behind a nearby trash can and injects Shinji with more heroin.
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Their first stop was to a fancy restaurant for an
elegant dinner. When they were seated at their
table, Misato was ordered to engage in a conversation with her stoned
date.
"So, tell me about yourself; What kind of things
do you like to do?" the bored Misato read off a
3x5 index card.
"PORN and CHICKEN!!!" Shinji said so loud the entire
restaurant could hear. When the water
came, Shinji asked for something called 'fried frog corn meat', and
Misato ordered 30 bottles of Jack
Daniels.
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An hour later, Misato is now drunk off her ass and
the effects of the heroin are now gone, so Shinji
is now back to normal. Shinji wakes up from a nice nap he had in his
salad bowl, "Ah, man... Where the
Hell am I? I don't remember any of... OH, MY SWEET MOTHER! Misato!!
What are you doing?!?!?!"
The drunken Misato is now dancing TOPLESS on the
table. "Misato, put your clothes on! We have to get
out of here!!" The two get into the limo and journey onward to
their final activity: A two-hour boat ride. Misato
and Shinji get on a lovely river boat and set sail for the night.
The rest of the date was nothing too impressive.
Misato spent the whole time drinking and
throwing up, while Shinji sat in a corner, thinking about Misato's
huge knockers. "My Precious... We need
our Precious..." Shinji says to himself (Like he was that 'Gollum'
from the Lord of the Rings).
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The next morning, Misato woke up with the hangover
from Hell. Shinji spent the whole night worrying
about the dates yet to come. However, his worst fear was what was going
to happen to him when he has
to go on the date with Kaoru (I don't even want to think about it...
The horror... THE HORROR!!!!!).
At breakfast, Asuka was being extremely annoying
in trying to figure out how that date went,
"So, Misato, what did you and Shinji do last night?"
"Ya' know, I don't remember... All I know is that I woke up feeling like crap," responded Misato.
Shinji was pleased to find out that none of them
would find out what happened. "Well, that's too
bad," said Asuka, "Well, I guess I can wait until I see the tape."
Shinji, who had forgotten that cameras were constantly
watching them, immediately fell completely
over, face forward. What kind of things will they say at school?!>
Shinji thought to himself.
"Man, my head really hurts," complained Misato, "Shinji,
get me a beer, will ya'?"
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A few hours later, everyone was back at NERV, preparing
for the show. Shinji was busy hiding in
a closet from his father, who probably wanted to inject him with more
heroin. A few minutes later, Shinji
escaped out from the closet and headed for the stage. However,
on his way to the stage, Shinji was
ambushed by the horrid sound of Kaoru. "Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiinnnnjjjjjjjiiiiiiii...
Where arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre
yyyyyooooouuuuuu?"
"No!!!!!" screamed Shinji, "I must run away! I must
run away!! I must run away!!!" Shinji came to
a dead end and was forced into one taking one of three options: enter
the women's dressing room, run up
the stars to his father (who will probably inject him with more drugs),
or face the evil that is otherwise
known as Kaoru. With the Gay One quickly gaining on him, Shinji chose
the lesser of the evils. He runs
through the dressing room to find Asuka and Ritsuko, both in their
underwear.
"SHINJI!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" yelled Asuka.
"I was trying to..."
"HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!" screamed Ritsuko.
"No, no! You don't understand! K..."
"I don't need to understand! Now get out!!!" orders
Asuka. Both Asuka and Ritsuko kick Shinji
out the door. Shinji pauses for a moment to check for Kaoru. The coast
is clear and Shinji heads for the
stage.
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The music starts, Aoba comes on to the scene, and
it's time to start. "Welcome back to another
exciting episode of The Bachelor. So, let's find out how our two lovebirds
did on their first date..."
"So Misato," asks Aoba, "what was your first impression of Shinji?"
"Well, he was, uh, very nice and, uh, umm, generous..."
said Misato, quickly trying to think up a
better excuse than 'I plain just don't remember'.
Aoba asks Shinji the same question. "Well I had a great night. It was really entertaining".
"Well let's show a clip from last night, then, shall
we?" A large screen drops down from the
ceiling.
Shinji begins to pray to God to not let them show
certain parts of their date. The clip rolls and
immediately everyone is staring at a high Shinji throwing his fried
frog corn meat at the waiter and Misato
going into the bathroom with the camera man. Well, that would explain
a lot of things...> Misato
thought. The bachelorettes, who were backstage, witnessed the clip
and immediately began to break out
laughing.
