Ed Edd 'n' Eddy Class of 71

Heads of the Eds

By: Lindsay

Nobody ever came right out and said that I was the reason my dad lost the Fish Fingers account, but I thought about it. Dad said he was glad to be rid of Mr. Frampton. Now he could spend more time on his other clients, like New Improved Sunshine Detergent.

It was Sunday afternoon, a week since the unpleasant dinner with Mr. Frampton. It was also the beginning of March. And Spring Break starts on the 17th of this month, the day I turn 18. We've really been looking forward to getting a week off of school. This was also the day that my parents were going to my aunt Cathy's wedding.

"Okay, Ed," said Ma, carrying a suitcase. "You're responsible for Sarah and Jimmy until we get back on Saturday."

This I wasn't crazy about; there are many reasons why I don't like babysitting Sarah and Jimmy. One is that they never listen to what I say. Another is that they're always loitering in my room in the basement even though they know they're by all means they're not allowed in there. And I always get blamed for everything they do just because I'm older. All in all, it's worse than you could imagine; but I didn't want to be dragged all the way to Florida just to go to a wedding. Besides, I couldn't go anyway; I have school.

"And Ed," continued dad. "Be sure to keep the house clean, too. When we get back next weekend, I want to see this house spotless." (Sounds like Double D, I thought.)

"Well, Ed, we'll see you then and please, be nice to Sarah and Jimmy," said Ma, getting into the car.

"I'll try but I'm not making any promises. See you on Saturday," I replied.

As Ma and dad drove off, Double D and Eddy came up from across the street. "Oh yeah!" said Eddy. "No adults! Let's party!"

"Not exactly," I said. "I have to baby-sit Sarah and Jimmy all this week. But they won't be here until later, so maybe we could go into my room and watch All in the Family."

When we went into my room and turned on the TV, we all got comfortable. Until a few minutes later...

"ED!" shouted Sarah. "We want to watch The Brady Bunch!"

"Watch it in the living room," I replied.

"NO!"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Because Jimmy and I wanna be in here!"

A headline flashed through my mind: INSANE HIGH SCHOOL SENIOR STABS TWO ELEVEN-YEAR OLDS WITH BALL POINT PEN.

"Ed," said Double D. "I think we'd better go, come on, Eddy."

"Yeah," said Eddy. "Hope you'll be alive at school tomorrow. See you then!"

When Double D and Eddy left, I told the brats, "Listen to me, I'm in charge around here this week so I decide where you go. Now go in the living room and watch TV!"

Then Sarah angrily and slowly walked out of the room with Jimmy. But it never usually goes off that easily, Sarah very frequently throws fits when I try to tell her what to do. And Jimmy always goes along with her. I think if it weren't for Sarah, Jimmy would have been okay.

The next morning, I had to wake up earlier than I usually did to make Sarah and Jimmy breakfast; the elementary school classes start half an hour before mine at the high school. For breakfast I made fried eggs, I learned how to make those in fourth grade. Sarah didn't seem to mind the eggs, she ate them along with two pieces of toast and a glass of juice. But Jimmy was another matter...

"So what'll it be for you?" I asked, crossing my arms and giving him the hairy eyeball. Just watch him ask for scrambled!

"Could I have scrambled, Ed, please?" What did I tell you!

"No, you can't" I said, very briskly. "I don't have time to wash two pans. It's fried or nothing."

"But I don't like fried," he said. (You know, Ma spoils him rotten, but not me!)

"Then eat cold cereal," I said, slapping down a box of Super Sugar Crisp in front of him.

"I don't like this, either," the brat replied.

"Listen, Jimmy," I said, very slowly and carefully. "I'm in charge around here and you're going to listen to everything I say. And I can't be late for school just because of you; I graduate in June. So eat, NOW!" He jumped and started to eat.

A few minutes later, when their bus pulled up, Jimmy demanded that I gave him a hug. I didn't want to, but I also didn't want him ragging to Sarah about it, so I did; I gave him a fast one. Fortunately, Sarah didn't say anything and grabbed Jimmy and went onto the bus.

