Title: Death is Only the Beginning
Author: Jaybird023
Summary: When you die what more is left? And what do we have to look forward to?
Spoilers: Just as a warning. This is an MSR story, but it takes quite a while to see how it all comes together.
Disclaimer: I don't own the original ones. Once reading the story you'll understand. But since I effectively took care of that I have to say I don't own their souls. Is that good enough? The originals are owned by you know whom…
Rating: NC-17
Category: MSR / Angst
AN: I wrote this story about 15 years ago. However, I do believe it was the turning point in my writing. It is very rough in the beginning, but smooths out eventually. I had a Beta back then, but that was when it wasn't nearly as strict as things are now. Please enjoy the story. I'll be posting the whole thing throughout the day, no matter how much feedback it gets. It's already finished and despite the grammatical tragedy that the story may have inside it, I still consider it one of my best works at the beginning of my writing.
Part I: Darkness and Oppression
I'd like to believe…
That everyone is the same.
That no one goes to bed hungry at night.
That everyone does have a conscious and knows right from wrong.
That time doesn't rob people of their memories.
That death and fear do not exist.
I need to believe…
That love does exist in the world.
That all children are happy and safe.
That people can see past the colors and hatred.
That kindness isn't just a phantom.
That hope isn't just a word.
I want to believe.
That I can open my heart.
That romance does exist and I know how to see it.
That I can survive through the haze of every stress filled day.
That he doesn't just see what's in my mind.
That I know what I want to say.
I'd like…I need…I want…
How often do we say these words when it counts the most?
Instead of saying what we mean, I find us fighting for the silence that has become a part of our lives. A comfortable silence for some…but for us it's just another barrier. Who says we have a comfortable silence? Who says we can speak to each other in our minds? They are fools. I never quite know what he's thinking. I never quite let on that it matters much.
But that's just who we are…
Would you like me to explain?
I mean really explain...?
It's a long story of who is alive and who is dead. And how we managed to survive the whole thing…
Well we kind of survived…but now I'm getting ahead of myself. To truly go back and tell this story, I must start from the very beginning. For us the beginning is much more complicated than the ending. You see the beginning of this story is an ending of sorts…for us it was the end of our lives…the lives we had before we became the hunted.
Death was only the beginning…
We were FBI agents back then. I'm not quite sure, but I think my name was Scully. We're still not sure about that though. But we found his. It was actually really easy. I mean how many men do you know with the name of Fox Mulder?
The investigations we we're able to get through involved his name. But for some reason we found nothing on me. Everything had been destroyed…
Yet again…I'm ahead of myself.
So, I'll go ahead and start my story. I'm not saying you have to believe it or even agree that these are the way things are. I'm just going to give you my unbiased side of the entire situation. Better I tell it then him. I seem to understand it a little better.
Maybe once you hear this you'll understand…understand why we chose the path we did…and why it's so important to tell this story. You see it all comes down to one little sentence…two words that when uttered can stand for the Truth.
"I BELIEVE."
2:24 A.M.
Tears are a fool's paradise. No matter how much you fight against them, you always end up drowning in petulance. However…in all of it, you have to realize that nothing is as it seems. There is always a lingering doubt that so much of your life is wasted…so much left unsaid and denied. Especially when death claims the life you so cherished.
It is not your death that grips your heart and squeezes those tears from your hollowed eyes. It is the loss of those you cherished and loved in that life. When darkness reaches out and grabs the hand of the one person in your life that grounds you to reality, it tears your soul apart. Yet you can do nothing about it.
You are stuck in the endless flow of tears that drowns your eyes with bitter salt water.
I often lie in bed at night crying for our lost lives. He wakes occasionally…pulling me softly to his body to cradle and hold me close as the tears stream down my cheeks. His breathing will hitch and I know that he is crying too. We don't acknowledge the pain as one. Instead it tears at us. It draws a thin line between our hearts. Eventually he will try to ease my pain. The caresses will start…his hands knowing all the right spots to turn my mind away from the pain and draw it towards pleasure. Our coupling on those nights is feral. It becomes a celebration of our life…instead of the unspoken death that runs through my mind constantly.
Tonight will be no different. Despite the fact that his breathing is deep and even, I know he will wake up. My sobs are hard to contain after the dreams of our past. Tonight was not an exception. The nightmares are mine in this life. I know that he had them in the past life…and he still has one occasionally. Screaming out the name 'Samantha'…a woman that we have yet to discover who exactly she was.
