FADE IN:
INT. RICK'S SHIP - SOMEWHERE IN THE MULTIVERSE
RICK leans back in his chair while the ship cruises on autopilot. MORTY releases a heavy sigh.
MORTY
Oh - oh man, I really thought we were gonna die back there.
RICK
We didn't have anything to worry about. Those insects couldn't tell a shift stick from a hydraulic shield.
MORTY
But weren't you scared Rick? Not even when -
RICK
Not even then. Now shut up before you ruin it, you're starting to remind me more and more of that loser father of yours.
MORTY
I'm not a loser, Rick. I'm gonna grow and have all the sex - I mean - success! One day I'm gonna be so sex-sucsexessful, and then -
The engine shudders, and RICK frowns.
RICK
What the hell was that? We've already had all the bareback - all the setbacks we can handle for one night.
MORTY
Then let's get out of here. Just tap that ass, I mean - hit the gas! Something weird is happening, Rick...
RICK
Yeah, tit sure is.
MORTY
Huh?
RICK
"Tit" sure is? What the hell kind of cheap, rudimentary excuse for a -
MORTY
I don't think we're gonna get very hard - far! Urgh!
The ship blinks, before losing power all at once, like an old string of christmas lights.
RICK
Greaaaat. (BELCHING) Whelp. Looks like we just fell face first into a Freudian slip. I'm grabbing a sex-pack. I mean six-pack. Fuck it.
MORTY
A what? What the glop is going on, who's gonna fly the ship?
RICK
Now you haven't heard of a beer? In case you haven't noticed, the ship isn't moving. Ergo, we're cucked - stuck.
MORTY
So we just need to get...unstuck?
RICK
The only way to get out is by confronting our major unconscious conflicts. And I'm not doing it sober.
MORTY
What the heck are you talking about? I don't understand any of that, Rick!
RICK
I'm making this shit up as I go. Psychology isn't real science. There aren't any rules. More like suggestions. If you spout the same bullshit for long enough eventually someone has to agree.
MORTY
I don't like the sound of this… We're in space, shouldn't we just - just float to somewhere eventually?
RICK
Wow, great job, asshat, that'd work if we weren't at least two quadicks - decks from the nearest solar system.
MORTY
W-well where are we?
RICK
According to my reading it's a homogeneous mixture of delta and beta brainwaves...wait. What the ever loving shit?
MORTY
Is that even english?
RICK
Consciousness, Morty. We're stuck in a pocket of consciousness in the middle of fuck all nowhere. And it's surrounded by some kind of magnetic field.
MORTY
Shit. Can't we portal home or something?
RICK
Maybe if the batteries hadn't run out.
MORTY
Run out? Why didn't you charge it Rick? What the hell!?
RICK
I didn't think we'd be out this long and I was using the charger.
MORTY
For what? What could possibly be more important?
RICK
None of your dick - none of your business. Shit.
The ship rumbles and jerks forward a short distance.
RICK
Ooh. Oh, goddammit. It's getting worse.
MORTY
Worse? Worse than what Rick? How could it be worse? What the fuck is going on?
RICK
We got here right after a Freudian slip. Another one and the ship suddenly moves? We're in the slit! Slip!
MORTY
We moved again, Rick!
RICK
We're gonna move every time!
MORTY
Oh, geeze. But how in the - how did we end up here?
RICK
How the squanch should I know? The multiverse is endless, MoOrty. Do you think I've been literally everywhere?
MORTY
I knew we should have asked for directions when we stopped for MacMeaties.
RICK
Like the frylord on Foodcourtia has an entire interstellar map memorized in his archaic reptilian brain!
MORTY
You didn't even ask! This is how it always is, with you - you - you never give people a chance, Rick.
RICK
Most people don't deserve a chance Morty. Most people deserve negative fucks given. Most people owe me fucks, Morty. That's just how it is.
MORTY
I'd rather give half a f-f-f-chance then to end up all like - like you!
