I'm baaaaaack! For those of you who haven't read "Purgatory Bust" or Sinister Shadow's "Visser Three's Diary" or "Visser Three's Journal", this might not be your kind of story…yet.
Okay, everyone's favorite fivesome--is that a word?--is included in this marvelous edition: Visser Three, Visser One, Iniss 226, Ellie, and Councilor Eight! Read and see what chaos can befall the funny, horny, insane group, with some help from a certain Dragon. So…shall we?
This piece is dedicated to Sinister Shadow for being such a great author of both humor and angst, especially with the V3 trilogy, and Darth Vader es cool 5 with his two awesome pieces, "Defiled Heart" and "Visser Three's Diary two". As well as anyone else who's reviewed my stories, especially GimeGohan and Brutal2003 with their in depth questions on "The Demons".
Warning: Do not, I mean, DO NOT READ THIS IIIIF: You do not want to see limes and lemons activity, high levels of violence, religious propaganda, nasty language, and/or Iniss acting like a perverted idiot.
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Memo Number 1:
Am I supposed to say "Dear Memo" or "Hello Memo" or "Listen to me, you worthless piece of Andalite filth"? I'm not too sure. Why is it that everyone knows how to greet diaries, journals, or even, God forbid, notebooks, but not memos? Oh well, it's probably one of life's unfinished questions, like the Holy Grail or where my chocolate disappeared this time.
Anyways, have I mentioned how TOTALLY great it is to be back? No, not to you, you dapsen, the Blade Ship! I've been in New York for the past week.
You're probably thinking, "What's so bad about that? New York's awesome, and at least it isn't Mexico." Well, if that's what's on your mind, YOU ARE RE-TARD-DED. For one: I had to spend it with Visser One, my greatest nemesis of all time, always getting in the way of the rank I deserve. Two, there was also that psycho path R-D who got us arrested for "inconceivable behavior" in public. Three, before the Big Apple, I got sent to Purgatory.
Okay, before I explain, I am noooot crazy! We got hit by a Mack truck, all three of us, and were sent to this astral-travel, anti-existence place where we had to pay off debts--or what humans call "sins". Anyways, in the end we learned our lesson, got sent back to Earth in our bodies, and GOD HELP ME, if anyone, ANYONE at all, reads this, I'll throw you out the nearest airlock. I'm not getting sent to the cuckoo house, you hear me? I'm not insane!
Ahem, um, anyways…
Before I go on, I'd like to add something about R-D, which is shortened for "Risika-Dragon". She's a nutcase, an insane, weird, freaky, crazy wackodoo. Think of the guy on the street who's muttering about the Apocalypse. Well, R-D makes that guy sane. So, if you ever see a brunette scarfing tacos, wielding a baseball bat, and cursing out on The Da Vinci Code, just run. Run for your sorry ass life.
Anyways, back to my own life, where I have a perverted, crazy P.A. named Iniss 226, and a freakishly annoying, pink-addicted intern named Ellie…I forgot the number. What? Why should I remember? She's worse than Iniss, because she's attracted to him. Let me repeat, out of all the young, decent males in the Yeerk Empire, she's got the hots for that DORK! Not that I really care or anything.
I mean, it would be like me caring about Visser One and Councilor Eight. I hate her and hope that guy rapes her bad, even if she has that perfectly shaped host body with that soft, long ebony hair I adore…
Um, you DID NOT read that. Moving on…
It was twelve o' clock in the morning. How do I know? Because I'm the only Andalite-Controller and Andalites have the ability to keep track of time, DUH. Wow, you're really slow today, Memo. Even Norm knows that…maybe…he's a little…okay, a LOT special. Not in a "he's so cute, can I pet him," special, but a "are you retarded, you moron" special? I mean, I caught the guy trying to make moves on Visser One. Not that I care about her, I just hold up some gentlemen virtues. You didn't know that either? Well, you were probably brainwashed by those freakin' Andalite Bandits.
