Hello. I'm Confused-ish, your friendly neighborhood fan fiction…er. It's a pleasure to meet you.

I know it's probably mind-numbingly obvious, but I don't own Maria sama ga miteru or any of the characters. I am, as are all the writers on this site (I would imagine) simply borrowing them, and wielding my own creation from the original author's foundation.

This is a rather short first chapter- more of a prologue, really -but I hope you end up liking what you see and stick around for more. If not, don't feel compelled to hang around- I'm sure there is something out there that is to your liking. The fan fiction world is a big place.

Reviews/comments are always appreciated.

Chapter 1: Resolve


"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what."

-Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird


There is something about loving with your whole heart that is particularly romantic and endearing, probably because in reality it is a hard, hard thing to do. To love someone, to love them truly and fully, is to risk everything. It is to hold your heart out in your hands, cupping it carefully but holding it out nonetheless, where it may be cradled tenderly by another or, heaven forbid, cruelly stomped upon.

Because of a great fear of the latter true love can be hard to come by. It is, in its purity, an all too easy thing to shatter (even by accident) especially when it is out in the open and vulnerable.

Which is why confessing to such a love is really quite difficult to do.

On that morning, Yumi stood in front of her bathroom mirror, thinking about Sachiko and love. The two were so intertwined that to think of one was to think of the other; an instantaneous, purely reflexive train of thought that Yumi could not help but fall prey to. It was like looking at the grass and thinking green- a helpless reaction that the young girl, despite whatever protest she might have had, could not dissuade herself from. It might as well have been written in stone for all of its permanence.

So, it was in this manner that she stared at her reflection, thought of Sachiko and love, and tried to gather her courage.

Today, she inwardly steeled herself, peering at the solemn pigtailed girl across from her. Today, I will tell onee sama how I feel.

This was how her mornings always began; with that empty promise that she wanted to fulfill so much but couldn't. Because no matter how brave she was in the morning- with just her reflection and good intentions -her courage would vanish at the sight of her beautiful onee sama. She would look upon that long black hair, those clear, all-seeing sapphire eyes, and the uncertain waif from her first year would rear up inside her and say in its small, ugly voice, "You aren't good enough. She doesn't- can't –love you like that. You should be thankful for what you have."

And Yumi, indeed grateful for what she had, content enough just to be by her onee sama's side, would let the confession die from her lips as if it had never been there in the first place. She would smile instead, happy, at least, to hold her onee sama's hand, and silently say to herself, next time. Next time, I will tell her.

But today it wasn't like that. Today, when Yumi looked in the mirror, it was not with the zeal and confidence-- the hope --of her usually energetic self. It was with the desperation of someone who is backed into a corner, who had a weight on their chest that they greatly needed to be rid of. Her eyes were not the lively things they normally were, her characteristic smile seemed to have been misplaced. In its stead was a tentative expression of doubt, or a resolve that was marked by heavy burden.

Still, she repeated what she said to herself everyday, this time out loud.

"Today, I will tell Onee-sama how I feel. I will."

That is, if she could gather the heart to do so, for it seemed that her heart was a hollow, aching thing, and confessions of another sort occupied her troubled mind.