RICK
You'd be lucky to end up like me you ungrateful brat. If there's anyone that's gonna fuck - if there's anyone that owes me fucks more then anyone else, it's you.
Two NEW MORTYS phase into existence on either side of ORIGINAL MORTY. ORIGINAL MORTY reverts to the MORTY ID. MORTY EGO, on the left, wears glasses, while MORTY SUPEREGO, on the right, wears a cross.
MORTY ID
Whoa! How come there's three of me?
MORTY EGO
Whoa! How come there's three of me?
MORTY SUPEREGO
Whoa! How come there's three of me?
RICK ID
There's three of me too, dumbass.
There are now three RICKS. RICK ID is covered in sweat and missing his lab coat, RICK SUPEREGO wears a tie, while RICK EGO appears otherwise normal.
MORTY EGO
Oh man.
RICK ID
Does anyone know if I ever got that beer?
MORTY ID
There's beer?
RICK ID
Hell (BURP) yeah, now we're talking. Think fast!
RICK ID throws a bottle of Hennessey at MORTY ID, the impact of which propels him backwards.
MORTY ID
Let's - let's fuck some shit UP! Motherfuckers, wOOO!
RICK SUPEREGO
You wish. Not while I'm still around.
RICK ID
(TO MORTY ID) Don't worry, I got you later.
MORTY ID
Hell yeah.
RICK EGO
Holy shit, now is not the time. Everybody shut the fuck up and think. We need to find a way to reintegrate all three parts back into the self.
RICK ID
You mean like self-actualization?
MORTY ID
Self-who-what-huh?
MORTY SUPEREGO
Well I, uh, I agree with Rick.
RICK ID
Kissass.
RICK EGO
Pay attention dipshits because I'm not going to repeat myself. You're the id, he's ego, and that's...the snobby dork with the cross is the superego.
RICK EGO
The id is the screeching infant inside all of us. Every insipid desire from scratching your ass to popping a boner comes from the innate monkey lust for instant gratification.
MORTY ID
Is that why I'm starving?
RICK EGO
That's why we're all starving, Morty.
RICK ID
You think that's bad, just wait until you have to drop a - take a shit.
MORTY SUPEREGO
Awwh, c'mon guys. Can we just p-please stop talking about shit?
RICK EGO
Next is the ego. He's the realest motherfucker around, and pretty much the only way to process reality. Also called common sense, you may have heard of it.
RICK ID
Don't worry, we haven't!
MORTY ID
Whooooooo! F-f-f-screw thinking, yeah!
RICK EGO
The superego is a pain in the ass, but he's also a pussy. So, not much to worry about there.
RICK ID
A real cross-sucker, if you know what I mean.
MORTY SUPEREGO
I'm not really sure I do.
RICK EGO
This preachy turd is your conscious. That lovely little voice from mom and dad or grandma that tells you you're gonna go blind from jerking off too much.
RICK SUPEREGO
Sue me for being the only one around here with any kind of moral compass.
MORTY SUPEREGO
Hey, you're not the only one!
RICK ID
You're my grandson, you don't count as a person.
MORTY ID
But which one of us is the real me?
RICK EGO
You're all the real you, dillhole, just split apart. Probably from the overload of cognitive dissonance.
MORTY ID
This is too many words Rick, I can't be all listening to this many - I'm gonna -
RICK ID
Bullshit! Psychology is for idiots, Morty. Even you can understand this much.
RICK EGO
Cognitive dissonance is that itchy feeling you get when you tell a lie. Except your entire life is a lie. We need to reduce the dissonance in order to lighten the subconscious, Morty.
MORTY EGO
I don't know if I can do this, Rick.
RICK EGO
We gotta. We gotta unload it all over the ship. Really get in there and pour out our deepest nastiest secrets like our life depends on it. Because it basically does. So let it rip.
MORTY EGO
I'm trying!
RICK EGO
Well trying isn't enough. Fess up.
MORTY EGO
After that weird dream with Summer, I kind of, kind of -
RICK EGO
You jerked off. Next.
