So, chapter one! Here's the obligatory message: If I was J.K. Rowling, I'd be:
a) Rich
b) Published
c) Famous
I am...
D) None of the above.
So, clearly I'm not J.K., and none of the characters mentioned in the books belong to me. Get it? Got it? Good.
Hope you enjoy the chapter, and tell me what you think!
September 4th
Let the record show that I, Rose Weasley, am the only sane person left at Hogwarts. Yes, me. Scary, right?
But, unfortunately everyone else has gone completely mad. The headmaster, the professors, even the students. Especially the students.
Here, in order, are Rose Weasley's Top Ten People Who Need to Have Their Heads Examined:
1) Gabrielle Phillips
I never would've suspected Gabby was insane. She was my best friend from the time we met on the train four years ago. She's been my partner-in-crime, the wind beneath my wings, the girl who let me steal from her killer shoe collection. That's why it makes me even sadder to report that Gabby is a nutter. She's also my ex-best friend now. She may have some amazing boots, but not even bribery can convince me to forgive her for the Incident. (Unless it's those Manolos...no! Stay strong, Weasley.)
2) Scorpius Malfoy
I hate him. I hate him so, so, much. Do you know he's been trying to beat me at everything since the 2nd year? (He should know by now-I always win.) He was also in all my classes until this year. He's just so...ugh. He teases me mercilessly, he bugs me, and he (and all his friends, as a result), insists on calling me Red. I hate the name Red. I've considered dying my hair just to get them to stop calling me that. He's insane because...well what sane person decides to make a poor girl's life miserable?
3) Minerva McGonagall
I always thought McGonagall was a pretty smart woman. But, then she made a HUGE mistake. She, for reasons unknown, decided I would make a good Prefect. ME! Did I mention I'm a prankster? Gabby and I have tried to continue my family's legacy, what with Uncle George and Uncle Harry's dad. We've explored every nook and cranny of the school, and pulled off a whole bunch of classic pranks. Water balloons, fireworks, and everything in between. So, what qualifies me to be a Prefect? Yeah, I make good grades, but that's only because Mum would skin me alive if I didn't, and losing to Scorpius would be an embarrassment. When I asked her, all she said was, "I think you would do well with some responsibility, Miss Weasley." What the hell's that supposed to mean? Utter madness.
4) Albus Potter
I love my cousin. Really, I do. We're the only Gryffindors in the lot, me and him, and he's my age. He's always been my favorite cousin. But, what possessed him to start dating Kennedy Schultz? She's a ditz. She only likes him because he's a Chaser on the Quidditch team. He told me once he'd rather eat a live jellyfish than go anywhere near that bitch. Now, he's sucking face with her any time I see him. I wish he'd never gone popular last year. They've already started molding him into one of their Pod-People. Le sigh.
5) Georgie Macmillan
Georgie's a good guy. Head Boy, good grades, nice to everyone. But, unfortunately, he too has succumbed to the madness. Who in their right mind would think it was a good idea to put me and Scorpius together on rounds ALL YEAR? An entire school term? Ha! The school will probably be burnt down within the first fifteen minutes. Poor Georgie. The arson that he unintentionally caused will torture him for the rest of his life.
6) Savannah Thomas
Ok, Savvy's not too crazy. Or at least, she wasn't, until she jumped on Gabby's crazy little delusion train. Wildly infatuated with me my arse. There's absolutely NO proof.
7) Kennedy Schultz
Kennedy's head needs to be examined only because she's too perfect. She gets great grades, plays for the Slytherin Quidditch team, and she's on top of the Hogwarts food chain. The only sign she isn't some android sent by the aliens to observe us is that she's a bitch. That and she's dated all three members of the Trio. For such a smart girl, you think she'd have better taste in boys. (Though her dating Malfoy is better than her sinking her talons into Albus.)
8) Louis Weasley
Traitor. What kind of Weasley goes into Slytherin? Worse yet, he's a member of the Trio. This one needs a head examination for multiple reasons, but the main one: He actually chooses to be Scorpius's best friend. Who subjects themselves to that kind of torture?
