Seattle Grace Hospital towered over Meredith, only slightly shielding her from the tedious Seattle rain that pelted down against her. She stared up at the familiar building, of course it had been a long time. The last time she'd seen it was just after her high school graduation. Her mind drifted back in time, to when she was young, foolish, and wild. It was almost thirteen years after her parent's marriage had fallen apart and merely a few weeks after Richard Webber, her mother's colleague and lover, whom she slept with for years before Thatcher Grey found out, admitted to her that he had no real plans of leaving his wife, Adele. It was a point in Meredith's life when nothing seemed to be going right. Her mother, Ellis Grey, world renowned General Surgeon transferred to Massachusetts General Hospital and hopped on the next plane out of Seattle. Meredith followed her, but only to propose her plan of leaving with her best friend, Sadie, to backpack around Europe before college. Of course her mother who was a classic over-achiever blatantly expressed her hatred of the plan and quickly added that Meredith would never be smart enough to handle being a surgeon.
Meredith took off the next day with nothing but a backpack and Sadie. The two spent years traveling around Europe, hiking through tourist hot spots and spent the nights drinking away their sorrows, by drowning themselves in tequila. Meredith decided that it was time to buckle down and return to reality. Sadie had other plans, so Meredith reluctantly left her friend behind in Spain and jetted back to Boston. What she discovered was her mother was in an adult daycare center, because she had been diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's disease.
Meredith's reunion with her mother was terrifying. Ellis Grey was a strong, independent woman, who had no qualms when it came to speaking her mind. The permanent blank, confused stare she now wore gave Meredith an uneasy feeling. Meredith sat across from her mother -who now seemed like even more of a stranger than she had before Meredith had taken off galavanting around Europe- and everything seemed wrong. The small twelve by twelve room her mother had been placed in made Meredith claustrophobic. The windows were nailed shut and the view was of the neighboring building's brick wall. The chair she was perched in felt uncomfortable underneath her body and she shifted uncomfortably. It was then that she decided she was going to pack up her mother again and move her into a nursing home in Connecticut, so she could attend Dartmouth.
Almost nine years later Meredith had moved her mother into a new adult day care center, this time in Seattle. She's taken over her childhood home, which her mother had never bothered to sell and had been accepted into an internship at her mother's old stomping ground, Seattle Grace.
The building held so many secrets and memories. Meredith had spent every free moment of her childhood wandering the busy halls, silently observing surgeries in the galleries, or trying on old scrubs and lab coats. She knew the place like the back of her hand, but something about starting her first day of work here seemed wrong. Her mother's legacy hung over her head, waiting to prove she was incapable of being a surgeon at any moment. Meredith had done her research and knew that Richard Webber was now the Chief of Surgery at the hospital and Derek Shepherd, world renown neurosurgeon and her former high school flame was the head of the neurosurgery department. The halls were not only haunted by her mother's legacy, but ghosts of her past as well.
With a quick sigh to calm her ragged breathing, Meredith charged forward through the hospital's double glass doors. Inside the waiting room was crawling with anxious families awaiting the news of their loved ones, who were either tucked away in a trauma room or being operated on by talented surgeons. Meredith wanted to tell them they were in good hands, but she breezed by quickly, because the watch secured around her wrist by a leather band reminded her she was five minutes late and that was something she didn't want to be on her first day.
The intern's locker room was a buzz with nervous chatter and awkward aspiring surgeons struggling to shimmy themselves into the appointed pair of scrubs and the starch white lab coat that hospital personnel had placed in their respective lockers the night before. Meredith followed suit and slipped into the brand new light blue scrubs that had already been fitted for her size. She accessorized with a lab coat and a blue stethoscope, which she draped over her neck. She'd finished getting changed in time to hear the names being called by a monotone man who stood in the front of the room with a list in his hands. He read off the names of the interns and told them which resident they'd been assigned to.
It was only her first day and Meredith's luck was already running thin. She was assigned to the toughest resident alongside three other interns: Cristina Yang, whom was determined and wore a stuck up expression, Isobel 'Izzie' Stevens a perky, optimistic blonde, George O'Malley who was a nervous babbler, and Alex Karev who seemed conceited and like a bit of a player. He'd already tried hitting on Meredith and they had only met once. Now as if her luck had not already been bad enough she was on Shepherd's service for the day.