"OK! Now, let's bring out our bachelorettes, 'cause
it's time to choose who will be the next lucky
woman to date this very eligible bachelor!" The bachelorettes
all walk onto the stage and sit down on the
couch. "All right, now to select our next bachelorette, we will let
the bachelor decide." Shinji nearly threw
up then and there due to the pressure.
Shinji looks at all the bachelorettes carefully;
they all have the Look of Death in their eyes... except
for a nearly lifeless Rei and a very happy Kaoru. It didn't take long
for Shinji to make his decision. "I
choose Rei," announces Shinji.
The Commander looks down at his son and laughs as
if he already knows the outcome of their
date.
Rei stands up and stares right through Shinji.
Kaoru goes backstage and cries.
"Alright! For your date, you two will spend a romantic
night together in the lovely Holiday Inn,
complete with swimming in their 1 & 1/2 star swimming pool and
the chance to enjoy their great room
service meals."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rei and Shinji get into their limo and depart for
their exciting and romantic night. In the limo,
Shinji attempts to engage Rei in a conversation. "So, Rei, lovely night,
huh?"
"...........," Replies Rei.
"So, what type of things would you like to DO tonight?"
Rei turns around and slaps Shinji across
his face. "What was that for?!" cried Shinji.
"I will not," said Rei.
"Excuse me?" asked Shinji.
"I will not engage in any sexual activity with you, Shinji."
"What makes you think that I want......SLAP!
"Why do you ke... SLAP.
"Will you at least explain to me why you keep hitting me?" asked Shinji.
"I was ordered by the Commander to make this night
a living Hell for you. I must obey my
Commander." Shinji sunk back into the seat and prayed to God
that nothing too embarrassing would
happen to him.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the limo pulled up to the hotel, Shinji and Rei
were greeted by their guide/butler for the
evening: a 44 year-old fat guy with his gut hanging out 3 feet over
his pants by the name of Bubba. "Da...,
welcome ta' da' Holiday Inn. Let me escort ya' ta' yer rooms fer yer
night a' romance." Rei looked at poor
Shinji with the Glare of Satan.
When they arrived at their room, Bubba gave them
5 minuets until their romantic night swim. The
two quickly got into their swimsuits: Rei, wearing a black one-piece
and Shinji, wearing blue trunks and a
rubber-duck floaty that he named Ralph. "Let us go, we are late." ordered
Rei.
Shinji sighed and replied, "Alright..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They both sat by the pool, Rei looking like the spawn
of the Devil, and Shinji..., well..., like Shinji,
I guess. Across the street was parked a NERV black van with NERV personnel
watching their every
move. "This is getting sad..." said one of the NERV guys.
"Call the Commander!" orders the leader of the pack.
"What is the problem?" the Commander asked.
"Sir, your son is desperately short on balls at the moment! He's not making any passes!"
Commander Ikari quickly thought of a solution. "Initiate
Drugging Sequence!" Two seconds after
Ikari gave the order, 2 pigmies jumped out of the van, loaded 2 darts
into their blowguns, and shot Shinji
in the back of the neck. It did not take long for the drugs to take
effect. Shinji's pussiness was soon
replaced with more testosterone then the Fifth Fleet. He became a raging
horny wild freak, running around
with the Erection from Hell.
"What are you doing, Shinji?!" Rei questioned, sounding like HAL from '2001'.
"Me real big and horny! Me go rape tree now!" Shinji
ran over to the nearest tree and began to
rape the bark off it.
Soon, Rei received a phone call from the Commander.
"Rei," the demon Ikari spoke, "I want you
to do whatever it takes to get great ratings for this show. This is
an order."
"Yes, sir. I understand." replied Rei. She walked
over to the crazed Shinji and spoke as softly as
she could, "Hey there, big boy, want to have a little fun?"
Shinji stared happily as Rei lifted her...
### WHHHHOOOOOOWWWW!!!!! Hold on for a sec! What
the Hell is going on?! This is
NOT a freakin' lemon here! What am I smokin'?! I know! Let's
do this again...
[Omega glares down at his Magical Keyboard
of Creation and stares at the button that reads
"Emergency FIC reversal button-thingie". Omega remembers Commander
Ikari as he folds his hands
across his face and hits the button with his forehead. Omega head hits
the button with enough force to
cause 110 P.S.I. of pressure to his skull (which, surprisingly enough,
is entirely intact), creating a
permanent indentation in his forehead.]
"Let's return to the fic, shall we?"###
Rei walked over to Shinji, raised her right hand,
and connected with Shinji's neck, rendering him
unconscious. Rei dragged her date back up to the room with what was
now a SMALL bulge in his pants...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An hour later, the heroin has worn off and Shinji,
to his surprise, is now fully dressed in a tux.
