Author Notes: I felt like writing something fluffy, but the story turned out more angsty than I planned at first. Don't worry though, there will be a happy ending.^^
The story is going to have two to three chapters and I'll do my best to finish it as soon as possible. Until then, enjoy and let me know what you think.
Meaningless
He was happy. Sherlock smiled at his self-analysis as he lounged on the couch. A mirror would have shown him the image of a man with a silly - almost sappy - grin on his face and Sherlock didn`t mind in the least. No, for all he cared the whole of Scotland Yard could storm in and see him like that and Sherlock wouldn`t feel the least bit ashamed. After all, it wasn`t every day that one of his biggest dreams came true. If possible the grin on his face grew even wider when Sherlock recalled the exact moment that had turned this day from mediocre to special.
"It`s obvious that he is cheating on her with his brother-in-law! Christ, why do they never realise it!" Sherlock leaned back on the couch with a huff while the silly, romantic movie played out on screen. Really, how could John stand to watch this nonsense?! Sherlock glanced at his friend, who was leaning against the couch cushions. John`s eyes weren`t completely focused on the television screen. Every thirty seconds or so, John`s attention wavered and he gazed around the room, before he looked back at the screen.
Sherlock furrowed his brow. He had only agreed to watching this movie, instead of working on one of his experiments, because John had asked for it. Now, it seemed like his friend didn`t even enjoy the movie, but John didn`t show any signs that he would turn the TV off. Sherlock glanced at his phone and rolled his eyes heavenwards as he calculated that the movie wouldn`t be finished for another hour. By then it would be ten o`clock and John would switch to the news channel, before preparing for bed around eleven. Unacceptable, Sherlock decided and reached for the remote.
"Hey!" John protested half-heartedly when the TV screen went blank, but he didn`t make any attempt at turning it on again.
"The movie was stupid," Sherlock leaned a little to his left, so that his head was resting close to John`s against the cushions. "The actors couldn`t even play a convincing kissing scene."
"And what would you consider to be a convincing kissing scene?" Warm breath tickled Sherlock`s cheek when John whispered these words in a low voice and the hairs on his neck rose when Sherlock became aware of how close he was to his friend. If he only turned his head a little to the side, then he would be able to cross the space between John`s and his lips and... No, Sherlock shook his head inwardly as he tried to relax and not think about just how easy it would be to steal a kiss from John. His friend wouldn`t welcome his advances and Sherlock wouldn`t risk their previous friendship for a fleeting contact of lips. "I think, I`ll just go back to my experiment and see if it`s possible to kill someone with a combination of..."
"Sherlock."
A shuddering breath escaped his lips when John`s hand touched his cheek and the contact forced Sherlock to turn his face in John`s direction. They were only inches away from each other. Sherlock could clearly see the thin lines around John`s eyes and the sparkles of grey in his blue irises. His breath hitched in Sherlock`s throat as John moved even closer, his whole attention focused on Sherlock as he closed the space between their lips.
It was a chaste contact of skin against skin, but it was enough to make Sherlock melt against John. His arms came around his friend on their own accord as Sherlock moved his lips against John`s. He didn`t have any experience in kissing, but judging from John`s happy sigh as he returned Sherlock`s ministrations, he wasn`t too bad at it. Farther proof was the brilliant smile, John sent Sherlock`s way when they finally parted and Sherlock`s heart skipped a beat when his mind processed what that development meant for their relationship. The future was suddenly much brighter than mere minutes ago.
His lips still tingled from John`s kiss, whenever he thought back to that blissful moment. Of course, Sherlock was aware that this sensation was caused by his own imagination, but he couldn`t seem to care. After longing for almost two years for John to kiss him, Sherlock felt that he was entitled to bask in the memory of it. Hopefully, they would add more memorable kisses to this one, when John came back.