Tonight my dreams contained the darkness. I don't dream of much about our deaths. I see bits and pieces in flashes of brightness. Bright lights…screaming voices…loud crashes…
In that final moment of our lives we had gripped each other's hand. I think it was a futile effort of knowing that we had grounded each other in life…so we would in death. But I had slipped into the darkness before him…
This is what I remember of that time. It never gives away the true extent of our deaths. For that I am grateful. To go through it in my mind would be all too real. It would grip me and I know the pain would be enough to grasp my heart and twist it out of my very chest. In all it is not our death that sends the chills throughout my body.
It is the time after.
Now this is what the dreams bring back to me. This scares me more than death…a darkness with no empathy. Someone else deciding the fate that we fought so hard to determine. A faceless nemesis deciding when the light should appear and disappear.
I go to sleep each night dreading this very dream. My eyes close and I slip peacefully into a dreamless sleep for most of the night. And sometimes I actually sleep straight through till morning. I wake and know that our lives are finally settling into some sort of normalcy.
But then I would try to sleep the next night and it would come to me unguarded. I am fighting to hold in the sobs and think of the dream that I so fear. The dream that somehow holds the memory of purgatory. I was alone…and it was dark…
"Mulder?"
No answer…it had been that way for what seemed like months. Instead my voice echoed into the darkness.
I stood from my crouch on the floor. I had nothing with me…I didn't sleep or eat…there was nothing for me in the darkness. I often wondered why I no longer needed these aspects of my life. When you're all alone you find answers to questions you never even knew you had. It was the questions about Mulder that I didn't get answers to.
The noise came once again and I knew without a doubt that I was no longer alone. But I also knew it wasn't him. He would've answered my voice…he would've come to me in a frenzy for not seeing me in so very long.
"DANA KATHERINE SCULLY…" The voice was soft but assured.
"Who are you? Why have I been alone for this long? Why don't I need to sleep or eat?" The questions came out in a tumble. I know now that it was just the simple fact that I knew someone was there. It didn't occur to me to question why I was suddenly no longer alone.
"You are free to pass onto your next life. We have found a new time and dimension that will accept what you now believe to be true."
"Why are you not answering my questions? And what do you mean my next life?" My voice was in a whisper.
They never replied. Just paused until I got done…then continued with the cryptic phrases. "You are to be reborn in the year of nineteen hundred and seventy-four. You will be born without your life bond. He may or may not follow you." The voice began to recede.
"Wait!" I was running after them. My voice pleading for Mulder…I wanted to see him before I left this place. Before I went back to a world without him. I knew I would not survive it alone.
I screamed out his name…the tears streaming down my face. I needed to study his face so that I could memorize it. I didn't want to live without knowing exactly what he looked like.
But the darkness remained oppressive…there was no one there to care.
Had I seen him I don't know what I would've said. I don't know if I would've refused to go back and face a world that I had grown to hate. The world had been my reasons for pain. And now I would face that pain alone.
I lacked the faith of it all.
Faith is a funny thing. When you have it…it seems to be a never-ending supply. But the moment it disappears is the moment you realize that you can never get it back. It is impossible to recreate that very aspect of the whole picture. To understand you need a miracle.
I no longer had faith in God. If there were a God he would've been merciful. He would've given me that final moment with Mulder. The final moment to show him that I loved him beyond time and space. The final pain filled moment that I would be able to tell him that I was going to be with him in the end. It didn't matter how many lives I would have to live to find him again.
I would find him and this time we would never let go.
Growing up in a military family is something I would not wish on anyone. You have problems making friends…your bonds take time to grow. And in those bonds you always have a deep feeling that nothing is as it seems. You're missing a deep part of yourself that you know has influence on your very soul.
I know now that my reasons for the emptiness I felt had nothing to do with my family. They were always there…never running from the awkwardness I had from growing up. My three older sisters were my best friends. They stood by me in my times of triumph and pain. Crying when I cried…smiling when I so rarely did the same.
No…my pain stemmed from a different place entirely. I was missing him…his love…his companionship. I felt emptiness in my heart that only he could fill. I was missing the other part of my soul that he possessed.
But growing up I did not know about any of this. I just felt the pain of loss. There was so much missing from my very being…and I didn't even know why. It's very depressing to know that you are missing something but not quite sure of what. And I had no idea what lengths I would go to just to find out how my life had come about.