(keep in mind here, people, that we are using really weak heroin.)
As the two leave the room, they are
greeted by our good buddy, Bubba. "Da..., Please falla' me fer yer
romantic dimmer..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They arrive at the fancy '-3/4 star' restaurant, take their seats, and are given the menu.
"Uh, Rei, I'm really sorry for the way I've been acting...," muttered Shinji.
"..........," replied Rei firmly.
When the waiter arrived, Shinji ordered a 'BLT',
but trying hard to make a good impression on Rei
(and remembering that she is a vegetarian), he quickly changed his
order to an 'LT'. Rei ordered a Caesar
salad. There was complete silence the whole time they ate. Rei reached
into her back pocket and pulled
out several 3x5 cards and attempted to ask Shinji the questions that
were on them, as ordered by the
Commander. "What are your views of the perfect women?" asked Rei.
Shinji immediately froze up, "Well, I guess she'd have to have..."
"What are your hobbies?" Rei interrupted.
Her target was now in a nervous panic, "Well, I like, uh, to play songs on my, uh,"
"Enough," commanded Rei, "It is time to dance."
"Dance?! But I don't know how to dance!" shrieked Shinji.
Rei just sat up, grabbed his arm, and headed for
the dance floor. Not one of them knew how to
dance. They just stood there.
### "Ok, people, this is pathetic!!" Omega quickly
starts to type random keys on his Keyboard,
causing a black hole to form.###
The two pigmies pop out of the black hole and use
their blowguns to launch two more darts of
heroin into Shinji's ass. Shinji stood there for about a minute or
two, then he ran over to the
'all-you-can-eat' seafood buffet, where he saw the large bucket of
steamed oysters. Shinji began to throw
the oysters as though they were throwing stars.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Now I am the ruler of ALL your
hamsters!!!!" Shinji declared
maniacally.
Rei just stood there, staring down Shinji.
Suddenly, all the chefs and staff members rushed
the buffet table, trying to stop the oyster-throwing
menace, but is was no use: they were all knocked senseless. It was
like D-Day with seafood. Suddenly,
Shinji threw an oyster at a speed that would later be clocked at approximately
90 M.P.H., and it was
heading straight for Bubba.
### "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT BUBBA!!!!!!!!!!!!"
In an act of desperation, Omega punches on the Keyboard,
making yet another black hole
appear. ###
A Secret Service agent lunges out and hurls himself
at Bubba, but it was an exercise in futility: the
oyster grazed his arm, and hit Bubba square in the face, killing him
on contact.
### "Bubba!!! NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!! ..... Oh well... ###
A very pissed-off Rei walked over to the Shinji,
grabbed a skillet, and whacked him upside the face.
The sound of metal hitting skull could be heard of miles around...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next day, Shinji woke up in his own bed, wondering
how the Hell he'd got there. He couldn't
remember a thing that happened on his date with Rei. At the breakfast
table, Shinji was given the 'silent
treatment' as both Misato and Asuka sat there, hating Shinji's guts
about Misato's date and Asuka's yet to
come...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back at the wonderful happy land of NERV, all the remaining bachelorettes were in a fit of rage.
"If I so much as have to hold his scrawny little
hand, I will personally rip Ikari's head off," yelled
Asuka.
"Well, I don't think it'll be THAT bad.... Oh, who
am I kidding?! Every date's been a disaster,"
complained Ritsuko.
"Yeah? Well, I can't wait for my date with my dearest
Shin-chan!!" an vomit-inducingly
feminine-sounding masculine voice is heard as Karou popped out of a
black hole.
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ritsuko and Asuka scream.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blah, Blah, Blah... Stuff happens..... and twenty minutes later, everyone is on-stage.
"Five minutes 'til showtime!" a techie yells.
"May I have you attention," a satanic voice is heard
from above, "Today, I want everyone to act as
slutty as possible," ordered the Commander.
At this point, the remaining bachelorettes are cowering
in fear..., except for Kaoru, who shouts a
very excited "OK!!".
"Commence Sluttiness Sequence!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two minutes later, Shinji arrived on the set and was ready to start the show.
"Commence Bacheloring Sequence!" ordered Ikari.
Shinji walked over to his spot on the set and hunkered
down in fear of his next 'date'. The lights go
on, the music starts, and Aoba comes on the scene. "Welcome to The
Bachelor. Let's see how our Shinji
did on his date with Rei!"
