Amaya x Kushina

Synopsis: "In carnage, she blooms like a flower in the dawn." That's one way to describe the Nine Tail's jinchuuriki. One could also say she's a deadly kunoichi who plies her trade so exemplary that one could say she's artistic...or absolutely sadistic. But she wasn't always Amaya. What has fate in store for this poor soul? Yuri/femslash. Uzumakicest.

A/N: Welcome to my (ugh second) rewrite of my 'Kitsune' fic! Instead, here's an overhaul with not only more words per chapter but 'Kitsune' and 'Demon Clan of Uzushiogakure' have merged into one fanfiction. By the end of this project, I'm hoping to break 500k words. Even 1 million words would be quite an accomplishment. I'm counting on all of you to support me to the end.

By the way, it's a strict monogamy fic. Sorta. Maybe. Who knows what I'll actually do. What I do know is this: It's yuri, aka girl on girl or otherwise known as femslash. Reviews are like crack to me. Let's see... No harem, no debates (threesomes don't count). So without any further delays or interruptions, enjoy!

Many followers of DCOU (or Demon Clan of Uzushiogakure expanded) were looking forward to seeing a mother/daughter sexual pairing, so that's on the table. It's what the plan is.

Vote!

Rated M for mature/adult content including forbidden relationships, sex, explicit language, murder, blood, gore and other ideologically insensitive content. You've been warned here and there will not be any warnings before things happen. So deal with it or fuck off.

Edit [06/11/2017]: I wanted to start the fanfic off a little earlier, so that's why I deleted the story content until I could post this. Sorry for the wait dears.

Naruto franchise belongs to Masashi Kishimoto. All names and occurrences are merely a coincidence!

かぐや おつつき

Chapter I

Rubbing his eyes blearily, Naruto barely registered someone calling his name. It wasn't until after the fifth time the young thirteen year old had heard someone saying 'Naruto'. It turned out to be one of the forest snakes whom had made themselves comfy in the cave he'd been using as shelter. Many animals in the mutated forest often learned to speak the human tongue...granted their anatomy had the capacity to do it.

He shooed the little reptile and reflected inward once more.

'Why Itachi?' he whispered to himself. It was the fourth anniversary of the day when the Uchiha clan was massacred. Only Mikoto Uchiha and her son, Sasuke had survived. Unscathed for the most part. Physically, they would be fine. Each year, the young Nine-Tail's jinchuuriki had one day where he would grieve for the deaths of the Uchiha clan. Every time, a little more of his humanity died and the demonic influence of the malefic chakra beast inside grew stronger on him. But this day, he was painfully sober in sorrow.

Flashback

Naruto PoV

I first met that strange man when I was merely three years old. Barely beyond an infant, yet alone on the streets. I'd been crying with red and blotchy eyes, but faking a smile. The same day when I had been ousted from the orphanage.

"What are you doing out so late, little fox?" he had asked. But unlike the villagers, the way the masked ANBU had said it, felt endearing. It wasn't hateful, but rather fond of me. I felt like I could trust this one.

Sniffling, I had said, "N-no reason mister."

Of course he hadn't bought it at all. Now that I reflected on it, I'd been terrible at lying as a little girl. He chastised me, "It's impolite to fib to your peers. Spill it."

"I'm sorry Weasel-san, I didn't mean to bother you," came my younger self's timid squeak. "I-the mean lady at the orphanage kicked me out. She said demons don't deserve to live under the same room as human children."

Holding out a hand that dwarfed my own then and now, the black haired man had said, "That's terrible. You're a smart young boy and those monsters aren't deserving of your company. Come, you can live in the hidden tree house I built when I was younger. And tomorrow, we can talk to Hokage-sama about getting you your own place."

It was from that day, we became friends. The raven haired man taught me so many jutsu that was well beyond what a genin would know. I happily lived in the treehouse until the Hokage found out and put me into an apartment. But my contentment was not last.