Sherlock tapped the display of his phone and stared at the time. It was twelve past ten and John still wasn`t back, although he had told Sherlock that he would just go out for a walk. A walk at this time in the evening... Sherlock furrowed his brow and tried to remember when John had gone out at such a time before and came up blank. Had John told him why he was going out or where he was going? Sherlock sat up on the couch and tapped impatiently on his knee with his fingers. Usually, he didn`t have any problems recalling information regarding John, but after their kiss, Sherlock had been in too much of a daze to remember anything specifically.
Twenty past ten, Sherlock clicked his tongue in annoyance. Certainly, nothing could have been so important that John couldn`t have waited until tomorrow to go out. He was just about to send a message to John and ask him about his whereabouts, when the door downstairs was opened and closed again. Ah, John was back!
Against his will, a bright smile forced Sherlock`s lips upwards when the door to the flat opened and the object of his longings entered. John hung up his coat, before wandering into their living-room. The smell of beer, smoke and cheap whisky hit Sherlock and the smile on his face wavered as he looked more closely at John - who hadn`t paid any attention to Sherlock so far. John had been to the pub - the one around the corner - and had drunk a beer - a Stout - and a whisky. He would have drunk more if the other patrons hadn`t started smoking after the kitchen had been closed - the pub owner didn`t take the law as seriously as he should. Blue eyes flickered over John - who had sat down in his armchair and still wasn`t looking at Sherlock - and his heart skipped a beat as he recognized the spot of red on the collar of John`s shirt for what it was. Lipstick!
A shuddering breath escaped Sherlock`s lips as his chest constricted painfully and his throat closed up. John couldn`t... No, there had to be a different explanation for all the evidence, instead of the most obvious. John had just kissed Sherlock after all, certainly he wouldn`t go to the pub and...
"John?" Somehow, Sherlock managed to pronounce the name without betraying his inner turmoil.
"Yes, Sherlock?" Light blue eyes met his and if Sherlock didn`t know John so well, he would have missed the guarded look in his eyes. As it was, that discovery added farther to Sherlock`s growing unease as he stared at John. It was impossible that he had misinterpreted the meaning of their kiss, wasn`t it?
Sherlock folded his hands in his lap to stop them from trembling as he tried to stay calm and collected. Naturally, he wasn`t very experienced in the matters of the heart, but a kiss - a kiss like they had shared - had to mean something at least.
"Do you want to have tea?"
Tea?! Sherlock frowned. Why would he want to have tea now? There were much more important matters to focus on than tea. So why would John ask him...
"Alright, alright, I`ll make some, but you could make tea as well... once in a while." John`s voice sounded light - too light - and Sherlock jumped up just when John made to get up from his armchair.
"Yes?" John raised an eyebrow as he looked at him and the words finally tumbled out of Sherlock`s mouth. "You went at a pub to have a few drinks - a beer and a whisky. You would have stayed longer if the other patrons hadn`t started smoking. You sat at the bar and flirted with a woman - middle age, single and eager to find a man - who kissed you before you left. She had already had a few drinks, since she smeared her lipstick at your collar instead of kissing your cheek, but she probably still managed to give you her number." Sherlock took a deep breath as no denies were forthcoming and forced out the question that weighted heavy on his heart. "What about our kiss?"
John`s gaze had rested calmly on Sherlock during his deduction, but now he glanced down and spoke to the floor. "What about it, Sherlock? It was just a kiss. It means nothing."
A knife to the heart wouldn`t have hurt more than these simple words. Truthfully, Sherlock was certain that it would have hurt less as he staggered back and grabbed the armrest of the couch for support.
"It means nothing."
His chest burned as Sherlock gasped for air and unwanted memories swarmed into his mind.
Twenty-one, Sherlock had just published a thesis about the chemical components used for perfumes. His professor gave him a high grade for it and then glanced at him briefly. "I hope you are aware that I might be the only one to read your paper, Mr. Holmes. It`s well done, but absolutely useless for scientists. Your grade aside, it means nothing."
At sixteen, Sherlock had just learned that he would be allowed to take his final exams two years earlier than his peers and start at university after the summer break. He went to his favorite teacher - chemistry - to share the news with him, only to be met with a bored look. "You aren`t the first one to finish school faster than other students, Mr. Holmes. It means nothing."
