By your side
No one knows how you feel
No one there you'd like to see
The day was dark and full of pain
I walked alone in the dark night, on my way home. I didn't want to go there, but I had no other place to stay. Each step gets harder and harder to walk as I get closer. The only thing I want to do is run, run away and never come back, but I can't. I have to get through this, tonight as I do every night. I'm just so scared. I have started to believe that every night is my last, and I'm going to fight for my life until my last drop of blood runs out of my vanes.
I get closer and closer to the house. Before I started to think I was standing out side the door. I breathed in and out a couple of times before I slowly and quietly opened the door. Now hell is going to brake out, I thought to myself.
You write help with your own blood
'Cause hope is all you've got
You open up your eyes
But nothings changed
"Why me!" I got dragged form the door and into the living room. I lifted my arms to protect my face as he started to hit my already beaten body. "How can you live with your self? Fag!" I kept my mouth shut, still I wanted to answer, and I knew how upset he would be if I did, and that's why I tried not to. But today I didn't manage to keep myself quiet. The feeling that had been building up inside me through the years finally got out. Where I got the courage form I don't know. "I'm not a fag! And I live with myself only so you have something that's not perfect in your life! But you can't change me; you have never done and will never do! You are a horrible person!" I knew I should have said it. I knew it. But I felt stronger inside, now when I finally got it out. "You said what your stupid kiddo! Those word will cost you pain!" I didn't have time to react before his hand was bolted in between my eyes. I fell backwards and hit the floor hard. I think I blacked out a moment, because when I got to myself my father had a tight grip around my hair and dragged me towards the basement. "Father! Please! I'm begging you! Don't! I'm sorry!" I tried to get away, but he was to stronger than me. The tares where flowing from my already red eyes. "This is what you get when you say such ting about your own father, freak!"
I don't want to cause you trouble
Don't wanna stay too long
I just came here you say to you…
I screamed in pain. I couldn't se a thing, maybe it had something to do with the fact that my face was faced against stonewall and my hands were tied up over my head. Although I didn't se a thing, I felt the pain from the baseball bat he used to hit me. "Help me! Anyone!" I used my already sour voice to yell for help. Today was my last day in this living world. I just new it. My dad had never been so angry or given me so much pain at one day before. The room was already dark, but I felt the room get smaller and darker for each new hit I took.
Somewhere far away I her a doorbell ring. Far, far away I herd angry voices yell to each other.
My head was heavy and I had problem getting air.
Then I heard sirens. Sirens? The last thing I remember is a voice, voice screaming my name as the door to the basement got opened and the light exploded in my eyes.
Turn around, I am here
If you want it's me you'll se
Doesn't count, far or near
I can hold you when you reach for me
I only got some fragments of time and place, but I herd voices all the time, tiny and whispering voices. "Stay with me Bill… by your side… brother…" I wanted to wake up, see the person who talked to me. Live. But my body didn't want the same. It had all ready been through to much. I felt something cold on my forehead. I badly wanted to se what it was. I was scared, not knowing where I was or who to trust, the voices around me or those in my head? Someone, anyone, rescue me!
I suddenly felt a hand on mine. A hand? How did I know? What was happening? I once again tried to open my eyes, a small fragment of light came throw. I lifted my arms to cower my face, the light was too bright.
Your life is meaningless
Your diary full of trash
It's so hard to get along with empty hands
I sat alone in the dark and looked out the big window. I saw a tear hit the book in front of me, and carefully dragged my hand over to try to dry it away. I looked at what I had written, I was miserable. I didn't know what to do anymore. The voices were gone when I woke up in the middle of the night. Not one was left. I missed them, bout them inside my head and those outside. I looked at my hands, the wounds from a hard life was still there. I so badly whished they would go away, just disappear into nothing and take my life with them.
