Chapter 01 – The Deliverance of Matchmaking

Upon the date of November 22nd, 2015, there was once a hedgehog, a blue hedgehog, a hedgehog that was no slowpoke in this modern age. He was hip and spewed only the dankest of memes. Straight from the burning belly of Reddit and 9gag, he'd dish out the flavorful beginnings and ends of a joke that probably, in retrospect, was never funny to begin with. But that didn't deter this young, spry, sexually active fellow from attending his days at a high school.

This school was known throughout the countries of the world as Yosuke Academy.

"Golly!" Sonic the Hedgehog said whilst pulling toast from the toaster, "I'm gonna be late for school for the first time!"
He knocked open the door with his left foot, his favorite foot, the foot he'd use to mock people with by shoving it straight up their asses and snicker like a baby does when once presents it with candy. He proceeded to dash at the speed of sound, ya know, 'cus he's Sonic. Sonic the Hedge. Hog.

In the blink of an instant, he was at his chair at school, ready to learn a good days' worth of mathematics and scientific studies.

"Pff, as if." He said to himself out loud. He used his left foot to kick back his school chair and sat like a cool mothatrucka. He gazed around the room and saw that some people were starting to pour into the class. He spotted the key faces that he cared about. Anyone he didn't care about, he'd let drown on a bus before he'd extend a hand to help them out of the bus that sank into the river.

The first was Serenity, the Gardevoir. She was a shiny Gardevoir, meaning she had blue hair and orange eyes and looked incredibly ravishing and drop dead gorgeous to Sonic. His hidden red rocket was attempting to emerge, reveal itself to the target before firing off and laying down the nuke on the prime target. It took all of Sonic's might to keep this from happening. His strategy was simple. He'd think of the time he was in the gym shower room and accidently saw Big the Cat's erect veiny shiny purple throbbing lance of destruction protruding from the very foundation of his pelvis. Sonic has never seen anything more rancid, revolting, and horrid in his entire 19 years of living on this beautiful American soil.

His tower of pleasure ceased its onslaught and he could calmly tell Serenity "Hello" with a wave of a hand. She waved back with the most innocent of smiles spread gently across her faultless smooth white face. She sat down right behind the Hedgehog. He was always pissed off that the teacher would force him to sit in front of his lady friend. He couldn't admire her back and hair and everything else. Instead, he only had the sight of the chalkboard and this frekin Quagsire who would go "mmmmmmm Hmmmmmmmm" daily. But he stopped the griping and looked back at the door.

The next face he cared to recognize was an Absol. This Absol was the bane of Sonic's existence! He's been trying to get with his girl, Serenity, who wasn;t quite yet Sonic's, but he totally called dibs. He just had to wait for the right moment. And this moment is trying to be thieved away by a theif, a theif known as Rebinni Bunkle. Mr. Bunkle walked on two legs despite being an Absol. He fancied himself a bipedal and was cast aside by his Absol clan for his insolence. He wears big thick glasses that fit over nearly half his face. This was merely a stylistic choice, for his eyeballs had nothing wrong with them. He just thought he looked cooler with them on. He also wore this totally anime black leather jacket and pants and, just under the right light, it looked like he hid a katana from inside his jacket. But this was merely an optical illusion, because he wasn't that much of a weeb.

Rebinni strode through the door with elegance and whimsy. You'd swear he had a kickass theme song he was dancing to as he swaggered his way to his seat. He through both his pointed fingers, winked, and clicked his tongue towards Serenity in a very confident way. He got to sit next to Serenity and always made remarks that could make her chuckle. With every chuckle laid a new reason to want revenge that smarmy asshole for Sonic. Every time Rebinni's open his piehole, he gained new lumber to further power the campfire of hatred in his very being. He stared him down as he sat.

Everyone else that came in for this particular class, Sonic couldn't give a rat's ass about. He'd drone out the buzzing that was the teacher's lecture and pretend to write with his right arm, because that was his dominant arm, and instead listen in to whatever quips, whatever jokes, whatever puns that idiot would spew all over the table of Serenity. Her table deserved to be clean of such filth. The filth that Sonic himself wouldn't dare lay upon her clean white shiny palette.

"Hey, Serenity." said Rebinni, "Stop me if ya heard this one. A hedgehog, an echidna, and a huge purple cat creature all stumble illegally into a bar and ask for drinks."

Sonic nearly had a panic attack then and there. Everything went black except for Rebinni, himself, and Serenity and there chairs. This 'joke' was sounding like what had happened the other day when Knuckles brought over all sorts of various alcoholic beverages to Sonic's place where they all indulged in the elixirs of happiness and dizziness. From what he could remember from that night, Knuckles had dragged their drunken selves into a bar, a bar owned by Rebinni's Uncle. His Uncle Bunkle. And Rebinni was standing right there in view of them all as they attempted to purchase some more divine stews of pleasure. They were denied access, and hadn't it been for Sonic's half sobered self, Knuckles would've picked a fight. Instead, they got out of there in a fast wonky dash.

He couldn't let Rebinni spill the beans on this little fiasco. He had to keep his mouth shut somehow, for if Serenity found out, she'd never date him .For he was an alcoholic asshole and she'd never love him after being tainted with such poisonous concoctions. As Rebinni was about to get to the punchline, Sonic started screaming fire.

