OPENING ACT

(Scene: Buffy and Xander's apartment)

Buffy: What do you want to do tonight?

Xander: I was thinking crazy, naked sex.

Buffy: We always do that.

Xander: I don't see a problem here.

Buffy: I don't either. I was just thinking … we do the same thing every day
over and over again. I think I have the entire schedule memorised.

Xander: We're getting married next month. That's not something you do
everyday.

Buffy: I know.

Xander: Well, think of it this way - it's not a routine , it's just that
we're so comfortable with each other we can repeatedly do the same things.
And it's because we enjoy doing 'em.

Buffy: Did you come up with that yourself?

Xander: Read it in a book somewhere.

(Buffy leans over and kisses him. He pushes her on the couch and they start
an intense make-out session. He is unbuttoning her blouse when the doorbell
rings. Xander gives a frustrated sigh and opens the door. It is Eileen.)

Xander: It's you.

Eileen: (pats him on the shoulder) Nice to see you too. (spots Buffy) Hi,
Buff!

Buffy: Go away.

Eileen: What's that you say? Stay? Sure, I'll love to, thanks. (sits down
beside Buffy on the couch) Look what I found. (whips out a picture from her
wallet) I think this looks better on me, since the bridesmaid's gown you
chose for me looked like throw up. No offence.

Buffy: None taken.

Eileen: Speaking of which, I'm a little disappointed at not being Maid of
Honour.

Buffy: If you keep on talking, I'll demote you to usher.

Eileen: Shutting up now.

Buffy: That's better. Now if you've got nothing else to say, please leave
the room in an orderly fashion.

Eileen: You know, the way you carry on, it's as if I'm intruding.

Xander: You are.

Eileen: Oh come on! I'm like, your best friend. Both of you.

Buffy: We were kind of in the middle of something here.

Eileen: Crazy, naked sex?

Buffy: I'm never telling you anything ever again.

Xander: What did you tell her?

Buffy: Nothing.

Eileen: Let's get back to me now, since I'm more interesting than the both
of you combined. (gets some looks from Buffy and Xander. She ignores them.)
You have to give me a list of invitees to your wedding.

Buffy: No.

Eileen: Why not?

Buffy: I don't want you near any of my family or friends.

Eileen: I thought I was family. I thought I was a friend.

Buffy: You are family. In a sick, irritating sister kind of way.

Eileen: Thanks. So, I would really like it if you could give me a copy of
your list, and if possible, highlight the single, cute guys that are not
crazy in anyway.

Xander: That rules out three quarters of our list.

Eileen: (to Xander) Do you have a brother you might want to share?

Xander: Thankfully, no.

Eileen: Then do not interrupt me. (to Buffy) Medium built, blonde hair
preferred, blue eyes if possible, and has a charming smile, and a warm
personality as well. Those are my criterias.

Buffy: Sure, I'll just find them in my handy Get-a-Hunk directory.
Eileen: I'm sure you know some good-looking guys. (motions slightly to
Xander) Don't tell me he's the only one.

Buffy: If you like intellectual men, I could fix you up with this really
nice guy.

Eileen: Oh, good!

Buffy: But he's thirty years your senior.

Eileen: (gives a frown) Gross. It's like paedophilia, only with grownups.

Buffy: (laughs) Giles is really nice.

Xander: Giles? (to Buffy) I don't feel like marrying you anymore.

Buffy: She *wanted* to meet someone.

Eileen: Yeah, but not Colonel Sanders, thank you very much. (looks back at
them) I'll leave you two cute widdle love birds alone now to fufill your
carnal and animalistic pleasures.

Buffy: With a mouth like that, and you wonder why you're still single.

Eileen: I'll ignore that comment. Bye.

(Eileen opens the door to leave but finds someone there.)

Eileen: (to Buffy and Xander)Apparently you have a visitor. (turns to
visitor) Hi.

Buffy: Who is that? (walks to the door to see) Oh.

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