Perhaps this is the reason behind my depression over the life I never wanted. A depression that consumed my very mind until I could think of nothing but ending the time I spent in this dimension. I needed more in my life…and I hoped that maybe if I ended it all I would be brought back to a time when I was truly happy.
But something always stopped me from taking that final step into the darkness. I didn't have faith in my ability to see the other side clearly. I couldn't see if death would take me and fill me the way that I needed. In some deep part of myself I knew it would not fill that empty void. So I remained…never completely happy with the life that was given to me.
I hated myself for being so weak. But strength was not a luxury I possessed. It came with time…as all things do. It surrounded me with walls of stone around my heart. Walls so impenetrable that not even my family could knock them down.
It was in my tenth year that things began to change. My father decided to retire from his position in the military. This meant that we would be moving again. Our friends would be left behind…our lives uprooted once more.
But something was different about this move. I had hope towards this change in lifestyle. For once we would be in a stable environment. This move would be the final one for the entire family…we were to settle down into a new house and not move again for years to come. I would have the opportunity to create friendships and keep them close. The loneliness in my life could disappear and make room for the better aspects of being alive.
If I had known how deeply a person can get hurt from those people we trust and hold dear I would've wished to remain in stasis. I didn't know that there was more pain to be wrought from deeper friendships. That once let in, a person could tear apart your whole world with just a single word.
I was soon to learn my pretenses were false. Friendships created more pain then pleasure.
It was the girl next door that would help me discover the truth of how much pain can be given. She was the same age as me…but where her light was brightly lit…mine was dim enough to go out at any time.
July 24th, 1984
11:23 A.M.
Fate has a funny way of stepping in when you least expect it. It takes your life and turns it so that you have to look at it in a whole new aspect. My fate revolved around a girl named Sarah. She was about to become my new link to life and what I believed to be true. It was only my second day in the new house when I met her. My hollowed eyes were cast downward while sitting in the grass of the front yard when she approached me.
"Hi…I live next door. My mom said I should come over and introduce myself…I'm Sarah." My eyes shifted towards her slowly, not caring who she was or why she seemed to be interested in who I was. She remained standing there, shifting slowly from one leg to the other. My face showed the contempt that I felt towards her and everything around me.
It didn't faze her. Instead of leaving like everyone else did when I gave them my look of scorn, she plopped her body down next to mine.
"You don't talk much do you?" It was more of a statement then a question. I turned my eyes away from her hoping that maybe she would just go away.
Don't get me wrong…I wanted friends. But something deep inside me was uncomfortable with this girl. She wasn't what I expected or wanted out of this place. I knew she wasn't the one who I needed to fill that void in my heart.
"Danielle?" My name coming from her lips made me jump. God her mother must have been incredibly nosy to find out my name.
"My name is Dani…I don't go by Danielle." The words were out of my mouth strictly from solid habit. I hated the name Danielle.
She smiled at me. Her blue eyes lighting up at the sound of my voice…her blonde hair ruffling in the slight wind.
"Dani then. Can I ask you a question?"
"No." I turned away from her again. I didn't want to look at her…I looked at the sky to see if I could find any shapes in the clouds. It was a habit I had from so many lonely years behind my walls.
"Have you ever had a dream that you're in a really dark place and someone else is there with you…but you can't tell them what you want to say?" Her voice had dropped to a whisper. My heart leapt to my throat at her words. She sounded so afraid to even be speaking them. I turned towards her incredulously.
"You have that dream?" I could tell by the look in her eyes that she wasn't joking around. My voice dropped down to the same level as hers with my next question.
"Does it scare you too?"
Her head nodded slightly. "It scares me so much that sometimes I wake up crying. I never know quite when to expect it. It always takes me by surprise."
"How is this possible?" I was still whispering…as if anyone was around or really cared about what were saying.
She smiled at me again…her eyes brightening. "Do you wanna go to the park?"
Weird as it seems…that was the only time we ever really talked about our dream. There were many times she would spend the night. But not once did she ever have the dream while she was at my house. If only I could say the same about myself. The dream came to me at least once a week…never faltering on the intensity of my emotions. I never remembered everything about it. Just of being alone, the darkness…and a voice saying I had to go back.
It never failed to shake me to my very core.
Our friendship grew stronger each day we were together. Sarah was two days older than me…our birthdays so astoundingly close that we began to celebrate them together.
