notes: no profit garnered, not mine. The song Kensi, Talia, and Marty argue about is Outfit by the Drive By Truckers. Thanks to PB for beta help!

"Driving on NIII-IINE," Marty sang. He loved that 90s music. "Music of my teen years," he said, glancing at Kensi. She had her thousand yard stare on and wasn't even reacting to his attempts to get her to talk.

She'd gotten in his truck and said, "Drive. You know, that place." He knew the place. She used to go there a lot. She'd started after she got back from Afghanistan and back then she went three, four times a week. Which he knew about because he always knew stuff about her without being told. Also, he recognized the address on her GPS from one of his very own referrals. His LAPD friend who had an entire list of shrinks and nurse practitioners and acupuncturists had told him the guy at that address was ex-Marine and skilled with super shitty situations. The funny part was that he got the list after Jess was killed and never used it. But he kept it because even then, you never fucking knew.

She got out without looking back. He turned off the truck and waited, thinking he'd make sure she didn't come right back out. He pulled out his tablet. Eric had told him to try this app. Learn languages, he'd said. Like a game, he said. Marty was nearly immediately sucked in. He barely noticed when Kensi knocked against his window. "Hey," she said. "You didn't have to wait."

"I didn't mean to," Marty said. "I started playing with this. Parabens, minha menina."

"Oh, God," she said, laughing. "Was that Portuguese? Did you just try to speak Portuguese?"

"I said what the lady said," he said. He showed her the tablet and she grabbed it out of his hands. "Heeey," he said. "Give it back."

She didn't. She got in the passenger side and started playing with his app. She read the phrases in Portuguese and mercilessly mocked him as he repeated her words pretty well. She kept laughing at him, and he kept putting up with it.

She left the tablet on the seat when she got out at her apartment. She called him two minutes later and said, "How is your duck?" in Portuguese.

xyx

He picked up Kensi and her very best gal pal Talia from the practice range. They got in, laughing. Kensi immediately said, "Please change the station. Oh my god, no country."

In the back seat, Talia started singing along with the song. Her singing voice was horrible. "Don't call what you're wearing an outfit," she sang, murdering the song.

"My car, my music," Marty said.

Kensi rolled her eyes so hard her eyes should have gotten stuck in the back of her head. "What even is this song? Don't tell them you're bigger than Jesus, don't give it away?"

"You've heard of the Beatles, right, Kens?"

Talia said, "Yes, she has, we have. We get the reference. We don't get the song. We wish you would change it."

"Can I change your music next time you drive," Marty said.

"Pretty much never," Kensi said.

"Same," Talia said.

"Also, it's not hard to get the song. The dad is giving his son advice. He says don't give it away because, see, he's saying he loves his son."

Talia said, "What?"

"He's saying he thinks his son is bigger than Jesus, he loves him," Marty said.

Kensi looked at him with a strong dose of contempt. She said, "I think the advice is 'be humble.' Don't act all full of yourself."

"You do get the song," Marty said. "And you're wrong."

"He's not saying he loves his son," Talia said.

"People say I love you in a lot of different ways," Marty said. It fell into a weird silence between songs and he was pretty sure Kensi and Talia were staring at him like he'd just peed in front of them. And had a much smaller dick than he actually did.

The next song came on loudly, and Kensi said, "Okay, you're wrong, but that's sweet you think so."

Talia and Kensi got out at Kensi's place, grabbing their fancy bags with their fancy guns. He waved, they ignored him.

xzx

He got into his car and turned on the radio. Kensi knocked on the window and scared the crap out of him. He made an unmanly yelp.

She got in and put on her seat belt.

"You just told me not to spend the night," Marty said.

"You kept mentioning Monty," she said.

"I mentioned him once. One time. Mostly I was saying hey, that was great. I enjoy when you did that." He was almost afraid to acknowledge the sex. It had been two months since they started doing that again, and so far, they kept doing it without really saying they were doing it. He didn't want to stop doing it, which was probably inevitable, so as long as he could be doing it with Kensi, he would do whatever needed.

Kensi said, "Yes, you enjoy having sex having with me."

"You enjoy having sex with me, too," he said. Since she brought it up first, he decided it was safe to continue. "I know you do."

"I know you do," she said.

"Great, we're both very fulfilled with that aspect of, of us," he said. "And here you are in my car."

