Okay I got this idea when I was listening to the song Carless Whisper (the Seether version) and I kind of based this whole story off a dance that Rose and Dimitri will share later on. But ya. Please tell me if you don't like it. It's my first VA FF and I don't know how it's going to turn out.

A little background: Dimitri left Rose after Frostbite, by taking Tasha's offer (I'll talk about that goodbye later). She is still at the Academy at the beginning of this story, right at the Strigoi attacked. The Queen is not dead, and Dimitri never turned Stirogi. I hope this makes sense.

All of my chapter titles will be song titles. If you know who sings the song, then you have great taste in music. If not, it's cool cause I listen to some out there bands. A lot of titles will probably be from one band (my favorite band) they have good titles.

Anyways sorry for my rambling. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing that has to do with VA.


I was sore and exhausted, adrenaline burning through my body. Christian stood beside me, panting. He hadn't engaged in physical combat like me, but he used a lot of magic tonight, and that had taken its own physical toll. I looked around.

"We gotta find another one," I said.

"There are no others," a familiar voice said.

I turned and look into Dimitri's face. It felt like another live time ago that we said our goodbyes to each other. I was shocked to see him here, and he seemed to be just as shocked that Christian and I were fighting with each other. He was probably wondering how we got here.

"What are you doing here?" I asked before I could stop myself. Last I heard, he and Tasha were in Maine.

"The Academy called for backup," he said looking down. I heard the underlining to replace the dead in his voice.

I turned to Christian who was leaning up against a tree still trying to catch his breath. "Go find Lissa. She's really worried about you."

He didn't need told twice before he took off running to the dorm. I shook my head smiling that the sound of her name will get his adrenaline rushing. It was the same thing for me and the sound of my old mentor's name. The old mentor, who was standing close enough for me to touch right now.

I looked back over to him, wondering what was going to happen now. I decided to voice that concern. "Now what?"

"Take a walk with me?" he asked turning to walk towards the woods.

I was taken aback at first, but I realized that I craved this time alone with him, even after not seeing him for a few months.

He hasn't changed much in that time. His hair was still a little shorter than shoulder length, his eyes were still deep and broody, and his body… well if it was possible seemed to become even more gorgeous.

I strolled over beside him and we started our walk. I was amazed how easily we could move back into our comfortable roles even after everything that had happened in the winter.

But I could tell he wanted to say something, and I also could tell that he wasn't going to bring up anything unless I broke the ice first. What the hell?

"So how have you and Tasha been?" I asked staring straight ahead.

"Good, we've both been pretty good," he said in a neutral tone.

I nodded. "Are still living in Maine?"

"No, we actually moved to Wyoming. Tasha wanted to be closer to the academy than we were."

I nodded again. We always were terrible with small talk.

"Are you doing better?" he asked. I could feel his eyes on me now, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"I'm great. Never been better."

We just made it to the woods now. Dimitri seemed to think we were alone so he grabbed my arm and spun me around so I could look at him.

"You aren't great Rose. I heard about what happened on the plane, and what happened just a few hours ago. What's been happening?"

Of course Alberta would tell him. She's been teaching me since Dimitri left and had to deal with me when I took the darkness from Lissa after Jesse drove her over the edge so to speak. She had a hard time getting me back to myself. It wasn't until Adrian found us in a fight in a cabin Tasha stayed at. Alberta tied me to a chair and Adrian had to use compulsion to get me to calm down. It wasn't until ten minutes after that did I really understand what happened though.

"A lot, actually, but I've gotten it under control now," I said look down at my feet. I didn't need him to hear my problems anymore. He was happy with Tasha; he wanted to be with Tasha. Not me.

"Roza," he said softly, putting his fingers under my chin and forcing me to look into his eyes. Those eyes that told me he wanted me to trust him with my inner demons. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say Dimitri? That I've been seeing Mason ghost every I go since two weeks after you left? That my head felt like it was going to explode when the plane landed? That millions of ghosts haunted me when the plane landed? And now I'm going crazy because I'm taking away the madness from Lissa? Oh and I almost killed Jesse today because I'm taking that madness?" I stopped to take a breath. "Is that what you wanted to hear? Because that's what has been happening to me since you left."

I backed up few paces feeling anger build up inside of me. I started to pace back and forth trying to calm myself down. I didn't realize how mad I was at Dimitri for leaving me in this state of mind until now. Of course I didn't realize what kind of mess I would be.

Dimitri stood there staring at me, processing what I had just shouted at him. I could see that he didn't believe anything I just said, but I could also tell that he didn't want to upset me so he was trying to keep and open mind.