It was 7:30, and my school starts at 8:25, so I decided to sit around a bit before I picked up the gang and went to school. (It only takes five minutes to drive to school. But ten sometimes; it all depends on the traffic.) There were a few small noises; the sanitation truck grinding away down the street, the grandfather clock in the living room ticking, the fridge whirring. But nothing I had to do anything about. It was so quiet I could hear my own breathing. Normally I hate peace and quiet; it's boring. But when you have to put up with Sarah and Jimmy, you'll be happy it's there.

Later that day in lunch, I was telling Penny about the egg incident. She found it funny, "Sounds like a picky eater!"

"I know," I said. "And I have to go through that until Saturday!"

"Well, I'm glad that you're still alive," said Eddy. "Maybe on Friday we can see the new Woody Allen movie, Bananas. You could always hire another sitter."

I liked that. "I hear it's great! Let's go!"

Double D was a bit worried. "I also hear that's a pretty dirty flick. How about a documentary?"

We both gave him a look. He sighed and gave in. "All right, all right, Bananas is what we'll see."

But I think Penny Lane and Kate got an idea, they were whispering about something...

Two days later, after school, I was looking forward to my night out with my pals to go see Bananas. And Sarah and Jimmy weren't home; Sarah was at Heather's house while Jimmy was, well, I'm not sure where he was, I was just happy he wasn't there. But I noticed something on the 'to do' list: PICK UP JIMMY FROM WEEKLY DAY-CARE. MEET BUS DOWNTOWN.

Aw great, I had to pick up Jimmy, downtown. And since I had to ride the bus with him, I had to get a bus downtown. Good thing I've got a bus pass, even though I drive most of the time.

But I just remembered something; last week, with the money I made when I was working with my dad, I had ordered a boxful of record albums, and the record store's right near the bus stop, if I left now I could do both! So I got a wad of bills I had made from work, my bus pass and met the bus to downtown across the street.

About twenty minutes later, I got off the bus and looked to see if Jimmy was there yet; he wasn't. And for the beginning of March, it was a nice day, so I took my time getting to the record store. I then went into the record store and asked if my order had come in. It did, and I had a friendly chat with the guy who worked there. We kept talking until he said that he had to get back to work and asked me to leave. I then paid him, and after he gave me change, he asked me if I wanted the box of albums delivered, I said no thanks-I would just as soon carry them. If I'd had any idea what was going to happen next, I would have just as soon not carried them. In fact, I would have been better off dead.

Up the block, across the street from where my dad works, a crowd had collected, also a police car. Now Ma never lets me stop at accidents. I've told her a million times that I only throw up at the sight of my own blood, but she hurries me along saying, "Don't look, don't look!" This was my big chance.

Whoever said "curiosity killed the cat" must have had me in mind, because when I finally pushed my way to the center of the circle, me and the box of records, what'd I see but Jimmy, screaming and crying at the top of his lungs for "Ed." "Where's Ed? I want Ed!" Ai-yi, I forgot to meet the bus!

You don't know how close I came to quietly slipping away again. Why not let the fuzz take him down to the station house and feed him ice cream cones, then Sarah could come to his rescue as she always does. Why not? I'll tell you why not. Because the little brat spotted me, that's why not.

"Oh, Ed! ED!" he sobbed, throwing his arms around my stomach, at the same time clobbering me in the small in the back with I don't know what-I couldn't see it.

"All right, I'm here aren't I? Pipe down, cool it, that's enough!" I snarled; but the public opinion was running against me. People were saying things like, "Oh the poor little boy!" and "Vot kinda yang mon is dot, I esk you?" and "That unfeeling young man should be reported to the ASPCA."

"C," I said, over my shoulder.

"Oh, a spic," said another voice. "He said si."

"We don't call them spics, we call them Puerto Ricans or Spanish-speaking Americans, and I said ASPCC."

"Okay, Officer, report him to them," said the author of the unfeeling-young man line.

"Ladies, ladies, would you let me handle this, please?" said the cop. He unwrapped Jimmy's arms around my middle (which, thank heavens, gave me a chance to set the box of records down on the sidewalk-my arms were killing me), and then he kneeled down, saying, "Now, sonny, tell Officer Plonchik; is this Ed?"

"Of course I'm Ed. You heard him call me that. Who else would I be?"

"Mister, let him speak for himself. We have a positive identification. Now once again, sonny, is this Ed?"

"Yes," said Jimmy.