It wasn't until after my secret sensei defected from Konoha had I learned of his identity. Itachi Uchiha, a prodigy. An ANBU captain at 19. And knowing his accomplishments only made me yearn for him even more. But I was conflicted; he had done a bad thing, but he had also brought me out of my despair. He couldn't be all that bad, could he? My pseudo brother just wasn't evil!

After a close call with a drunken villager trying to rape me (apparently mistaking me as a girl), I retreated into the Forest of Death where I made it my home. It was scary at first, but the animals all either left me alone or culled the loneliness found to follow my seclusion. And some time in the first three months I tried surviving, Kyushira-sama made contact. When she showed her face, I learned the cold hard fact why more than half the village hated me and were always hounding for my blood.

They Great Kyuubi no Yoko had thought me weak and she refused to converse. Every time I entered my mindscape, she ignored me. At first, it infuriated me to the point of lunacy in desperation to have at least one friend. Then I schemed. So to make her my friend, she announced I was officially claimed as her pet; and her, my mistress.

I accepted these terms in a heartbeat. While I had not known exactly what it meant at first, I was happy to have attention even though it meant brutally rigorous training. First, she beat it into me how to perform the shadow clone technique as well as the more difficult blood clone wherein Ojou-sama inhabited to train me in taijutsu. She had also taught me specialized genjutsu and standard chunin rank ninjutsu.

Humans, I feared them at first, but I grew to despise them. Warmongering and hateful; afraid of what they possibly could not understand. There was plenty of choice adjectives to fuel the fiery hatred. To me, humans would always be inferior. All except jiji and Mikoto. But I would never admit that to anyone.

xxxx

Tears dried on the boy's round cheeks as he, or something pulled himself back to reality. He hadn't cried in years, which frustrated him to no end.

'Kit..."

'Yes, Kyu-sama?' chirped the toned, lean teen as he looked at the small blonde haired male in the stolen mirror. Tanned skin spanned all over his taut body from extreme training no normal human could possibly endure. His eyes sparkled azure blue; epitome of the ocean while the thin ring around his irises licked down the spectrum to a deep forest green flecked with ghostly gray. Three whisker like birthmarks adorned his cheeks, giving him the appearance of being a wild animal. He stood at five foot three. Small, but deadly. That was how he liked it. Better to be underestimated than to be taken as a high priority threat as soon as someone would look at ya.

'You've spent long enough hiding in the forest. Naruto-kun, it's time for you to return to the humans. You cannot bring glory to me by being cooped up with forest animals as friends. It's bad enough you gained my sadistic streak,' chastised the behemoth of a fox. Usually, she didn't mind his oddities, but the fluffy demon probably wanted to see civilization again. Not that she wasn't content with the cave and the trees. A small part of him did want to see the humans again.

Snuggling into the massive python that he was currently using as a pillow, Naruto replied, "Ugh, fine. You've been obnoxiously insistent that I ought to reintegrate with the humans. Fine. If you really want me to become a Leaf shinobi, I will. But you'll owe me!"

"Fine. This makes two favors I owe you."

With a yawn, Naruto told her, "I'll do it tomorrow. Hebimaru is too comfy."

The vixen's irritated voice thundered in his cranium, "Don't test me! I said now! And don't forget to hide your ears and tails, young man! They might be my gift to you, but humans still believe I attacked for no reason. They would harshen their treatment upon seeing your two beautiful tails."

"Yeesh, fine. Don't get your panties in a twist."

Said comment blew a fuse in the demon fox's temper, spewing an impressive bout of obscenities that'd make even the saltiest sailor blush at the profanity displayed by Naruto's passenger. Best of all, it didn't phase the thirteen year old in the slightest.

Saying his goodbyes to the animals that did join in his shelter, the jinchuuriki made his way out of the Spartan cave and towards the village. On the way, he passed the animal corpses impaled on wooden stakes. It had taken the off-kilter child weeks to catch the variety of animals and right sized logs. strips of boiled leather strapped the macabre decoration to the posts. What bones he didn't use as a detection rattle had been turned into fortune telling bones for when he got bored.

