'The Slayer Bride'
Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS or the Princess Bride (TPB), but maybe if I close my eyes, click my heels three times and spin around I will!
AN: this is my Buffyverse version of my favorite movie and one of my favorite books 'The Princess Bride'. The pairings will be Spuffy with a bit of Buffy/Riley, I know it's horrible, but everyone knows Buttercup didn't really love Prince Humperdinck anyway. Spike and Westley are two of my favorite male characters ever, so that is what inspired this story. Set mid season 4. AU a little bit. Spike was never with Harmony.
This intro is based on the intro of TPB which talks about Buttercup rising through the ranks of the most beautiful women in the world, so this is my slayer-y version. I'm basing this on the book not the movie version even though they are very similar. Sorry I prattled on so much, enjoy.
Chapter 1- What's your Kryptonite?
The year Buffy Summers was born, the most powerful girl in the world was a French slayer named Annette. She was a seemingly flawless slayer, possessing both refined and innovative fighting skills and a brilliant intellect as well as a great passion for serving the greater good. She worked mainly at the hell mouth in Paris where her main nemesis was a master vampire known as 'The Duke', whom the Watcher's Council was sure she'd soon turn to dust some way or another. Scared for his un-life, The Duke set about studying Annette and shortly found his adversary's one and only tragic vice.
Chocolate.
So, one heart-shaped, poisoned box of chocolates from a 'secret admirer' later and there was one very dead slayer.
The year Buffy turned ten; the most powerful young woman in the world lived in Bengal, the daughter of a successful tea merchant. She lived to slay an insurmountable number of deadly night things before a smallpox epidemic broke out in her village when she was 19. The demon population survived, the girl did not.
When Buffy was fifteen, Adela Terrell, of Sussex was 'the chosen one', and easily the most powerful girl in the world. Adela was twenty and so far did she outdistance her predecessors that the Watcher's council was certain that she would be aorund to slay for many years to come.
Gosh, those guys got things wrong a lot, didn't they?
Adela was a killing machine, but also very vain. One fateful night she was hunting a master vampire in an abandoned castle when she found herself in the castle's hall of mirrors. She was so entranced by her own reflection that she didn't notice the very non-reflective vampire creeping up behind her until nanoseconds before he snapped her neck. She lived fast, and died young and beautiful.
Buffy, of course, at fifteen, knew none of this. And if you had told her she would have thought you were one Crayola Crayon short of the box. For starters, vampires weren't real, and why would a teen girl care about whether she was the stealthiest or the strongest or the bravest girl in the world when she had her Homecoming Queen campaign to plan? What difference would it make if you were only the third most powerful? Or the sixth?
Buffy at this time was nowhere near that high, being barely in the top twenty most powerful girls, and that was primarily based on potential, certainly not on any particular training she had done. She hated getting all sweaty and she had only become a cheerleader in order to climb the social ladder, not to build slaying muscles. Her priorities were her friends, her reputation and her shopping; but all that was about to change…
Buffy sighed as she remembered that naïve fifteen year old girl, it had been four years since she had been called, but it seemed like an eternity. She had changed a lot, and learned a lot in her short time as 'The Slayer'. For instance she had learnt that being the 'chosen one', the most powerful girl in the world didn't make you invulnerable. It still hurt as much emotionally when a friend was hurt or worse…or when she was ridiculed. Being the strongest hadn't made her life easier, it had made it more rewarding at times, but also more demanding and difficult and sometimes almost too hard to bear.
What made Buffy's life easier was her (on the most part) loyal Scooby Gang, her support group that was there for her in the face of apocalypse time and time again. She was thankful that she wasn't alone, like almost every other slayer had been. She couldn't imagine how lonely they must have been carrying that burden by themselves.
She quickly counted her blessings in the shape of her friends and allies. Giles, her second father, who was never afraid to take a more hands on approach than being a watcher detailed, and who stayed with her even after he was fired and told to leave. Willow and Xander, her best friends in the world with Anya the comically abrupt ex-demon in tow, a welcome addition to the team.
And then there was Spike.
Buffy was starting to feel like she could kinda, sort of count him as an ally, even if he said he was only helping because killing things made him feel all manly. She thought there was more to it than that, hoped there was more to it than that. She thought he was starting to like her.
Bad Buffy, she scolded herself, He is an evil soulless monster and you shouldn't care how he feels about you!
But she had to admit that she did. Ever since Willow did her stupid I-will-it-so spell and made them think they were engaged she'd seen him in a whole new light. Willow had made them engaged but it was their own messed up brains that had come up with the idea that they would have to be in love as well, and the sweet way in which Spike had treated her had awoken in her a desire for an uplifting love, a love that made you happy, carefree and affectionate; something she'd never really had with Angel.
