I've only known Edward for a couple of weeks. We barely talked, and the first time I met him, he wanted to kill me.

I'm unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Most people would ceaselessly dislike anyone who gave a bad first impression. Well Edward, you see, gave a bad first impression . . . second impression . . . third—

—but I forgave him. Once I found out his secret, it all made sense. Who am I kidding; it never made sense. He's so confusing and sexually frustrated and I seriously do not know why I am attracted to him. I blame the author.

It all started out when I moved to Forks from Phoenix. Why, you ask? Well, it seemed fun at the time. I completely regret it, but I have to admit that there were a lot of things that happened to me in Forks that were considered 'fun'. I was always awkward, and yet I managed to make friends.

Blah, blah, blah. . . I'm boring you, huh? I guess my life story isn't so interesting after all. Sigh. Please proceed to read the unlikely story of Bella Swan (future MiZz CulLeN) in the third-person point of view. Dun dun dun.

Unlikely story of Bella Swan in the Third-Person Point of View

She walked slowly towards the principal's office of Forks High to retrieve her schedule. On her way, she tripped. More than once, I might add. She decided to skip like a little girl, forgetting that there was a higher risk of her falling.

She was Bella Swan.

No one knows why in the world would she want to live in Forks. Forks. Saying the name makes me sick because it reminds me of her. She hated rain. She hated the 'greenness'. Even after naming those reasons, she still came to contaminate the tiny town of Forks. What the hell is wrong with this bitc—

"Excuse me? I'm, uh, Bella Swan," she said to the lady at the counter. "I, uh, need my schedule." She bit her lip fiercely; that was one of her habits. She didn't notice it made her buck teeth much more noticeable.

"We've been awaiting your arrival," the kind woman replied, "Welcome to Forks High."

Bella smiled slightly and walked out, only to be greeted by some guy. He had silky, black helmet hair and was of Asian descent.

"I'm Eric," he greeted.

"I'm Bella," she said in a monotone voice.

It was clear to everyone what he wanted, but no one said a thing about it. Fine, I'll tell you. He wanted to get laid but the Twilight books were for young adults and no one wanted to write a description of the boner that formed as he stood a few inches from the first girl to come in contact with him.

. . .

In Gym, some dumb person decided to spike the ball over to Bella. What the hell. Everyone knows she can't play volleyball for her life.

. . .

This story is getting boring, so let's head over to Edward Cullen.

Spoiler: he's a vampire. Vampire. Sparkly vampire. He SPARKLES. I don't know about you, but this is not attractive.

Anyhow, she met him in Biology. He stared at her like he wanted to kill her. She found it attractive. She went all stalker-mode and started seducing a boy named Jacob to spill the secrets of the Cullen clan.

What. The. Fu—

So yeah, he was totally okay with her knowing his secret. He constantly told her how much he wanted to eat her, but she didn't mind. Something was obviously wrong with her brain; she even admitted it.

This story is boring so goodbye. I'm going through Writer's Block.