She was exhausted. Her conversation with Barba weighed heavily on her mind for the rest of the day and left her emotionally drained. The ADA was her best friend, and would always have her back. There was no question about that. Still, despite his reassurance that she could trust her instincts, she had her doubts. She loved her little boy, Noah, more than she thought was possible and the thought of losing him after everything she's been through terrified her. The loss she suffered 7 years ago nearly destroyed her, and she didn't think she would survive another goodbye. On the other hand, she struggled with feeling selfish by keeping him from his only connection to his birth mother. She goes back to her desk and opens the bottom drawer; taking out a box she's kept hidden away for times like this. Times when she longed for the other man in her life who still had a piece of her heart she would never get back. She took out the picture that had been placed delicately inside. It was from their first year as partners at the squad's annual Christmas party. He has an arm wrapped around her and they are looking at each other laughing with grins on their faces. She feels a lump in her throat when she sees his warm, loving, signature smile and a tear falls on the frame. 7 years, and it still hurts worse than anything she has ever felt. Not even the pain she suffered at the hands of Lewis could compare to the loss of her partner, her best friend, her rock, her protector, her..everything.

"I miss you so much El." She whispered tearfully, putting the picture back and taking out his Semper Fi necklace he had left for her in his will. It was still painful to talk about him, so she almost never wore it. Afraid someone would ask her about it and she wouldn't be able to control her tears. Days like today though, she needed him close. She needed to feel him by her side even though he couldn't be.

She tried not to blame herself. He had taken a bullet meant for her. A teenage girl, a victim's daughter on one of their cases had walked into the squad room and started shooting. The events of that day are still a blur, but what she remembers clearly is the gun being aimed at her and Elliot dropping his gun and darting in front of her to shield her as it fired. A single shot to the chest took her other half from her that day. She can still hear his voice shouting at her to get out of the way. As much as she tried not to blame herself, she did. She blamed herself for being too shocked to move. If she had moved, Elliot wouldn't have placed himself in the line of fire. She blamed herself for waiting until he was on the ground, fighting for his life to tell him she loved him. She blamed herself for the fact that he used his last breaths to tell her he loved her "more than she would ever know" because she felt like she was the reason he only had a few breaths left in the first place. She got him shot. She didn't deserve his love. She blamed herself for everything about that day. No matter how many times her colleagues tried to convince her otherwise. No matter how many times at his funeral his ex-wife and kids told her they didn't blame her, that he wouldn't either, that he loved her.

She found the box a few months after his funeral, when his kids were cleaning out his stuff and had discovered he had put that together for her and wanted her to have it. Inside was the picture, necklace, and a letter he had written around their 2nd or 3rd year as partners. Telling her that if anything happened to him that he needed her to know that he loved her, always, and unconditionally. He couldn't say anything or act on it because he had a wife and a family, so he wrote that letter instead. So she would know she would always have a part of his heart too. He wrote that he gave her the necklace as a promise that he was always with her, and for the past 7 years, it's been her only connection to the man she loved. She had collapsed to the floor sobbing when she first tried to read it, Cragen ended up reading it to her, though he was struggling to keep it together himself.

She clasped the necklace around her neck and took a deep breath. Trying to remember his scent. And placed the box back in the drawer. She stood up and left her office to head to the courthouse, feeling more strength and stability with Elliot's necklace around her. She wasn't sure if she could trust her instincts on her own as Barba had assured her, but as long as she had a part of her partner with her, she knew she could get through the challenges and heartache of the day.

He may not be able to be by her side, but he'd forever be in her heart.

A/N: Just an idea I had based on the episode earlier this season where Liv and Barba were talking in her office and she asked him "Is my instinct right?" I wondered what Elliot would have answered in that situation..I wonder if she did too.