That, and she couldn't stop thinking about the way he had kissed her. Damn it, why did he have to be such a good kisser? She wanted to do it again but she felt stupid for feeling that way. Her friends would never understand and besides, he'd never feel the same way about her, she was his mortal enemy. He'd probably laugh in her face if she told him she was having warm and fuzzy feelings for the 'Big bad'. She didn't really like him that much anyway, she told herself.
Stupid neutered vampire, toying with my emotions, breaking up my relationships.
She had told Riley that she was engaged whilst under the spell, and even though she'd explained the best she could afterwards, it had created a rift between them, and the fact that he was secretly one of the commandoes who chipped Spike had only pushed them further apart. With the feelings she tried to deny having for the aforementioned vampire, she didn't think their relationship would ever be restored. Buffy was starting to think that Spike might be her Kryptonite.
Buffy had gone out on patrol to try and distract herself from her thoughts and bad lusty feelings, but so far the night had been painfully demon-free so she had got with the thoughtfulness. It was at that moment that a familiar voice pulled her from her ponderings…
"Buffy? Hi!" Buffy turned to find her ex-classmate Harmony Kendall in the alley behind her, looking the same as ever, except perhaps a bit paler, but it could have been the lights.
"Harmony, hi." she replied, quickly stowing her stake in her jacket pocket, "I haven't seen you since—"
"Since Graduation," Harmony nodded, "Big snake huh?"
"Yeah. So, how was your summer vacation?"
"Well I was gonna go to France, but I didn't. I was dying to see the stores."
"Yeah, and the museums." Buffy had always wanted to go to the Louvre.
"Museums?" Harmony looked confused. Right, she probably wasn't into that kinda thing.
"Yeah, I heard they have them." Buffy supplied with a feigned roll of the eyes.
Harmony laughed, "You always were so funny, Buffy. You haven't changed at all!"
"No, you neither."
She chuckled darkly, "Oh, maybe a little."
That was all the warning Buffy had before her former classmate vamped out and grabbed Buffy, beginning to feed before she could retrieve her stake from her jacket.
Buffy was beginning to lose consciousness when Harmony was violently tossed aside, causing the Slayer to collapse on the ground. Two firm hands grasped her waist and helped her right herself, it took her a minute to realize that her savior was the man she had been preoccupied with only moments ago; it was Spike! She looked at him in surprise as he turned to face Harmony, he must have followed her for some reason, but she was glad he had.
Harmony gave an uncharacteristic snicker. Buffy was still unable to stand on her own, so Spike couldn't attack her. Harmony ran her gaze over the other vampire, clearly checking him out. Buffy couldn't help but glare at her.
"Well hello Mr. Blonde, Gorgeous and Dead," the female vampire purred seductively, "How 'bout I show you how to really go bump in the night."
"Maybe some other time, pet." Spike said sarcastically.
"Fine. You don't know what you're missing." Harmony snapped before making a hasty exit.
Spike turned back to Buffy, looking for all the world like he was actually concerned for her well being. "You alright, luv?" he asked.
Buffy nodded, she could feel that she was almost back to her full strength.
"She's feisty isn't she?" Spiked said regarding Harmony. Buffy felt that she really did not want to talk about the new vampire.
"Yeah, the whole demon thing hasn't really helped her attitude problem." Spike laughed at her grumblings.
"Thank you, by the way." Buffy said sincerely, looking directly into Spike's intense blue eyes.
Spike looked away and Buffy almost thought she caught him blush a little. "Yeah well, don't go all 'Spike, you're my hero' on me. I just don't want anyone else 'sides me killing you, is all"
"You're a pig Spike. Leave me alone." Buffy said harshly, masking her true feelings before she stalked of out of the alleyway, with Spike sauntering off angrily in the direction Harmony had gone with a muttered, "As you wish."
Buffy wasn't sure whether Spike meeting up with Harmony would be a good thing or a bad thing. She could only hope that his intentions were to turn her to dust.
Buffy finally got back to her dorm room, Willow was already fast asleep.
Buffy lay on her bed. She closed her eyes, but all she could see was Harmony staring at Spike.
Buffy got up from bed. She took off her clothes. She washed a little. She changed into her yummy sushi pajamas. She slipped between her sheets, snuggled down, and closed her eyes.
Harmony was still staring at Spike!
Buffy threw back the sheets, opened the window. She went to the sink and poured herself a cup of water. She drank it down. She poured another cup and rolled its coolness across her flushed face. She felt feverish.