I stopped a few feet from him and took a deep breath. I could feel Lissa using the spirit again. Great more things I have to deal with today.

Then out of nowhere I saw Dimitri close the gap between us and wrap his arms around me. "Roza, I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am for leaving you to deal with this by yourself."

I pushed back a little bit, but not our of his arms. "I know, but it's something I would have dealt with myself anyways. No one understands what it's like to be Shadow Kissed."

"Shadow kissed?" he asked.

"When Lissa brought me back to life I was already in the shadow world. But when she took my soul from it, a part of it remains connecting me to the shadows. If that makes sense." I was never really good at explaining it to other people.

"I should have stayed," he said softly.

"No you shouldn't have, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity for you. You can have a family with Tasha. You can have it all."

He laughed without humor, and looked off into the woods over my head. "Not everything Roza, not everything."

I looked up at his questioning what he meant, but when his eyes met mine I knew what he meant. The connection between us didn't fade in those few months. We always knew what the other was thinking, even when the other fought so hard to stay in control of their emotions.

Here and now, though, Dimitri didn't fight to conceal the love he had for me. His eyes showed everything. He slowly bent his head towards me and kissed me softly on the lips at first, but our passion heated up the world around us as I locked my arms around his neck and pressed him into me.

When we broke apart, breathing heavily, he brushed a piece of hair out of my face and said, "If I'm not with you, Roza, I will never have everything."

One thing led to another after that one kiss. In those moments when I laid my head on his chest I thought that maybe he would stay here with me. I hoped he would tell me he had to stay and couldn't go back to Tasha because of how much he loved me.

Unfortunately my life is far from a fairy tale. He walked me back to my dorm that was on lockdown for the night following the attacks. And when we were finally sure that it was safe, I ventured to the gym thinking he would be there on the mats ready to take over as role as my mentor again.

Only no one was there.

"He left," a voice came from behind me.

I turned around to see Adrian standing in the doorway with a piece of paper in his hand. "How would you know?"

"He came and found me this morning," he said walking towards me. "He wanted me to give this to you." He held the paper out for me.

Roza,

I know this is going to be hard, but I can't walk away from my duty. Even though there is nothing in this world that I want to do more. I hope you, of all people, can understand my loyalty to my promise. Please do not call, I will not answer. We need time to heal and we cannot do that if we are talking to each other. Soon I hope we will be able to think of each other as a distant memory. Soon I hope to say my love for you has faded and my love for Tasha has grown.

I know you are going to great things as a guardian. You are one of the only people I know who really knows what it means to be a guardian. That's why I think you will understand my decision to leave.

Good luck on your test,

Dimitri

I looked up at Adrian, who probably read the letter already. His eyes said as much. When he reached out for me, I took a step back. I can't deal with being comforted right now.

"I wish you were a fire user," was all I said. Then I dropped the paper and walked out of the gym.

I could feel Adrian following me, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to runaway from the world right now. After everything we went through I thought he was finally going to let us be together, but his damn duty overruled his happiness. And mine too apparently.

I didn't understand like he thought I would. I never would understand why two people couldn't be happy together. He could have found someone else for Tasha. He could have come back to the Academy and become Lissa's guardian like it was always planned. We could have figured it out.

The truth is he didn't care about me that much if he could leave me. And soon he would love Tasha more than me.

I stayed in my room for the next three weeks. I acted as though I was on my probation again. I went to training with Alberta, then to classes, then back to Alberta, then straight to my room. Lissa tried to talk to me, but Adrian just shook his head every time she tried to say something to me.

He was the only one who knew anything about us. He was the only one to understand what I was going through. Lissa just thought I was depressed from everyone who has been killed this year. Mason first, now Eddie. Of course we didn't know if he was killed, or changed. Either way he was gone.

But Dimitri clouded my thoughts. I could barely eat anything, but I would still get sick. Sometimes the new tattoo I got from the attacks burn on the back of my neck. Like a reminder of what happened that day. So much happened.

"Rose, stop," Alberta commanded on day at practice. The trails were in two weeks and I wasn't nervous, but I still practiced harder than before.

"What?" I asked pushing the stray hair out of my face. "Am I doing something wrong?"

She shook her head. "Are you feeling alright?"

No, I thought. Right before I came here I started throwing up again and now cold sweat was dripping down my back making me feel worse. "Yeah, why?"

She raised her eyebrow at me. Was I the only guardian who couldn't do that? "You look pale. Are you sure you feel fine?"

I nodded. "Yes, I'm fine. I jus think I got food poisoning or something."

"From all the food you've been eating?" she asked skeptically.

