Title: Hold On Love

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Pre 'At Rest' Season 5

Summary: My attempt at correcting the utter madness that is Season 6!

Pairings: I will never write anything other than M/S!

This is the first of 3 chapters...maybe 4 if I ramble!


She really hadn't wanted to be alone that night. When you're alone thoughts have a habit of creeping up on you and the opportunity for introspection becomes unavoidable.

You start to think about all the mistakes you have made and continue to make, you come to realizations you discover you had made a long time ago.

You think about the regrets in your life, all the bad decisions you made and how it is now too late to rectify them and slowly but surely you realize that your life is an inescapable mess and that sometimes, it really is too late.

Samantha had no intention of mulling over her own tumultuous existence that night so a bar and a couple of drinks seemed like the perfect remedy to self reflection.

The bar was crowded that evening, every table was occupied by groups of colleagues out for an after-work 'pick me up' or couples too preoccupied in each other to notice the music overhead or the constant sea of chatter from the faceless bodies around them.

Sam didn't mind the noise, it drowned out her own persistent inner voice and the sea of anonymous bodies was oddly comforting. It made her feel less alone, seemed to make her solitude less obvious, or at least that was the idea. But sitting there surrounded by all those people, plunged into the hum of their conversations and the sound of joyful laughter, she had never felt more alone.

It had started out being a fairly good day in her books; the sun was shining, no new cases had been passed their way, it had been quiet and uneventful, even pleasant.

Over the past few months it had been easier to be around him, they had somehow found themselves friends once again, able to laugh and joke with each other, share quiet moments and find that level of comfort they had lost when their relationship had ended.

She found herself sitting at home at the end of each day, quietly reflecting on the day's events and discovering over and over again that the moments she remembered, the ones that brought a smile to her face, where moments she had spent with him.

His closeness, his smile, the warmth and tenderness she still found reflected in his blue eyes…everything about him reminded her constantly of the enormity of her mistake. It reminded her of just what she had so recklessly thrown away…it reminded her that she still loved him.

So once again she had made the first move, or endeavored to at least. In an act of either bravery or stupidity, she still wasn't sure which… she had asked him to go for a drink with her that evening.

Samantha skirted nervously around the side of Martin's desk and leant back tentatively on the edge her arms folded tightly across her chest in an all too defensive gesture.

"Hey Martin?"

"Yeah?" he picked his jacket up from the back of his chair and slowly pulled it on as he watched her fumble nervously with the button on her jacket and bite down thoughtfully on her bottom lip, "is everything ok?"

"Yeah," she nodded, standing up straight and running her hand haphazardly through her hair, "I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to get a drink or something?"

Martin exhaled slowly and practically winced as the words left her lips, "I…I uhm…"

"If you have plans, I understand, I just thought…" she backpedaled quickly, feeling her heart suddenly crushed in her chest.

"No, no," he shook his head, glancing toward the door and then back at her, clearly torn in his decision, "it's just, I have this thing…"

"Oh," Samantha nodded in understanding, "a date?"

Martin remained silent and merely held her gaze, allowing the seconds to tick by uncomfortably before he finally answered, "Yeah."

"Right," Sam licked her lips that had now become unbearably dry and glanced down at the floor. It would hurt too much to look at him right now, especially if she saw pity in his eyes. He had moved on, that was the end of it.

"Sam…wait…" Martin sighed as she walked briskly over to her desk and picked up her purse.

"Have a good night," she added, avoiding his gaze as she hurried out toward the elevators, praying the tears now pricking her eyes would remain unshed as she left the building.

If she had only looked back at him she would have seen that it wasn't pity etched across his face in that moment… it was regret.

xxxx

Sam took a long sip of her drink and placed the glass down heavily on the dark wood of the bar top, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers as she once again berated herself for approaching him.

"He's an idiot!"

"Excuse me?!" Sam looked up quizzically, finding herself staring up at the amused smirk of the bartender before her.

"The guy you're thinking about right now, he's a loser!" he smiled charmingly and leant on the bar, his blue eyes eagerly taking in every inch of her.

Samantha groaned inwardly, clearly this was an act he had patented and judging by his all too cocky smile, it was one he had found great success with.