Sherlock was eleven years old and had just won the price for the best chemical project. He was so proud when he came home and showed it to his brother. Mycroft only sneered at him: "It`s just a stupid price for kids. It means nothing."
And, the worst and first memory - when it had all begun - at the age of five, when Sherlock had listened to a conversation of his parents. "Sherlock really is a handful," his father had said and his mother had only huffed in annoyance. "Trouble should be his first name. If the stupid condom hadn`t torn, we wouldn`t have to deal with it."
Sherlock hadn`t understood the meaning behind his mother`s words back then, but later - when he turned eight - he had realised what they implied. His life meant nothing to Sherlock`s mother and she would be happier if Sherlock had never been born and maybe... that would have been for the best. Sherlock clenched his eyes shut to avoid looking at John as he realised what a fool he had been. Of course, their kiss didn`t mean anything to John. He had kissed so many people in his life that one or two more didn`t make a huge difference. Only Sherlock had been stupid enough to read anything in John`s actions, when it had probably only been some kind of joke... or maybe curiosity. An experiment to find out how Sherlock would react to such an action.
At least, John was treated to an entertaining show, Sherlock thought cynically, when a shudder ran through his body. John`s readers would be amused to learn from his blog that the great genius was rendered a trembling wrack thanks to a meaningless kiss. Meaningless to John, since it had meant the world to Sherlock. A burning sensation started behind his closed eyelids and Sherlock pressed them together even harder. He wouldn`t start crying. One of his biggest dreams had just been scrunched to dust at his feet, but Sherlock wouldn`t... he wouldn`t...
"I`m absolutely worthless." The words fell from his lips, before Sherlock could stop them. And why should he hold them back? Really, they were true. Everyone, he had ever tried to impress or win for himself, had rejected him. Hell, his own mother regretted the day Sherlock had been conceived. What did that say about him, if not... A sob caught in his throat and Sherlock swayed where he stood, unsure what to do now, when nothing mattered anymore.
"Sherlock, sit down."
Gentle, but firm hands forced him back down on the couch, but Sherlock didn`t turn his head to look at John as he sat down next to him. Instead, Sherlock blinked a few times to force his tears away and then stared down at the hands in his lap. They were shaking, Sherlock noted numbly. It didn`t really matter, nothing mattered anymore.
A cough next to him. "Sherlock, what do you mean that you are worthless?" John`s voice sounded scandalized. Sherlock didn`t even feel like sneering at him as he trailed the acid burn on his index finger - from his latest experiment - with his eyes. "Isn`t it obvious, John." Sherlock`s voice barely wavered as he was finally able to see the truth he had been ignored for so long. "I don`t matter to... anyone. Whatever I do means... nothing. My academic accomplishments didn`t mean anything to my professors. Mycroft laughs at whatever I do. My mother... would rather have miscarried than have me and now," Sherlock ran a trembling hand through his locks. "My first kiss doesn`t even..." A sob hitched in his throat, just as John exhaled in surprise at Sherlock`s revelation. "I`m sure your readers will be highly amused that you managed to... be the first to kiss me. Donovan and Anderson will have a good laugh, when they realise that I have never... but they won`t figure out the true reason for it."
A hesitant hand touched his arm and Sherlock was tempted to slap it away, but he didn`t. In the end, it didn`t matter what he did or didn`t do. Everything was meaningless. He was meaningless.
"What`s the true reason?" John`s voice sounded shaken, but Sherlock still didn`t look at him. He was probably only suppressing his laughers. Obviously, Sherlock could give John an even better reason to amuse himself at his expense. "I, Sherlock - cold hearted - Holmes wanted my first kiss - and everything that came afterwards - to be special. A special moment, shared with a special person... obviously, that was too much... too much... to ask..."
To Sherlock`s horror a tear escaped down his cheek to humiliate him farther. He tensed and prepared himself for the mockery that would certainly follow his confession. John wouldn`t let him live that down. No one had ever allowed Sherlock to show any weakness and that display was the most pathetic...
