He fell in love with her because of details. Small, insignificant things that made her just the way she was, the individual person he couldn't get out of his head anymore. From the slight crush he had first developed when he met her on the SR-1 Normandy to the love he still hadn't confessed when she didn't step out of that escape pod with her pilot, he had learned all of those details that made her her.

They were the ones that kept him sane after she died. His sanity was really hanging on by a thread during these two years, and remembering these details kept him alive. He liked that he was the only one who knew that side of her, the side of her that wasn't Commander Shepard, but the woman inside. No one knew that she snored when she slept on her back – and kept pretending she didn't. No one knew about the secret shampoo she used because she hated the smell of the Alliance issued one. No one knew she painted her toenails because she didn't like her feet.

-I hate them, she had confessed the day he had found out about it. Not that I like other people's feet either. I'm not a feet person, I guess.

Red, pink, blue – the color didn't matter, and he liked that every time they managed to slip away and get some alone time, he would find out about the color she was currently wearing.

It had been blue that morning, that freaking, wretched morning he had lost her.

-Navy blue! She had rejoiced. Get it?

No one knew about these terrible jokes either, but maybe it was all for the better.


The nightmares started shortly after she was spaced and lasted for weeks, months even. In the beginning, he saw the scene replay in his head. He could still hear the alarm, feel under his feet the Normandy's desperate manoeuvers as Joker tried to escape the Collectors' ship.

-What's going on? He had yelled at Shepard, grabbing her by the arm.

-We're under attack. Unknown ship firing at us.

-No shit!

Her calm had unnerved him. Couldn't she see the Normandy was going up in flames?

-We can't wait for help, Kaidan. I need you to get everyone to the escape pods. Joker's still up there; I'm gonna go get him.

-You what? Liz, I'm not leaving!

-God dammit, that's an order, Lieutenant!

He'd cringed. He always hated when she pulled rank on him, not that it happened often.

-Go, she'd pleaded. I'll be right behind you.

But she had not been. She had not been. Still, he had done his job, believing she would be there when he would finally leave the shuttle. That hadn't happened. And now, in his nightmares, he saw again how the escape pods had opened one by one, and every time she wasn't there. Finally, Joker had emerged from the last one, and Kaidan had raced to help him out before turning to the pod, hand already extended, ready to grab hers and pull her into his arms. Except of course the pod was empty, and a little part of him had died.

A few weeks in, Ashley joined Shepard in his nightmares. Now he was dreaming about them both, standing in the CIC of the SR-1, the ship burning right before his eyes. The woman who had died in his place on Virmire and the one he had not been able to save. They just stood there, silent, looking right at him, and he watched them burn in the flames of his former ship. He wanted to apologize to them, tell them how sorry he was, tell them about the regrets he had over them both, but he could never speak. Choking on the words, he was forced to watch them and their ship burn before he jerked awake, breathless like he'd been running for hours.

Of course, the Alliance grounded him for a while. He had to see a damn shrink every week but usually chose to say silent and not to answer her questions. She always said stupid sentences sounding like freaking mantras, such as "Guilt is a normal feeling" or "Grief is a process, Lieutenant". He hated her, and these platitudes drove him fucking crazy. He couldn't even tell her the truth. He had loved his commanding officer against every rule, every Alliance regulation, every bloody protocol, and to admit it out loud would have been taking a chance on his career. At this point, his work was the only thing holding him together, keeping him alive and driving him forward. He couldn't risk it.

And then… They held her funeral.

It was a joke of a service, really. Military honors, of course, but an empty coffin put in the ground far away from the place she used to call home. No body was recovered, obviously, and so they lined up in front of that empty casket and her Alliance official picture. He hated that picture, too. It showed nothing of the woman he loved. She simply stared at the photographer. It had nothing of her warmth, her smile, her terrible humor and her secret nail polish.

-I'm sorry, LT.

The voice came from behind his back, and he turned to face the Turian. Garrus had been Shepard's best friend, but her death had ripped her team apart, both literally and figuratively –that strange crew of humans and aliens thrown together by fate. No, scratch that: by her. She was the one holding them together, making them feel as if they truly belonged together, as though they were family. She had turned them into comrades despite every reason they had not to like each other.

-Thanks, Garrus.

The talons the Turian put on his shoulder couldn't comfort him, but still. At least, they were there. It was something, much more than the Alliance had deigned to give him. Garrus, as Shepard's friend, as a part of that family they used to be, knew about them. And so he stood by his side during that whole farce of a funeral. He wasn't the only one here, though. Some were not, such as Tali, sent back to her flotilla and held on the other side of the galaxy; or Liara, who had always been so close to Shepard but had apparently better things to do now, even as they mourned their Commander. But most of them were. The doc, who kept throwing him worried glances; Joker, who seemed to run on anger – and probably alcohol – to try and forget he felt responsible for her death; Anderson, who looked like he had just lost his own daughter.

-I need a fucking drink, Garrus mumbled.

Kaidan nodded. He agreed. A drink might numb the pain away. The loss. He couldn't stand feeling so empty all the time, all day long. Also, it might help him sleep through the nightmares. Right now, he wanted to drink his brains out, until he passed out on his bathroom's tiles.

Pick yourself up, dammit. You're a bloody mess, K. That's not the man I knew, the man I loved.

Oh, shut up, Lizzie. Shut the fuck up. You're just a voice in my head. You're freaking dead. The man you loved? Hell, you never told me you loved me, I never told you I loved you either, and now you're fucking gone. It's all over anyway.

The following morning, he woke up with a terrible headache. As a biotic, he was used to migraines, but this one was pounding in his head for other reasons, and he regretted every shot from the night before. He threw up in the bathroom and stayed curled up by the toilet for what seemed like a whole hour before he could find the strength to stand and go to work. Work. Why could he not hate work? Everything would be easier if he could just leave. He might go back to Earth, to Vancouver. But what would he do there? His parents' orchard wouldn't fill the void he felt in his heart.