Meredith's stomach was in knots as she made her way through the familiar hospital hallways, her mind was flooded with memories of her and Derek exploring the building's forgotten hiding places and cuddling under the stars on top of her mother's roof, when she was away at the hospital working her usual late hours. Meredith longed to have those moments back, before Derek had decided to leave and her life fell to shambles.
She spotted him before he saw her. He and another doctor were huddled over scan of someone's brain. His dark, wavy hair was still gorgeous, Meredith resisted the urge to run her fingers through it. His bright blue eyes, which had once held a certain, light gleam were now dim and the lines around his eyes told the story of a life Meredith had not been a part of.
A few minutes passed. Meredith's body transitioned into a fight or flight response. Her eyes danced between the elevator and the stairwell's doors, planning her escape. She planned on crawling back to Dr. Bailey and begging to be switched off of Dr. Shepherd's service. She'd chosen the staircase as her exit. She quietly slid behind the door and started up the steps, her jogging sneakers clunking noisily against the hard marble.
"Meredith?" A familiar, soothing voice called.
She stopped in her tracks, her heart sped at the sound of the voice, but she chucked it up to nervousness, because she had been trying to avoid this moment all day. Carefully, she turned on her heel and faced Derek Shepherd, her old high school boyfriend. If she looked at his face hard enough and saw past the wrinkles around his eyes and the slight parentheses lines surrounding his mouth, which had not been present when they were together all those years ago. It was weird seeing new things added to his face, because there was a time when she knew that face better than the back of her hand.
"Hi," She said stunned, she had to remember that her jaw was hanging open. It took a little more effort than necessary to close her mouth. For years she had worked on pushing Derek Shepherd to for corners of her mind, trying desperately to forget about him or more accurately the pain she associated with him, but seeing him materialized in front of her did not inflict the usual pain that memories or thoughts did, it sort of numbed her.
Derek offered one of his charming smiles. It didn't reach his eyes though, a fact Meredith noted instantly. "Don't act like you do not know me," He replied, crossing his arms over his chest.
Meredith rolled her eyes of course he was trying to make a joke of their situation. "You took advantage of me in high school. I was younger and you thought you could play me," She said in a matter of fact tone.
"No, you see, that's where you're wrong," He answered with a slight chuckle.
The sound of his laugh called a million memories to the front of Meredith's mind. She did not have the energy to sort through them though, because she was still stunned over the fact that Derek Shepherd was standing in front of her. After he had hurt her in high school, she had constantly told herself that she would never see him again, standing here, right now she was breaking years worth of promises.
"You took advantage of me," He continued. "I was young at heart and you were beautiful. I was good looking, so you played me."
That hurt. It felt like he had physically slapped her. She recoiled like he had. They both knew what had happened in their final, dark days. Meredith had been reviewing their downfall in her head for years and she knew exactly what had happened and why their seemingly perfect relationship didn't work.
"I was younger than you and you were not that good-looking."
It had only been a few minutes and the two of them were already falling into their old, playful banter. Meredith hated herself, but she couldn't resist joking around. It made her feel like they were in high school being carefree and young. His blue eyes were so inviting, despite their lack of shine. She leaned against the banister and sighed. "I missed you."
Derek's face went pale for a moment, before he composed himself and smiled, softly. The silence that followed was awkward and Meredith wanted to swallow the words back down, but it was too late they were hanging in the air for anyone's taking. She waited for Derek to return the words or anything at all, but he stood there silently.
Meredith took in a deep breath and let her broad smile flip into a frown. "I'm sorry," She pointed over her shoulder toward the ascending staircase. "I shouldn't have said that," She started to turn away and added, "I need to go," With that she pivoted and dashed up the steps leaving Derek Shepherd alone on the stairs.
Lunchtime was a bit of a relief. She sat next to Cristina, who was skimming through a medical journal on new cardiac transplant advances. Izzie was babbling on about how their resident, Dr. Bailey, A.K.A the Nazi, hated her and had forced her to perform rectal exams all morning. George was trying to speak over her whispering something about an intern being allowed to perform a solo appendectomy on the first day. Alex was sullen, he sat on the far end of the table and did not eat his food. The only time he touched the plastic fork on his tray was to push the cafeteria slop around on his plate.
Cristina turned to her, leaning in close so her voice wouldn't travel. "Did you hear about Dr. Shepherd's contest?" She asked, keeping her voice low. It was probably to avoid other interns over hearing. Surgery was a very competitive field.
Meredith's composure slipped at the mention of Derek's name, but she caught herself before Cristina could notice. "No, what is it?"