"I`m so sorry, Sherlock." The hand moved from his arm to Sherlock`s hands and squeezed gently. Paralyzed, Sherlock stared down at them. "You are sorry, because I - a man of thirty-four - still haven`t managed to get... laid?!"
After everything that had happened this evening, the question was only logical, but it tore a strange sound from John. Forgetting for a second to stare at his hands, Sherlock turned his head to risk a glance at John. His light blue eyes were pained, his mouth pressed into a thin line and his face stripped of any color as John met Sherlock`s gaze. He didn`t have the time to make sense of what he was seeing, when John clarified his former statement. "I`m sorry that... I`m such an arse." John looked down at where his hand was resting on Sherlock`s, before he continued. "I never thought... I didn`t think the kiss meant anything to you."
Sherlock snorted at the absurdity of that statement, unsure where this conversation was going to lead. "I wanted to kiss you... not only today... for a much longer time." John`s voice wavered, just when Sherlock`s heart started to pound wildly in his chest. He held his breath while more words fell from John`s lips, all of them barely above a whisper. "When I did - kiss you I mean - this evening, I... panicked. I was afraid you would tell me that... you didn`t do that... that you weren`t interested in me and I... fled. When I came back," John bit down on his lower lip and Sherlock was convinced that he was only able to carry on, because of his stoic will. "I had convinced myself that you wouldn`t want me and I... lashed out at you, before you could... hurt me. I`m so sorry."
Dazed, Sherlock shook his head. John`s words were flying around in his head and he felt unable to make sense of them. Usually, Sherlock didn`t have any problems with following a conversation, but right now his emotions were clouding his mind. One moment John told him that their kiss meant nothing to him and now...
"What... what are you saying?" Sherlock hated how broken his voice sounded, but he had to know where John and he stood. If everything was lost or if there was the slightest chance that Sherlock`s dreams didn`t have to die a terrible death.
"I`m saying," John interlaced their fingers and Sherlock allowed it. "That I`m an idiot and that I want this," he nodded at their intertwined hands. "With you. If you are still... interested, that`s it."
Carefully, Sherlock used his index finger to stroke the soft skin of the back of John`s hand. His eyes followed the movement, cataloging how John`s thumb twitched at the gentle touch, before they moved back up to his face. For Sherlock, it was obvious that John meant what he had said. He had never been able to fool Sherlock before, unable to lie to his face and the light blue eyes mirrored everything that John was feeling: Self-contempt, fear, pain, shock and... hope.
Sherlock gulped. "What do you mean by... this?" He had to know what John wanted from him. Attraction was one thing and it could certainly lead to a kiss - or more. If it was only this, then Sherlock wouldn`t hold it against John that he had taken his first kiss, but... he wouldn`t give him anything else. It wouldn`t matter that Sherlock felt deeply for John if his feelings weren`t reciprocated. Sherlock had waited so long for someone, who loved him to come along that he wouldn`t throw away everything for a few crumbs of attraction. Even if he never fell in love again and remained... untouched till the end of his days, Sherlock just couldn`t...
"A relationship."
Wary, Sherlock met John`s gaze. "Like the relationships you had with so many women. A relationship that lasts a few months and ends when you have found someone new?"
A faint blush crept into John`s cheeks and Sherlock watched fascinated as he ducked his head in shame, before looking up at Sherlock once more. "No, not like this." John`s voice was steady as he held Sherlock`s gaze. "I would never propose a relationship to you if I wasn`t serious about it. You are much too important to me to throw everything away for a brief fling. Sherlock, I want," He licked his lips and gave Sherlock`s hand a little squeeze, before letting go of it and moving it up to Sherlock`s face to stroke his right cheek gently. "I want to be together with you. Not just for a short amount of time, but for... as long as possible."
A breath escaped Sherlock`s lips as he drunk in John`s words. Words, he had never believed would ever be directed at him. He was just about to lean towards John and claim his lips when another thought stroke him. "What about the woman? From the pub?"
An embarrassed smile appeared on John`s face. "It might be heartless of me - since she seemed very interested - but I won`t call her. I didn`t even truly want to speak with her, but I was so... confused, that I couldn`t reject her. At least, I managed to dodge her attempt at kissing me."
