blame x, it's all their fault. when i say i write joke porn i mean it. btw document title is "actual robot dickings." make of that what you will.


Morning quickies are a staple of their relationship; they generally involve more fingers and tongue than actual penetration, but sometimes things need to be shifted up and damn if a good fuck doesn't feel good every now and then.

Zero leans his head back, fingers digging into X's shoulders. He grunts, adjusting against the maintenance bed. "Probably not the best place to be doing this," X murmurs, thrusting anyway. Zero responds with only a snort, rolling his hips with X's.

The pace increases. Gasps and grunts become moans and (in Zero's case) strings of profanity, followed quickly by X whispering, "Shh, shh, someone will hear, shh." These moments alone are rare, particularly in this part of the base, and there's no way in hell either wants to get caught with X's dick up Zero's ass.

Unfortunately, there's one thing they didn't bring into account. Zero grabs the side of the bed, biting back the urge to swear more when suddenly an automated voice on the bed springs to life and says in an obnoxiously cheery voice, "Good morning and good hunting."

X, normally composed, straightens his spine and glances around, eyes wide. Zero, not pleased, grinds back against X's erection and whispers, "C'mon, c'mon, we're almost—"

"Good morning and good hunting," the bed repeats.

"Almost there…"

X balks. "Someone's gonna catch us."

"Finish first, c'mon."

"Move your hand, then."

"Fiiine."

It takes some time (and a few insistent kisses on X's jawline) to get the rhythm back. This time they're more careful— at least up until that warm rush hits and Zero opens his mouth to either swear or moan. X shoves his hand in Zero's mouth, slamming down and shuddering and—

"Good morning and good hunting."

Fuck.

"Good morning and good hunting."

God, why now? Zero slams a fist down on the bed, but it just causes another stream of automated "Good morning and good hunting" messages to start playing.

X shudders, not sure if it's from the fear of getting caught or the orgasm; Zero's found his way around X's hand and is swearing underneath him, desperately finding a way to turn the messages off.

Finally he gives up and leans back against the bed, dazed from a mix of release and frustration.

"Good morning and good hunting."

"Up yours," Zero mutters, running a hand through X's hair.

They lay in silence for a few moments, almost afraid to trigger the bed's automated message again. But armor needs to be put on before a wayward navigator (or worse, Axl) comes in to pester them.

X barely moves a toe before the bed speaks up again. "Good morning and good hunting."

"…New plan," Zero mutters as he grabs his greaves off the floor. "Next time, we do this on the floor."

X chuckles, putting his helmet back on. "I can live with that."

The next time they say the exact same thing.