MORTY SUPEREGO
W-what? How did you know?
RICK
So did I. Besides, That's Psych 101 numnuts, dig deeper. Discharge the shame train. Pull this fucker up to the station.
MORTY ID
I stuck my dick in the cookie jar!
RICK SUPEREGO
You diddled Mittens?
MORTY ID
And the turkey! Sweet, sweet turkey dinner.
RICK ID
Hey, I ate some of that turkey you shitflake.
MORTY ID
Wham, bam, thank you mam!
MORTY SUPEREGO
Ha ha - what! That's not true, I never did that!
RICK EGO
The turkey, or the cookie jar?
MORTY SUPEREGO
Neither!
MORTY EGO
You can't prove shit!
RICK EGO
I don't have to prove anything, science does it for me. And all of this - this, tantrum, right now? It's called your oedipus rex.
MORTY EGO
Rex, like the dinosaur?
RICK EGO
No.
RICK ID
We're basically just monkeys in space, and you're next in line for the monkey throne, Morty. (WHISPERING) But I'm on top. And I'm not going to give it up without a fight.
MORTY ID
(SCREECHING) Is that why I wanna - auGH! - murder you all the time?
RICK ID
Yep.
MORTY SUPEREGO
What? I don't wanna - PFFT - murder Rick? That's totally illegal. And wrong.
MORTY ID
Yes I do! Yes I do!
MORTY SUPEREGO
Shut up!
MORTY ID
Remember the gun? I wanted to - tried to - blast you so good!
MORTY SUPEREGO
The truth is... I didn't even know - I didn't know it was fake. I could have killed you, Rick. Blown your brains out all over the place.
RICK EGO
And all because of paternal penis envy.
MORTY ID
What? Rick, are you even listening to me? I don't envy Jerry's -
RICK ID
Who could envy his shrimpy little prick, even metaphorically?
RICK EGO
I'd rather eat my own shit than think about that parasite in any capacity short of repulsed. So I get it, I'm the stand in.
RICK ID
Don't sweat it. If I had a nickel for every Morty I accidentally killed I'd have enough money to buy us out of this shit.
MORTY EGO
Wait just a - how come I'm the only one saying all this crap?
RICK ID
(POURING SHOTS) What can I say, I have no shame.
MORTY SUPEREGO
We've been stalled for ten minutes and now you're drunk and you won't even try and help get us out of this - ugh!
RICK ID
You're drunk too!
MORTY ID
I know you are but what am I!
MORTY EGO
You mean to tell me that out of all the horrible stunts you've pulled. To me and summer and-and every other vversion of anyone you've ever met, you're not ashamed of anything?
RICK EGO
Alright, fine. Remember when I took you and Summer to all of those unusable bathrooms?
MORTY EGO
How could I forget about the urinal inside of an old sneaker?
RICK ID
Hahahahah, man, that was great. Remember that one toilet that was upside down on top of a pot of gold? And there was a leprechaun? Remember that?
MORTY ID
Of course I remember!
RICK EGO
Well, truth is... I could have taken you to a functioning bathroom at any time. I just thought it was hilarious.
MORTY EGO
I can't trust you at all! What else have you been lying about?
RICK ID
Calm down, bro, it was just a joke.
MORTY ID
You gave me a catheter as a joke?!
RICK SUPEREGO
This is why I never tell anyone anything, this isn't even half as bad as that other thing.
MORTY ID
What other thing?
RICK SUPEREGO
Don't do it, dude.
MORTY EGO
Yeah, what other thing, Rick?
RICK ID
Okay...I'm the one who posted Summer's nudes to
MORTY ID
I knew it!
RICK ID
The little brat deserved it after what she did to my stash!
MORTY SUPEREGO
I took the fall for that Rick, and now Summer won't even speak me! Mom grounded me for the rest of my life, and everyone at school thinks I'm a total creep!