In the opinion of the demon fox of legend: Lovely decor!

Xxxxx

Friday the thirteenth of June was a wonderful day to the people native to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The air was a tepid seventy seven degrees with very sparse clumpings of clouds dotting the skies. Every so often, a zephyr would roll in on the evening winds to shed warmth upon the citizens of Konoha before the moon swallows the sun to give way to night. A typical day in the Land of Fire.

The Hokage was about to leave for the day and along the way, pay his respects to those who had sacrificed their lives to protect their village. A clone of Naruto's had scouted the week before and learned the old man's schedule before making a move.

An hour earlier, the young blonde had relocated from his original perch on the Yondaime's head to the roof. His handstitched leather boots protected his calloused feet from searing on the dark clay tiles baked hot from the generous rays of the sun.

Moving to sit on the windowsill, Naruto disabled his Chameleon jutsu and whispered, "Boo!"

The weary old man gave a start, clutching his heart at the scare. With a growl, he ordered the teen to come in. Why did every single one of his his more eccentric soldiers always pop in through the window!? Perhaps he should start locking it to dissuade from the habit.

Once inside, Hiruzen activated privacy seals. Then he demanded, "How are you even still alive?! No one has been able to find you for six years! Naruto Menma Uzumaki! You explain yourself right now!"

With a smile that appeared innocent, the vertically challenged teen replied, "Oh Jiji, don't be so naive. Kyuubi-sama kept me alive. And then the foxes raised me and both helped teach me to be a ninja. It hasn't been pleasant, but pretty fun. She's worse than you, especially when I first started her survival training. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm at least chunin level."

"The foxes?" he repeated.

With a crazed chuckle, the blonde replied, "Oh yeah, I keep forgetting none of the shinobi ever found me in the Forest of Death. I've always been pretty stealthy. If ninja got too close, I'd knock em out and take some of their equipment. Or if they tried to catch me, they died a most painful death. Ah but I bet their captains chalked it up to carelessness. Anyways, back on track." The future fox sage paused to inhale a fat lung full of air. "Y'see, I found the Kitsune Summoning Contract. Or rather, . Ooh, before I forget, say hi to the old man, Nazuna~"

"Greetings, Lord Hokage," replied the smallish black and silver fox. "I'm pleased to make your acquaintance."

Said elderly man just blinked a few times. Once at the familiar and then at the Fourth's son. Then he pinched the bridge of his nose as if he'd made a connection of some sort.

"You look-"

Holding a hand up, Naruto finished the sentence for the weary old man, "Like my father, but very much like my mother? I know."

Rolling his eyes, the God of Shinobi snorted, "I was going to say well. Not even jonin can live in Training Ground 44 for six years and come out unscathed. Not that anyone except you would ever want to. But yes, you bear a striking resemblance to your mother. The only difference being your hair is spun like sunshine and you're developing faster than she did. She was..-ahem- not as chesty as you at your age. Wait, did you always have breasts?"

Hefting his C cup breasts the now feminine ninja seemed to have grown sometime between initiating conversation and a few moments ago, Naruto smirked, "Oh, my tits are pretty great. Look at these girls!"

Of course the old man blanched.

"HAHAHA!" snickered the mischief-maker, canceling the transformation technique and returning to his base form. "Gotcha good old man! You totally fell for my partial Oiroke no Jutsu!" To prove his point, the thirteen year old male transformed himself into a very buxom blonde woman with curves in all the right places, yet the face held a naive innocence. Quintessentially, the perfect object of any straight man's desire.

A few minutes passed before the elderly man across from me spoke once more, wiping away a nosebleed for some reason. "That's uh ... an impressive technique. It...is very effective. I'd like you to use it sparingly." After a few minutes passed, Hiruzen called out, "Neko."