You're looking for the rainbow
But it died not long ago
It tried to shine just for you
Until the end
"Bill…" I herd a whisper from behind me. I didn't want to look, didn't want to know who it was. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that…" who was this person? What did he know about me? "Don't you remember me? Is it so long sins last time you saw me?" I knew that voice, if I just could remember from where. I got warm inside, I knew this person! How could I be so stupid? "Don't you remember what I told you long time ago? I'm always…", "here for you…" I continued what he had started. The one sentence that he had tried to nock inside my head for so long time. I hadn't known how much I had missed him, not before he stood there behind me, "Tom…" I whispered, I felt to hands on my shoulders and looked up. "I'm so sorry Billa… I didn't know he was like this to you…why didn't you say anything?" tears ran down my checks, "And got killed in the try? No thanks…" He sat down next to me and I rested my head on his shoulders. "You know I'm always with you, and ill never let you go! You are my baby brother…" Tom looked into my eyes, I saw the same creamy brown eyes as I se when I look at myself in the mirror. "
I don't want to cause you trouble
Don't wanna stay to long
I just came here to say to you
I'm by your side
Just for a little while
"Why did you come? Why now and not before?" I looked at my other half sitting next to me, "I don't know… my instincts said you needed me, and I trust my instincts…" I got up on my feet. The pain in my back made the world start spinning around. I tried to find something to hold on to, but there was nothing to take a grip on. I was about to fall down on the floor when a pair of strong arms held me up. "As I always say, I'm by your side, and will always be there". The book I had been holding tightly slipped out of my grip and landed on the floor in front of me. "What is this?" Tom bended down and lifted it up. "Don't…" He looked at me with a destining expression, "it's kind of private…" I didn't want to explain. "Is there something you don't want to shear with me Bill?" I shock my head as in letting him have it his way. He helped me sit on the bedside and slowly opened the small black notebook.
Turn around, I am here
If you want it's me you'll see
Doesn't count, far or near
I can hold you when you reach for me
The expression on his face turned quick from relaxed to angry. I knew it, here it comes. All the hate, all the screaming. I sat there, just waiting, but it never came. Instead he looked up at me with tear filled eyes, "You…" he tried to find something to say, "you thought I had left you! You…why…?" I felt my own tares start running down from my eyes. "You never came, not even when I needed you the most…not even when he tried to kill me… YOU WEREN'T THERE WHEN I NEEDED MY BROTHER THE MOST! NO ONE CAME FOR ME!" All the feelings that had been building up inside me, once again I let them al out. "You could have called… you could have tried to contact me!" I saw that he retargeted the words before he was done saying them, because we bout knew that I had no chance to do it.
If the world makes you confused
And your senses you seem to lose
If the storm doesn't want to diffuse
And you just don't know what to do
Look around, I am here
Doesn't count far or near
"You have to show this to the police! They have already arrested him! He would never try to hurt you again, and if they see this you will maybe never see him again as well!" I shocked my head, "I can't do this Tom… I can't just leave him…" Tom looked confused at me as he nearly dropped my book, "you said what?" He came sitting down next to me at the bed, "are you willing to stay with him? After all he has ever given you is suffer and pain? Why?" I didn't want to look at him. I felt the same pain as he did, not because we are identical twins, but because I saw it on him. He didn't want this to happen again, and I wanted the same but… "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO? I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO! You have mom and a home, and I guess a lot of friends… I have nothing except dad…" it was hard to say the last words. It nearly hurt more to say them then feeling the pain of being hit by a baseball bat. The only difference what that the words got you mental and the beating got you physical.
"But Bill, you have me…" I looked up and once again I med the creamy brown eyes of my brother, "I will never leave you again! I promise! And if we don't have enough room at home you can say in my room". I dragged Tom into a big hug, I think we bout started crying. It was so long sins the last time I had seen my brother, we were 6 and mom and dad decided to get divorced. After that I had seen him three times, three times in 10 years… But now, after all this time I had my brother back, and no one was going to take him away from me again.
I am by your side
Just for a little while
Turn around
Turn around, I am here
Turn around
Doesn't count, far or near
Turn around
If you want it's me you'll see
Turn around
I can hold you when you reach for me
Turn around, I am here
Doesn't count, far or near
We sat there, next to each other, looking out of the window. Looking at the night slowly turn into day. We both knew that this was a new day and the start of a new chapter of our lifes. Tom turned to me and said with his soft and friendly voice, "Bill, I love you so much and will never ever ever let anything happen to you again," I smiled at him, and he smiled at me. This was the best day in my entire life