It was at one of these celebrations that I finally opened up myself to her. It was a decision that would make me look back and wonder how I could've been so stupid to do so. This is one of the days that would come back to haunt me years later…when I didn't have a chance to not say what I did.
I told her of my thoughts of death…and of the emptiness that never went away. I spilled my entire being out for her to judge. She was silent for every word…every whisper of hatred towards the life I held in such contempt. In the end it was her silence that finally made me look at her. I needed to see if she would believe me.
The look she was giving me was of pure rage. Her voice full of hatred when she finally did speak.
"Dani, I can't believe that you would think of taking your life all because of some stupid dream you keep having. Why would it even cross your mind?"
I was in shock. I had thought that since she had this very dream that she would understand. Maybe even try to work through it all with me. I began to stand and turn away from her, my voice a mere whisper of my feelings.
"Why don't you understand? You have the very same dream."
"No I don't." Her words stopped me in my retreat. "I never did. Your mother told mine about your dreams the day you moved in. She was worried that you wouldn't make friends and she knew it was the only way you would open up to somebody else."
I sat down hard on the ground. I couldn't help the pain that swelled up in my chest. I felt betrayed…
"Dani…please don't be mad. Your mom was only doing what she thought was right. I didn't know that you were such a great person until later." She was kneeling next to me, but I barely registered that she was even there.
We sat there for quite a while. I was raging a battle within my mind…unsure if I should believe her. She had already betrayed me once. Trust was important to me. So important that I didn't know which way to turn.
In the end, it was thought of loneliness that turned be back towards her. I didn't want to go back to being the person I was before I met her. She was the friend I had yearned for in all the years of loneliness.
"Don't ever lie to me again." It was a simple statement. One that I was sure she would follow.
Sarah had always been a popular girl, and as we grew older that became more of a prominent factor in our lives. She had many boyfriends…all vying for her attention throughout the days and nights. I grew to hate these boys. All of them took her away from our friendship.
We were in seventh grade when things began to change for us. She met a boy that would change her way of thinking. In doing so it would change me as well. He was shy and misunderstood. I know that's what drew her towards him in the first place. She always had a weakness for the ones that required special attention.
I knew the moment I met him that I hated him. His bright hazel eyes were of those to be untrusted. The dark mop of hair that fell across his forehead whenever he moved just irritated me even more. But that was the way I felt about all of her boyfriends. Because of the way she was with this boy I had to be near him. It was with great trepidation when I realized we also shared a class together.
It was during this class that I could hate him with my whole being. Sarah wasn't around and it gave me the chance to open myself to the loathing. I would make fun of his name…telling him that his parents had to be on drugs to name him Ely Mykel. What the hell kind of name is that anyway?
All I ever wanted was for him to give in and hate me too. But he never grabbed the bait. He would just smile and change the subject. Asking me what Sarah liked to eat, what her favorite flower was, and what was her middle name. He frightened me with the intensity he had to know everything about her. It scared me that somebody could have an obsession that deep.
What made me mad, more often than not, was when he wouldn't give up on the questions. I would turn to him with hatred in my eyes and answer them methodically.
"She likes Curry, her favorite flower is the lily, and her middle name is Diana. Now leave me alone damn it!"
I would move to a different chair so that he would leave me alone and I wouldn't have to put up with him anymore.
It was months later that I actually realized the true effect he had on me. I was sitting in the classroom waiting for the bell to ring. I was hoping that he was sick that day. I wasn't in the mood to deal with the endless parade of questions about Sarah. I needed a break from all of it.
I foolishly believed my own hopes when the bell rang and he still wasn't in class. I began to worry after fifteen minutes of him not appearing the doorway. He was never sick…a quality I wished I had. Somebody could cough a mile away and I would get sick.
It occurred to me that for me to worry about him I would have to care about him to some extent. The thought was an epiphany of sorts. So much that I knew I was about to make another deep change in my life. I couldn't care about this boy. He was Sarah's boyfriend. It didn't matter that Sarah and I were growing more and more distant over the months. I refused to submit myself to trust him.
So lost in my thoughts of him, I barely registered his presence in the doorway. When I did finally notice him, my breath was sucked from my chest. His eyes, normally so full of curiosity, were hollow with pain. He walked into the room slightly hunched with destitution. I didn't know quite what to think.
