Warning: Since Peter is sixteen in this story, it almost warrants an "underage" warning. There is no 'on screen' sexual harassment or assault happening, but attempts at unwanted groping is discussed and could be interpreted as slash, considering that both characters are male. Judge for yourself whether you want to read this story with that in mind.

Finally, there is one very bad word. As Captain America would say: "Language!"

And it was really difficult to categorize this story. Ever since Captain America Civil War (which really should have been called Avengers Civil War) it's hard to draw the line between the different fandoms.


There were certain situations Tony got into with Parker which he would never admit to. If someone asked him about them on his deathbed, he would deny that they ever happened. The Deadpool situation was one of those. It started innocently enough:

"So... have you heard about Deadpool?"

Peter was looking shifty though, so the situation clearly wasn't as innocent as Tony liked to believe.

"Crazy mercenary, yep." Tony narrowed his eyes at him. "Did you meet him? Whose side was he on? You may want to get out of his way, I think he's more than you can handle."

"Ha ha!" Peter laughed, and he sounded half sarcastic and half nervous. "I'm trying to stay out of his way, but he won't let me. He keeps trying to grab my ass."

"Excuse me?!" Tony straightened, eyes suddenly sharp and overall looking very close to putting on his suit.

"It's ... kind of embarrassing."

"It's sexual harassment of a minor, that's what it is!" Tony declared loudly.

"Wow, you know that concept? I wasn't planning on reporting him, it would just be good if he stopped following me around and keeping me from doing my job."

"He'll stop following you around right after I've given him the worst beating of his life with my suit," Tony decided. "Does he know you're underage?"

"Would you stop emphasizing that? You slept with TAs who had ten years on you when you were sixteen at MIT. Don't deny it, it's on Wikipedia. And Wikipedia is always right."

Tony shot him a withering look.

"That was nothing at all like what Deadpool is doing. I was mentally very mature-"

"Wait just a minute, are you saying I'm not?"

"You're like fourteen-"

"Sixteen! Since last week!"

Tony's brain short-circuited. "Shit. I forgot your birthday."

"Yep." Peter had a talent for looking very disappointed when he wanted to. It wasn't like he hadn't mentioned his birthday to Tony. Ten times.

"You wouldn't happen to be allergic to strawberries, would you?"

The teen frowned at him. "Um, no?"

"Good. Do you want a car?"

"A car?"

"Yes, a car. I thought we'd been over the science basics by now."

"I know what a car is, Mr. Stark." Clearly the boy was getting mutinous. "But it would be extremely obvious if after years of struggling to make ends meet, I suddenly drive to school in an Acura."

"Audi. I switched to Audi a while back."

Peter blinked. He was getting his 'disappointed face' out again. "What happened to your American capitalist mindset? You couldn't have picked a Dodge Viper?"

"The Germans give me a bigger discount for driving their cars. Now, what were you saying about Deadpool? Right, I was going to get my suit for that!"

"Wait, what about my car?"


In Deadpool's defense, he really didn't know. He was a lot of things, but he wasn't a motherfucking pedophile.

Ironman still broke his jaw.