Shit. So it wasn't a secret that I've been getting sick and not eating. "Look Guardian Petrov, I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine really."

"Come with me." She turned her heel and walked out of the gym not even checking if I would follow.

I debated for a moment, but thought it would do me no good if I didn't go with her so I followed her to the Clinic on the other side of campus.

"Why are we here?" I asked as we walked in and she asked for Dr. Olendzki.

"Trails are in two weeks. I would like to know what's wrong with you before we continue any training."

When Dr. Olendzki came, she and I went into one of the rooms and I sat on the bed. "Okay Rose, how have you been feeling?" she asked sitting on a stool opposite from me.

"Fine."

She smiled and nodded before taking out a thermometer. "Well your temperature is normal," she said after a minute. "Guardian Petrov told me you've been getting sick recently."

I rolled my eyes. Of course Alberta would tell her. "Yeah, but I'm fine. Really."

"I'll decide that," she said looking at her clipboard. "Okay have you had sexual intercourse with anyone in the past month."

I cringed. They made it sound weird. And why would they ask that question… oh. "Look, I know what you may be thinking, but I'm not pregnant. Trust me."

"That's not the answer I was looking for, Rose."

"Yes I have, but trust me I'm not pregnant."

"You know things can happen that-"

"I'm not pregnant! I wasn't with a Moroi or a human. I was with another dhampir," I said standing up. This wasn't something I wanted to talk about.

"Oh," said Dr. Olendski. Clearly I just crushed her theory. Rose: 1 Dr. Olendski: 0. "Well, how long have you felt sick then?"

"Just a couple of weeks."

"A couple of weeks? That seems a little long for a dhampir who is not supposed to contract illness."

"That doesn't mean that it never happens."

"True, but not for this long."

"Then," I said getting frustrated, "please tell me what you think could be wrong with me."

"I don't know exactly, but I would like you to take this," she said reaching into the desk beside her drawer. It was a pregnancy test.

"Dr. Olendski I just told you I slept with a dhampir. We can procreate with one another. One of God's sick jokes apparently."

"Well, then you shouldn't be worried about the outcome," she said handing me the test. "The bathroom is right there."

I sighed heavily and walked into the bathroom. There was no way I was pregnant. Dimitri was the only guy I have ever been with. And everyone knows that dhampirs can't have children with other dhampirs.

What if it was true, though? Is it some shadow kissed thing? Is it possible to have children with dhampirs if you are shadow kissed? Shit.

The next three minutes were the longest of my life. Alberta had found Lissa and told her I was here. She came into the bathroom to find me sitting on the floor staring at the stick resting on the sink.

She slid down the wall next to me. "Who's the father?"

"There is no father," I said bitterly.

"Rose."

I sighed and looked into her green eyes. She was worried about me. But she was also angry, hurt and confused that I didn't tell her I had had sex with someone.

"I couldn't tell you Lissa. I wanted to more than anything, but this was something I couldn't tell anyone," I whispered.

"Why not?" she asked anger building inside of her. She didn't understand how I could keep something like this from her. I was supposed to tell her everything because she told me everything.

I was hurt that Adrian was able to see my feelings for Dimitri and his for me even when we were fighting. How could a guy I had only known for five minutes see it, but my best friend couldn't?

"It doesn't matter, Lissa. He left me."

"Who left you?"

"Dimitri," I said so softly I would be surprised if she heard me.

But she did. And with that everything clicked together in her head. She couldn't believe she never saw it before. It was so obvious. But he left a few months ago…

"He was asked back when the Strigoi attacked the Academy. And one thing led to another…" I took a deep breath and look at the stick. I could read it now. Time was up. I just didn't want to. "Now I'm here."

She wrapped her arm around me shoulder and pulled me close to her. I leaned my head on her shoulder and let a single tear escape my eye. "He gave Adrian a letter telling me he couldn't abandon Tasha and his duties as a guardian. He hoped that soon his love for Tasha would overshadow his love fore me."

I could sense the disgust Lissa felt for Dimitri. The fact that he used me one night and cause me so much pain, just to tell me that he couldn't abandon his duty. She hated him for what he did to me. What he is doing to me, right now.

I sat up and grabbed her hands. "Lissa, calm down. It's okay. I'll be okay."

She gave a bitter laugh. "After everything you are going through you are still comforting me." She slumped further down the wall. "Life's not fair."

I slumped with her. "It's never been fair to us."

She looked over to me and then back at the sink. "You should look."

"Could you?"

She nodded and grabbed it. Then she walked over to me and set it on the floor for both of us to read.

A little pink plus filled the screen.


A/n: I hoped you liked it! Please review and tell me what you thought!