The cop straightened up. "Well, Mister, it's a wise little boy who knows who you are, as you might say."

"You might say that, I wouldn't," I said. "Can we go now?"

"In a minute, I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind. Have you ever abandoned this child before?"

"I didn't abandon him. I simply went to the record store and I was late meeting the bus."

"Record albums are more important than this sweet, innocent little boy, is that it?"

"Officer, I've never been late before. Ask him. Ask him if I've ever been late before." I poked Jimmy.

"No," said Jimmy.

"Well, all right, then, but you're a very fortunate young man. He might have been killed crossing the street, or been abducted." (No such luck, I thought sourly.)

"So, ciao, Officer, see you around," I said.

"Thank you for taking care of me, sir," said Mealymouth.

"You're old enough to take care of yourself," I said, as soon as we were out of earshot. "And when I wasn't there, why didn't you just come on home alone?"

"And cross the street?" he squeaked. "My mom never lets me do that. She says to just wait at the corner for whoever you're waiting for and never to cross the street."

"It's time you've learned. Right now. Quick, tell me, what color does the light say now?" I wanted to make sure he wasn't color-blind.

"Green."

"Good. Now scram."

"Hold my helicopter, I don't want to cross with my hands full," he said and handed me his...helicopter? This is a helicopter? This is two hunks of nailed-together wood with three twisted pipe cleaners on top. This is also what clobbered me in the small of my back.

"Hey, Ed, I did it! I did it!" he said, jumping up and down on the other side of the street. "Did you see me?"

"Yes," I lied, and against the light, I raced across the street , along with the box of records and the helicopter.

"You shouldn't do that, it's dangerous," he said.

"High schoolers get to do it if they want to," I said. "And anyway, mind your own business."

He flashed me a quick look. "I'm sorry. Here, I can carry my own helicopter." And didn't say another word until after we rode another bus to the cul-de-sac and we went inside my house.

We just stood around the kitchen. And about ten minutes later, he asked, "When am I going to get some dinner?"

"When I'm good and ready," I snapped. I had him pretty shook up. But he asked again, "Aren't I going to get some dinner soon? I'm awful hungry because the graham crackers I ate didn't go around twice. Also, I have to go to the bathroom." He ran out of the kitchen before I got to ask him anything else.

As I think I said before, I'm not much of a cook, so for Jimmy's dinner, I took a bunch of stuff out of the fridge and set it on the counter for him to choose from. When he came back from the bathroom, he looked at a bowl of leftover macaroni and a damp salad and a couple of cold meatballs and half a thing of yogurt.

"Cleaning out the fridge?" he asked.

"This is a pick-up dinner. Pick up anything you want and throw the rest out," I said.

"No lamb chop or baked potato or string beans?" he asked.

"Not unless you want to cook it yourself."

"Nah, I hate hot dinners," he said. "They make me sick."

"Me too," I said, and for a while nobody said anything. We ate the macaroni out of the bowl with our fingers. Then Jimmy asked if it was all right to put grape jelly on the meatballs, they would taste nice that way, and I let him.

Just to get a conversation rolling, I asked him, "Why do you like to hang around with Sarah, anyway?"

"Because she's always been my friend," was his response. "Even though she says that you're a purple cootie and a Blue Meanie."

"I hear that enough and I don't want to hear it again." Mealymouthed hypocrite, I bet he loves repeating all those things Sarah says about me. (And I'll show her who's the Blue Meanie around here!)

"And anyway," he continued. "That's why I like Sarah. She's always there for me."

"I'll just bet!" I said, opening a bag of potato chips.

"But it is," he said. "She protects me from bullies. When a guy tried to stuff me into a locker, she knocked one of his teeth out."
"Listen," I said. "Lemme get something straight. You like Sarah so much just because she saved you from being stuffed into a locker, is that right?"

"Yes," he said. From the tone of his voice, you'd think I asked if he was sure one and one made two.

"Look, stupid-o," I said. "You're not making any sense. You hang around with Sarah just because she knocked out a bully's teeth? So why do you like her?"

"I just do," he said, twiddling the top of his hair with one finger-he does that when he gets embarrassed. When he was littler, he used to do it in his sleep and once when he was spending the night here a few years ago he got his finger so snarled up in his hair, Ma had to cut the hair off to get the finger out. Stupidjerk!