"Who says I'm thinking about a guy?" she challenged, deciding to play along with his routine as she slid an olive from the cocktail stick and chewed on it distractedly.

The barman winced approvingly and smiled, "Mmm…another woman?" he pretended to ponder this momentarily and cocked an eyebrow, "I think I'm gonna take a second here and think about that too!"

Sam laughed and rolled her eyes. She knew exactly where this was headed, she'd been here many times before and with every sip of her drink it was becoming easier to ignore the warning voice in the back of her mind.

"So…you wanna tell me about it?" he asked, ignoring the irritated stare of his colleague who passed him briskly.

Samantha narrowed her eyes and smiled, "And why would I want to talk to you?"

The barman shrugged, "It goes with the job, listening to people's problems. You'd be surprised what people will tell you after a couple of these!" he picked up her empty glass pointedly.

"Does this usually work for you?" Sam dropped the cocktail stick into her glass and raised an eyebrow as he stared at her blankly.

"Does what work for me?"

"This…this whole I'm a great listener' act."

The bartender folded his arms across his chest and paused, "Why? It's not working for you?" he smiled comically and ran his hand through his hair.

"Not so much," Samantha shook her head, "sorry."

"Damn. You think I need new material?" he grinned, hoping to draw her in with a well practiced self-effacing smile.

Sam glanced slowly around the bar as she thought over her options. There were so many reasons why this was a bad idea, but the idea of going home to an empty apartment tonight was too much to bear.

He was handsome, fairly amusing she supposed and more importantly, he wanted her. He would be an easy distraction, she never had to see him again and she knew he had no intention of beginning anything deep and meaningful. It would just be casual, emotionless sex, nothing more.

She could handle that; no emotions, no feelings, she had been living like that all her life.

xxxx

From the doorway, a familiar pair of eyes took in the scene before them, watching as the bartender continued to stare at Samantha in a blatantly predatory gesture.

Martin jammed his hands in his pockets and sighed as he saw her flirting with the stranger before her. He thought things had changed, thought she had changed, yet as he saw her once again contemplating another irrevocably bad decision, he knew he had been wrong.

After her unexpected proposition that evening and after much soul searching, he had called to cancel his date.

If truth be told his heart had not been in it anyway and he had pondered many times that week if it was fair to even see this woman when he knew his heart still belonged unwillingly to another.

He could see no escape from Samantha; she consumed his every waking thought and invaded all his most vivid dreams. The memory of her would not be exorcised and despite trying to move on with his life, trying to overcome the constant longing and yearning he felt to have her in his arms once again, she was still there; Still haunting him, still pulling him to her with her dark eyes and gentle smile.

He hadn't wanted to let her go and after walking the streets for almost an hour thinking over his decision, he had found himself in the bar he knew she frequented. He didn't know what he'd say or do when he saw her, he had no great romantic speeches planned, he just knew he needed to be with her; all he knew was that he loved her.

Martin stepped aside to allow a couple to exit the bar, running his hand over his handsome face as he watched her once again give herself freely to yet another undeserving man.

He wanted to walk over to the bar and drag her outside, ask her why once again she was so seemingly adamant to make the worst possible choices for herself. She was worth so much more than this and he had hoped to one day make her realize her true worth. But the self destructive streak in Samantha was just too strong to fight and maybe it wasn't even his job to try anymore.

If this was what she wanted he wouldn't interfere, this was her decision to make and so with a heavy heart, he glanced at her once more before slowly turning and walking out of the door.

He was making a decision… he was finally letting her go.

xxxx

The bartender placed another Martini down in front of Samantha and kept his hand around the stem of the glass to prompt her to meet his gaze. His shift was ending soon and he had no intention of ending the evening alone.

"Look… I get off in half an hour, you wanna get out of here?" he smiled good naturedly as he watched her obviously thinking over his proposition.

Sam traced her fingertip around the edge of the glass and nodded slowly, her decision finally made, "Yeah, I do."

He grinned triumphantly and set the checkered towel back under the bar, choosing to ignore the flash of indecision across her face as she plastered a clearly fake smile on her pretty face.

"Samantha…" she stated, having no intention of going beyond divulging her first name.

The barman smiled and peered at her somewhat smugly, proud of his efforts that evening as he introduced himself to his latest conquest.

"Brian."