A weight lifted from Sherlock`s chest and he took a deep breath to slow the erratic beating of his heart. Nothing was lost, John and he still had a shot at a relationship and his first kiss had meant something. Sherlock felt that he could burst from happiness... or start crying embarrassing tears from relief. Instead, he leaned towards John - angling his face slightly - and a smile tucked at his lips when the movement was mirrored by John. Their lips met in a tender kiss, moving slowly against each other and measuring every centimeter of skin that touched. At least, Sherlock was memorizing everything about John`s mouth as their kiss went on. There was so much to remember - the stubble just above his upper lip, the roughness of his lower lip, where he had bitten down earlier, the texture of his skin - and even more was added to the list when John`s tongue flickered out. Grabbing at John`s shoulders, Sherlock allowed the kiss to deepen by opening his mouth and nudging John`s tongue with his own. It was a little like a game as they licked and nipped at each other`s lips and Sherlock noticed that he rather liked it. Kissing could very well become one of his favorite activities... with John.
He didn`t know how long they were kissing, when John gave him one last peck on his lips, before drawing back a little. "For a beginner, you are very good at kissing." The words were spoken playfully, but Sherlock still felt himself flush in mortification. "Is that the part where you mock me for my inexperience?" Because if it was then... Sherlock wouldn`t even be able to hold it against John. After all, who had heard about a man his age, who had never even kissed someone?!
"Mocking you?!" John`s eyes were wide with shock as they stared at Sherlock. John was kneeling on the couch, so that he was - for once - looking down at him as he grabbed Sherlock`s shoulders tightly. "Listen, Sherlock, I`ll never mock you for your inexperience. It was a compliment - rather badly formulated, I give you that - and I meant nothing else by it."
"A compliment," Sherlock echoed his words and suddenly felt like a complete idiot. He didn`t know how to accept a compliment - or how to give one - and he just realised that he wasn`t just sexually inexperienced, but when it came to relationships as well.
Sherlock exhaled slowly. John might want to enter a relationship with him and maybe - if Sherlock was lucky - he wouldn`t mind his sexual inexperience, but certainly it would be too much to ask of him to suffer Sherlock`s shortcomings in every other area as well. He tensed at the realisation and what it would mean for the future of them. Sooner or later, John would leave him, no matter how much he cared for Sherlock now and then...
"To tell you the truth, I think it`s rather endearing that you waited so long for your first kiss."
Sherlock`s mouth turned into a thin line. "Not only my first kiss. You are my first... everything." When John only blinked at him in confusion, Sherlock was forced to elaborate. "My first friend. My first partner. My first... I have never had any kind of relationship before and I think it`s only fair for you to know that. I might... ruin everything." His words fell into silence as John kept blinking at him. That was it, Sherlock thought with a heavy heart. John would think his decision through and come to the conclusion that a relationship with him would be too much effort. He would tell Sherlock that they should remain just friends and sooner or later - rather sooner - John would find someone else and move out and...
A light chuckle interrupted Sherlock`s dark musings. He lifted an eyebrow and John only shook his head at him, still grinning. "Sherlock, we have been friends for almost two years by now. I know what you are like. I`m prepared to find eyeballs in the microwave or mould in the teacups. I`m aware that you forget everything around you, when you are absorbed in a case or an experiment and I fall faster asleep these days when you play the violin at three in the morning. I don`t expect you to change in any way and what couldn`t destroy our friendship, certainly won`t destroy anything else between us."
John was... brilliant! A small smile tucked at Sherlock`s lips as he pressed a chaste kiss to John`s. If argued like that, John was completely right and Sherlock didn`t have to fear that he would destroy their relationship. At least, not with his eccentrics, which had driven away more people than the cared to count. Still, there were a few things...
"I know you as a friend, but now we are more... we are, right?" A sudden panic rose in Sherlock, but it deflated again, when John nodded in confirmation. "So, what are the rules now?"