"But Sarah's a brat. Why do you like her? It makes no sense to love a brat."

"I know it," he said, twiddling away. "But she's nice to me."

"Not to me!" I said, sharply. "Why is she so great? What's she got that I don't?

"Dunno. I just like her. You're too old, and you're always yelling at us to either turn down our Jackson 5 records or to get out of your room." Twiddle, twiddle, twiddle.

"Cut that out or you'll get your finger stuck again. Now tell me, if she's that great, what's so great about her? Tell me one thing. Just one."

"OK. Let's see. One thing. Uh...OK, yeah, I got one thing. Do you remember that time a long, long time ago when you and Eddy and Double D came here and said, 'What's all this white stuff out on the street? It looks like it's been hailing.'"

"You mean when you and Sarah threw the gobs of Kleenex out of her bedroom window and she said it was all your fault because it was your idea and you threw most of them, so you got punished and she didn't?"

"Yeah, that's the time," he said happily. "That was really great!"

"You're a complete loon," I said. "It was Sarah's idea and Sarah threw most of them-you only threw two-so it was Sarah's fault and you got punished. What's so great about that, and what's so great about a person who pulls that kind of a finky trick? That's not what I call great."

"Aw, Ed, you don't understand. I don't mind getting punished. It doesn't happen very often anyway" (That's for sure.) "but we had such a good time doing it and I wouldn't have been able to reach where your mom keeps the Kleenex by myself. I wouldn't have even thought about doing it myself.

"See, Sarah gets these great ideas of things to do and I never get any. She's the smartest person I know."

"What are some other ideas of hers that you think are so terrific? What other bad things does she do?"

I think he ignored my question, because he just said, "Thanks for dinner!" and ran up to Sarah's room upstairs. After that I decided, because of his loyalty, he was a lot more of other rotten things but he wasn't a rotten rat.

That Friday after school, I was playing a nice game of Crazy Eights with Sarah and Jimmy (Actually, it's not the most interesting game in the world, but they picked it so what can you do?), when Eddy called.

"Hey, Ed! Are you ready to go see Bananas? Double D and I are ready and it starts in half an hour," he said. I also forgot about getting another babysitter...

"Can you hang in there a minute?" I asked, as I carried the phone into the guests' room. "Look, I forgot to get another sitter for tonight. I'll come up with someone, go ahead and come over."

When Eddy agreed and hung up, I thought of someone: Jonny 2x4. He was reliable enough, I thought. Let me tell you about him: he's kinda weird. He carries around this piece of wood with a little face painted on named Plank and he talks to him, all the time. But hey, he's more reliable and easier to understand than Rolf, and I called him up just then.

"Hello, Jonny?" I asked. "This is Ed. Can you baby-sit tonight?"

"Say what?" he asked, bluntly.

"Look," I continued. "I need to go out tonight with Double D and Eddy to a movie, and I need someone to baby-sit Sarah and Jimmy. Could you, NOW?"

"Sure," he said. "Plank loves kids!"

"Great! Come over post taste!"

A minute later, Jonny, holding Plank, was at the door. "Hi Jimmy, hi Sarah! I'll be babysitting," he said.

"Ed," said Sarah. "What's going on?"

"I have to go," I said. "To see Bananas with Double D and Eddy. I'll be back later tonight, and in the meantime, Jonny's in charge. So behave and I'll see you later."

Just then, I walked out the door to leave Jonny in charge as I met up with Double D and Eddy as we hopped in my car and drove to the movie theatre downtown to see Bananas.

Double D was right; Bananas was a dirty flick, but it was funny, too. I liked the way Woody Allen starred and directed in it. And I was so glad I got away from Sarah and Jimmy for a while.

Which reminded me; where were Sarah and Jimmy? I looked in all the rooms in my house, but didn't find them anywhere...but the one room that I didn't look into was mine...the brats! They know they're by all means not allowed in there!

But when I went into the basement to look, I didn't see them. But I did find Jonny and Plank sitting on the sofa upstairs in the living room while watching The Mary Tyler Moore Show. "Jonny," I asked, he looked at me. "Have you seen Sarah and Jimmy?"

"They left," replied Jonny.

"What do you mean they left? Tell me what happened and where they went off to!"