How was she feverish? She was the slayer; she should be healthy as a freaking horse. She dumped the water firmly into the sink and marched back to her bed. She closed her eyes.
Harmony would not stop staring at Spike! Actually she was more ogling Spike really.
Why? Why would a woman who could have any man in the world, even when she was a vampire, be interested in Spike? And there was simply no other way of explaining that look—she was interested. Buffy shut her eyes tight and studied the memory of her encounter with her former classmate. Clearly, something about the neutered vampire had interested her. Facts where Factual. But what? Spike had eyes of the most vivid and beautiful blue, like the sea before a storm, but who cared about eyes? And his hair did look kinda cool bleached blonde, if you were into that sort of thing. And he was broad enough in the shoulders, but not as broad as half the guys Harmony had dated in high school. And certainly he was muscular, but he'd have to be, with all the fighting he does. And his skin was a lovely alabaster color, but all vampires were pale. He wasn't taller than most guys, but his stomach was flatter, but that was just another fight-y vampire-y thing.
Buffy sat up in bed. It must be his teeth! Spike definitely had good teeth, especially for a creature that drank blood, so kudos where kudos was due. They particularly looked nice with the rest of his face…
Could it have been anything else? Buffy concentrated. Some girls at the bronze followed him around when he was there, but they were mainly hormonal morons, they'd follow anyone around. And he ignored them, because if he had opened his mouth, they might have realized looks were all he had, he always said the most stupid things.
It was really very strange that a woman as beautiful and slender and willowy and graceful, a vampire so perfectly packaged and as supremely dressed as Harmony should be hung up on teeth that way. Buffy shrugged. Harmony was vapid. But now she had it all diagnosed, deduced, and clear. She closed her eyes and snuggled down and got all nice and comfy-like, and people/vampires do not look at other people/vampires the way that Harmony looked at Bleach Boy because of their teeth.
"Oh." Buffy gasped, "Oh, oh crap."
Now behind her eyes Spike was staring back at Harmony. He was strolling towards her in a very Spike-like way, and his muscles were rippling as they always did under his shirt, and Buffy was standing there as her vampire looked, for the first time, deep into Harmony's eyes.
Buffy jumped out of bed and began to pace the room. How could he? Oh, it was alright for him to look at her, but he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at her and she was still undressing him with her eyes.
"But she's such a bitch…" Buffy muttered, starting to storm a bit now. Harmony would never see thirty and that was a fact, but that didn't mean she was better than Buffy. She looked rotten the minute she stepped into the alleyway with her too big painted mouth and her painted little piggy eyes and her powdered skin and…and…and…
Flailing and thrashing like no one else could, Buffy wept and tossed and paced some more. There have been three great cases of jealousy in all of history, and the Slayer's case rated a close fourth on the all-time list.
It was a very long night filled with greenness.
Buffy found herself at his crypt in Restfield Cemetery just before dawn. Inside she could hear him up and moving around. She knocked before she lost her nerve and ran away, which wouldn't have been a very slayer-y thing to do. He appeared and stood in the door way looking at her in surprise. He waited. She looked at him. Then she looked away.
He was too beautiful.
"I love you," Buffy said. "I know this must come as something of a surprise, since all I've ever done is scorn you and degrade you and taunt you and kick your ass, but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more. I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has loved a man, but half an hour after that I knew what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was puddle-y compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well, probably not seeing as you don't have a reflection and all…Well they are.
" How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter."Buffy could feel the heat of the rising sun at her back; she knew she had to be quick.
"I love you so much more now than I did twenty minutes ago that there cannot be comparison. I love you so much more now than when you opened your crypt door that there cannot be comparison. There is no room in my body for anything other than you and its freaking insane, I know, but my arms adore you, my eyes adore you, Buffy is all with the adoringness. Do you want me to crawl for the rest of my days? I'd do that for you. I'd do it for all the reasons I love you. Anything that I can do for you; I will do. Anything I can't do for you; I'll get someone to teach me to do. I know I can't exactly compete with Harmony in the looks department, and I saw the way she looked at you. And I saw the way you looked at her. But remember, please, that she is a stupid, spiteful bitch and has other interests, while for me there is only you, and slaying duties, but I don't really have much of a choice about that, do I? Dearest William—I never called you that before have I?—William, William, William, William—all I'm asking is that you give me a chance to win you love."
And with that she did the bravest thing she had ever done, braver than facing prophesized death, braver than killing her first love, braver then anything to do with slaying: she looked him right in the eyes.
He closed the door in her face.