My eyes stayed on him as he made his way across the room and slid into the seat beside me. He stayed silent for almost ten minutes…unusual for him.
With the class being so indifferent I knew I wouldn't get a chance to talk to him until our group session. I waited anxiously for that to happen. The teacher droned on about numbers and letters. It seemed almost forever before he told us to turn towards our groups.
Being the way I was, I had convinced our math teacher to let it be only him and me in our group during the beginning months of the class. Despite the fact that I had hated him all those months ago I knew that he was a link to the friends we shared.
When I turned towards him I knew that whatever was affecting him was deeper that I had first thought. Tears were falling silently down his face, his eyes avoiding mine. I wasn't used to this version of him. I was at a total loss on what to do.
"Ely…what's the matter?" My voice was timid. I didn't quite know if I could help or if I would make it all worse by asking.
"Danielle…" He had a habit of calling me by my real name. Usually it irritated the hell out of me, but today I couldn't correct him. I knew that whatever he had to say would be better without my interruptions.
"My dog got out of the back yard this morning…and my dad…my dad hit her with the car." His eyes turned towards me and locked with mine. "I loved that dog. I've had her for eight years. She was my best friend…and for a long time, my only friend."
I couldn't help the next thought that came to my mind. I had to bite my tongue in order not to come back with 'well at least it wasn't eaten by an alligator'. I don't even know why the thought came to my mind. So I remained silent…watching him cry.
I think it was my silence that forced him to do what he did next. I know I never prompted or expected him to reach over and hug me. When he held me close his tears became more forceful. I couldn't think of anything but the fact that he was in pain and I couldn't help. The very thought brought tears to my own eyes.
When I felt a soft tap on my shoulder I looked up at our teacher. He bent slightly and softly told us to go into the hallway. I knew that whatever note Ely had given the teacher had explained the situation. It was the only way our teacher would've understood. With the entire class staring at us I led him into the hallway where we sat down just outside the door. He was still crying but not as forcefully as when he had pulled into that tight gripping hug.
We sat there in silence. Eventually he started talking to me. His words harsh with pain. He told me about his life…and how lonely he had been before moving here. I just sat there and listened to him talk. He needed a friend more than anything at that moment and I was the only person who could fill that void. God knows Sarah had been lacking in the caring department lately.
When the lunch bell rang it took us both by surprise. Our time in the hallway had passed much more quickly than either of us realized. We stood up as the hallways filled with people around us. He began to walk away and I had to remind him to go back into the classroom so we could get our stuff before going to lunch. He followed me through the door silently.
The room was empty…the lights off. I hesitated before stepping inside. Because of my intense dreams of darkness I had become afraid of the dark. It was a fallacy at the age of twelve…but one I couldn't rid myself of no matter how much I tried. The dreams kept the darkness oppressive.
My hesitation wasn't lost on the boy behind me. He was brave…stepping around so that he could reach over and switch the lights back on long enough to gather our schoolbooks. I didn't know if I could thank him for it or not.
I gathered my stuff and turned to leave. I didn't want to acknowledge the fact that I now held a weakness for the boy behind me. He would never know that I harbored emotions no one on this earth would ever understand. I was alone…as always.
His voice stopped me when I was near the door. "Dani…"
I turned to him again. Not knowing quite what to expect. I only knew that he never called me Dani, so it had to be important.
"Thank you."
I was shocked…but only for a moment. I had no reply…nothing to participate. Speechless I nodded my head...then turned, and walked away. He had never said my name with quite that tone…never said thank you for anything to me. I couldn't acknowledge any of it. The entire hour seemed like an illusion. I just kept telling myself that it had all been in my mind…
But I never quite convinced myself of that fact.
Over the next year I grew to hate Sarah. Her attitude had become that of a goddess. She became so stuck on herself that I was in hatred of spending time with her. But I had no choice. She was my only friend. I couldn't admit to my sudden friendship with Ely to her. That in itself created another rift between us. We fought and argued more often than we ever did. I was stuck in stasis of coming or going. I didn't know which way to turn.
My conscious built another wall. This time it was around my deteriorating trust in Sarah. Every time I turned around she was telling me to do something that I had no inclination to do. It was a self-gratifying thing for her. I was now the circus freak. She no longer saw in me what she saw years ago.
In a way I was prepared for the crumbling friendship. Our discussions about life were becoming more and more infrequent. Her words, meant to hurt me, were taken and tossed aside. I didn't care for her opinions. I knew my first premonition of trusting her had been correct. She was evil and out to prove it to me.
