A/N: I wasn't really sure how to end this with it only being a drabble, so the ending is probably really crappy and I am so sorry for that.
Maya Matlin stared up at the looming hospital in front of her. Her sister, Katie, had dropped her off almost half an hour ago so that Maya could visit her boyfriend, Campbell Saunders. She had watched at least two ambos come and go, dropping off victims of who knows what kind of horrible thing that could happen. But nothing she could think of seemed to top the horrible thing that had happened to Cam, that he had done to himself. A few shaky breaths later, the young blonde finally start to make her way to the front entrance. As she walked, she started to feel more and more anxious about seeing Cam. She was almost scared of what she might see pertaining to his condition or what she might say to him, in spite of how much she loves him.
As she reached to push the door open, she realized how bad her hands were shaking, which only made her more nervous. Shaking it off, she quickly hurried inside and towards the nurse's station. A petite redheaded nurse was sitting there, typing away at the computer, not even looking up when Maya approached. Instead, she just glanced up before going back to her typing. "May I help you, miss?"
Maya opened her mouth, but nothing came out, only a inaudible whimper. Her hands were gripped on the counter so hard, her knuckles were white. It was in that moment of hesitation that she wished she would have taken Katie's offer of company. She needed someone with her right now to talk because words were all of nonexistent to her right now.
Noticing the hesitation, the nurse looked up, her brows furrowed. "Ma'am? Is everything okay?"
Quickly wiping at her watery eyes, Maya gave the nurse a nervous smile. She took a few breaths before speaking, or at least what was the closest she could get to speaking. "I, um...I'm l-looking for my, uh, my b-boyfriend."
Sympathy flooded the nurse's face as she abandoned her typing, leaning forward. She reached over and grabbed a box of tissues and handed them to Maya, who took them with a quiet thank you. The nurse bit her lip as Maya wiped at her eyes furiously. "What's his name, sweetie?"
Maya took a deep breath before looking up at the nurse, folding her tissue in her hands. "C-Campbell Saunders. He...he was...he..."
But it wouldn't come out. Maya couldn't bring herself to even speak the words her mother had told her yesterday morning.
"Maya, sweetie, I'm so sorry."
"Mom...what are you talking about? What's wrong?"
"It's Campbell. He, uh...he tried to kill himself."
"No...No, he's fine. Yesterday...last night...he was fine."
"I'm so sorry, sweetie."
The nurse was typing away furiously on her computer. Maya assumed it was to look for Cam's room, but she didn't ask. She kept quiet in fear that if she spoke, she would break down right there, embarrassing herself in front of complete strangers. When the nurse looked up, Maya held her breath. "Room 210. Hit level 3 in the elevator." As Maya nodded and mumbled a thank you, the nurse reached out to her. "I'm really sorry, sweetie. Just stay strong, okay?"
Without a word, Maya nodded again and headed towards the elevators. Just stay strong. She couldn't help but think that maybe if she told that to Cam, then he wouldn't have done what he did. Although, she knew it probably wouldn't have worked. After her mom told her the heartbreaking news, she looked up the warning signs of suicide and how to respond to a failed suicide. All of the signs were there, yet Maya didn't realize what they were until too late. In the elevator ride to Cam's floor, she went over all the articles she read. She reminded herself over and over again not to get mad because it might be another trigger. She had to pretend like nothing had happened, like everything was okay. She didn't want Cam to blame himself for her hurting, she just wanted him to be happy, to be okay.
As the elevator doors opened, Maya felt her breathing catch in her throat. 210 was just across the hall from the elevator. She slowly took a few steps forward, enough so that she wouldn't get caught in the doors. She stood in the middle of the hallway for a few moments, getting push my doctors and nurses trying to get to where they were supposed to be, yelling at her to move. But she couldn't move, her feet were frozen in place, her eyes locked on the open door of Cam's room.
Taking a deep breath, she finally decided to make her way into the room. Just as she reached the doorway, a tall brunette woman met her, almost breathless, but a smile on her face all the same. "Maya?"
