Based on Season 4, Episode 8 "Wishful Thinking"
Prompt: "There is no forgetting, there is no making it better. It is right here, forever" – Dean
"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather be afraid of God, who can destroy both body and soul in Hell" Matthew 10:28
Dean's body had been healed – having an angel on your side tended to ensure that. Not that he was entirely certain whether he was in awe of or completely terrified of Castiel (having your soul ripped into a million different pieces apparently made decision making difficult), but on the body front, Cas had done a bang up job. If Dean said so himself.
But some wounds were going to take longer; perhaps they would never heal at all. Even great fugly scars would be an improvement on the constant bleeding – the non-stop pain littered across his soul.
For starters there was the knowledge that he had given in – he had been the one to inflict pain on others. And why? Because he couldn't take it himself.
The physical pain was different, he could have endured that forever if need be, but the way they tore apart the very essence of him had been too much to bear.
They had given him visions – hallucinations so real he could no longer feel the physical pain; the only feeling he had was of his heart being torn in two.
For every vision followed the same pattern; Sam's death at the hands of some nightmare. All because Dean had left him.
Sam, who no longer cared about how many innocent lives were destroyed in the process – as long as he could give the demon 'hell' before exorcising it. Each one sent down with a message for Dean that Sam was coming to get him.
Time moved differently in the pit and years of watching Sam die had ripped away all the armour Dean had ever possessed until he had nothing left to hide behind.
The tears that fell for Sam were not just brotherly concern or affection – with his soul laid bare he could no longer disguise how he really felt.
After all, he was in Hell already, wasn't he? In Hell and in love with his little brother.
That was when he gave in and turned dark-side. He was never getting out of there – he didn't deserve to get out of there. Hallucinations aside, Sam was better off without him.
But when did Dean ever get what he wanted, or what was best? With Sam here in front of him, there was no forgetting how he felt; there was no making it better. It was right there – forever.