But there were still times we would get together and talk like old friends. We had a history…it would keep us tied together for much longer than expected. Our talks would consist mostly of whether or not she should continue to date Ely. He adored her…something that seemed to bother her at times. She wanted more than one boy to date. But he was highly possessive…willing to share her only with me.
I convinced her every time to stay with him. I wasn't ready to let him out of our lives. I knew the moment they broke up would be the moment he would disappear from my small world of friends. I was aware that was something I was not able to deal with at the moment.
It was during those infrequent talks that she would show her real self. At times I had to bite back a harsh reply to her conceited ramblings. But the reality of the situation was that I could only take too much. I was bound to snap at some point…and I knew it would be sooner rather than later.
The end of my trust and faith in her ended abruptly while sitting in the tree that decorated her front yard.
The day had been peaceful…a weekend was time to relish being alive for most people. I craved the days of going back to school. At least that gave me a break from my thoughts of death and darkness. Our conversation had once again turned towards Ely and her never-ending questions of whether or not she should remain by his side. By now I was used to her psychobabble about how high school would be different and she should break free from all her childish ways. I always nodded…knowing that nothing would change. High school was going to be just as depressing as the rest of my life. I didn't want to admit to her claims of difference.
When I finally did begin to pay attention to her words once more, I realized she was saying something about me. I looked towards her to comprehend the conversation.
"You know Dani, sometimes I wish I was plain like you. Maybe if I didn't have all these guys clambering for my attention I wouldn't be debating about all of this." She was looking away from me so she missed the look of rage that began to cover my features.
"I know that the guys just don't like you. Maybe if you were beautiful like me you could understand…but I can see why you like the solitary life. It must be so depressing to not know what love feels like."
When she finally turned towards me my rage took her by surprise. To say that she thought I would sit there and take her comments about my life, something she knew nothing about anymore, was an understatement.
My teeth were clenched in rage as I spoke to her. I tried to remain calm…but knew I was failing miserably. It angered me even more that she could bring this out in me.
"Sarah…you are not everything you seem to think you are. Who do you think you are to assume that I know nothing about love? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I know exactly what love is and that's why I hold off from everyone? You know nothing. I have felt a love so deep that you would cower from the power of it. And you say it is me that knows nothing of love. You, my dear friend, are the one that knows nothing of love. I, on the other hand, know the power of love, what it feels like, and how deep that fathom can go."
The shock that was written across her face at my words was quickly replaced by anger and pure hatred.
"So Danielle, you seem to know so much about love. I could laugh at the very thought about it. For as long as I've known you, you have been jealous of me and the men that flock around me. You know of love…"
A short snort came from the lips she was convinced were so beautiful and pouty.
"Yeah right. From where? Your nightmares?"
She was as unprepared for the sharp slap across her face as I was in doing it. In the seconds it took for her to recover there was a harsh red hand mark covering her cheek and I was already halfway home. I didn't care that what I had just done would mark the end of our friendship. There had been nothing left of the trust I had in her years ago as it was. In actuality it was her words that finally severed that final thread of faith.
I was to be alone again in my life…for once I wasn't afraid like I had been when she first admitted to her betrayal.
Monday didn't hold the same appeal to me as it normally did after that weekend. I was dreading facing the day with no friends to flock to at lunch. I didn't know if they would accept me into the small circle of friends that Sarah and I had shared. I had always had my doubts that I had been let into the circle solely because I was her best friend. It was with great trepidation that I walked into the school. I didn't show my pain on my sleeve. There would be no reasons to cry or scream.
Because I was so absorbed in my thoughts of loneliness I failed to notice the snickers and whispers when someone spotted me in the hallway. I was almost to my locker before the reality of it all hit me. Every time I walked by I heard whispers of darkness and screams.
I couldn't figure it out until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see Mary, one of the girls that I normally hung out with at lunch. Her face was white and drawn in. I wasn't sure if it was because she needed to tell me something or if she was in pain.
"Sarah has been spreading rumors about you all morning. Her mom dropped her off early at school."
My face fell in shock. I knew I should've expected her to retaliate like this but I also thought maybe she would be a little more adult about the whole situation. I should've remembered that she was a mere child. Her jealousy raged far deeper than my own.
"What sort of rumors?" I knew that Mary didn't want to tell me but this was something she also knew I would not back down on.