Anyways, it was 12:00 a.m. exact, right when I had for ONCE fallen asleep and was enjoying a dream that involved frying up some Andalites and eating Ani-burgers. Delicious. Though, it was weird, what with the whole Andalite-Controller thing going on. Am I cannibal, or something? Whatever, they were juicy and yummy.
I was getting to the part where I found the Andalite bandits and…
"Visser, LIKE HELP!" Ellie screamed.
WHUMP! I rolled out of bed and did a face plant on the tiled floor of my room. Why hadn't I listened to Councilor Four and had it carpeted? I climbed to my hooves, very PISSED OFF now as you'd guess, and stumbled into the living room-sorta place of my apartment.
(What's the matter this time, Ellie?) I yawned and rubbed my eyes. (Forget to lock your door on Iniss again?)
Ellie was on top of a stool in a frilly pink nightgown, pointing frantically at the ground in her panic. "No, like no, V-v-visser Three. There's like a snake or something crawling on the floor! AH! Get it away, like get it away!"
Yeah, you see, Ellie is the ultimate version of a girly-girl. She always wears pink something with her red hair, has to include "like" in every sentence, and apparently, is deathly afraid of serpents. Again, why me, Akdor?
(Ellie, for one, snakes don't crawl, they slither.) Thank you Animal Planet, for your ever winding wisdom on Earth's creepy crawlies. (Two, who by Seerow's Kindness, would have a snake on the Blade Ship? We don't even bring cats.)
Yeah, you see, the Andalite Bandits tried to spy on us using an Earth feline morph in Iniss's human shelter. I told him to kill it, but noooo, the dapsen thought he was soooo right. In believing that, the little monsters escaped our clutches AGAIN. Damn, it feels like some kind of mentally challenged Pok'e'mon episode when it comes to them, with us being Team Rocket. Maybe we do need a cat… I heard they had talking ones on the Hork-Bajir homeworld.
Ellie leaped off the stool and pounced on me, trying to stay on me and off the ground. Teeth chattering, she stuttered, "L-l-like, it's on th-the f-fl-floor! Under th-the c-c-couch!"
(Fine,) I grumbled and kneeled down behind the couch. I lifted the flap and peered underneath.
Hsss…
Two, beady black eyes glared at me and the snake flickered a little, black tongue at me, tickling my slitted nostrils.
(Holy shit,) I grumbled. (You were right for once.)
"AAAAHHHH! Like, kill it, kill it!" Ellie cried and grabbed my eyestalks.
(OW! Let go, you dapsen! OW! Get off, off!) I bucked wildly and she only held on tighter. Ever watch one of the Spanish idiots straddle a bull and stay on for eight seconds? Ellie would've won that contest, because she wouldn't LET GO! (YOUCH! You're going to PULL my EYE STALKS OUT! Let go, let go!)
"Kill it, kill it!" Ellie whimpered, for once not saying "like".
Iniss decided to come in that moment, watching the pair of us with an awed amusement and cocking his head to the side. "Visser, what're you and Ellie doing?" He slammed a fist in his open palm. "I know, I know, an Egyptian sex dance!"
(WHAT!) I cried, rearing my back legs up to try to knock Ellie off.
Iniss cowered and hid behind a chair, before I "accidentally" kicked him in the face. He whimpered, "I thought we were playing charades!" He continued to stare like the dumbass he was. "So, what're you doing?"
Ellie decided to be kind enough to answer. "THERE'S LIKE A SNAKE ON THE FLOOR! KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!" She wasn't kind enough to NOT scream in my ears. Ow.
"A sn-sn-snake?" Iniss cried and jumped on the chair. "Where? Where? Where?" He started slapping his back, butt, and stomach. "It's on me, isn't it! It's on me, oh Kandrona! Get it off, get it off!"
So there we were, in the night's usual insanity. Me bucking and kicking, trying to knock my intern off my already sore back, while Iniss slapped his own self silly and screamed and bawled like a fricking infant. Shoot me.
"Silas!" a new voice cried.
