The Disconnect
By Signofpeace
Summary: Everything has happened right up until the beginning of season three. Ashley and Spencer are not together and maybe never will be.
Note: Please review. I don't feel I should continue to post what I have written if it is not good. Thanks.
The loss of my dad was nothing compared to this. My father died when I had the warm comfort of her embrace. Now all I have are the images of her and that slut embedded in my brain.
I am aware this is my own making. I was the one that was distant and seemingly uncaring but so many times in the past she was able to see past my façade.
Maybe that's what it was that ended it. She got tired of needing that little bit extra for me. Maybe this other girl, Carmen, is everything I wasn't. Maybe she caresses her face softly in her weakest moments and pledges her devotion.
I glace over at Aiden and know that he isn't helping the situation I've found myself in. My only excuse for finding comfort in him is the fact that I must hide the truth from myself.
What is the truth? That she's the one. She's the beginning and the end of me, the best and worst of me. With her I am real, whole and complete.
I walk out of the bedroom I've recently begun to share with Aiden and pad through the loft looking for my sister.
Sister. Such a foreign word to me only a year ago. Now she's become the rock that keeps me tethered to this Earth since I lost her. Damn, I can't even say her name in my head.
I stare out the window at the strip and realize how late it must be. I've become accustomed to falling asleep with her in my ear that now it seems I'm an insomniac without her breathy responses.
I find Kyla sitting in her room listening to her IPOD, headphones in her ears and her legs tucked under her. She looks so peaceful and Zen-like that I feel guilty disturbing her, but only momentarily. I am mostly self-centered after all.
I tap Kyla on the shoulder and wait for her eyes to focus on my face. "Hey Ashley, what's up?" Kyla's eyebrows draw together in concern and once again I see what drew Aiden to her. We're a lot alike, she and I, and somewhere in the near future I intend to make sure she's happy. I file that mission away for later reference and return my thoughts to the reason I entered her sanctuary in the first place.
"So, Kyla, you and … Spence … you're friends right?"
I see Kyla's eyes close up and I prepare for the battle that's about to begin. I can almost guess what she's thinking and deep down I'm glad that someone is still looking out for her while I'm out of commission.
"No way, Ash. I will not help you break Spencer's heart again. She actually found somebody that …" Kyla let her sentence trail off and lowered her eyes to her blue pinstripe bedspread.
"What Kyla? Love her? You think I don't love her?" The words sound empty even to me. They feel foreign and in that instance I understand. I never said those words enough to her. I should have made myself hoarse making her understand how much she meant to me. Now all I have are regrets and wishes.
"Ash, I can't get into this with you again. I love you, you're my sister. But she's my friend. I can't add to her hurt."
I stood in her room and held my arms by the elbows trying to shield myself from the verbal barrage that had recently become customary between us since I lost her. God, it seemed like everything in my life right now centered around that one moment, that blip in time where I had reunited with her and lost her all in the span of minutes.
I lowered my head slightly and began to gather my thoughts. I knew convincing her was going to be difficult. I knew I was going to need to make a choice, I just didn't believe it would be so soon.
I knew Kyla was watching me intently because I could feel her gaze piercing me where my head was lowered. Okay. Here we go. With that decision made I raised my head and returned to defiance to my eyes. I know she saw the change because she shrank back into herself ever so slightly. I let a smirk creep into the corners of my mouth and moved to sit next to her on the bed.
Kyla reached up and removed the headphones from her ears. I guess she could tell this was going to be a long one.
I took a deep breath and collected my thoughts. This was turning out to be a lot harder than I anticipated it to be and I briefly toyed with the idea of just returning to Aiden's arms but then her hands tangled in Carmen's long black tresses flashed into my mind's eye and I knew that it wasn't really a choice. It was more of a need, a longing.
I shook myself out of my internal reverie and turned my attention back to my half sister who seemed to be wearing a similar smirk on her face.
"So, when did you decide?" I was momentarily startled when Kyla broke the silence but I quickly recovered. I always recover, after all.
"Decide what?"
"Oh, don't pretend with me Ash. Everyone else may think you don't care, even Spencer, but I see the look in your eyes when you know it's her on the phone. Or when you know she's going to be the same place you are. It's the same look I have when …"
"You think of Aiden?" I knew I shouldn't have said it because she got this really depressed kind of look on her face. It was the same look I wore whenever I looked in the mirror and dared to whisper her name.
"Damn, I'm sorry Kyla. You know I'm insensitive." Kyla nods her head and inches slowly away from me. I reach out and grab her hand in a comforting gesture. I've lost too many people to my aloofness; I don't intend to lose any more.
"I'm not here to stir things up Kyla. I saw her with Carmen today and, I don't know, I can't not want her anymore. It just … hurts too much without her."
"I'm not the one you need to tell this stuff to Ash. You need to tell Spencer."
"Yeah, that's where you come in." Kyla raised her eyebrows in question and I chuckle loudly.
"Listen, you're the romantic. I'm the big goof that loses the only stable and real thing in my life." Kyla nods her head yes and I roughly hit her on the shoulder for daring to agree with me.
"Ashley, I'm not going to help you win Spencer back. I just … can't."
Okay, so she's my sister. Sisters are supposed to help each other out right. Why the hell isn't she going to help me? I deserve to be happy, don't I?
Then it dawns on me why Spencer moved on so quickly. It's almost like until this very moment I haven't understood what I've been doing to Spencer every time she inadvertently runs into me. I'm an insensitive jerk that can't see past my own libido to offer comfort to the one person that needs it the most.
First I run off to Paris because I don't know how to deal with Spencer's grief and now I run around with Aiden on my arm telling the whole world that Spencer was just some teenage experiment gone wrong.
"God, I'm an idiot. I pushed her right into the arms of that new girl tramp, didn't I?"
"Listen Ash, I really don't think we should be having this conversation. I think the person you need to talk to is Spencer."
I nod my head in agreement and walk to the threshold of her bedroom before she calls out to me.
"Where are you going?"
"To see Spencer."
"At three in the morning?"
I shrug my shoulders and continue on my current path. I know there's a determination on my face that hasn't been there for a while and if I'm honest with myself the last time I had it was when I knew I loved Spencer and set out to show her. I reminisce in the memories of our first time together as I get in my car and set out for the only person I've ever considered home.