A woman wearing a porcelain mask with feline features appeared into the open. Naruto almost kicked himself in the ass for forgetting there was always always at least four ANBU guarding the Village Leader. No self respecting elite force would be caught dead leaving their beloved dictator unattended. "Yes, Lord Hokage?"

"Do you remember little Naruto here?"

"Fuck you old man!" came the long haired teen's vicious snarl. "I'm not little, I'm just vertically challenged. If you ever call me little again, I swear I'll cut your fucking nuts off!"

With a noticeable cringe, the elderly man responded, "Dully noted."

Yugao was a little astonished to see the boy she'd once been watching over on the streets. Oh Naruto had been very much aware of the 'protection' detail jiji had assigned to keep an eye on him. More than once, the child had either roped his silent guardians into playing pranks on the village or manipulating them into teaching him something he hadn't known prior to his begging.

'How on Earth did he become such a foul mouthed boy?' The swordswoman coughed as she cleared her throat, "I do. It seems like he's grown a lot. What do you need me to do?"

"Simple. I want you to become his sister."

At those words, Naruto grew eerily quiet. All his life, he'd believed nobody wanted him. After all, who'd want an orphaned demon? Well no one except Itachi but he was gone. He murdered his entire clan. But of course, the blonde thought it wasn't the whole truth.

"W-would you really become my onee-chan?" came the son of the Yellow Flash's query, his voice so soft, both of the two others in the room nearly missed the barely audible question. It wasn't often he opened himself to vulnerability of the heart. But the hope was possibly worth the risk.

Kneeling down to make eye contact with him, the purple haired kunoichi removed her mask and said softly, as her eyes twinkled with kindness, "Of course. Naruto, I've always felt as though I should have adopted you when it was apparent no one else was able. Two years ago, Lord Sarutobi overruled the elders and civilians for your custody. It was supposed to happen sooner, but someone didn't want to be found. Sneaky little man."

"I would like to warn you of Master's...sadistic personality. He has his sweet moments but I'd be on guard around him/her if I were you," spoke the adorably cuddly fox kit coiled around the blonde's neck, changing the subject.

With a soft whine, the survivalist scolded his familiar, "Shush Nazuna! You're not supposed to warn them!"

While Yugao was visibly sweating, the old man just chuckled. Then his face darkened when he realized the sun kissed jinchuuriki was probably liable to instill additional paperwork. To this, the blonde merely cackled.

Hiruzen spoke again. "Yugao, the genin will be sorted into teams of three within a few days to a week's time. Use the time until then to get to know the boy, take him on an all expenses paid shopping trip. My treat. It's best he reintegrates smoothly." Handing the adult woman a card, he said, "Dismissed. I have a lot of paperwork to reinstate you as Konoha shinobi. And bringing you back from the 'dead'. And no, you have to be a genin first before you climb the ladder. No exceptions."

"Killjoy," came his unhappy scoff.

As Naruto left via the window, he had caught tears falling down the old man's face. He didn't let it be known that it hadn't gone unnoticed. But perhaps someday he would address to him in the future. If he felt like it. He'd been tempted to tell him about the gifts Kyu-sama had bestowed upon him, but a ninja does need his secrets.

XXXX

The next day was devoted to many tasks. Early morning, the blonde had gone on a run; several laps around the inside perimeter of Training Ground 44. While he did have to be on the lookout for gnarled roots, quicksand and other hazards, the young ninja wa also alert for foolish predators looking for an easy meal.

After a hearty breakfast prepared over an open flame, it was then he had decided to finally pack up his belongings. It had only taken an hour to seal what few affectations in the forest shack he had built over the years. The rest of the day had been devoted to training.

It was early evening when Naruto got home. To his new home.

Under the welcome mat was a small silver key which was presumed to be a spare his newest sister had hidden in order to let him in if she wasn't there when he was ready. Once inside, a small mudroom had three pairs of footwear already there. One empty space was labeled 'ANBU sandals'. Soon enough, his own shoes sat neatly by the others. He might live there now, but he still needed to treat the home with respect.