9) Rowan Nott
Rowan rounds out the Trio. Everyone knows his family history. Grandfather was a certified Death Eater, father was about to join before Voldemort's fall. He and Scorpius have a similar history, but there's one difference between the two: Scorpius shies away from his family history. Rowan embraces it. Why anyone would want to embrace that is a mystery to me.
10) Sybil Trelawney
I mostly just threw her on here to round out the list. But, she is certifiably crazy.
So, here's Rule Number 1: NEVER let any of those people into your life. (Unless they're teachers. Then, just let them in as little as possible.) They will screw it up somehow, and then where will you be?
I've lived by the Rules ever since 3rd year, when I found this girl's old notebook. The girl, who I found out was named Devi, wrote down all the "rules of survival" for Hogwarts with a couple of her friends. The list is long, with everything from, "Drop History of Magic the minute you can do so." to, "Don't eat the casserole if it's Tuesday." (You really shouldn't, for reasons unknown. It tastes disgusting on Tuesdays, no matter what.) The Rules have never led me astray. In fact, they've been extremely helpful. I occasionally adjust rules to fit my own situation, but other than that, I follow them as written. You can't argue with quality work like that.
Now, I'm documenting the rules for you, in the hopes that maybe you can do better than I did. Because, while the rules may help, something will go wrong. Or, if you have my luck, everything will.
You've been warned.
Rule Number 1: Follow all the Rules, no matter how stupid you think they sound. The Rules were all created for a specific purpose, and they'll help you in the long run.
Gabby and I are night owls. When Savvy and the others have gone to sleep, the two of us are usually just gearing up. Normally, night time is when we have our little adventures. But, that night, we had no plans, and Gabby was too interested in hearing about my train wreck of a day to leave. She giggled, "You and Scorpius...all year...Oh, that's just perfect!" She, like everyone in the 5th year, knew of the long-standing rivalry between us.
She mused, "You know, I don't think this can just be coincidence. Maybe...maybe Scorpius requested to have rounds with you!"
I rolled my eyes. Gabby liked to romanticize Scorpius and I. "Gabs, Georgie picks the pairings. There are no requests. It's just my luck that R and S are right next to each other in the alphabet."
"Or, it's the fates saying you two are destined to be together." She said, no trace of irony in her voice.
"Well then, screw destiny." I replied, "Because I hate Scorpius Malfoy, and I always will. Nothing can change that."
Gabby raised an eyebrow, a strange expression on her face, "Oh, really? So, nothing could ever make you like him?"
I should've known something was wrong there. The way Gabby asked it, the raised eyebrow, it all spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R for Rose Weasley. But, I didn't know that. I just said adamantly, "Nothing could make me like Scorpius Malfoy."
Gabby smiled mysteriously, and little alarm bells began ringing in my head. That look was never, ever, good either. She got up off my bed, walked back to hers, and laid down, whispering one last thing to me before she fell asleep, "Famous last words, Weasley."
"C'mon, five more minutes..." I said, hearing the relentless beeping of my alarm in my ear. I was definitely not what you'd call a morning person. I rolled over and reached for my dresser, feeling for my wand. But, I didn't feel the smooth willow wand that always sat in the exact same spot. My eyes flew open. My wand wasn't there. It was always there. In that exact spot. I know, because if I don't put it there, I lose it. I'm not the best at keeping track of things.
I got out of the bed and went down on my knees, frantically searching through my drawers and under the dresser, praying it had just fallen somewhere and I'd find it. But, it was nowhere in sight. My eyes darted around the room, but Savvy, Isabelle, and Clio were still asleep. Only Gabby's bed was empty...which was odd, because Gabby was the latest sleeper of all of us. Oh, God.
This would be Gabby's idea of a joke. She had her sadistic moments, and she'd think it was hilarious, me searching everywhere for my wand, only to find out she'd had it the entire time. I had to find her. Once I found her, I could murder her. I wouldn't get sent to Azkaban; I'd be doing a service to society. They'd probably give me a medal.
I threw on a pair of ripped jeans, a black t-shirt, and the first pair of robes I got my hands on. I slipped on some ratty black sandals and put my hair into a messy ponytail, running out the door as fast as my feet could carry me.