She sighed. "Are you going to drive?"

"You know I have that little terrace, right? Where Monty can go and go do his doggy business?" He tapped his fingers on the wheel. He started the car.

"Fine," Kensi said. "I changed my mind."

"I cannot believe you admitted that," he said.

"Right, I never say I'm wrong," she said. She reached for the radio and he waggled his finger at her.

"Kens, don't kill my vibe," he said.

"Ha, ha," she said.

xvx

"How exactly did I end up the designated driver tonight?" Marty knew he wouldn't get an answer since Kensi was super duper drunk, like wow drunk, and Talia was too busy laughing hysterically.

"Because," Kensi said as she crawled into the back seat. "Don't worry, vomit free since '93!"

"That is not true. That is a quote from a TV character. A TV show that was on in the bar. You are not vomit free," Marty said. "Please grab a bag if you even think about it, I do not want to clean this truck again -"

"Blah blah," Talia said. She sat in the passenger seat and reached back to pet Kensi or something like that. "Blah blah blah."

"Easy for you to say," Marty said. "Not your car."

Kensi started to make snore-like sounds. She was definitely faking, but he was hoping she would convince herself to sleep.

Talia grabbed his phone because she was a fun drunk. She tapped at the code to open it. "Deeks, what's your code?"

"Not telling you," Marty said.

"I won't tell," Talia said.

"Still not telling you," Marty said. "And you won't guess it."

"Is it Kensi's birthday?" Talia started tapping numbers. "Kens, are you awake? When's your birthday?"

"It's not Kensi's birthday," Marty said.

"Not my birthday," Kensi said. "It's 1-0-0-4-0-6."

Marty grabbed at his phone but Talia had already tapped it in. She laughed. Talia said, "So what day is that?"

Kensi said, "Day we met. He's had it as at that since, since we started having sex again." He looked at her in the rearview mirror, just blithely easily saying things she never said to him like it was nothing to say it to Talia. Also it was super irritating that Kensi had known his phone code.

"I'm changing it," he said.

"Back when I met him and for months and months after that it was Traynor's birthday, Jess Traynor," Kensi said, in her same nonchalant drunk voice.

Talia said, "Who's Jess?"

"His girlfriend who was murdered," Kensi said. She sounded a little sad saying it, at least. He flinched on the inside but no one was watching him.

Talia said, "Sorry."

"Yup," Marty said. "Thanks."

"After he got shot, it was the day he got shot. Then it was some day when he was 16, which I think was ugh -"

"It was indeed the day I lost my virginity," Marty said.

"I was 17," Talia said.

Neither asked Kensi. "And then," Kensi said, "It was, it was, the day you graduated law school?"

"The day I passed the bar," Marty said.

"And lots of days, and he didn't change it to something about me until, after he came back to work," Kensi said.

Talia looked at him and made a questioning face, he didn't consciously choose how to react but her quick look away made him think his face had not been its usual sunshiney, good-looking self. He scratched his chin and kept his eyes on the road.

"And then," Kensi said, "it was all me. All me. Me, me, me."

"You sound very full of yourself right now, you should know," Talia said.

"She is pretty awesome," Marty said.

"Clearly you think so," Talia said.

"I do, I do," Marty said. He hummed along with whatever was playing on the radio station Kensi had changed his truck to when he drove them all out to the bar of Talia's choosing. Hummable, but he didn't actually like it.

"Oh my God," Talia said. "Is this Callen? He has so much hair." She was flicking through the pictures on his phone.

"It was so beautiful. That was just a few days ago. Seems so long ago, but there he was with that fantastic head of hair like the cutest fluffy puppy that you could ever have in your arms. All gone the next day."

"NO," Talia said.

"I KNOW," Kensi said. "Such a tragedy." She burped.

"I still have great hair," Marty said.

"Someone's jealous," Talia said.

"Deeks wishes he looked that good with a buzz cut. You have a weird head shape," Kensi said. She was sprawled in the back seat, legs spread, dress up so high he was completely distracted and needed to look back at the road.

"I do not have a weird head shape," Marty said.

"Prove it," Talia said. "Let's go to your place and shave your head."

"Not happening," Marty said. "Maybe if either one of you were sober. Maybe I would trust you near my head with shears."

"I'm fine," Kensi said. She burped again.

