Authors: Dark Queen of Peaches & ScaryMaryMoo

Title: If we could talk

Chapter 1: Hedwig the Deatheater

Warning: Contains non fluffy words and bad owly sex drives! Sorry but we have sick minds:D

Hedwig the Deatheater

"Oh Dark Lord. Save me now, stupid son of a bitch Harry Potter sent me on another idiotic errand today. I was to give Hagrid a measly note. I wish I could talk to you and tell you what it says, but I don't know if you want to hear about how Hermione started her period and Ron thought she had died because there was blood on the sheets! Or how Professor McGonagall was found snogging Peeves in a deserted classroom on the third floor. I don't know if you want to know how Draco Malfoy got stuck in Myrtle's toilet with Ginny Weasley and Dobby the House elf or even to learn how Harry (Bastard!) found a used condom in Ron's bed filled with melted chocolate.

I will now stop talking about Harry-it makes me angry. I wish I could tell you about my temple in the highest part of the owlery. Its beautiful and filled with pictures of you in hard core porn! Not all satanic you know, some star you in pink fluffy knickers. I have pictures of you from my favourite magazine called PlayWizard! How fantastic you look in that Niffler haired G-string!

You've got me in an obsessive state, I can't control myself. I know it's hard because I'm only a psychopathic owl with an obsessive sex drive. Oh shit! My male hormones are kicking in! Save me Dark Lord I'm gonna fall off my perch…."

A/N…yes we know we are very wrong folks but it cant be helped it was spur of the moment thing…actually it was Dark Queen of Peaches idea…

Hey I wrote nearly all of this and came up with the obsessive owl idea and I can remind everybody it's a stroke of GENIS!…

EXSCUSE ME BUT U CANNT SPPEL! …….

as you can tell ScaryMAry is a stoopid cow and I only work with her cos I can't find anyone else in their insane minds in a little town of Galashiels…

at least I made up the horMAONal OWL PART AND THE VOLDEMORT PORN!……..

I MADE UP THE Niffler haired knickers, by the way for the animal right supporters out there they aren't real…

(looks at hand) WHOA I NEVER KNEW I HAD THIS!

Maybe we should give up and go back the loony bin……review and tell us cos we are lonely, sad and ScaryMary is sexually driven for DOBBY and tom Felton too….

Well who can blame me..hes STUNNIN…dobby of course

JUST REVIEW ignore us!