People are not nice. Don't believe all that "faith in humanity," crap, they aren't. At least, the kids at Hogwarts aren't. I know I don't look like a super model. But, that does NOT mean you have to openly stare and point as I run past. I felt I had a right to yell at those second years. Perhaps it wasn't very prefectly behavior, in retrospect. Then again, I was never very prefectly in the first place, was I?
I made it down to the Great Hall in five minutes flat. Not bad, considering I started on the top floor. Maybe I should consider founding a track team? Unfortunately, Gabby was nowhere to be found, and I was hungry. I took a bit of a break from my search, sitting down to eat a couple of pieces of toast, and to do my daily bugging of Rodger Corner.
Rodger is far, far, too serious, in my opinion. Studying, Prefect rounds, and tutoring, that's his life. At first, I thought old Rodger must just let loose when he's with friends. Then, Al told me he had no friends outside the Obsessed Scholars Society, and I knew what I had to do. I had to show him how amazing fun was. How wonderful it was to be completely nonsensical. So, for quite some time now, I give him a few moments of Rose to compensate for the rest of his boring day.
"Hola, Rodgito." I trilled, sitting next to him, spreading a thick piece of butter on my first piece of toast. I may be a little bit obsessed with it, according to my friends. I usually eat 4 pieces for breakfast and nothing else. It's not my fault. The house-elves just manage to make the crunchy bread too damn good to be resisted.
Rodger sighed, "Look Weasley, can you just go and torture someone else for once? I'm tired, and I don't have time for this." His eyes were pleading, and for a moment, I considered it. Then, I remembered my mission here: Make Rodger get some fun in his day. Like vitamins. I couldn't let the poor boy go without his vitamins, could I? They were what made the chest hair grow. Rodgy would just have to choke them down, no matter how nasty they tasted. (Though I'm sure my actual flavor would be fruity and delicious.) He would suffer without them, and I am 100% against pain and suffering of any kind. (Unless it happens to Scorpius, Kennedy, or, at the moment, Gabby.)
I replied cheerily, "No can do, Rodgy. Not before I impart my wisdom." Rodger rolled his eyes, but let me continue. My smile widened. Maybe I was actually getting through to him. I continued, "Today, I want you to consider jelly. Grape jelly, raspberry jelly, petroleum jelly. Whatever kind you want. I want you to think of the merits of said jelly, and what fun things you could do with jelly, like dumping it on Malfoy's head. I also want you to think of tangerine jelly. Or even better, bacon jelly. What would bacon jelly taste like? Would you ever consider spreading it all over yourself and seeing if dogs would come? I think Hogwarts has an astounding lack of dogs. So, Rodger, do you understand today's assignment?" The boy just continued staring at me. How rude. "Ok, then. Remember the jelly! Bye now!" I grabbed my final piece of toast and took a big bite out of it as I ran out to the grounds. I could've sworn I just saw a flash of blonde out there...
Sure enough, Gabby was leaning against a wall in the Courtyard, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "Looking gorgeous as ever, Rosie." She said perkily.
"Shut up, Gabs." I growled, "Where is IT?"
"Where is what?" She asked, feigning innocence. "Oh...you mean this, I presume?" She opened her left hand to reveal my wand, as perfect and pristine as ever.
I let out a sigh of relief. And I was worried she'd do something crazy. Pshaw. "Oh, thank Merlin." I said, reaching for the wand.
But, Gabby closed her hand and put it behind her, waggling a finger, "Ah, ah, ah." She sing-songed, "Not just yet. You have to do me a favor first, Rosie."
Oh, no. Not good. "What kind of favor?" I asked warily.
She twirled a lock of blonde hair around her finger as she answered breezily, "Oh, nothing really. It's barely even an issue. I just want you to ask Scorpius Malfoy to go on a date with you."
WHAT? Me and SCORPIUS? She wants me to-
I'm not about to-
What kind of shit is this?
I'm not asking him.
The end. That's that.
"No way." I said firmly, "There's no way in hell I'm doing that. Now, gimme-" I reached for Gabby's hand, but she held it high above me. Curse being short!
"That's too bad." She replied, "Guess you won't be getting your wand back anytime soon."
"I'll report you Gabby, I swear I will. Why are you doing this to me anyway?" I moaned. Some kind of a best friend she was.