"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE, OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING! LOOK OUT THE WINDOW EVERYONE. PLEASE! EVERYONE!" He screamed in his seat. Everyone, even in the rather inept teacher, went over to look. Serenity, concerned with the school garden, because she was really into that sort've thing, ran over concerned as well. They looked outside, but only saw cardboard drawings of fire with flashlights glowing back and forth by Knuckles and Tails. They were screaming fire as well. Everyone in the classroom started yelling at them. As soon as they did, Knuckles and Tails scurried back into the building, never to be confronted by the teachers for this shameful display.

Everyone sat back down in their seats.

"Whoops, false alarm I guess. Those chuckleheads really got us good, aye fella?" Sonic said with a shit eating grin.

They all sat silent for a moment, but then Quagsire opened his big gob again and continued on teaching his lecture about how Arceus brought them all into existence simply to laugh at them because they'd never be as strong as god. Hahahahahahahah the teacher went. He laughed in a rather dry and creepy way for the rest of the class time, which was roughly twenty minutes.

"I'll have to hear your little joke later, maybe. Rebinni." Serenity said.

"Huh? Oh, uh… what joke was it again? I forget." Rebinni replied.

"Ugh, nevermind." Serenity said in a huff.

"Yesssss. Yesssss!" said Sonic to himself in a whisper. Gripping his hand close to his chest.

The bell rang and they all evacuated the classroom with Quagsire still on a laughing tangent. You'd swear that guy was a bit loony, if it wasn't for the fact that he was a renowned murderer rehabilitated into society several years ago. But its fine, he's gone through the motions of therapy and the justice system. Nobody really knows why they let him out, but they're sure it was all a clean and legal process.

Anyways.

Sonic dashed over to Serenity with his blue blur abilities because that's how Sonic do. He put his right hand on her left shoulder, gripping tight enough to spin her around, but not too hard as to hurt her. No, he was a gentlehog. He looked her dead in the chest, but only for a glance as his eyes elevated towards her glowing eyes as bright and beautiful as the moon when it is full.

"Serenity." Sonic screamed at the top of the lungs. Scaring even himself from this, he screamed even louder. He covered his mouth as fast as possible, because no matter how fast his heart was racing at that moment, Serenity's must've been faster and more shocked.
"Why did I just do that?!" Sonic screamed in his mind at himself because he is his mind and there'd be nobody else to yell to in his mind. He'd be mindful of that for future.

"Uh, uh… H-hey there. Sonic." Serenity said, still a little bewildered from the exchange. Sonic looked around and saw that everyone else in the hall was staring straight at him.

"H-hey, ya know what they say. Gotta keep ya on your toes! Haha!" Sonic told to the general people of the halls. "Now carry on and forget this moment. Delete from your memory bank inside your mush cranium." They all resumed back to their comings and goings like normal.

"So yeah, uh… Serenity. I didn't come here to scare you. I meant to ask you something. Something that's been on my mind all day long." Sonic was rubbing his glove-covered hands together vigorously, almost to the point they'd burst into flames, because he was just that fast.

"What is it, Sonic?" Serenity asked with a now much calmer complexion on her face.

"I wanted to ask since first period. I've had this major hard on and Big's just not cutting it anymore with killing it. Now that could sound slightly gay, but I promise you I'm not. Because I want dat booty, girl. I mean, uh… I want to have sex with you. I mean…" Sonic continued to fumble on words like a bull fumbles around a china shop. Eventually breaking everything and all the shards of China's wrath penetrate the thick hide of the creature. Bleeding it out all over the floor and walls from every available orifice that each cut made. The bull eventually dies like Sonic's train of thought. Not even once looking Serenity dead in the eye as he flubbed along like a man running inside of a potato sack for several hundred miles on cobblestone.

"Sonic." Serenity said in the middle of all this. Sonic stopped jabbering on about inserting protrusions into sexual holes for just a moment.

"Y-yes?" He asked calmly, hoping that he didn't screw this up as bad as he thinks he did.

"If you want to sexual intercourse your long doughy schlong into my vagoven to craft a mighty bread of compassion between your legs, you'll have to fight for this right in a duel against your opponent, Intercourser Rebinni Bunkle." Serenity said with dark and menacing eyes.

"Intercourser… Rebinni?! But… how?!" This confused, shocked, and emotionally impacted Sonic in ways he never thought possible. One question kept on circulating through his mind. Was he being played a fool? Is this a real offer? Has Rebinni done the sex with this fair maiden already and simply can't tell from her beaming charm? No… no way that's the case! Rebinni's too much of a little bitch to have done that! Or anything!

"Well? What's your decision?" Serenity asked to a distracted Sonic with the same glare as before.

"I… I have no choice but to fight this Intercourser douchebag and claim the fair maiden Serenity for the chance of getting laid!" Sonic shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Good. But do try to keep it quiet. Nobody has to know about this." Serenity said.

"You've got it!" Sonic cheered. He then dashed away to Science class to tell Tails Miles Prower all about what has just occurred.