Maya looked up at the woman, recognizing her as Cam's mother. She slowly nodded her head, not wanting to speak. Mrs. Saunders quickly pulled Maya into a hug. At first, the young blonde was caught off guard by this gesture, but she quickly relaxed and embraced the woman back. When they pulled away, Maya noticed the redness of Mrs. Saunders' eyes, assuming it was from crying over finding out her son had tried to take his own life. Maya watched as Mrs. Saunders wiped at her own eyes, giving Maya a quick smile before looking back into the room. Maya took the opportunity to peer inside as well, her eyes landing directly on a sleeping Campbell. A short whimper escaped Maya's throat as she noticed the bandages wrapped around his wrists, a few blotches of red on the one. Mrs. Saunders quickly looked back at the youngest Matlin, obviously hearing her whimper. She touched Maya's arm gently before moving outside the room, leaving Maya alone with Cam. Maya opened her mouth to protest, but Mrs. Saunders was already half way down the hall. Taking a shaky breath, Maya stepped into the room, leaving the door open for a quick getaway in case things went awry with her boyfriend, like they most usually did. She slowly made her way to Cam's beside, taking a seat in the chair left by his bed. She kept her hands glued in her lap and her eyes trained on the boy's face. He looked so peaceful, so pure as he slept, like he hadn't just tried to take his life away. Maya whimpered again as that thought entered her mind. Why couldn't she have made him happy? Happy enough to stay, to live, to keep fighting? She wasn't enough for him. She would never be enough for him. At this point, with the self-loathing thoughts now running through Maya's mind, she couldn't stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks. She bit her lip so she wouldn't sob because she knew that if she did, Cam would probably wake up and she didn't want him to see her cry, not like this. She bit her lip hard enough to where she tasted iron in her mouth. Whimpering again, she peeled her hands from her lap and bowed her head so that it lay in her hands, her body shaking from her tears.
"M?"
The blonde's head shot up at Cam's voice, her noises and tears coming to a complete stop. Even her breathing had stopped. Her eyes slowly drifted up to meet Cam's ever-present saddening gaze. She bit her lip again, staying silent. She couldn't speak, wouldn't speak. For if she did, she would break down right there like she had in her room the night before. Instead, she communicated the only way she knew how. She hesitantly reached out her hand for Cam to take. She watched his face as his hand found hers and she noticed him wince, the pain in his wrist probably coming from the sudden movement after sleeping. As his fingers interlocked with hers, she squeezed his hand as a private message that he would hopefully understand. She squeezed twice, paused, and then squeezed three times more.
It's okay. I love you.
Cam's lips slowly formed a small smile, his gaze drifting from the duo's interlocked hands to the young blonde's face. He watched her bite her lip, seeing where she had broken skin, the blood still present. He let out a sigh as he bit his own before speaking. "I'm sorry," he croaked out, tears welling up in his eyes. Maya felt tears well up in her own as she heard the strain in Cam's voice. What was she supposed to say? That it was okay? That it wasn't his fault? He was the one who had taken the blade of his skates to his own wrists. He was the one who had chosen to leave her. He was willing to abandon her, a clueless fourteen year old girl who had no experience with death besides a few goldfish being flushed down the toilet. All she could do was shake her head. She couldn't open her mouth, she wouldn't. She knew that all of her hurt feelings and damaged self-esteem would cause words to come flying out of her mouth that she didn't mean, that Cam didn't need to hear. Cam took her silence as crippling, only making him feel worse for choosing death over her. "Maya...please...say something," he said softly, desperation filling his tone.
At this, Maya looked at Cam - finally looked at him. She saw past the happy facade he had put on for the past fews months. She saw the broken, depressed boy who had been there all along. Hearing him say her name that way...it was like a bullet to the heart for the young girl. She wanted to scream at him, tell him that he had no right to be as sad as he is, that she was the one who would have been destroyed over this. Her hope would have disintegrated, her faith shaken, her life over - just because he didn't feel worthy enough to stay with her, to fight with her. But she kept her mouth shut, her gaze unwavering from his. Cam watched her expectantly, his eyes bloodshot from who knows what medicine the doctors were giving him for his pain. "You're upset...oh, Maya. I never wanted...you weren't...this had nothing to do with you," he said quietly.
Words threatened at the tip of Maya's tongue. She tried to speak with her eyes, but it was no use. Cam was still watching her with his big, brown puppy dog eyes. She quickly pulled her hand away from him and glued her hands back into her lap, her gaze dropping down to them. "Why?"
Cam stared at her, utterly confused at her one-worded response. At his silence, Maya looked up again. She lifted her hand, motioning for him to say something, anything. He looked away from her and repositioned himself on the pristine hospital bed. "I'm depressed, Maya. Or at least, that's what the doctors told my mom. Could you imagine? Having a doctor tell you your child, your...perfect, supposedly happy child is depressed?" Maya just watched him, confused. After a moment of silence, Cam looked back at Maya. "I was gonna leave a note," he told her. With this statement, Maya raised her eyebrows but kept quiet. "I was gonna tell you everything," he continued. "I was gonna tell you how scared I was to get close to you in fear of me doing something to hurt you. I was gonna tell you how much...how much I love you and how it scared the living crap out of me. I was gonna tell you that it wasn't your fault," he said, his voice cracking on the last word. Hearing this, Maya quickly moved her hand back up to Cam's. She hated herself for even thinking such horrible things, that she let her hurt feelings cloud her judgment. Cam was more than just sad, he wanted a way out of this life, a life that had given him so much pain, it was too much for him to bear. "It's okay if you hate me," he said quietly, averting his eyes from Maya's gaze.