Oh no, oh no. You know how those people were freaking out in Jurassic Park when the water rippled in the glass as the T-rex came closer? Multiply that by a MILLION! See, I recognized that voice, the one that brought up thoughts of Purgatory in my nightmares. I turned around to see…
"VISSER THREE!" R-D rushed over to me, even as I was still wrestling with Ellie, and grabbed my hand, shaking it crazily like the asylum refugee she was. "Good to see you, my blue-centaur friend! Have you seen Silas?"
(Does he happen to have scales and a forked tongue!) I asked.
R-D beamed, grinning widely at me. "Yes, yes! Where is he?"
(Under--OW!--the--OW! Get her off me!)
R-D jumped forward and wrapped her arms around Ellie's stomach, wrenching her off, but managing all three of us to fall over in a tangle of legs and arms and tail. As you may have guessed, Iniss was still freaking out, ignoring us.
I sighed and pointed at the couch. (He's under the sofa.)
R-D reached under and groped for "Silas". Let me remind you, Memo, it was a SNAKE. Knowing that nutcase, it was probably a poisonous one, a dangerous one, like a cobra or mamba or rattlesnake. Don't ask me how she'd get one, all I know is that it wouldn't be done legally.
R-D pulled her hand out, latched onto the middle of a pale, yellowish serpent about four-and-a-half-feet long. She cuddled the snake and kissed it's snout. Kee-issed it's fricking snout! "Aww, were you scared? Poor, wittle Silas, the scary pink lady frightened you!" She let the snake wrap around her belly and hugged it's head. "Mommy's here!"
It just made you want to either go "aw" too or puke. R-D was treating a serpent like a three-year-old baby, wearing black jeans and a similar black top with "BITE ME!" in red on the front.
"Visser Three, meet Silas, Silas, meet Visser Three," R-D cooed. "He's an albino boa constrictor. Isn't he beautiful? I found him all alone in a little box in an animal jail. It was horrible! All the food they gave him were tiny mice. The inhumanity! He needs birds and rats and squirrels and rabbits to grow!"
(How did you get here?) I asked. (Visser One and I left you on the subway in New York! How did you get to California, find a Bug Fighter or whatever, and make it into my Blade Ship?)
"Hmm…" R-D blinked. "I forget. But it wasn't easy, I can tell you that. And I made a little, erm, pit stop at a certain barn." She chuckled at whatever dumb joke it was.
Iniss stopped leaping around for one SECOND and stared at R-D. "Who are you?"
Oh yeah, Visser One and I had also decided to keep R-D in with the Purgatory secret.
"My name is Risika-Dra--" She stopped and blinked for a moment, shaking her head. "I mean, this HUMAN host is Risika Dragonnair, but my Yeerk name is Rissa 626. I'm Visser Three's new secretary." She did a little salute for me. "Reporting for duty, SIR!"
And that's how I'll end this Memo. Now, not only do I have a girly intern and a pussy personal assistant, now I've got an insane secretary and her snake. Whoopee for me. Right now she's sleeping on the sofa with Silas curled around her. I hope it strangles her a little. Anyways, since it might sound saner by a degree, I'll just call her "Rissa" instead of "R-D", until I find some lowlife willing to host her.
But then, she knows about the secret of Purgatory so… Crap. Guess we'll have to keep her free, for now…
She better not screw up the plans the Council of Thirteen set up for the Noorena galaxy, which they're sending themselves and the top twenty Vissers to. See, the Hork-Bajir army we have is okay, but these Noorens apparently are cooler and better--well, anything's better than a stupid Hork-Bajir host. Well, maybe not a Taxxon. Ew.
I'll be signing off for now, Memo. I need my sleep since we'll be there in two days. Two days before I have to confront that evil witchy whore bitch, Visser One. Yawn, okay, good night, sleep tight, don't let Silas bite. Hey, wait, are boas stranglers or biters?
Another question for another day. Or very, very, early morning.
Okay, I'm rambling, time for sleep.
Until my return,
Visser Three, Esplin 9466
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So, how was it Sin? Darth? Should I go on with this little insanity? NO MARY SUES, YAY! Anyways, as always, R&R, or PM me, or both.
