Who needed to go to the gym when you could try on clothes? The fight to find something that flatters you and is also appropriate was just exhausting. I was sweating like a whore in church, huffing like I weighed four hundred pounds, and swearing like a sailor.
I'd say it was one of my finer moments in life.
Another night of sweatpants and Netflix was calling my name, beckoning me like a siren through the sea of cotton and linen that had become my walk-in closet.
My phone rang around outfit nine which was somehow worse than the eight before. I had to whip it off quickly before I developed a complex. Sighing, I collapsed on the bed. I'm sure I was a wet dream for someone in my tight-ass spanx…the kind where you wake up with a wet pillow because you were sleep crying.
Blah. This shouldn't be that hard. I was just dressing for a work party. It's not like I would be having any real fun tonight. I should pick a dress that isn't vomit-inducing and roll with it - rolls and all.
I just can't believe the state of my closet. Every dress was terrible, and I didn't even remember buying most of them! I think drunk online shopping was becoming an actual problem for me. I wonder if they a twelve-step program for that?
Hello, my name is Bella, and I keep drinking Merlot and buying shit on Amazon.
Turning back to the task at hand, I took out the next one. A blue bandeau dress that I could tell would be too small just by looking at it. With blind hope conjured up from the most desperate pits of my soul, I rolled the tight fabric up my body, inch by excruciating inch. Then, I made a huge mistake. I looked at myself in the mirror.
Ooh, I was stuffed in tight. Things were barely even being contained. I had gone one step further than a uniboob. My breasts were under my armpits. I looked like a package of biscuits that had been beaten against the edge of the counter - ready to pop!
I'm not unattractive by any mean. I'm not super tall but I have long legs, curvy in the right spots, and sometimes my ass looks fantastic, but it had been a few years and a few pounds since I wore this dress. It had definitely turned into a ban-don't.
Making my next mistake, I did a spin to see the back of me. I was bulgy in all sorts of spots.
Okay, so maybe a few pounds was fifteen pounds. We can't be twenty-two forever.
My phone starting to ring again.
I danced along to the ringtone while picking the monster wedgie I was rocking from squeezing into this dress.
"Mama B's biscuits," I answered.
My best friend Alice laughed in response. "You're selling biscuits now? I thought your company only manufactured the plastic utensils you eat them with!"
"Girl, you and I both know that you don't need anything besides your own two hands to get down on some biscuits," I replied.
"You need a knife to put some butter on it."
My eyes glazed over at the thought of a hot buttered biscuit. "You're right."
"And jelly," she added.
I may have drooled a tiny bit. "Damn, now I'm hungry!"
Alice chuckled into the phone. "Well, aren't you going to dinner?"
I sighed and started the process of trying to remove myself from my dress. I put her on speaker and threw my phone on the bed. "Yes, but it's a work dinner. Do you think I should eat before so I don't act like a pig?"
She snorted or scoffed. It was hard to distinguish between them while I had a blue bandeau dress wrapped around my head.
I had managed to get one arm free when she replied. "Just eat normally at dinner, and then if you're still hungry, hit up a drive through on the way home.
I paused, one arm in the air and the other still tugging at the deathtrap of a dress.
"Good call," I agreed with a nod, my left arm flapping forward with the movement. "Good call."
Finally, I popped out. I took a long, deep breath, letting the oxygen flow back into my midsection.
"Why are you breathing so heavily?" Alice questioned.
I put my hands on knees. "I'm not," I wheezed.
"Okay," she sounded skeptical, but let it go, changing the subject. "Jazz is taking me to the symphony tonight."
"The symphony," I repeated in my best snooty voice. "My, my my."
"It's fun!" she protested. I didn't feel the need to even give that a response. "It's a little boring," Alice conceded. "But, Jasper's sister is in the damn symphony, Bella. We have to go!"
"Hey, I like Beethoven as much as the next person under sixty."
"You are utterly unsophisticated," she snapped back playfully at my sarcasm.
I kicked the devil's blue dress across the room. "I think that's an understatement, Alice. I work at Forks. We make plastic silverware. I think my life is anything but sophisticated."
Alice laughed. "Oh, shut up, you big baby. You're the youngest regional sales rep at the company. You make great money, and you have a male receptionist."
"Oh, yes, Jacob," I smiled thinking about him. "He's the marker. I've reached my dreams!"
"Hey, remember, you may feel bad because you don't have shoes, but you have to remember there are people who don't have feet," she scolded me.
"So what you're saying is I should go barefoot to this event in honor of the less fortunate?" I joked.
Alice huffed. "I'm saying be grateful, but you already knew that. You're being impossible on purpose, you dumb, dumb skank."
"HA!" a large bark of laughter slipped from my lips before deteriorating into chuckles. "That's real sweet of you, best friend."
Alice laughed and then rounded it out with a little snort.
Giggling, I told her good night. "Alright, Porky Pig. I have to figure out what to wear and get going. I'm running out of time."
"Have fun! Smile and talk to people. It could be your night to shine you never know. Also, wear the black dress with long sleeves and the high neck, pair it with that bib necklace I got you for your birthday." She paused. "Umm… and the black pumps."
It sounded good to me. That black dress was comfortable and sleek at the same time. I could even skip the Spanx.
"Ma'am, yes, Ma'am," I replied. "Anything else?"
"Hmm… nope, I think that's it. Send me a pic once you're dressed. Love you!"
"Love you, too," I responded with a smile. "Have fun at the symphony!" My nasally, snooty tone was back in full force for that one.
"Oh, I will, Bella. I will have so much fun, and then I will buy an extra ticket for you to join us next time."
"Nooo!" I tried, but it was already too late. She had hung up.
Damn.