Talia burst out laughing and Marty allowed himself a snicker. Kensi said, "Come on, you guys."

xzx

Marty had definitely grown out of listening to songs on the radio like they were signs from above, he wasn't 16 and in love with music and how music could get girls to look at him differently. But this wasn't technically the radio, it was one of his own playlists so it was hardly a sign, more of a song playing he already liked. But the radio was playing his own playlist and it was a song about how it was important to love and he was watching Kensi walk up in the early morning with the sun rising behind her and it felt like a big moment.

It wasn't like he didn't know he was in love with her and she probably was in love with him and she was incredibly beautiful but it felt like something important had happened just then.

She got in and the song had already changed to Tori Amos. "Joy," Kensi said. "I love your Tori Amos playlists. I hope there's another 400 songs by her to listen to."

"And every one of them is a live recording when the songs are 7, 8 minutes," he said, smiling at her.

xyx

Because Kensi was not really a woman, she had put her headphones on as soon as she got in his car and heard Alannis Morrissette. Marty was singing along loudly while she glared straight ahead. "That I would be goooooooo-ood even if I lost sanity," he warbled.

Kensi jerked off her headphones and reached for the radio. "No more," she said.

"Come on, it's the recorder solo. Who doesn't love a good recorder solo? How often do you hear the recorder in pop music?"

She just looked at him and sat back in her seat. He shrugged as she turned up the radio. "We could also do more language stuff," Kensi said. It was her version of a peace offering but it was also deeply irritating.

"Yeah, I need you to stop doing that. When you keep taking my phone and my tablet and adding more languages and working ahead on the ones I'm trying to study? I don't actually learn that much when I keep having to redo and also, maybe I don't want to learn six different languages at the same time."

"Please," Kensi said. "I think you can do it. Are you trying to say you're not smart enough to learn Portuguese, Russian, Dutch, Hungarian, Norwegian and Vietnamese?"

"Possibly not," he said. "Oh my god, Kens, when did you add Hungarian?"

"Tuesday," she said. "We had all that time. Ooh, let's start on that one now." She started reading off Hungarian phrases in what he assumed was the perfect accent.

xvx

"Everything's crazy," Kensi said quietly.

"It must be if you're letting me drive," he said.

"I need to get out here," she said.

"Sweet, sweet candy," he said. She got out and went straight into Walgreens. Candy, tampons, condoms, everything a craving-filled Kensi could want.

He flipped through the stations and heard Eminem "I'ma tie her to a bed and set the house on fire." He turned off the radio and sat back against the seats. He was suddenly exhausted.

Kensi got back in the car and turned the radio back on. He could feel her looking at him but he felt pretty safe from any actual conversation. That wasn't Kensi Blye's style. They had sex, they teased each other, they had very occasional moments. They didn't talk, though. Kensi cared, he knew, just not in any way she would articulate. Maybe never.

She said, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fantastic," he said. It wasn't very convincing. He said, "You're the one worrying about everything being crazy."

"I was, and then I got in the car."

"Look, I get it, Kensi, things are unsettled with moles and wolfsbane and poisoned Grangers but you can be sure of one thing: you are having sex with someone who has the biggest dick you've ever had."

She laughed. "How are you so sure of that?"

"I assumed," he said. He grinned at her. "You're always saying 'oh, it's so big, Marty, so big.'"

"I never say that, I never call you Marty," she said.

"But if you were making a list, I'd be on top, right?"

"I'm not making a list," she said. She started eating a candy bar.

"You can make just one list, two entries, me and Jack and I'm on top."

She said, "I'm not doing that and I have never said that."

"I'm pretty sure you have," Marty said. "Maybe you can say that tonight."

She rolled her eyes and chewed loudly.

When they were back at his place, Kensi came out of his bathroom naked. She said, "No Aunt flo tonight."

"Awesome," he said. "I'd still do you though."

"Ugh, I wouldn't want you to do it, though." She sat on the bed, legs spread.

"You know what I want," he said. He pulled her to the edge of the bed and got on his knees in front of her. "Say it, baby."

He held her hips as he dived in. She smelled delicious but he was very partial to every part of her. She was wet so quickly. She shivered and shuddered as his tongue went to work. He pulled back a little and she whimpered. "Say it, Kensi."

