Disclaimer: I am not Robert Ludlum, I am not Warner Bros, and I do not own the Bourne series or anything and anyone in it. Come to think of it, why do we put these disclaimers when we know it's a fanfiction site and that the author obviously doesn't own what they're writing about?
The Bourne Vengeance
Chapter I
Faces at Night
"It was hard for me…with you."
Her words spiraled through his head like a broken record, repeating again and again. And once more, like he had a minute ago, the man known as Jason Bourne and David Webb tossed and turned in his bed, hunting the sleep that eluded him. Sleep always eluded him now, restless with the memories that had returned and with what haunted him at night. No matter who he was, he could not escape what chased his thoughts during the day and his dreams at night.
He thought of his two names and identities sort of as Gollum and Sméagol, to a lesser degree. Jason Bourne was the killer and assassin, the predator who gave him his will to fight, his desire to kill, and the path to survival all his years and life. Jason Bourne was cold and rational. He was an alpha-male, the leader of his own faction, the lone wolf if necessary. Jason was unafraid to do anything he needed to get what he wanted. If he had to kill his way, then he would. It was all obstacles to Jason, who regarded his allies warily and close friends as members.
David Webb was his side that wanted to enjoy life, to relax, to make friends and relationships that could last and do good on both sides. David Webb was his unbound emotions in him. In David Webb was his sympathy for others and his desire to help them. David Webb had the guilt over the dead faces in his mind, the ones he had killed. David Webb was the one who was plagued with the haunting that not even Jason Bourne could help him escape from. And in a way David Webb was the one who welcomed the haunting and endless repeats of her words.
He tried his best to combine the duality of the two. It was hard, since he had just discovered David Webb, and David Webb was a different person that who he was. Jason Bourne was different person from him as well. He was a combination of the two, and he tried to merge his mentality to match: Jason Bourne with the important and best parts of David Webb. He had already created a new identity to travel under: Jason D. W. Bourne. It was probably obvious to anyone who was looking for him, but that wasn't the point. Hopefully the standing kill-order wasn't in effect, since Black Briar was caught red-handed. He was tired of running, but that wasn't the only reason.
Once more the words echoed through his head. This time he tried to deal with it as Jason. It didn't help at all. Sighing to himself, he stood up. The last sixteen days since he had gotten out of the river had been filled with sleepless nights. The few hours he got were haunted by what repeated in his head.
Every waking thought, every moment he wasn't solely lost in his purpose still in New York, she crept into his thoughts. Sometimes she crept into his thoughts while he was staking out the CIA building. Everything he thought of could be linked back to her in some way. It was worse when he was trying to merge his two identities together during his reflection time. At first he had been trying to merge Jason Bourne into David Webb and trying to become who he had been. After thoughts of her, he started merging David Webb into Jason Bourne, his logic being that she knew him as Jason, and it would be easier if she knew Jason with a little of David.
Jason headed for the mirror to look at himself and stopped. He knew what he looked like; he was tired, exhausted and stricken as a quarry. A small part of him wanted to be the quarry. The major part of him, Jason Bourne and part of David Webb, wanted him to become the predator, to hunt after what pursued him until he had it. The desire was overwhelming sometimes, but he had to remain in New York until he was absolutely certain the kill-order was rescinded. To find out, he needed Pam Landy. But she was busy with the Black Briar clean-up and being situated with her new authority and power, granted by the president for loyalty. So he waited and let himself be the prey.
He crashed down onto the bed, searching for sleep. It still wouldn't provide comfort for him, he knew. In his sleep, her face appeared endlessly in his dreams, never speaking, but keeping that look, that beautiful, asking look full of more emotions than he could name. It haunted him, chased him down, and ran from him when he chased it. When he woke up in the morning, sometimes he was more tired than when he had finally gotten to sleep. He had begun to consider lots of caffeine. However, thoughts of coffee reminded him of their discussion at the diner.
What was it that he didn't remember? "It was difficult for me…with you." What was the full scope of those words? How close had they been during Treadstone, and had Conklin been aware of it? Did she still care for him? If she did, how much? His memory of David Webb and Jason Bourne had returned; his memory of her was still muddled. His best memory was of their first meeting, when Conklin introduced him to his handler and psychologist. It had only been a brief meeting before Conklin took him to his first assignment after Berlin.
The thing that hurt him most was his memory of Berlin, the first time they had met since his amnesia. Thinking about it put pangs of guilt and remorse into his heart: putting a gun to her head in a fit of anger, her crying and begging for him not to kill her. He hadn't known then what had caused him to suddenly feel remorse and leave her. He was certain about it now. What made him feel truly terrible was that even after he nearly killed her, she still wanted to help him. There would be no more of that; after he was certain of the rescinding, he would head straight to Europe and set things straight. He would help her this time, and she wouldn't be threatened anymore for his sake.
He only got a glance of the clock before finally falling asleep. As he expected, she was waiting in his dreams.
*****
There was nothing better to do than think of her while staking Pam's office in the building. What he thought of most was her face, and the looks she had given him. They jerked his heart in more ways than he could imagine or thought possible. For some reason, it affected the Jason Bourne side of him more; David Webb had never known her. Another reason to merge David into Jason and not vice versa; it was Jason and her that might have been close. Now it would be her and Jason with a few better features.