RICK ID
Let me tell you something, sticking your dick in peanut butter is not all pretty and glossy like they make it look on reality tv, Morty!
MORTY EGO
What!? What does that - that doesn't even make sense.
RICK ID
What happens next might surprise you.
MORTY
What? Did you put it back on the shelf? Is that the bad part? I can't take this anymore!
RICK EGO
Get a hold of yourself!
RICK ID
Then I called in Snowball.
MORTY ID
But what would Snowball do with -
MORTY SUPEREGO
I can't breathe.
RICK ID
I know you think you've heard the worst of it, but the worst is yet to come, Morty.
MORTY SUPEREGO
No! No! I've had enough!
RICK ID
You asked for this Morty. You asked to unleash the beast.
MORTY EGO
What could be worse that peanutbutter dicking the dog?!
RICK ID
Peanutbutter dicking your dad.
MORTY SUPEREGO
(UNRESPONSIVE)
MORTY EGO
You...I can't even say it. With a Jerry?
RICK ID
I just wanted to fuck that stupid look off his face.
MORTY SUPEREGO
No way, Rick! Sick!
RICK SUPEREGO
I know. What's more disgusting than a Jerry?
MORTY EGO
But that's not everything, is it?
RICK ID
Not even close.
RICK EGO
So I did the only thing I could at the time, and put him out of his misery.
MORTY SUPEREGO
You didn't...
RICK EGO
Yep. I euthanized him and replaced him with a robot.
RICK SUPEREGO
But it's not the same.
RICK EGO
You just can't program that kind of pathetic.
MORTY EGO
I had a feeling. He was a little more...clean?
RICK EGO
Yeah, I did that. Made him dirty where it counts. Szechuan slathered his butthole like there was no tomorrow.
MORTY SUPEREGO
Stop it, I can't take this anymore! You're traumatizing me!
A blinding light illuminates the sky and the ghost of SIGMUND FREUD materializes in the form of a transient, floating head.
FREUD
What is the meaning of this? The last time I got a ping for this much fucked up shit going on at once was during the 2016 presidential election.
MORTY EGO
What? Who the fuck are you?
RICK EGO
Freud? But you're -
FREUD
I was never dead. My ego was immortalized by fame, my soul entombed in tiddy jokes, brought to life every time a college dude says "size does matter."
RICK ID
Makes sense, we were just getting to the good stuff.
RICK EGO
I was going to say, an asshole. We were just finishing up here so if you could just -
FREUD
Oh no, I don't mind. You can finish while I watch.
RICK SUPEREGO
How about no.
FREUD
I can tell that you like to be in control.
MORTY
Like a-a-uh daddy kink?
RICK ID
Every time a minor talks about their daddy kink, my cock twitches and I fantasize a little.
MORTY EGO
Jesus, Rick. (FACEPALMING) What the fuck?
RICK SUPEREGO
Oh my god.
RICK EGO
Focus, assholes! We barely moved an inch from that last one, Morty, and it's your turn.
MORTY SUPEREGO
But I don't have anything else, Rick.
RICK ID
Jerking off to your sister and fucking inanimate objects? That's less exciting than a coming age of film.
RICK EGO
I told you we were raising a pussy.
RICK ID
It's not my fault half of his chromosomes are shit.
MORTY ID
I eat my own cum!
MORTY SUPEREGO
No I don't! That's a lie!
RICK EGO
See. Ugh. We're never gonna get anywhere with this much cognitive dissonance.
RICK SUPEREGO
Are you sure you're being honest, Morty?
MORTY EGO
Am I being honest? What! I just told you I lick my hand clean after jerking off and you - you're - you !
FREUD
You know what must be done.
RICK EGO
Funny, I don't remember asking for a peanut gallery.
MORTY SUPEREGO
I don't like - what's he talking about? What's going on? What has to be done?!
RICK EGO
Listen, Morty. I didn't want to have to use this, but it's better you hear it from me. We gotta get out of here before the stream of consciousness ends. And as our last resort...