As he went in further, the small alcove opened up into a rectangular sitting room. It seemed the kitchen and dining area were fused into one area. Off to the side revealed a pair of bedrooms with an adjoining bathroom.

While it wasn't much of an apartment, he knew that. But with the distinctly overall feminine vibe peppered with that of a warrior, it was certainly well lived in. Memories in the form of framed photos of people he didn't know dotted the top of one medium sized bookshelf that rose half way towards the ceiling.

A small white square caught the boy's attention. There under a fruit filled half sphere of hollowed clay. Lifting the bowl weighing the flimsy paper, he brought it up close. The note read:

At the market, be home soon.

~Yugao

Though he wasn't the most stable in state of mind, Naruto felt it would be nice to cook dinner for the new family member, even if they weren't related by blood. It was the least he could do for his new sister.

xxxx

When Yugao returned from patrol detail around the Hokage Tower, she strode in only to inhale a heavenly scent wafting in from what she believed to be the kitchen. Her apartment had a very unique key and reinforced windows. So only one person with the spare could be in her home.

"Naruto? That you in there?"

A warm voice rumbled, "In here Nee-chan."

Kicking her sandals off into the right slot, the purple haired jonin hung up her flak jacket and proceeded into her apartment. As Yugao turned the corner, she was met with a surprise.

"Oh my goodness! You made dinner?" she asked as she set the paper bag of groceries on the counter. Her new brother was gracious enough to help her put away the fresh vegetables, meat and other food items before turning her back to the stove.

Though mischievous, his grin was genuine. "That I did." Flourishing a tanned hand to the rice cooker and the pot simmering on the stove, he elaborated, "I decided to go with simple because it's what I know best. Anyways, simple sticky rice and meat curry, I spiced it with what I could find in your cupboard. That would be curry powder, ginger root, finely julienned onion slivers, minced garlic and a little extra turmeric. The sauce is pureed mango, ginger and a pinch of salt."

Finding herself being pushed down at the table, the young kunoichi of twenty something blushed as her stomach growled. Soon, a plate filled with rice, vegetables, a protein all drizzled in a tangy spiced simmered sauce. As she dug into her meal, Yugao nearly moaned at the flavor explosion occurring on her tongue.

"What kind of meat did you say this was?"

In a small whisper, the blonde mischief maker whispered, "Sis, that would be giant tiger." If she had looked up, she would have seen the evil spark of triumph in the jinchuuriki's icy blue eyes.

Slowly putting her chopsticks down, Yugao grimaced. Had she known it was an exotic, unknown flesh being served to her, she would have declined. Politely, but nonetheless, it wigged her out. A small voice in her brain reasoned that just because it was unconventional, didn't make it any less tasty. Her mother had drilled manners into her from a young age, even when she had become a kunoichi. "It's good," she said quietly.

"There's more in the freezer. Some cuts are similar to beef chuck while there's also jerked python, caiman flank, choice steak cuts as well as some ground cat as well. It's all quite lean. The fattest and best tasting ones live in the Forest of Death."

Frowning, the dark haired swordswoman asked, "How can a thirteen year old butcher savage animals and then also have the knowledge to cook a complex dish?"

"I learned a lot in my seclusion." Nothing more was to be spoken about that subject. Yugao had prodded but Naruto gave have no leeway to let the cat squirm into that nook of information.

After the two finished off the remaining rice and curry, both Yugao and Naruto collaborated on washing dishes. The former scrubbed and rinsed each plate, pot or article of cutlery whilst the later

For a while, the swordswoman helped her new brother settle in next to her own bedroom. When the bed was made and belongings and clothes were pushed onto the shelves and into drawers, the two ended up talking about random topics for a few hours. That was until the cat masked woman yawned and bid the blonde a good night.

XXxX

The next morning was the day, Naruto was to go to the academy to be put into a three man genin squad. It had taken little persuasion to get the old man to agree that he could 'graduate' with the rest of the academy students his age.