"She told everyone that you were scared of the dark and you wanted to kill yourself. She said that everyone should try to convince you to do it. That way you wouldn't be a blight on all of us."
My mouth opened and closed in shock. I had no reply to her words. I stood there just staring at her trying to comprehend exactly how deeply I had changed my life with one slap.
It took me a minute to realize that Mary was telling me this as if she was still my friend. My eyebrow arched in confusion.
"Why are you telling me…"
"I like you Dani." she interrupted, "I haven't really liked Sarah in quite a while. She has been way too high and mighty for her own good. A lot of the girls are beginning to notice her attitude and they don't like it any more than I do. You have always been nice to me and I don't wish you any harm. I just thought you should know what was going on."
I nodded my head while thinking this over. "Thank you for telling me Mary. I'm glad there are some people who can act as an adult. I appreciate it."
The bell rang and she nodded while taking off for her first class. She was rounding the corner when she turned around and called out one more thing.
"I'll see you at lunch."
The words filled me up with hope for a second. I was not going to be thrown aside from our group of friends. Sarah would just have to realize that I was going to stay beside the people that I had spent three years growing up with.
Rumors come and go. I didn't concern myself with any of the ones flying around. I knew that they would soon find another person to talk about…especially if I just ignored the comments and snickers. It was hard though. I had no one close enough to talk to about it. I had friends still…but I didn't trust any of them enough to let them know how much pain I was in. They might construe it differently than what I was expressing.
My source of strength to carry on came from the most unexpected person for me. The rumors had been circling for a week when we had to watch a film in class. The lights were turned out and a voice from the back of the room made a snide comment about me freaking out. I nearly jumped out of my chair to go back and find out who had said it, just so that I could hurt them as deeply as everything I had been going through hurt me.
The teacher stopped me in time. She grabbed my arm before I even got halfway back. She told me to sit down and I refused. My arm was clenched tight in her grip when she forced me out the door. I was to be put in time out. The thought angered me. Films were the one thing I enjoyed most in school. It was the only time that you weren't concentrating on who did what and what dates they happened on. You could just sit there and watch the movie…and think about the few things that gave you pleasure in life.
I stood outside the door for five minutes before I realized that it had been my anger, MY hurt, which had forced me out of that room. It was my own fault for letting them get to me the way they had. The thought brought tears to my eyes.
I hate to cry. The taste of my own salt-water streaming down my face and running across my lips constituted as a weakness in my mind. I didn't want anyone to see that weakness. But this one time I couldn't suppress it. I curled up on the floor next to the room and cried. My face remained buried in my knees that I gripped tightly in my arms.
It took me a few minutes to realize I was no longer alone. Someone was sitting next to me. I turned my tear-streaked face towards the warmth, the comforting presence. It was Ely.
"Want to talk about it Dani?" His hazel-green eyes studied my face for a moment, our eyes locking.
"I wouldn't even know where to begin…" My voice cracked. I turned away so he wouldn't see the pain in my eyes as they welled up with tears again.
"I heard what she said about you Danielle. I don't know what to think about her attitude anymore. At first I thought it might be just a phase she was going through…but it's only gotten worse over the past year. I don't know how much more I can handle. I have enough pain in my life…I don't need her creating more."
His hand touched mine for a brief second and I felt a jolt of power. So few people touched me. I never allowed them close enough to do so. From him I didn't mind though.
"Danielle…are you going to be ok?" His voice showed real concern.
"I'm fine…" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. He jumped slightly at my words as if a shock had gone through his body at them. I couldn't figure out why. I stood, dusting off my pants…then offered him a hand to help him up. He took it gracefully and smiled as a thank you to me.
Ely began to walk away then turned suddenly and walked back. "Dani…you will be all right, right?"
"I told you I'm fine…" He didn't jump this time. Instead he laughed and locked eyes with mine.
"You may be sweet Dani…but you're a lousy liar and actor." Ely ran his hand down the side of my face, pinching my cheek in the journey.
"You're a sweet kid Dani. I almost wish…"
My throat closed up for a second until I realized he was kidding. "Ely…first of all, I am three months older than you. And second, don't say anything you're going to regret. I don't want you to feel obliged to me in any way. Can't we just say were friends and leave it at that?"
His eyes sparkled at my words.
"Older than me huh? What does three months make you smarter? Want to enlighten me with you knowledge of being older and wiser?"