"Rules?" Sherlock nodded. "Yes, I mean... when am I allowed to kiss you or touch you? Are we only going to kiss when we are on the couch or is it also fine to kiss you... in the kitchen? How are we acting in public? And... what about sex?"
There was a twinkle in John`s eyes and Sherlock feared that he would laugh at him any second now, but John only allowed himself a small smile before he brought some space between them and held up a finger to Sherlock. "Firstly, you can touch and kiss me whenever you like, as long as you don`t startle me when I`m cooking or when I`m carrying something. I promise you not to startle you, when you are working on an experiment or are thinking." Sherlock frowned at that. It made sense, but...
"I don`t mind you touching me, when I`m thinking, it`s... nice," Sherlock clarified. Indeed, Sherlock recalled rather fondly the occasions when John had stroked his curls, while he had been sprawled on the couch and turned over a problem in his head. His words were rewarded with a lingering kiss that made Sherlock`s lips tingle.
"Secondly," John smiled at him as he held up another finger. "I`m not for snogging in public," Sherlock`s heart sank. "But I`m very fond of holding hands and I don`t mind a brief kiss here and there... or a touch for that matter."
"So you don`t," Sherlock started insecurely, only to have John finish the question for him.
"I don`t mind that everyone knows that we are together?" Sherlock nodded. "Hell, Sherlock, I would shoot it from the rooftops, so that there is no doubt any more that you belong to me. How could I ever be ashamed of being with you?!" It was a rhetorical question, but Sherlock still felt like answering it. "I`m a man."
John rolled his eyes at him. "Yes, I`m aware of that and I`m sure that some idiots are going to give us shit about it, but I don`t care. I`m not going to hide what I feel for you, period." Another kiss followed this annunciation and Sherlock had almost forgotten about his last question, when John held up his third finger. "We can do whatever you are comfortable with and I won`t force you to do anything, you don`t want to do, but," John licked his lips and then rearranged them both until Sherlock`s head was bedded on his thigh and John was leaning back against the cushions. He didn`t know why John had done that, but it was definitely more comfortable than their former positions. "You might want to tell me what you imagined for your first time. It`s only fair that it`s as special as possible, after you have waited for so long."
Heat rose in Sherlock`s cheeks at John`s words. Really, it was one thing to let your friend - boyfriend? partner? - know that you were totally inexperienced, but it was a different matter altogether to talk about it openly. Still, Sherlock could have lived with that, if he hadn`t thought that John would find Sherlock`s ideas of a first time ridiculous. He blinked up at John, who was running his fingers through Sherlock`s curls, and sent Sherlock a reassuring smile.
Sherlock gulped. Of course, he could make up a different scenario that wouldn`t be too humiliating, but... John had asked him. And Sherlock had held onto his dream for so long that it would appear to him like betrayal if he didn`t try to get what he had always longed for. Best to start from a safe topic and proceed slowly from there. Sherlock nodded to himself. Yes, that was a good plan.
"Everyone has always made me believe that whatever I did wasn`t worth anything... that I wasn`t worth anything." John opened his mouth at that, probably to protest the statement, but Sherlock shook his head. He didn`t know if he was going to be able to hold this conversation again if he was interrupted. "My professors, my teachers, Mycroft and my mother only thought very little of me."
"Was that why you started with the drugs?" Sherlock rolled his eyes at John. "It was one of many reasons, but I didn`t think you wanted to hear about my drug history." Honestly, Sherlock didn`t want to talk about that part of his past, least of all with John. It was bad enough that he knew about Sherlock`s addiction, he didn`t have to learn any more details. Especially, since Sherlock had sworn to himself never to use again as long as John was in his life. If he was very lucky... No, that was leading too far off the matter.
"Sorry, I didn`t want to interrupt you, go on." Sherlock sent a half-hearted glare John`s way, but it would have been more effective if he hadn`t leaned into John`s caressing touch. His curls would be utterly disheveled in the morning. "As I said, nothing I did seemed to matter and so... I decided that at least my first kiss and first time should mean something." The blush intensified as Sherlock coughed before going on. "I watched my peers throwing their first sexual experiences away and all but forgetting who they had shagged on the last party. I was disgusted by it and I waited, certain I would meet someone one day who would make this experiences special and... I know how naive and stupid that sounds."