Gabby's face softened, "Look Rose, you know I love you. But, you know how you are with Rodger? Tough love and all that? Well, that's my new technique. I want you to see what's staring you in the face, and if this is what it takes to get results, so be it. Plus, it's payback for that awful prank you played on me last year with Carter Owens. You knew what he meant to me, yet you did it anyway. So, I'm just executing some well-deserved payback." I thought that would be the end of it. She'd give me back my wand, and this would all be over. Just a joke. My appearing as a slob in front of the whole school would be enough.
But, Gabby's smile turned into a smirk, and she continued, "However, you aren't going to report me. You aren't going to do anything. I'm your best friend, and you love me. That, and I could throw your wand into the Whomping Willow behind me and let it get savaged."
"You wouldn't." She wouldn't really do that. Gabby may be a lot of things, but she's not crazy. She's not that heartless.
Gabby raised her hand like she was readying to chuck it behind her. "Do or die, Weasley." She looked at me expectantly.
Which was it? My wand or my dignity? Could I Obliviate everyone in the vicinity after I did it? Could I simply take it with force? Was she even serious? I couldn't afford to test it.
"Fine." I mumbled, not wanting to say it any louder, "I'll do it tomorrow."
She shook her head, "Oh, no. You can do it right now. I don't want you wriggling out of this." Damn it. That was my only plan. She added, "I keep your wand until you do it, Rose. So, hop to. What will you do in class tomorrow without a wand?"
I looked over at the elm tree by the edge of the lake, and sure enough, he and the other members of the Trio were there. Louis was tickling Marissa, Kennedy's best friend and head of the Harem that surrounded the Trio. Ever since Kennedy had decided to hook up with Al (which I'm guessing had something to do with Uncle Harry being the savior of the world), Louis has been steadily working his way through the Harem. Trying to ease the pain, I suppose. I don't think a girl's ever dumped him before. Rowan was aiming at a Ravenclaw, and talking with Scorpius, who sat next to him.
I didn't approach Scorpius. Scorpius approached me. Approaching Scorpius meant looking like I actually wanted to spend time with him, which I didn't. But, I had no choice. His friends weren't just going to disappear. I'd have to do this thing in front of them, too. How would I ever live this down?
I seriously considered letting her do it. Just letting her chuck my wand into the tree. Part of me thought she'd back down if I challenged her. Part of me just didn't want to do this, to have my nightmare come true. But, if my wand really did go into that tree, it would be months until I could get a new one. I'd fail out of my classes. I couldn't do that with OWLs at the end of the year. I needed that wand more than anything. So, I gulped, summoned all that long-dormant Gryffindor courage I was alleged to have, and walked towards the tree.
I stood at a respectable distance from the tree, about 5 feet, give or take. I wasn't going any closer than I had to. "Scorpius!" I called, hoping I sounded tough.
"Heeeyyy, Red!" He called, stretching out the first word, "Come to hear about how I'm going to beat you on the Arithmancy test?"
I rolled my eyes, and scoffed, "As if, Malfoy. You've beaten me...what, twice in three years? You couldn't beat me if you cheated off Kenneth Boot's paper, which I'm assuming you did." Bad way to start a date invitation, I know. But, it's a reflex. Scorpius insults, and I volley back. It's an easy routine.
"Caught me, Red." He answered, a self-satisfied smirk plastered on his face. The prat didn't just know he cheated. He was proud of it. "And, I only lose to make you feel better. It wouldn't be fair to a girl like you if I showed my true genius."
"Look, could you just get over here already?" I called impatiently. I'd lose my nerve if we kept this up. Either that or I'd start giggling. Then, I may start drooling, and Merlin knows how great that would look. I really need to stop chewing gum when I talk to my sworn enemies. It looks bad if you drool when you talk to them. Really pathetic.
Scorpius actually did what I said, surprisingly enough. He shoved himself up off the ground and strutted over. "Where's the fire, Red?" He asked, a twinge of annoyance in his voice. Well, excuse me for interrupting. I'm sorry cut in on your oh-so-important tree-sitting session. "Besides your hair." He added, the smirk creeping back. Did Scorpius ever stop smirking?
