Dear Diary,
It's midnight. I've been trying to sleep for an hour now, but every time I close my eyes, I start having terrible nightmares. Nightmares full of disgusting images and complex plots. I dream in three dimensions now. Every detail is so vivid. Too vivid. Maybe I should go to therapy for those. Maybe the therapist can calm them somehow. But then again…
I've been grounded for two months straight, because my parents keep catching me every time I go out. When they ask me where I went, I tell them I was with Rachel or Jake. It's the truth, but I think they're starting do doubt even that. By now, they probably think I'm doing drugs or something, with my dropping grades and constantly leaving the house. I feel bad that they think those things, but I don't blame them. If I had a kid who did that stuff, I'd be suspicious too.
And it's not as if I can just stay at home either. I have to go.
My grades are getting really bad. At this rate, I'll never make it into a good college, forget about university. I keep getting in trouble for skipping, and more than that, when I'm not in class, I miss all the important stuff. I never have time to read over the notes that I photocopy from other people. The teachers are getting frustrated with me, not to mention the others. We're becoming known as troublemakers, even though we rarely cause any kind of trouble in class.
At school, they've stopped asking about Tobias. At first, it was just the teachers asking why he wasn't in class. Nobody really knew. Then the principal looked into it. He called Tobias' uncle, but there was never an answer. I guess they finally gave up. I hope Tobias is okay. I feel sorry for him, he never had the greatest home life, but he couldn't be that much better off now.
Could he?
I think I'll try sleeping… again.
I didn't sleep. Now it's four in the morning, and I'm even more exhausted. My clothes are torn up now. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents? Maybe I'll tell them that I'm actually a werewolf. That sounds like something Marco would pull. What if I said that one of the animals in the barn did it when I was trying to give them their medication? No, I won't lie, that'll make it worse. I feel bad enough not telling the full truth.
I can't even tell the whole truth in my diary. Why? Someone might find it.
Everyone else lies. Some people do it on a daily basis unnecessarily. Why? I'll never know. I'd really rather tell the truth and get in trouble than have to lie. But when the truth could hurt people, is it okay to lie? I might never know.
My parents used to tell me that whatever path in life I chose, they'd be happy for me. They don't tell me that anymore. It's hard for them, I understand. I only wish they knew how hard it was on me to leave them in the dark.
One day they'll know.
On top of that, Jake and I are getting closer. I hate it when Rachel tries to talk about it. It can't happen anyway, with what we're going through. On that very first night, he found me instead of Tom. It's a good thing he did, even though he never did manage to find Tom. If he hadn't found me, all of us would have been in it deep. I'm just glad that that night didn't end in disaster. It made me realize what could happen.
Jake means the world to me. We've kissed once, but since then, he hasn't said anything about it, and I'm scared to bring it up. All he revealed is that that moment is pressed into the memories of hundreds of others, and will probably remain there forever.
Things are really weird. I don't want to do what I do, but I have to. I tried stopping, but that led me right back in a circle. No backing out now, my friends need my help.
My friends at school, all but Rachel, have backed away from me. I suppose that I've changed a lot since it all started. I feel like a zombie going through the motions when I'm actually at school.
Maybe, maybe if I tell my parents, maybe things would be easier. But if they knew… if they knew what I did, would they understand? Would they be able to see past their immediate motives and…
Cassie dropped her pen and sighed. She was tired of this, tired of having to hide her life even from her diary. She knew that she'd written too much. She knew that if her parents read it, they would be suspicious. She knew that they would confront her. And though she trusted her parents, she knew that soon they would decide that they had to read her diary. How else do you know exactly what's going on in a girl's life? How else do you understand her deepest fears, her feelings?
Cassie may have been a warrior, but she was still a young teenage girl. Why couldn't she at least rely on her diary?
She reached to tear the page out, but stopped herself. She was exhausted after her last-minute mission six hours ago. She had lied about the time. Dawn was breaking, stars were disappearing, and in one hour, her alarm would sound in the day. Monday. She hated Monday. Monday meant that if something came up, she'd have to miss school… again.
She left the page there. Maybe it's best if they do read it, she thought dimly through the blurred exhaustion. She put the diary on her bedside table, not bothering to lock it. Let them know… They deserve to know…
Cassie fell asleep on her bed, still dressed in her torn morphing clothes. Her hair was greasy, her face had smudges of dirt on it and she was on top of the covers. She welcomed the nightmares. After all, they were better than her reality.
At seven-thirty in the morning, Cassie's father walked into her room. She had slept past her alarm. He observed her, lying there on the bed in tattered clothes with dirt smudged on her face. Her hair was oily and unruly, managing to stick out at the strangest angles. He saw the diary too, laying facedown on her bedside table. He had a choice, a difficult decision lay before him.
Should he invade his daughter's privacy to the highest level? Would he read her deepest secrets and completely betray her trust?
He glanced again at his daughter, then picked up the book.
