"The sky is blue today. Ominously blue. Be sure to keep the location on your phone turned on for the next twenty-four hours…
Welcome...to Night Vale."
City Council has announced the opening of a new orphanage opening on 1606 Somerset, near the dog park. The news has some citizens nervous, given that the last orphanage was abandoned years ago. The only current residences of the building are small white floating spheres that, if you get close enough, will whisper a lovely lullaby that causes your body to ache for days afterwards, having you clutch at your chest at random times and sobbing uncontrollably for a life you were never apart of, and yet, will feel as if you had experienced the same pain as the child of whom was once a small inhabitant of the living. By the fifth day, your eyes would bleed endlessly, and by the sixth day, you would wander aimlessly around Night Vale until you reached the abandoned orphanage once more. You would find yourself filling out the required papers, and walk home with the same floating orb so they could become one of your family.
Construction of the new orphanage will begin Friday, and end whenever the construction crew looks around at the work they've done, slips their thumbs into their belt loops, and say, "Eh, could be worse."
The Sheriff's Secret Police would like to remind everyone that the screaming that has been heard for hours now is under control. They are close to finding the source of the screaming and silence it by any means necessary. Local Night Vale citizens are responding to the Secret Police that the screaming has turned from a omen to an increasing annoyance.
"I can't even hear myself making coffee!" says Frances Donaldson, manager of the Antiques Mall on Desert Elm Drive. "How am I supposed to focus my hateful thoughts into my grinding if I can't even hear myself think?!"
Simone Rigadeau, the transient living in the abandoned Earth Sciences Building, says that the screaming is a sign for one person in Night Vale.
"The screaming comes from one of the children," she says. "One of the children has finally found their family, and their family has not noticed yet. They scream out for their family to hear, but they have not listened.
"The children know best," Simone finally said. "The children always know best…"
I have to agree with Frances on this one, folks. Not being able to hear your hateful, vengeful thoughts while making coffee should be a crime. Have you ever tasted coffee that was ground with happiness? Sadness? White noise? It's disgusting.
I had went to the Barista District to have a nice cup of coffee. The Barista that was making my coffee was smiling the entire time they were grinding. My cup was offered, and I thanked the barista, took a sip of my coffee, and on reflex, spat it back out. The entire shop went silent. The barista that had made my coffee was dragged into the back room. There was a wet, drowning scream, a juicy crack of muscle and bone, and then nothing.
The two baristas that had dragged the disgraced barista in the back room came out and apologized to me, and offered to make me a coffee on the house. I agreed, and along with hateful thoughts they added an anger fueled scream as whole beans turned into fine grain. What an honor!
And now it's time for this week's horoscopes!"
Leo: Happy birthday, Leo! Happy unknowing future where you just might die on your birthday, Leo! Happy wouldn't it be ironic for you to die on your day of birth, Leo? You just might find out! Who knows what the future will bring? Will you even have a future? Tell your loved ones you love them, Leo. You don't know how much time you have left...
Ahaha! Just kidding! We got you Leo! We got you!
Virgo: You seem a little tense, Virgo. Everything seems like it needs to be done; you can't quite possibly get it all finished in time! Here's what you should do: take all your books and paperwork, and gently set it underneath your rug. Place the rug over your work. Wait a few hours and boom! It will be done! The Universe has done it for you for a small favor to be cashed in at a later time! When you least expect it...
Libra: Didn't you have a doctors appointment today? Better get a move on!
Scorpio: Heaven is a place on Earth. Hell is also a place on Earth. Your vacation time expires in just a few weeks, Scorpio. You need to choose now.
Sagittarius: Hey. it's going to be okay. You've been holding your breath for years now. It's time to exhale. If your lungs have already exploded well...sorry, I guess.
Capricorn: It's your turn now, Capricorn. Good luck.
Aquarius: The sun will shine on your life soon. Change is coming. You will not be disappointed when it comes.
Pisces: You've just won a brand new- Oh. Oh my. Ohhhhh myyyyyy…..
Aries: Procrastination gets you nowhere. Fix. The. Sink. Already.
Taurus: The next few months are going to be confusing. You will appreciate the change that is coming.
Gemini: Your son was the one that chewed on your new stilettos. Stop blaming the dog. She is a good girl and did nothing wrong. Except for peeing on the carpet that one time. She was mad at you. And you deserved it.
And finally, Cancer: Do you really need another porcelain doll? The other ones keep you up at night with their glowing eyes and constant conversation about the economic advantages of grass. You wake up at 3 in the morning to go to work. Have a talk with your dolls about keeping it down at night before adding another voice to the conversation.
This has been this week's horoscopes!
An update on the Night Vale Orphanage: the construction crew apologizes for the delay, but it seems that the white orbs of the past orphans have escaped and scattered across Night Vale. They say that the orbs were buzzing and chattering about finally being able to go outside when the latch on the cage holding them suddenly sprang loose, freeing all the orphaned orbs. The orbs quickly took off, delighted that they were finally able to go outside after the decades of being stuck in the abandoned building.
In other news, the screaming heard all over Night Vale has stopped. It is uncertain whether the two stories correlate.
And now, the Weather.
The orbs that were roaming over Night Vale have been captured and put into a new cage where authorities are certain that they won't be able to get out again. The construction crew on site says that one orb didn't get out of the cage when the latch broke. It stayed, floating and doing loop-de-loops that entertained the crew that didn't run after the other orphans. When questioned about why it stayed in the cage, the orb rotated and let out a high pitched beep. The construction crew awed, and the orb fluttered around until the other orphans were retrieved.
Oddly enough, not one of the orbs sang their soul shattering lullaby. Mesika James, head of the abandoned Night Vale Orphanage, stated, "The orphan's lullaby can only be heard by their future families, and only at the right time. Say you have two people from different families. An orb will sing their lullaby in front of both of them, and only one person will hear it. That person would be their new family." Mesika shrugged. "I don't know why but that's just what happens!"
Oh! Listeners! Carlos is in the booth with me, say hello Carlos.
"Hello, Carlos."
Oh, you. And he's here just in time! Listeners, one of the women from the construction crew recorded the orb that stayed in the cage! She said she wanted me to play it over the radio so that if anyone heard it, they can go through the six days of agony and come adopt this little cutie. If anyone hears this, that means it's time to expand your family and give this little orphan a home. Okay, I'm playing the recording...now!
I...I...Oh. Oh my. This...this is so sudden...Carlos?
"No, no, I heard it too."
I see. Well, listeners, my chest is already starting to ache so I'm going to (ack!) end the show here.
Good night, Night Vale! Good Nigh-"
"Cecil!"