"Whatever intern accurately diagnoses his new patient gets to scrub in on the surgery," Cristina's voice took on a level of awe that made it obvious she admired the surgeon.
Meredith had to admit the opportunity made her mouth water, not that she'd ever reveal that to Derek. She wanted to take part in the contest, but she feared she would win and that would mean having to spend endless amounts of time in the operating room, where her and Derek would have time to talk and that could get deep.
"We could team up," Cristina offered. "Whoever diagnoses first gets the surgery."
Meredith shook her head. "I'll help you, but if we win you can have it. I don't want to spend anymore time with Shepherd then I have to."
Cristina's brown eyes widened. "Why? What's wrong with Shepherd?" Her eyebrows pulled together in confusion, she was obviously wondering why someone would dislike such a medical god.
Meredith peeked over her shoulder to make sure nobody was eavesdropping on their conversation. She closed her eyes, preparing herself to tell this complete stranger one of her best kept secrets. "You can't laugh, make a face, or judge me in any way."
"Not judging," Cristina said slipping into her best understanding, psychologist face, void of emotion or expression.
Meredith took in the blank expression for a moment, trying to decide if she should continue. The small exchange with Derek this morning echoed in her head and she knew she had to tell someone or she would explode. She took a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. "We had a thing."
"You and Shepherd?" Cristina purred with a slight laugh.
"You said no laughing!" Meredith scolded, she felt the heat rise to her cheeks and wondered why she would ever tell a stranger this. "But yeah, we did. It was a while ago. I was still in grammar school when we started dating." Meredith stopped and considered the staircase incident. "I saw him for the first time in years today. It was amazing. Better then I thought it was going to be."
Cristina didn't move she just stared blankly at Meredith for a moment, before composing herself. "You and Shepherd?" She asked incredulously, obviously referring to Meredith's admission of her love for the doctor. "You know he's married now, right?"
Meredith had not known that. It felt like someone drove a knife into her heart and was ripping it out piece by piece. She could hardly breath at the idea of Derek in someone else's arms. The food in front of her made her nauseous, she gave the plastic tray a rough shove, sending it down to the other end of the table. How had she not noticed a ring on his finger? She had studied him hard enough, surely that would've caught her eye.
"Yeah, it was a huge wedding," Cristina said, her tone implied that it was odd Meredith had not known about this. "Like the royal wedding of medicine." She leaned forward again, eager to share her knowledge. "Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd. She's the head neonatal surgeon here."
Meredith tried to swallow the lump in her throat that was threatening tears. She had spent so long trying to force Derek away into a tiny box in her mind. She had obsessed over putting him away and getting over him so much that she never gave herself time to recuperate. Meanwhile Derek had moved on. He'd fallen in love with someone else and married her. She scoffed aloud at the possibility that he could love someone other then her.
Without another word Meredith pushed away from the table. Her mind was numb. She felt like she was moving under water as she made her way through the hospital. She wasn't even sure where she was heading until she was there in front of the nursery staring at the newborn babies all squirming around in their generic plastic cradles. Nurses in purple scrubs moved robotically around them changing diapers and offering bottles. She padded down the hall after a few minutes to the NICU. These babies were less soft, less pink. They were each secured in an incubator, tubes and needles jutted out of their miniscule bodies. the personnel in the room were much more gentle as they moved about.
A beautiful, tall, doe-eyed woman entered the room. Her auburn hair fell in loose ringlets to her shoulders and under her lab coat she wore a tasteful knee length skirt and a form-fitting white blouse. Meredith knew instantly that the woman was Addison Shepherd. Nobody said her name nor was it written anywhere, but she looked like a strong, independent woman and she was drop dead gorgeous. Of course Derek would upgrade from little old, mousy Meredith.
Meredith ran through the halls, easily finding her way to the isolated basement and throwing herself down on one of the abandoned gurneys. Images of Addison leaning over the helpless babies and fantasies of her and Derek wrapped in each other's arms made her stomach turn. Tears threatened to spill over her lids, but she didn't dare allow them. Instead, she burrowed her face in the worn leather of the stretcher and let herself wallow in the feelings she had not let herself feel since the moment Derek walked out all those years ago. The hurt, the anger, the abandonment, it all came crashing down, temporarily paralyzing her. She watched her hope of getting back together with Derek slip right through her fingers and there was nothing she could do to prevent it.
I hope you like the first chapter! I deleted my first MER/DER fic a while ago and decided I wanted to write a new one. Leave reviews and let mw know what you think? Should I continue?
