random thoughts make random drabbles

no spoilers; mentions of suicide

review


You can see it in his eyes. You can tell he thinks about it. You don't know how often, maybe more than you think about it. You don't know. All you know is that he thinks about it.

You see the look - during class, at the movies, around his friends and family. The first time you saw it was when you were twelve and looking for that god damn body. It seems like such a long time ago now, a lifetime even. But that's the first time you remember seeing that dead look behind his eyes. It's like he saw the body and realized he didn't have to live in this world of pain and misery and heartache. He didn't have to live in this world where choices are hard and the one you make is never the right one.

You try to snap him out of it because the look scares you, even though you know you get it too, only you have no one to snap you out of it. Apparently no one else can see it.

Yes, you try to snap him out of it: a comforting word, a smile, a joke, a touch. And it works, but only briefly. He smiles and snaps out of it…for a while.

It wasn't so bad at first. The look would come and go with such a gap between that you think maybe you've made it all up. But then the looks got more and more frequent and you're terrified that one day he won't meet you before home room and suddenly your best friend will be dead, found in his closest, or bathroom, or yard.

You don't want him to die, not now, not before you. You couldn't stand to see his body. You need him, a lot more than you ever thought possible. That's why every time you see that look in his eyes, you feel empty inside. You can't help someone that's so far gone, no matter how much you want to.