I was suddenly nervous. Not just because I hated Scorpius. Because...I don't know. It was a feeling I couldn't quite identify. It made my stomach into a butterfly house. I felt a little dizzy. I needed to get the words out while I still could, "Erm...Do you-Well, I want to-No, I don't want to. No, wait!"
Scorpius raised his eyebrows, "Was I supposed to understand that?"
I sighed. Let's start this again. Rose makes the worst mistake of her life, take two. I take a couple of deep breaths, but as soon as I'm calm looking at Malfoy's face sets me off again. How the hell am I going to do this? After a few moments, Scorpius looks at me and says, "Kaaaay. Well, I'm gonna be going, Red. Prepare to lose tomorrow!"
The moment he turned his back, my stupid mouth chose to work again, and I blurted, "Doyouwannagooutwithme?"
Scorpius stopped dead, spun on his heel and faced me. Louis's head snapped up, and Marissa's mouth hung open. Clio and Savvy, who had just come outside, were staring at me in shock. I just stood there, trying to focus intently on a tree. Pretty tree. Nice healthy army green leaves, a few things carved in the trunk, good branches for climbing. Scorpius, clearly confused, said, "Say that again, please."
"Do you want to go out with me?" I enunciated, hating myself. Oh, Merlin. What was I doing? I stared harder at the tree. I wondered if squirrels lived in there. I wondered if I could join them if they did.
Scorpius was, for the first time in recorded history, speechless. Everyone was silent, staring at either me or him. But, after a very long pause, he said, "Uh...yeah. Sure."
My jaw dropped, and I must have gaped at him for a solid minute. I'd imagined many scenarios while I was doing all my Ums and Erms. But, none of them involved a yes. Explosions, the Apocalypse, and a hole in the ground swallowing me up, yes. An actual acceptance? Never.
Scorpius seemed to regain his confidence somewhere in there, because he walked back to me, put a hand under my chin, and pushed my mouth closed. "You'll lose your gum that way, Red." He said breezily, "So, does this mean you admit it?"
"What?" I asked warily, trying to act normal.
"That I'm a babe magnet?" He replied, smiling crookedly.
I snorted, "In your dreams, Malfoy."
He rolled his eyes, "Whatever, Weasley. This just proves it. Even you can't resist me."
In a voice oozing with sarcasm, I threw a hand over my heart and said, "Oh, yes, Scorpius! Light of my life! Angel of my world! I couldn't live another day without you!" What can I say? I'm a drama queen. I figure after all this embarrassment, I might as well go out with a bang.
He said, "Calm down, Red. I know you want me. You don't have to be such a drama queen about it."
"This is barely a pity date, Malfoy. I felt sorry for you after seeing your last scores in Transfiguration." I retorted.
"Oh, right, Weasley. Face it. You want me. You want me bad." He said triumphantly, as if that's the last word on the subject.
"The only thing I want is to know what kind of sick joke the universe has been playing on me by sticking me with you!" I yelled, stomping off.
That's it, I thought, He and I won't actually have to go out. He'll blow it off as a joke. But, the boy remained as stupidly unfazed as ever. "See you tonight at rounds, Red! We can talk more about how sexy you think I am!" He called after me.
I thrust my hand out in front of Gabby, and she put the wand in my hand, looking pale. "I'm sorry." She stammered, "You know, I never actually meant to go through with it."
I raised a hand, and sighed, "Just...save it, Gabs. I really don't want to talk right now."
Clio looked at me, and asked in a shocked voice, "Who are you? Honestly, you and Scorpius?"
I raised my eyebrows, and said, "You know, sometimes you think some crazy things, but you never go through with them. This time I just said what the hell and did it. I'd like to see you try something like that." I hope Gabby appreciated that. It was the last favor I was doing her, not ratting her out.
"What the hell indeed." Clio laughed, "Well, good luck with that one."
I'd need good luck, alright. I didn't know it, but what I'd done would be throwing a lit match into an oil spill. That was when everything went from ordinary to completely insane.
So, my second tip to you is the following: Never just say, "What the hell?" and do something completely nuts. If so, be prepared to live with the consequences. Trust me, they'll be life-changing.
So, what'd ya think? Funny, good, terrible? Whatever you think, review and let me know!
