Do I knock? Do I have to? I mean, I'm sure she knows I'm right here. Yes, here. Two feet from her door, hand raised, head down. Eyes closed. Because I know in there still lives a little piece of me. Such a love doesn't go away just like that.
My attempt to knock is stopped by the burning in my body. That feeling that reminds me why I've been here for one hour now. I should be able to know what it is by now. Fear…shame? I'm close to ruling out fear; I believe I pictured enough scenarios to find some worst than the actual one. In a way, when it happens, it probably won't be as bad as I thought.
But knowing her…I'm never sure. She always finds a way to surprise me.
I believe the shame it's consuming me. Now much more than when I first got here. I've been changing from pacing to completely still for over an hour. Wondering what happened to that resolve. The one that carried me all the way to this front porch. Well I believe it's gone, and I'm tired.
I turn. And everything in my body tells me to run, to go back to the hole I deserve to stay in for the rest of my life. Except for one part of me. There's a feeling on my chest that burns and keeps me right here. It's the only thing I still have that connects me to her. This tingling sensation. That reminds us we're alike, yet being so different.
I sit on the steps. Head now in my hands. Why can't it be like before? My head on her warm shoulder instead of these cold hands. How many times I told her things would change? She never believed me. We were forever for her. They forgot to tell her forever always ends.
I never intended for it to change…
Why this silence? Why can't you stop torturing me?!
Fuck. I know I've made a mistake, okay? I'm here to ask you for forgiveness! My head is lost, my heart in my hand. I don't know the time or what to do. And I can't find the words to tell you: If I were you, I'd go back to me.
I think I'm going crazy.
I stand and close my eyes. If I try hard enough, for a small moment I can fell her in my arms and the scent of her hair. The moment goes away quickly and I'm left with the cold wind and dust.
I guess today won't be the day.
And I walk away.
Every step hurts. Every single foot away from her house aches. But I believe it will stop eventually. I'll go back to being a thousand miles away, or as far as it takes…far enough so that I won't be able to feel her inside me. Taking me whole.
What can I say? Who can I explain that? What we have…had, it's not just a simple thing…that comes and goes.
It leaves scars, that one can't erase…I know I can't.
I hear the faint sound of a door opening and my name being pronounced.
"Faith"