The large screen drops down to show Shinji killing
Bubba and Rei smacking Shinji with a skillet.
Everyone was silent for a few seconds, then broke out laughing hysterically.
Even the Commander smiled
an evil little smile.
"All right... Now it's time to choose who Shinji
will go out with next!" A stage techie rolls out a
slot machine as Aoba explains, "This is how it works, Shinji: you'll
pull the lever 3 times and the one
whose face appears the most will be your next exciting date!" Shinji
walked up to the machine and, with a
large sigh, pulled the lever. The wheels spin and it's:
......
Ritsuko,
......
Asuka,
......
and
......
Barbara Streisand! (NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!)
The next roll is:
......
Kaoru,
......
Asuka,
......
and
......
an orange.
The final roll is:
......
a lemon,
......
a lucky '7',
......
and
...........
Kaoru.
"Oh, my sweet Mother NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
shouted Shinji as his brain
shifted gears into its well-known 'survival' mode. He quickly looked
around for options. He saw an assault
rifle on a nearby table, Kaoru, or his Father. As with many of his
decisions of recent, this too was a
remarkably quick one for Shinji; he quickly ran over to the M4A1 with
its grenade launcher attachment.
He locks and loads, aims the rifle at Kaoru's balls, and in a stern
voice yells "Suck it down, Angelic
Bitch!"
BLAM BLAM. [Editor's Note: Me No LoNgEr AbLe
To ThInK rIgHt No MoRe, So Me LeAvE
CrApPy SoUnD eFfEcT iN. sOrRy.]
The thirty round burst of automatic fire launched
round after round of hot lead towards Kaoru's
nonexistent manhood. After the final gunshot everyone stared at Kaoru,
who was nearly ripped in half.
Shinji smiled, knowing that it was finally over...
Suddenly, Kaoru stood up! And, because true
evil and gayness can never truly die, Kaoru quickly
pulls himself back together, much like the T-1000. "Oh, you silly goose..."
cooed Kaoru.
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!" yelled Asuka.
Shinji hauled ass as fast as he could, running into
the girl's bathroom, and hid behind the door.
"Shinjiiiiiiiiiiii? Where are you, sweety?" Kaoru giggled girlishly
as she called out for his, no, 'its' love.
"I MUST RUN AWAY! I MUST RUN AWAY!!" Shinji said
to himself. The object of the unholy
demon's desire heard Kaoru coming closer and, in a final act of desperation,
summoned all the balls he
had and grabbed Kaoru, throwing him in the bathroom while firing the
one grenade round into Kaoru. The
explosion blew up one of the stalls, causing a huge septic gas leak.
Next to it was Kaoru, blown into a thousand pieces.
In one of the lady's stalls was Maya, getting high
off a blunt. "Huh....? Wass dat me....?!" she
mumbled.
Shinji ran as fast as he could, trying to escape
Kaoru (who was quickly coming back together).
Maya went to see what was going on. She stuck a blunt in her mouth
and lit a match (remember, there's
gas in the room).
KKKKKKAAAAAAABBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Editor's Note: DoWnRiGhIt ShItTy SoUnD eFfEcT!!!! bUt Me HeAd
HuRt WhEn Me TrY tO tHiNk Of
BeTtEr OnE. ThIs Is VeRy EvIl FiC tO fIx...
OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW! Me HeAd HuRt MoRe ThAnKs To CoMpLaInInG.
mE sHuT uP nOw...]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The entire east wing went up in a forty megaton blast
of crap (literally!). The explosion sent
Kaoru to Iraq, where he could rape all the camels he wanted to, happily
ever after....
Strangely, no one was killed.
"Yes!!! It's finally over!!!!!!" the smoldering Shinji
cried as the shock of realizing he in fact DID
have balls caused him to faint.
Then, we see Aoba in front of the cameras. "This
concludes The Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen.
Join us next time when we play NERV Family Feud. It's Shinji, Misato,
Asuka, and a pair of Rei-clones
VS. Commander Ikari, the MAGI system, and a Ham Sandwich.
END
***Important***
I have made several references to drugs in
this Fic. Please remember that drugs are bad and should
not be taken, only made fun of.
I will gladly take any comments you have about
this Fic, but please keep it to a minimum, as I
know that some of you will write a whole page. I really enjoy reading
your CONSTRUCTIVE criticism,
so fire away.
If, by some Act of God, you happen to enjoy
this Fic, I urge you to check out The Master of
Drunken Legends, written by my friend EVA-01
Beta. Oh, and if you do read it, look at the reviews and
try to guess which one is mine. It should still be on the first page.