Maya shook her head, tears welling up in her eyes again. "I could never hate you, Cam," she said softly. She didn't want what she was about to say sound harsh or cold, so she kept her voice soft and quiet. "I just don't...I don't get why you didn't tell me." She paused, watching as Cam's gaze drifted back to her and he tilted his head to the side, a sad look in his eyes. "I was so scared when I got the call. I mean, I was already scared before. You weren't answering my texts and no one knew where you were. I sat on the front steps of school for hours, Cam. I skipped the rest of my classes because I was worried about you. I thought...I thought maybe you were trying to leave again, like last time when you wouldn't answer my texts. I went to your billet house, but your billet mom said that you hadn't come home. So I started panicking. I looked everywhere for you, Cam, everywhere. But the next day, when I got the call from my mom...I don't get how the greenhouse never crossed my mind." She paused again, taking a deep breath. Her gaze still lingered on Cam, whose eyes were now filled with tears. Guilt filling her gut, she quickly looked back down at their interlocked fingers. "You know what the first thing that crossed my mind was?" She said, slowly looking up at him. He shook his head, his mouth staying shut. "I thought that there was no way that you could have done what you did," she continued. "You were always so happy around me and Tristan and Tori. But then I remembered when you told me you were sad. When you told me that...I thought you just had a bad day and that tomorrow you would wake up and be back to normal. But you didn't. I don't know what's worse - the fact that you tried to...kill yourself or the fact that I was too careless to notice how sad you were."
"You have to understand that this had nothing to do with you," he said quickly through his tears. Maya slowly nodded her head, scooting her chair closer to the bed. "You weren't careless, Maya. I was just...never sad around you." At this, Maya smiled for the first time since the horrid phone call from her mom. She had felt like she was the problem, that she wasn't enough for Cam. When in reality, she was all Cam needed. "I meant what I said, that I was happy with you. You were honestly the only thing that kept me going everyday. But this whole week...between Dallas and Zig..." He trailed off, dropping his gaze from Maya. He wasn't sure how Maya would react to him bringing up Zig, but Maya kept her mouth shut. "I lost it, and I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I just...I love you so much, Maya," he said, his voice cracking again.
Without even thinking, Maya jumped out of her chair and threw her arms around Cam. After a few seconds, Cam slowly returned the embrace. The pain in his wrists made him wince, but he didn't care. All he cared about was the girl holding him - Miss Maya Matlin. One of his first friends at Degrassi, the girl who gave him his first fun night in Toronto with karaoke, the girl who he would do anything for - his first love. He made a silent promise to himself to never let her get away from him. If he was gonna stay here, he was gonna do it for her, for his family. Not for the team, not for anything else. After a few seconds, Maya pulled away from the hug, wiping at her eyes. Her gaze dropped to Cam and she smiled. And he smiled back. It wasn't one of his petty fake smiles, it was genuine. Suddenly, a thought entered his mind and he pointed over to the corner of the room. "The bag over there - can you get it?" Maya nodded and retrieved the bag, setting it in Cam's lap after he sat up in the bed. He slowly zipped it open, the pain in his wrists still a bit unbearable. After a few moments of rummaging through the bag, he pulled out a small plushed owl.
"Hoot!" Maya exclaimed, taking the stuffed animal from Cam as he handed it to her. She hugged it close to her and beamed down at Cam. He gave her a small smiled, setting the bag off to the side. Maya looked down at the bird before holding it back out to Cam. "Keep it. You need it more than I do."
Cam shook his head, pushing the owl back towards the blonde. "No, that's yours," he said, reaching for her free hand. "I just need you."
With a smile, Maya set Hoot down on the chair beside the bed and leaned forward to give Cam a long, soft kiss. When she pulled away, Cam reached up to touch her cheek. Maya set her hand on top of his. "I love you so much, okay? Promise me next time you think about doing this, you call me. Deal?" She said, leaning her forehead against his.
He nodded slowly, biting his lip. "I promise," he said. And he meant it. He was gonna try his best not to reach this low ever again, but if he did, he needed to remember that Maya was here for him, that she was always here for him. "I love you, too, M."