She said, "I think I need to have your big dick in me before I really start measuring or anything."

"But you're a sniper," he said. He let his fingers do the walking and stroking.

She looked confused and happy. "I'm a sniper?"

"You do all those math things, in your head, when you shoot at people, you should just look and know how big downstairs Marty is," he said. She was fucking herself on his fingers, moaning appreciatively. She sighed and moaned and he felt her come.

She pushed herself up, resting on her forearms. Her boobs were thrust out and she had a fine sheen of sweat. "Did you really just say that as a sniper I should be able to just look at your dick and compare?"

"That sounds a little crazy," he said. He pushed her back onto the bed, getting on top of her. She reached behind her for one of the condoms, opened it and slid it onto him all sexy.

"Being a sniper doesn't work like that," she said. "By the way."

"You imagined it," he said. Then he thrust into her, she lifted her hips to push him deeper. She wrapped her legs around his thighs. He came and she finally said, "Oh, you're so big." He didnt even mind how clearly sarcastic she was.

"I am very happy with your dick," she said as they settled into sleep. He turned off the light.

She said, "If you are upset about something, you really can tell me. I would listen and not laugh like I did when you said my sniper skills were useful for dick measuring." She kissed his shoulder. "If you want to. If not, just know I know and I am happy to listen."

"About my enormous dick," he said. He had an embarrassing catch in his voice.

xwx

Kensi burped. "That is some damn good barbecue," she said. "Thanks for paying."

"No problem, cheapskate," Marty said. He wanted five minutes alone, away from Hetty and Kensi to just deflate. Deflate wasn't the right word, but all of the day's adrenaline was catching up with him and leeching out of his system. His joints hurt. That, he'd been informed by a reliable source, was a sign of stress, the pain in his soul manifesting in ways he wouldn't let out otherwise. His reliable source, also known as his reiki lady, sometimes said things that made even Marty think it was a little too hippie.

"It was nice of Hetty to come," Kensi said, quietly.

"How do you do that? She sent you over there, she lied to me, she was willing to let all of us die in the mission -"

"And you paid for her dinner," Kensi said. "At least I tell someone I'm angry at her instead of just waiting until I'm stuck in traffic with a captive audience -"

"Which someone do you tell again?"

"I tell my therapist," Kensi said, quickly. "And he says -"

"You're dealing with it in a very unhealthy manner by practicing complete denial -"

Kensi put her hand on his thigh. "That's you, Deeks."

"It's called compartmentalization, Kens," he said. "Also I am going to pull over this car and make you say my therapist 500 times because I can not believe you're letting that phrase just trip off your tongue -"

"You like my tongue," she said.

"I hope you're ashamed of how bad that comeback was," he said.

She laughed. "It wasn't my greatest. And you're clearly not pulling over because you love this Tori Amos song."

"I do, but you don't know which one it is," he said.

"You make me listen to her every time I let you drive," Kensi said. "I know this one isn't live because it's not nine minutes long."

Marty hummed along with "why you always go when the wind blows" and said, "Denial works for me. I make it look good."

"I'm looking right at you and those bags under your eyes, it does not look good," Kensi said. She sounded kind for all the thorn in her words. "You know what? I'm not going to talk for the rest of the drive home so you can have your quiet desperation, oops, I mean denial."

"Fine," he said. He tried not to sound thankful. "You love a stone," the man sang from the radio. Fifteen minutes to just breathe through his day and feel his soul pain (he rolled his eyes in his head at his own thoughts which was just sad) become less. Become smaller.

Kensi kept her hand on his thigh.

xwx

Kensi kissed him and continued giving him an excellent handjob while he had three fingers pressed up inside her, his thumb teasing her clit. She was bouncing a little on his lap, in the backseat of her Cadillac. "This is like a Springsteen song," he said.

"Hmm," she said. "What do you want for Christmas?"

"You're asking me now," he said. He pushed up her shirt with his free hand and tugged her bra up.

"It's Christmas in two weeks," she said. She panted, though, so he felt like he was accomplishing something. She was slick in his hand.

"I want to -" She did something with her hand that made him unable to speak for a moment there. "I want to make out less in the back seat of your car."

"Yeah?"

"We're gonna be all messy," he said. "I don't mind, uh, I don't mind at all." Really it was a very superior handjob, top 10 probably.