Yesterday, he had allowed (not that he'd had much if a choice) his mistress to pick what his shinobi outfit would be. Temporarily, Naruto had allowed her to assume control and pick out what she wanted the young genin to wear. It turned out to be a pair of coal hued knee length shorts, black Shinobi sandals, matching gloves and a black fishnet shirt that did little to hide the rippling muscle barely contained by taut flesh.

On his hip was a chakra steel nodachi scaled down to fit his size but still fairly large. At least it wouldn't drag on the ground. On his lower back, he belted an o-tanto.

But then he had transformed his current outfit into something befitting the biggest failure of a ninja would wear: a kill-me orange and blue jumpsuit. Taking it a step further, he even transformed himself mentally into a ditzy blonde. Oh, everyone would flip when it turned out he wasn't a loser at all. A brilliant plan indeed.

"Oh good, you're up, Naru-kun. I was...what the hell?"

A groggy Yugao was in a baggy pair of sweatpants that barely hung into her svelte hips. A too tight t-shirt clung to her petite curves. She had come out from around the corner and seemed to have a very confused expression on her face.

With a mischievous grin, the sun kissed blonde merely told her, "Nee-chan, please call me Naruto. It's bad enough half the village mistakes me for my demon mother. Second, I'm only looking like this because I want to get a drop on my new sensei. "

"Go easy on Kakashi-" Yugao was absolutely mortified at her slip of the tongue.

"Ah ha!" yipped the foxy blonde in triumph. His sister let it slip who my jonin instructor was. "Don't worry. I won't hurt him...too much." Maniacal laughter echoed down the hall as Naruto left to meet up with one of the blacksmiths in town that didn't hate him.

XXxX

After his meeting with the blacksmith (Naruto had asked for a custom piece; a pair of gloves he had bought a week ago had been shredded by Kyu-sama's chakra. So he asked for an adamantium and chakra steel pair of clawed gauntlets. Those however, probably wouldn't be done for a few months considering how rare the main materials needed were) Naruto went straight to the academy to see Choji and Shikamaru waiting for him outside. They showed him the way to the classroom and they were one of the first three to arrive; Naruto was surprised that the lazy cloud had remembered him pre-seclusion.

For a while the three academy graduates just talked as the room filled up. It seemed some of the fangirls had noticed Sasuke look at him yesterday and today, the disguised genin was on the receiving end of their hate filled glares. He wanted to tell them off but as Naruto was about to, Sakura and Ino came barreling through the door.

"I win Ino Pig," Sakura screeched so loud he had to cover his sensitive (and hidden fox) ears. "Sasuke is mine."

"I was clearly here first," Ino yelled back.

"Can you both shut it," Naruto growled harshly. This took them both by surprise.

"What did you say?" Sakura asked as she walked over to to him as if she owned the place. The immature girl cracked her knuckles in an intimidating manner but it bothered Naruto very little, if at all.

"You heard me," the blonde said, slowly standing and turned to Ino. "Ino you're nice but you should know how a Kunoichi of this village acts. I am sure you will act accordingly on missions away from what starts this but fighting for the attention of a boy is ridiculous. If they don't pay attention as long as you two, or any of you fangirls, have been trying then you aren't what he is looking for in a woman."

Ino looked slightly embarrassed but she knew the other blonde was indeed correct. Leaf Kunoichi were some of the top in the field and the way they were acting could put shame to the village if this was a mission. Sakura was a whole other story and she was snickering at Naruto chastising Ino.

"Don't even get me started on you," said Naruto forcibly which caused her to stop. "You may not be from a ninja family but from what I have heard you are the top Kunoichi in the program. Clients think being top makes you special and they are likely to hire the team with the top students. You act this way on a mission you could give a bad rep to all the Kunoichi coming out of this program or get yourself and team killed."