"Well, I caught Dragnet on TV so I watched it," he said.

"Keep going."

"And the doorbell rang."

"Go on."

"So, Jimmy said, 'I'll get it.'"

"And?"

"I heard him talking to a person, or two."

"You didn't see who these people were?"

"I was watching the case."

"Then what happened?"

"Sarah ran up to him and he said that they were going out and they'd be back in a few hours."

"And you never even went to see who they were going out with?"

"Of course I went to see!" he said indignantly. "Ed, you must think I'm completely irresponsible! They were going out with two beautiful chicks."

"Who beautiful chicks? What beautiful chicks?"

"How would I know? I've never seen them before!" he was getting pretty agitated.

"You call that responsible?! Letting eleven-year-olds be abducted out of the house with two total strangers they never saw before?"

"Ed, that isn't what I said. I said I never saw them before. Sarah and Jimmy obviously knew who they were. They were also obviously very glad to see them and when they left, it was willingly-they were not ABDUCTED."

"All right, all right, all right. Don't get yourself tied in a knot. Shouting at me won't help."

"Sorry," he said, meekly.

"Don't give it a second thought. Now Jonny, I want you to think very carefully. Did the beautiful chicks say anything, anything at all, or did Sarah or Jimmy say anything that might give me a clue about who they were?"

"Let's see, one of them said, thanks, man, for taking care of them. Another said that they were going to take them to a movie. That's positively all they said."

"Before they came, or after they left, you didn't hear from anyone again? Did anyone call?"

"No, but I thought Sarah and Jimmy needed a night out, so I thought going to a movie with those beautiful chicks-man, did they turn me on-would cheer them up."

"Jonny," I said, slowly and distinctly so I could hear myself over the roar. "You have commended yourself for your great taste in kidnappers. Now if you excuse me, I'm going into my room. To make a phone call, to the police."

That really shook him up. He followed me all the way down the stairs and through the basement babbling about if anything happened to Sarah or Jimmy on account of him, he'd kill himself (not if I get there first.), and couldn't he please keep me company-maybe he could be of some assistance (I told him he'd already been of enough assistance, too much, in fact.), couldn't he help me call the police.

"Jonny," I said through the closed door. "Do me a big fat favor and shut up!"

"Okay," he said, timidly. Now that I was rid of him, onward and upward with the police department.

PEACH CREEK OF-

POLICE DEPT-

Missing Persons, Missing Persons...persons...let your fingers do the walking (or the trembling), aha! Here it is. What I wouldn't do for a push-button phone.

"Hello, Missing Persons? I am missing a person. In fact, I'm missing two persons. Can you help..."

"Sir, we are a statistical bureau only. For missing persons, dial your local precinct."

I banged the phone down and snarled. Okay, back to work with the trembling fingers. Local precinct, huh? Fine and dandy-as long as you know which one you are. I didn't. There were over twenty listed. What was I going to do, try them all? Rats!

Then I came across a listing called Know Your Police Department. I called it and the cop who answered told me the precinct for where I lived was number twenty. I thanked him and was about to hang up when he said, "Wait a minute, mister. If you don't mind me asking, where'dja get this number?"

"In the phone book."

Listed under what he wanted to know, I told him. "Gee, I didn't know that," he was very impressed.

I said I was missing two persons and had to get them back by tomorrow before my parents got home from Florida so I hoped he didn't think I was rude but I had to go now.

"Oh, that's tough," he said, sympathetically. "Have you tried Missing Persons?"

"Say, what else doesn't Know Your Police Department know?" I said. "Missing Persons is only a statistical bureau."

"Oh, I know that," he said.

"Then why'd you ask?"

"I didn't want you to waste your time calling them."

"That's very considerate of you. Are there any other numbers I shouldn't waste my time calling?"

"Oh, golly, yes! There's uh...lemme see, now..."

I hung up. Unbelievable!

"Twentieth Precinct, Patrolman Plonchik." Edward Krofft, you have finally lucked out, and it's about time!

"Officer Plonchik, do you by any chance happen to recall an incident that occurred a couple of days ago on the corner of 75th and Parkton Ave. West, involving a crybaby eleven-year-old whose sitter was five minutes late meeting him at the bus?"

"Yeah?" said Plonchik, by which he seemed to mean I should keep talking.