"We have your tee shirt," she said. She was starting to tremble, which didn't affect her grip at all. One more sign Kensi Blye was an amazing human being.

"I like this tee shirt," he said.

"It's one of your cheap ones," she said. She rested her head and made all sorts of wonderful noises as she came. He slowly withdrew his hand, while she breathed and went back to making him happy.

He came much more loudly. She pulled off his tee shirt and cleaned them both up, mostly. "What if I liked my cheap tee shirt?"

"More than that?" She licked her lips.

"Nope, not at all. But for Christmas I want a replacement, a really good one."

"If that's what you want," she said. Then she started bouncing in her seat to L'il Kim and he stopped trying to talk her.

xvx

Marty said, "Do I not pay enough attention to your fucking beautiful tits when we are making the sex?" He grinned at her.

She said, "That was a lot of sentence there."

"I was just thinking, I feel like maybe I've been neglecting you. Your body parts," he said.

"I'm so glad we're stuck in traffic right now," Kensi said. She pulled out his tablet. "I added Turkish to your languages."

"You're deflecting," he said.

"No," she said. "You are."

"How am I deflecting when we're talking about sex?"

She sighed. "Because you're not asking me, we're not talking about a million things. Like, what are we doing for the holidays? Are we ever going to discuss how often you have nightmares?"

"You have nightmares," he said, deflecting.

"I am seeing a counselor," she said.

"How do you know I'm not?"

Kensi said, "I should know if you're seeing a counselor, I'm your," she paused. "I'm your partner, right?"

"Yes," he said. "You know what I want to know? Why you always bring this stuff up like I don't talk to you but all you ever bring up is how I'm not talking, rather than, I don't know, talking to me about it?"

Traffic cleared and Eric called so Marty never got an answer.

That night she kneeled on his bed and took off her shirt and bra. "You do neglect these beautiful fucking tits, by the way."

"I can address that," he said, pushing her back on the bed.

xzx

"All in," he said, smiling at her.

"Exactly," she said.

"And with this exciting drive up to Mammoth to slip into our roles as boyfriend and girlfriend," he said.

"You boyfriend, me girlfriend," she said.

"You sound terrified," he said, laughing.

"So do you," she said. She laughed, though.

"I made an entire playlist of Tori Amos love songs," he said. "For us."

"She does not have love songs," Kensi said. "What is it, three live covers?"

"No," Deeks said. "She has love songs. Let's move off Tori Amos for a second -"

"Did you actually say that, let's not talk about Tori Amos." Kensi said.

"We're all in, so no more deflecting. What were your questions again?"

She rubbed his thigh. She said, "We should maybe let those conversations happen, you know?"

"Are you deflecting?" He was willing to talk, he really was.

"No," she said. "I just, you know, I've talked to Talia, my mom, my therapist -"

"About me?"

"Yes, of course," she said. She took off her seat belt, leaned over and kissed his cheek. Then she sat back and put her seat belt on again. "I just mean, you're right, I have made a habit of accusing you of not talking or holding things back and I do it all the time. So let's do this, instead of just reeling off confessions, just, let's be open to talking about things."

"That was a really long speech," Deeks said. "I agree with it, but you talked a lot there."

She rolled her eyes, he could hear it in her sigh. "Deeks, you make me regret ever meeting you." When he looked over, she was smiling.

He woke up short of breath, his heart so loud it echoed in his ears. He swallowed twice and looked at the ceiling. Kensi shifted and rested her head on his chest. "What were you dreaming about," she mumbled.

He said, "Same ol', same ol'. My dad, being tortured, seeing a picture of your dead body. " He felt much more calm than he had 90 seconds ago. He said, "I only have nightmares once a week, at most. I've done my time with doctors, I have a reiki lady and acupuncturist, I'm good."

"Deeks, I am trying super hard to accept your reiki lady as an actual counselor who works, but if you think it does, it's okay." She snuggled closer to him.

"You know very well I was on three different mind altering medications for the first year after my fun times with Russian dentistry," he said, stroking her hair.

"Because I saw you taking them, not because you actually told me," she said. "Which is okay, because now we're all in and it's different and it wasn't before. But anyway, you can go back to sleep."

"If you tell me to," he said. He did close his eyes and think of a calm, safe place. Which actually resembled right where he was right now.

xwx

She picked him up at the airport when he got back from Quantico. "How'd you do? You didn't tell me," Kensi said.