"This part is for everyone to hear now," Naruto said moving into their view. "As of yesterday we started a path to become ninja. Doing this very well means we can die doing our jobs. Missions can get classed wrong or change with a new threat. Wars start because another country decides they want something another has claim to. In our lifetimes we are bound to bury a friend, a loved one, or a sensei that die in the line of duty. Many of you probably think it won't happen. That because we are one of the strongest villages, it can't happen to us. We have been lucky and have lived our whole lives in peace. I on the other hand have spent the last year and half living in a place that has been declared inhospitable to humans. My mother came from a village that was once strong and feared by their enemies. It was that strength and fear that made their enemies feel they had to destroy them before the last war. The records showed the village had 700 active ninja and pretty much all of the retired or non ninja members of the clan that ran the village stayed to fight and all my mother found was 425 when there was likely close 1,000 when you add in those who stayed to fight. 35 of those she found had their name etched into their village headband. The rest were buried nameless as they either didn't have their name on the plate, weren't ninja but stayed to fight, or where among the 5 children she had found that weren't even able to be ninja yet. I lost both my parents in this line of work thirteen years ago. That is the reality we are facing now. So stop acting like children and face the facts."

"A little more detail then I was going to say." Several ninja turned their heads to see who Naruto presumed was Iruka Umino. Much like the Nara he had his hair up into a spiky ponytail and across his nose was a large scar. He had overseen the young Uzumaki's pair of clones study everything he had missed in the few years of the academy he had skipped the day before. Apparently, it had been absolutely quintessential that he learn history before being allowed to be a genin. Bah, Kyu-sama could teach him more than those stuffy textbooks. "But a very good speech nevertheless."

"Sorry Iruka Sensei," the unstable blonde said, bowing to him.

"Naruto, I presume," he said with a smile. It was nice to see no ill intent coming from him but the sensei behind him was another story. From how he looked that would have to be Mizuki.

"Yes sir," came a terse quip. Short, but still respectful...if perhaps a little mocking.

"Well since you had such a nice speech about the reality of the life you all chose I guess you saved me from doing my full speech," he said "Now why don't you take a seat so I can do my bit."

"Yes sir,"" he repeated and sat next to the Uchiha. The crybaby seemed to have grown up since the two had last seen each other.

"Now what Uzumaki-san said is true and I hope you all take his words seriously. We live in a time of peace but it won't always be that way. And if by some miracle you do stay out of war there is still many dangerous missions," he said walking to the center of the room. Iruka continued. "Now, you will be split into teams of three-"

"Why trios?" asked some kid across the room in an obnoxiously nasally voice.

"Because your mom's a skank," snipped the instructor. Several of the less mature genin couldn't help but but stifle a laugh.

"At least I have a mom!"

Frowning, the chunin said, "Ah, touche. Anyways, moving on. Team 7 will consist of Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha and...oh god." Iruka sighed. "Naruto Uzumaki." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Your Jonin sensei is Kakashi Hatake."

The just announced blonde looked over to see that obnoxious pink banshee screeching with joy as she shouted, "Good things do happen to bad people-I mean yay!"

'She's going to be useless..' Naruto muttered through the telepathic link to his beloved mistress. A quick glance to Sasuke and he nodded. A facepalm at how horrible their team was.

With a soft snort, the fox retorted, 'That's putting it lightly, little one.'

"Next, Team 8 under Kurenai Yuhi is Kiba Inuzuka, Hinata Hyuuga and Shino Aburame," continued the the youthful looking chunin.

"Team 9 from last year is still in circulation."

Looking back at his clipboard, the chunin continued, "And finally, Team 10 serving under Asuma Sarutobi is Choji Akimichi, Ino Yamanaka and Shikamaru Nara." After he had said a few more words of congratulations, he left.

While the other senseis had arrived quite promptly to pick up their brand new teams, our heroes' own was strangely absent. Since more than ten minutes had passed, he decided to set up an evil prank.