"Well, this is the sitter speaking thank you very much for everything you did..."

"Tsawright," said Plonchik.

"...And to ask for your help, because the last time you only thought he was lost and he really wasn't, but this time he's definitely lost along with my kid sister and I'm desperate!"

"Aw, come on, mister. On the level, now, you didn't just abandon him again and forgot where? Try to retrace your steps. You already been to the record store. Maybe you left him at the cleaners? The drugstore?"

"Listen, that's enough of your jackass jokes. My kid sister and her best friend were kidnapped from my house under the care of a reliable babysitter. As a matter of fact, the abductors were even seen by the babysitter. He says they were..."

"You mean she says they were..."

"No I do not mean that. I mean he says they were. He is the babysitter, a very reliable fourteen-year-old boy who lives in the same cul-de-sac, and they were apparently two beautiful chicks who lured my kid sister and the crybaby out for a movie while he was watching Dragnet in the living room and..."

You know how people put their hands over the mouthpiece of the phone and think the person at the other end can't hear but they can? Plonchik made the same mistake. Rookie cop.

"Hey, Harve, listen to this for a while, will ya? I can't figure out whether this guy is a fruitcake or for real."

I decided I didn't have time to get mad.

"Shall I repeat the first part for Harve?" I inquired politely.

"That won't be necessary, mister, just keep going. So the fourteen-year-old boy was watching Dragnet in the living room..." Harve snorted.

"And apparently two beautiful chicks lured my sister and her friend away while I was at the movies to see Bananas with my two best friends. I haven't seen them since..."

There was another snort of laughter. "Stop that, Harve, it's not funny. I'm not talking about my best friends being missing, I'm talking about the kids being missing."

"See of you can trace this," said Plonchik with his hand over the phone. "I changed my mind. What we have here is either a nut or a child murderer."

That was it. I hung up. Zilch is how far I got with the local precinct.

When I was walking upstairs about an hour later, I was thinking. Sarah and Jimmy were gone. GONE! Some chicks came in and stole them. Not that it's any great loss, but it's pretty hard to explain and I'm going to have to explain it to my folks tomorrow. When they come home and find out they have no kids and a demented high school senior, Ma will disown me and dad'll move straight to his club. (If he has a club. If not, he'll have to find one.) And this wasn't The Brady Bunch where everything turns out perfect in the end; this was real life in good (or bad) ol' 1971. Everything was a catastrophe, or so I thought...

When I got upstairs I've never been so happy! There were Sarah and Jimmy! Completely unharmed! I thought I'd never be happy about that! But I also saw Jonny holding a fork against Penny and Kate's necks. I just figured everything out...they were the beautiful chicks! Sarah and Jimmy weren't kidnapped or abducted, after all!

"Okay, " said Jonny, "Aren't you the kidnappers who snatched these kids out of here this afternoon? Yes, you are!"

Okay, girls, I gotcha now. What did you do to those kids?" He gave them a gentle jab-just enough to remind them the fork was still there, I suppose. Richard Widmark couldn't have done it better.

"Listen, you dumb fathead," said Kate. "We didn't kidnap them!"

"Yeah," added Penny. "We just took them to go see Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, then we bought them ice cream, man. We wouldn't harm them!"

"Jonny," I butted in. "Leave them alone. They did NOT kidnap Sarah and Jimmy. I know them! Penny's my girlfriend and Kate's Double D's girlfriend! And Sarah and Jimmy know them!"

"That's right!" said Sarah. "We weren't kidnapped!"

"Yeah," added Jimmy. "We had fun!"

"I didn't, I was worried sick about you two," I said. "Penny, Kate, why didn't you tell me about this?"

"We wanted to take them on a night out," said Kate. "I thought they needed one."

"That's right," said Penny. "And we're sorry that we didn't tell you about it first. We probably should have, man."

"Aw well," I said. "What's done is done. And Jonny, I think you owe Penny and Kate an apology."

"All right," said Jonny. "I'm sorry I thought you were kidnappers."

"It's groovy, man," said Penny.

Then, Jonny grabbed Plank and headed out the door. I guess the suspense got to him.

The next morning, when Ma and dad got their suitcases and went out of the car, dad asked me, "Hiya, son! Did you have fun?"

I just pretended to faint and landed in the grass.