And so he just kept going.


Days passed. At long last, the Alliance decided it was time to send him back into space, and he threw himself into it. Although it didn't help him forget, nor did it shush Shepard's and Ashley's nightly accusations, it filled his days enough that he felt like he still had a purpose. It wasn't much, but it was something, exactly like Garrus' talons on his shoulder had been.

It might be why he didn't hear about the rumors. Otherwise, he could not have ignored them. They started as whispers but quickly grew into something more, and he should have been aware of them. Yet he wasn't. So when he got his new orders, he rushed to get briefed without any idea about what awaited him, already focused on his mission. He entered the room and stopped at once. He snapped into a salute. What on Earth was Anderson's doing here?

-Ah, Alenko, good to see you again.

He acted like he had just seen him on the Normandy a few days before, like they were still part of the same crew. It was friendly and informal – well, as much as it could be considering the gap between Anderson's rank and his own. But there was something fishy. As an Admiral, Anderson was not supposed to brief him. He was fidgeting and trying to cover it as best it could, but it wasn't working. Kaidan crossed his arms.

-Is there something I should be aware of?

-Actually, there is. Please, take a seat.

Kaidan hesitated for a second but agreed to sit.

-Why are you briefing me, Sir?

Anderson sighed:

-Surely by now you must have heard…

-Excuse me?

The Admiral watched him carefully, trying to read him. It seemed to hit him then:

-No, no, you have not. You don't know.

-What don't I know, Sir?

Kaidan started to feel seriously worried. There was something in Anderson's eyes he did not like at all. It was scary as fuck. It was pain and commiseration, just like it had been at Shepard's "funeral".

-There is no easy way to say this, so I'll go straight to the point. We've had reports, Alenko. About… About her.

He let the words sink in, but Kaidan didn't react. Anderson watched him carefully.

-"Her"?

-Shepard.

Kaidan froze. What the hell?

-Is that supposed to be a joke? He said through gritted teeth.

If it was, it wasn't a good one. He felt like throwing his biotics at Anderson and refrained trashing the room in anger. Seriously, what the fucking fuck?

-It's not. I know it must be… hard to hear. But the reports…

-She's dead, Kaidan barked. She's been dead for two years. And it still hurts as hell, Admiral, so I'd prefer…

Anderson did not let him finish:

-It's Cerberus.

-I don't understand.

-Look, I still don't know much. Scuttlebutt is…

Scuttlebutt? Did people really use that word?

-Scuttlebutt (yep, apparently they did) is that Shepard's working for Cerberus.

-That's impossible.

-I thought the same thing, but…

-Li… Shepard would never.

-I would have agreed with you, but our intel is quite reliable. I've been trying to reach out to her but still haven't heard from her at this point, so…

-You… what?

Anderson sighed again. He suddenly seemed way older than his years.

-Listen, Commander. Shepard may very well be alive. The thing is, she might be linked with Cerberus, and that brings me to the reason you're here. I'm sending you to one of our colonies: Horizon.

-I'm listening.

He still felt angry and was fairly certain he was shaking in his seat. Anderson glanced at him, hesitant.

-Have you heard about our colonies being hit lately?

-Yeah. I'm aware. Aren't we all?

-Well, it's even more serious than we've let on. Not only are our colonies under attack, but our colonists are disappearing.

-What do you mean?

-Actually, that's about all I know. They're not being killed. No bodies were found. They're just… Gone.

Was Anderson still talking about the colonists? The words sounded oddly familiar. No body. No body was ever found. But Joker said there was an explosion. She was probably ripped to pieces.

-Are you still with me, Alenko?

-Yes, Sir.

The Admiral eyed him cautiously.

-You were talking about our colonies…

-Yes, yes. Well, we recently had a tip about a possible next target.

-Horizon?

-Precisely. We decided to fit the colony with GARDIAN turrets to help protect Horizon against any attack, but they haven't been able to calibrate them correctly. Tech is your area of expertise, Commander, and I'd like someone reliable heading over there. Which is why I'm sending you.

-Surely there must be…

-It's more than that. We suspect Cerberus might be behind these attacks.

-What? Why?

-We can't be certain. But you've had run-ins with them before, and you know the group. That's another reason why I chose you for this mission. And if Shepard really is alive, and working with Cerberus…

-She's not. She's dead.

-Yeah, well… I just need you to investigate and report on anything you find on Cerberus. Take care of the turrets, too. We can't be too cautious.

That seemed to put an end to the briefing. Anderson handed him a file on a data-pad, then rose from his chair and extended his hand towards him. Kaidan shook it.

-You know… I should have said something before. Should have said something when we buried that damn empty coffin… And I know it's been two years, but… I'm deeply sorry, Alenko.

Kaidan raised one eyebrow. There were deep implications behind those words.

-You knew?

-Well… Yes. Yours was quite an open secret. And I cared about her, Commander, more than you know. Which is why I kept my mouth shut and turned a blind eye to whatever was going on… It didn't hurt anyone at the time, did it?

-"At the time", Sir?

-Don't let your feelings take over, Alenko.

It was an advice, but it sounded awfully like a threat.

[A/N : So... Yeah. At first, I meant for this to be a quick one-shot, but I guess the story got the best of me and it turned into a several chapters' fic. Don't know if I can pull it off, but I'll let you be the judge of that! Feel free to review, I'm basically like a kid in a candy store every time I get a review or someone puts my story in one's favorites. Kinda got hooked on that I guess - oopsie.

Anyway, stick around! I'll be updating soon, as I already have the next couple of chapters written.]