Three hours later, the sensei had finally arrived. Naruto woke from his nap the moment when he sensed the new presence, opening his eyes in time to see the paper door open. A trap-wire activated to release a splash of pink paint that dyed the silver haired jonin's locks the girliest shade possible. But that wasn't all. A second step inward tripped another trap that launched a weighted rubber ball to launch from a hidden panel on the floor right into the man in the crotch, forcing him to one knee.

"My first impression is... I hate you," deadpanned the one eyed scarecrow, holding his coconuts in minor discomfort as he rose back to his feet.. "Quit playing around and meet me on the roof in five minutes." Then he disappeared.

"Naruto! You idiot! You went and upset our sensei!" scolded Sakura meanly, moving to smack the blonde. But she never got the chance to wind up a deadly left hook.

With a single handsign to gather chakra, the blonde shunshinned, leaving both Sasuke and Sakura to eat his dust.

Kakashi was a little surprised at the speed which the idiot prankster was able to follow. Only several seconds behind himself. Maybe the child wasn't as much of a dunce as he thought. Naruto's file had the barest detail whilst saying what few years he had attended had given him low scores. But there were also several pages encoded with chakra but he hadn't been given clearance for that yet.

"I want you three to introduce yourselves, likes, dislikes and dreams for the future. Get to know each other and what not," he mused.

Sakura peeped nervously, "Why do you show us how it's done?"

For a moment, the one eyed scarecrow had almost told the pink haired banshee to stuff a sock in it. She was supposed to be the booksmart one of his team. But instead, he said in the laziest manner possible, "I'm your jonin sensei, Kakashi Hatake. I like a few things and don't particularly dislike a lot. I have many hobbies. My dream...I haven't really given it much thought."

"All you told us was your name!" screeched the fan girl.

"Ah, looks like we have a volunteer. You're up first, pinky," smirked the spiky haired jonin from behind that infuriatingly mysterious mask.

Sitting up a little bit, the civilian born kunoichi chirped with an obnoxious shrillness, "My name is Sakura Haruno, I'm twelve years old. I like heating beating up puppies, stealing candy from babies. My hobby is," she glanced at the Last Uchiha and giggled surreptitiously. "My goal of the future is..." Gazing at the Rookie of the year with stalkerish adoration, Sakura squealed in delight. "As for my dislikes, I hate that idiot Naruto and Ino-pig."

Shaking his head, Kakashi groaned. "Ugh. You're next emo shitlord."

Sasuke glared at his sensei before speaking, hands steepled like a cliche villain, "My name...is Sasuke, Uchiha. I don't particularly like anything but I hate many things. It's not so much as a dream, but a goal. I need to get strong enough to kill a certain man. Then, I will restore my clan and bring glory to it."

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki and my dream is to be the the best of the best. Better than that asshole Minato. So I'mma become Hokage!" yelled Naruto in the most obnoxious tone he could drop his voice to before the one eyed scarecrow could give me a shitty nickname. "Unlike Lord Mc Broody there, I hafta find a certain man and ask him some questions. I love ramen, reading and playing with animals. I hate perverts, lazy schmucks and people who lack the decency to show up on time."

After his students were finished with introductions, Kakashi thought to himself as a palm glued to his face in utter disappointment, 'Great, I get a fangirl, an emo avenging shitcake, and an insane duplicate of sensei's wife. Why Kami? What did I do to deserve this?'

"We can hear you sensei," Sakura pointed out that their sensei had thought verbally than inside his head like he was supposed to.

Drawing out of his daze, Kakashi said, "Ahem, forget what I said. Anyways, meet me at training ground 7 at six am sharp. Oh, and don't even think about eating breakfast. You'll just end up vomiting. Now get out of here."

As their sensei pulls out an orange book and giggled perversely, Naruto shook his head. He was going to enjoy kicking Kakashi's was. If he just so happened to 'expire' during the test, that was alright with him. It would even be fantastic!

A/N: And that my darling kits, was the pilot!