RICK ID
We have to fuck.
MORTY ID
Let's do this!
MORTY SUPEREGO
Me and you? That's like...incest, and you're so old, that's...I think I'm gonna puke.
MORTY EGO
How does that-how does that even-even, make any sense? What does sex have to do with anything?
RICK EGO
Don't flatter yourself. He's not gonna go through with it.
RICK ID
I'm gonna need you to-to-to fuck me Morty. Right up the butthole.
MORTY SUPEREGO
That's disgusting, I can't do that!
MORTY ID
I can! I can fuck anything - all all all of it! With my penis right - bam!- f-f-fuck!
RICK ID
That's my boy! Right in the anus.
MORTY ID
Yeah, anal! I'm-I'm gunna fuck the shit out of your butt. I mean not literally. I mean maybe literally? I don't know. I've never done this before.
RICK ID
Don't sweat it, (BURPS) I'm a champ.
MORTY SUPEREGO
I'm scared, Rick. I - I can accept the catheter and the stuff about Summer and even forgive you for what you did to Mom, but I can't - I can't fuck you, Rick. Don't ask me to do that.
FREUD
Uh, actually, you know, there is another -
RICK SUPEREGO
Fine. I give up. I can't do this.
RICK EGO
Even I'm not this fucked up.
RICK ID
HA! That's what you think, jackass-
RICK EGO punches RICK ID.
Rick EGO
Yeah, we're not doing that. Zip it up kiddo.
MORTY ID
S-shit wait, what? Augh I got-I gotta fuck something. FuUCK!
MORTY EGO
Whaddayou mean you can't? I don't wanna be stuck in a ford-dan fraud-in metaspace forever!
RICK EGO
Alright, calm your dick dandy. What I said earlier was bullshit. There's another way.
MORTY SUPEREGO
Oh my god. Rick, are you kidding me?! You were going to make me fuck you? When there's another way?
RICK SUPEREGO
(CRYING)
RICK ID
There's almost always another way.
MORTY EGO
You're the worst!
RICK EGO
But I'm the best worst, Morty, and I'm about to save your ass, like usual, with nothing but my own intellect and a little elbow grease.
RICK EGO
Here it goes, the big truth is…
RICK ID
I'm scared.
RICK SUPEREGO
Scared that I'm gonna lose you, Morty. And I know there are other Mortys out there but not like mine. My main Morty.
RICK ID
Gaaaaay!
MORTY EGO
W-well then why why do you always say such awful shit. It really doesn't feel like you care, you know?
RICK SUPEREGO
I'm terrified you fuckin idiot. And there's nothing more dangerous than fear. So-so I push you away. To protect myself, and you.
RICK ID
But mostly myself.
RICK EGO
But-but I can't lose you Morty. I'm nothing without you. Just just stuck in some thick haze of piercing self hatred and anger. So much fucking anger. It's so thick I can't see shit. But I see you and I think you know maybe. Maybe I don't have to be so fucking alone.
RICK SUPEREGO
(SNIFFLING) Maybe something I did was right.
RICK ID
And Good.
RICK SUPEREGO
And meant something real…
The THREE RICKS merge in a halo of light.
RICK
Alright, now get your collective shits together, you hear me? No more booze, no more buttholes, no more bullshit.
MORTY EGO
Honestly...I'm the one who drank the last of the milk.
RICK
Every time?
MORTY SUPEREGO
Since I was born.
RICK
You mean that wasn't Jerry?
MORTY ID
Nope.
RICK
Heh. Good one.
The THREE MORTYS hug RICK, and merge together in a halo of yellow light.
FREUD
Looks like my work here is done.
MORTY
But - but, you didn't do anything.
FREUD
(FADING) You're welcome.
RICK
Is this what it's like to have feelings? Gross. Now get off me, so we can get the hell out of here.
MORTY
(PLACING A HAND ON HIS CHEST) You're right, you really are the worst breast.
The ship jerks.
MORTY
I mean BEST!