I pulled away from him suddenly. I had just realized we were standing in the hallway of school with him holding my face in his hand. My eyebrows furrowed in frustration as I realized there was something I did need to enlighten him about. But I knew he wasn't prepared for what I needed to say.
"Ely…" I fought to control the dread I had of telling him what needed to be said.
His voice interrupted me suddenly… "Can you do me a favor? Call me Mykel? Only my closest friends call me Mykel and I consider you a close friend. Can you do that for me?"
I nodded my head then realized I still hadn't told him what I needed to.
"Mykel…I need all kidding aside. I have something to tell you."
He nodded his head as if to tell me to continue.
"Sarah has been seeing another guy for about two weeks. I hate to tell you this…but you need to know."
Mykel turned away for a moment then back to me. "I know. I love her but I don't think I can put up with much more of this. Thank you for telling me Danielle. I can see your heart is in the right place."
Mykel walked away. I knew that my confirmation was what he had been waiting for. I could understand him not saying goodbye to me. I knew he was in a deep stasis of thinking and only he could figure out what to do about her. The decision was up to him.
I never really got much of a chance to talk to Mykel in eighth grade again. We no longer shared a class like seventh grade. But eventually things worked out for him and Sarah. He decided the best option would be to just walk away while he still had his wits about him. He didn't really leave the group…but he was a lot quieter then he used to be.
Often I would be talking to one of the girls and I would look up to see his eyes locked on me. I never understood why he would do that. But time and again, those hazel eyes would clash against mine. With trepidation he would turn away when I caught him. It was a rare moment when we actually stayed locked in a gaze as intense as they could get.
I knew that my feelings for Mykel ranged deeper than I cared to admit. But there was nothing I would be able to do about it. We would be going to different high schools, and even he had to realize how difficult it was to keep a friendship up with someone who lived a few miles away. When you're that young a mile seems like a million.
I found myself alone in the afternoons. I would walk home from school…focusing on all the stuff I needed to finish before I could dwell in my own thoughts of depression and despair.
I still fought against my thoughts of loneliness. I wanted so badly to take my life and just fall back into the darkness that I so feared. I would concentrate on these thoughts in the long meandering walk.
My thoughts had taken on a different light lately. Turning away from death long enough to ask why I was finding myself staring at Mykel more and more often. I found my eyes wandering towards the pout of his lower lip. The soft dark locks of hair that seemed to fall into his eyes an awful lot. His eyes always expressed much more than anyone else seemed to notice as well. It was something that puzzled me more often than not.
I wasn't to find my answers anytime soon…
School ended without much of a fanfare for me. In reality I was happy to be ending the three years of memories of heartache and loss that I felt when there.
Despite the fact that Sarah still lived next door to me I didn't see her often.
I didn't think anything of middle school. I walked out of the school that last day and never looked back. I didn't want to concentrate on the summer either though. It would be four more months before I could turn my thoughts towards the better aspects in life. I could only hope to survive the summer months long enough to get back to school.
My friends disappeared that summer. I was left alone to my own devices. My mind wandered far and wide…always coming back to a question I refused to acknowledge. But just because I refused to say it existed didn't mean that I would get an answer.
It came to me on my birthday with the ringing of the phone. I was the only one home so my hand reached for it automatically. This was not normal for me. I hated phones and everything they represented.
"Hello?" A pause filled the other end of the phone. I was about to hang up when someone finally spoke.
"Danielle…is that you?"
It was Mykel. My breath caught in my throat, my eyes closing at the sound of his voice.
"Yeah it's me. Who is this?"
My voice cracked and I prayed he wouldn't be able to tell how nervous I was. It took a moment for me to realize I was acting like a fool. I was acting like a child who had just gotten its first sucker.
"Danielle, it's Mykel. Do you mind if I come over today?"
I almost didn't know what to say. But it only took a few seconds for me to realize why he wanted to come over. It wasn't for me…it was Sarah. He was hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl he was still in love with.
I knew his intentions were false, but still I relented. I couldn't see past my own immersion of him. I needed to see his eyes just one more time. Then I could refuse to see him again. That would be for the best.
"Sure…but only for a little while."
He was rushing me then. He said goodbye and hung up before I even got a chance to return the sentiment. So now I was stuck. Mykel was on his way over and I knew it was for her. But at least I would get to see him one more time. Even I deserved that much.
End Part I