The other thing he remembered the most was her touch. He relived the scene where she came in and handed him the hand towel, doused in hot water. The heat that emanated off of the towel compared little to the cool, yet burning touch of her slender hands. He had thought about simply making contact her hands several times after that. But formality, awkwardness, and something else kept him from doing so; he regretted it. He wished she was here right now, with her touch that set his blood stirring.
Part of David Webb reminded him that Jason Bourne was supposed to be focusing. He did so, attempting to keep her at the back of his head for the moment. This was important; her life was at stake, possibly. That thought was enough to keep him focused intently on what he was doing. He zoomed in on the documents Pamela Landy was reading. They had nothing to do with Black Briar, but he could see a stack regarding them on her desk.
Slowly, she began to creep into his thoughts again, despite his best efforts to stay focused. Bourne soon found himself thinking of the time they had spent working together in Tangier; it was his best memory of her. That led him to think of his first meeting with her in Treadstone…
They walked through the door without stopping to knock. Later Bourne would learn he didn't have to knock for whoever this is. Conklin walked through the door, and before he even walked in Jason could hear somebody stand up from behind a desk. He walked into the room, not certain what to expect or what Conklin was going to require of him. When he walked in though, he was surprised by who he saw.
"Jason Bourne, this is Nicky Parsons," Conklin introduced. Nicky kept silent, didn't make any movement or offer to welcome him. Bourne didn't either; he was taking in her face and memorizing it. There was something about it… "She handles logistics and will be your handler and psychologist from now on. After every mission and one every two weeks, you are to meet with her, soldier. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir," Bourne replied. Her significance to him explained, strange thoughts began probing his mind. He wanted to ask who she was and where she was from, but his conditioning wouldn't let him be distracted. But there was something in her eyes that had his attention. In fact there were a lot of things in her eyes.
"Parsons, be ready to see Bourne again in three hours," Conklin ordered, breaking the silence.
"Yes sir," Nicky answered. Bourne nearly spoke then, to hear her again. There was something hidden in her voice, and his predator skills wanted to find out what, to uncover secrets and expose them. If Conklin noticed Bourne's strange attraction and interest in Nicky, or hers to him, he paid no attention to it.
"Move out, Bourne," Conklin ordered. Immediately Jason turned and left, obeying orders without question and hesitation. But the look she had given remained.
She always had that look, he knew. A look that penetrated him and was so full of things to say that sometimes simply exchanging expressions told them more about what they were thinking than talking. He couldn't remember talking much with her; her face was the most prominent memory he had of her. It was burning into him.
That was it; Jason Bourne and David Webb would not wait any longer. He grabbed his phone and flipped it open. With a little more force than necessary, he dialed a speed dial. He would not wait any longer to become the predator; he had been the prey of her long enough. He needed to just see her face again, to put an answer to the questions he posed…
Jason could see the phone ring on Landy's desk. She stopped reading what was in her hand and set it down in a neat pile. Then she picked up her phone and answered, not at all preparing for who was calling her. "Pamela Landy," she answered.
"You've done well in a couple of days," he answered. It was always amusing to see people's reactions when they heard his voice on the other line. Pamela adjusted well; she had been called by him twice before. If anyone was used to being called by him, it would be her. She immediately reached for a pen and sticky note.
"Webb? We weren't sure whether you survived that fall."
"You knew," Bourne answered. "When the boats couldn't find me, you knew I had gotten away."
"You can never be certain, David."
"Just call me Jason. It's easier for me to…know me."
"Certainly, Jason. What do you need?"
"I'm wondering if that standing kill order has been lifted yet. I don't want to go anywhere until I'm certain of it." Perhaps he gave something away more than he wanted, because Pam wrote something down for a long time before replying to his request. Was it that evident in his voice?
"There hasn't been time for it, yet," Landy answered finally. "I've been busy with other things. No one follows it or even pays it attention."
"I want it gone."
"It'll be irritating since the program that issued it is shut down, but I'll call this number when I've rescinded both kill orders." So it was evident in his voice. He wanted to hide, to disappear from off the face of the planet again, but he couldn't afford to at the moment. The face and words in his mind wouldn't let him, either.
"I want a copy of the rescinding."
"Fine. I'll call this number when I have them for you."
"Goodbye. And too much coffee is bad for you, Pam," Bourne finished, turning off the phone. Through the spyglass, David Webb had a moment of humor, smiling as he watched her spin around, looking out at the city and trying to catch a glimpse of him. He noted that she was looking the wrong way, too, as he left the building. As soon as she called, he would have the documents he needed, and then he would head to Europe.
Once in Europe, he would become the predator. He would track her across the continent and find her, and chase her down. Then, once he had found her—which he knew wouldn't be difficult for him—he would find out everything. Jason and David would discover why she kept on creeping into his thoughts, why he saw her face each night, how she managed to latch herself into him with that look and deep brown eyes. He would know why, or else he would go mad. It was like when he didn't know himself; not knowing was killing him. All he had to do was find her, and then he would know why she held him so, why he was so attracted to her.
He would find out why he thought of her constantly and saw her in his dreams. He had to know the full extent of what his attraction to her had been, and if it still was.