"No, it doesn`t." Sherlock peeked up at John, who pressed a light kiss to his lips and smiled down at him. "I think it`s rather sweet and romantic. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of, Sherlock. And I`m certainly honored that you think I`m... your special one." A knot unfurled in Sherlock`s chest as he returned John`s smile hesitatingly. Put like that, he didn`t feel so stupid anymore about his... sentiments.
"Who else would it be?" Tenderly, he cupped John`s cheek in his hands. "Still, I`m not sure that you won`t laugh at me, when I tell you..."
"I would never laugh at you!" Blue eyes flickered over John`s face, taking in the determined set of his jaw and the promise in his tender gaze. The knowledge that John spoke the truth gave Sherlock the courage to finish his confession. "For my first time, I wanted to have sex... Penetrative sex," Sherlock added as John stared at him as if he doubted that Sherlock even knew what he was talking about. His face cleared at Sherlock`s words, but some of the doubt was still written in the lines on his face.
"Sherlock," John began carefully. "You know that there are other ways to have sex. There doesn`t have to be any penetration involved and I don`t know..."
"It`s fine," Sherlock sat up abruptly and stared at the scattered papers on the floor. "If you are opposed to anal sex that`s not a problem, John." At least, it wouldn`t be a problem, as soon as Sherlock was able to let go of one of his oldest dreams and become content with whatever John was ready to give him. He forced a deep breath past his thigh throat and into his lungs. It was stupid to get so worked up over such a simple matter. Sherlock should be glad to have John at all and not sulk like a child, just because he would never have everything he had always wanted. Life was not a bowl of cherries as Mycroft had loved to tell him every so often.
"Sherlock." A hand settled on his shoulder and soon John was kneeing behind him, his face nuzzled against Sherlock`s throat. "I`m not opposed to anal sex." Sherlock`s heart skipped a beat as his crumpling dream was rescued from a gruesome death. "Then why don`t you want to...?" Sherlock made a vague gesture with his hand. Warm air brushed Sherlock`s skin as John sighed behind him. "I just thought that it would be more reasonable to start with other sexual practices, so that you wouldn`t be overwhelmed."
Sherlock arched an eyebrow at that. "Don`t most girls - and men - think of real sex in terms of penetrative sex?" Another sigh against his throat, but this time it was accompanied by a slow nod. "They do, although I don`t agree with them, but," John pressed a kiss to the soft skin of Sherlock`s throat. "If that`s what you want for your first time, I`ll do my best to fulfill your dream, Sherlock."
A lump rose in his throat and Sherlock was thankful that he wasn`t facing John right now, otherwise he would have seen the pathetic glitter of tears in his eyes. Happy tears for a change, but still humiliating. After all, he had never been prone to tears before and this evening he felt on the verge of crying more often than during the last five years combined. Hormonal reaction to sentiments, Sherlock concluded, but he wasn`t able to list all the factors as John`s next question caught him by surprise once more.
"In which position do you see yourself?" It took Sherlock a moment to comprehend what John was referring to, but when he did, he flushed crimson. Christ, he had to get a grip on himself, if he didn`t want John to believe that he wasn`t only a virgin, but also a blushing maiden at that. "I find both positions have their merits, but for my first time... I want to be taken."
Silence followed his words and then: "No, Sherlock, not taken." John`s arms came around his waist as he leaned more heavily against Sherlock. "When we do that, then I`ll make love to you. Nothing else." This time, Sherlock couldn`t stop a single tear from escaping down his cheek. If John noticed it, he didn`t comment on it. Instead, he rearranged them on the couch, so that they were lying face to face and were therefore in the perfect position to exchange kisses.
It was pure heaven, for all that Sherlock was concerned. And although it was obvious that the kisses wouldn't lead anywhere, John appeared very content as well as he claimed Sherlock`s lips for the countless time.