"Top 25%," Marty said.

"How many students in the class?"

"20," Marty said, wishing he could take it back. He knew what Kensi would say next.

"So basically you failed," Kensi said, predictably.

"5th in the class is not failing," Marty said.

"5th out of 20 is failing," Kensi said.

"To you," Marty said. "Not to anyone else in their right mind who isn't insanely competitive."

She snorted. "You failed," she said.

"You are being mean," he said.

"We talked on the phone every day, we skyped, you knew that material backwards and forwards. It was irritating how quickly you picked it up," Kensi said.

"Like you and every language known to man and woman?" He reached for the radio and she gently pushed his hand away.

"Yeah, kinda. You are very smart. There's no reason for you not to have been first in your class," Kensi said.

"You're just mad because you think I did not represent NCIS well," Marty said.

"That, too," Kensi said.

"Screw making Hetty look good," he said.

"That is the worst reason I've ever heard to fail a class," Kensi said.

"In no way failed the class. In no way," Marty said.

"You failed yourself," Kensi said.

"I did not," Marty said. "Can you just drop me off at my apartment. I want to see someone who actually loves me and I mean Monty, by the way."

She rolled her eyes, again, and glared at him.

"I love you," she said. "I love you and I expect you to not to slack off to prove some passive aggressive point."

"It's so typical of you that the first time you tell me love me it's you defending calling me a failure," Marty said.

"That wasn't the first time," Kensi said. "Was it?"

"It was," Marty said. "I figured you were waiting for me to say it first because you're a one-upper."

She looked at him, smiling. "Sorry. I love you, though."

"Despite what a slacker I am?"

"I love you for you," she said, somehow making it sound like sarcasm.

"No, I love you for you, you love me for my large penis," Marty said, smiling.

"You love me?" She smiled widely at him.

"A smidge more than Monty," Marty said, truthfully.

"That is so sweet," she said.

"I am sweet," he said.

"You want me to add with a big penis," she said, laughing.

"It would just be nice of you, Kensi," he said.

She came inside with him to his apartment. Monty was still at Eric's, so Kensi basically jumped him right in the living room. She kissed him and had her hands downs his pants, then she said, "You smell like airplane."

"I guess I should take off all my clothes," Marty said.

xyx

"Sam can go to Atlanta, we get to stay home," Kensi said. She was jabbing at the radio again.

"Stop that," he said. "I'm in charge of the radio because I am driving and we are listening to my music."

"It feels unfair," she said. "I care about Callen, you care about Callen."

"Someone needs to protect LA, and who can do that if both Sam and Callen are gone?"

"Oh, I don't know," Kensi said. "LAPD? The NCIS agents who don't work for OSP? DEA agents? Also, do you even listen to music that isn't sad women singing over piano?"

"I listen to a lot of music that is sad men singing over guitar, thank you very much. Hey, speaking of DEA, when's the last time you saw Talia?"

Kensi shook her head. "A week ago, we had lunch on Saturday."

"I feel like you see her less these days," Marty said. "By the way, this song is a man singing over piano. And I don't think he's sad, I think he's ironic."

"Ironic is not an emotion," Kensi said.

"We both know that's not true," Marty said.

"And you don't think I've been seeing Talia lately because we aren't going out drinking. We don't need you to drive, so you think we've drifted apart," Kensi said.

"You mean we - you and Talia, right? You and I are not drifting apart. We're close like ships colliding, or like an iceberg and the Titanic," he said.

"Oh my God, I meant me and Talia. And neither of us, me and Talia, you and me, are drifting apart."

He put his hand on her thigh. She said, "We're at an ice cream shop. And you're feeling me up. Was all this just distraction so I don't worry about Callen?"

"Don't worry as much," Marty said.

xtx

He and Kensi were taking a night off from each other and it had been an incredibly stupid decision. So Marty was driving around Los Angeles like a cliche, listening to Tori Amos not like a cliche.

He looked down at his phone. Kensi had texted him. to me you are bigger than jesus

Marty took the next left towards Kensi's place. He texted her. you are my most beloved lady bird

no that is not a tori amos song that is me marty telling you

but i understand if you were confused

Kensi texted him: if you're not here in ten minutes i am taking it all back