AN: I wrote this because it is never explained what it is that determines Robin is Regina's soulmate. What does it actual mean and are there criteria used to identify him? That somehow led to this, which is also influenced by a certain dating website that tells me someone is a 90% match and I read their profile and have no interest in meeting them.
This is probably going to be a load of angst and I haven't quite worked out the ending, so I can't promise it will be unambiguously happy. It might be happy, but I haven't actually worked it out myself. I don't think the ending will involve anyone important dying though.
Chapter OneRegina is early and sits and observes people entering the restaurant; smiling couple after smiling couple, until an immaculate man around her age enters alone, dressed in an expensive suit. He approaches the maƮtre d' and is shown towards her table, so she smiles in anticipation, but he is led past her, towards another woman sitting alone who looks over the moon when she realizes this man is there to join her. Regina lets out a breath she didn't realize she was holding, guiltily relieved that this man is not her soulmate. She knows she shouldn't have preconceived ideas of what her soulmate will be like, should just have faith that the finely tuned soulmate matching system will know and have found her perfect partner much more reliably than she would have managed herself, and she does have faith, she believes, but she is still relieved that her soulmate is not him.
When Robin (his name being the only thing she knows about him in advance) is shown to her table she is happy. He is acceptably attractive, slightly scruffy and appears to be down-to-earth and pleasant. They talk and he is polite, reasonably attentive and unfazed by the fact she has a five year old son. He consults her on the choice of wine and does not try to order her meal for her. He is nothing like Leo and for thos she is grateful.
Towards the end of the meal Regina excuses herself to use the bathroom, placing her handbag on the counter while she reapplies her dark red lipstick. A woman with long blonde hair bursts into to the room, uses a cubicle and then joins her at the sink, putting a bag almost identical to Regina's down, except Regina can tell that this woman's is a cheap imitation, whereas hers is the real thing.
"Hey, snap" notes the blonde inclining her head towards the bags whilst awkwardly adjusting her tight red dress.
"It's not my usual style," she adds, "but I'm working. I'm just about to bust a guy who's cheating on his wife. I thought I should use the toilet now as it could be a long night once I haul him in."
"For cheating?!" asks Regina with a raised eyebrow. She is not normally one to engage in small talk with strangers, but is feeling magnanimous tonight and this woman is refreshingly different from the stuffy people she has to interact with at work.
"It's a shame that's not an option," quips the blonde.
"No, I'm a bail-bonds woman and he's skipped bail. I found him on a website for those who've realised the whole soulmates thing is not what it's cracked up to be and are looking for some fun."
Regina is put out by the woman's casual dismissal of soulmates. "Surely there can't be many people who want to cheat on their soulmate. I've just met mine tonight and I am sure we are going to be happy together. I imagine that when you meet your soulmate you'll feel the same."
"Not going to happen. I'm thirty-one, I opted out of being matched with someone. If I'm lucky enough to meet someone I like, who likes me back, I want to know they have chosen to be with me, not been told to by a computer. Anyway I've got to go catch my man now. I hope it goes well with your soulmate."
With that the blonde grabs her bag and walks confidently out of the bathroom. Regina is stunned; she's aware that it is in theory possible for people opt out of finding a soulmate but she's never actually heard of anyone who has done so. Being in a relationship once you turn thirty is expected and society isn't set up to accommodate single people without difficulty and anyway, why would anyone chose to remain single when everyone has a soulmate out there for them?
Regina goes to put her lipstick away and realizes the blonde has taken the wrong bag. She picks up the remaining bag with the intention of finding the other woman to exchange it, but as she exits the bathroom she hears a crash and sees an upturned table and the blonde stalking out of the restaurant after a man. She doesn't want to abandon Robin without explanation so quickly finds him and briefly explains, but by the time she gets outside the blonde has vanished.
Regina returns to the restaurant and searches the bag for clues as to the woman's identity, but all it contains is snack bars, handcuffs, tissues and a set of keys. She gives her contact details to the restaurant in case the blonde gets in touch and resumes her evening.
Robin comes home with her and she lets them in with a key she keeps in a key-safe within the shed. The next morning she kisses him goodbye at the door and as he's walking down the front path the blonde from the previous night gets out of a yellow Bug parked outside and heads up the path.
"Is that your soulmate?" the blonde asks without preamble when she gets to the door.
"Yes" replies Regina tersely. "I know you do not approve of the concept, but I am glad to have met him."
"If he makes you happy then why not. Just because I opted out doesn't mean I'm going to judge your choices. I just came to exchange bags," she explains, smiling sheepishly.
Regina realizes the woman is still in the dress from last night, but somehow looks very different, other than being disheveled she has lost the confidence of the previous night and looks almost bashful instead.
I'm sorry I walked off with your bag. I didn't realize until I wanted to handcuff the bail-jumper that I had the wrong one and I couldn't afford to lose him, I needed the money. By the time I'd finished with him it was late. I came round here but the lights were off and I didn't want to disturb you, so I waited until it was morning and I knew you were up."
"Did you sleep in your car?" Regina asked, somewhat incredulously.
"Yes, well I tried" she shrugged. "You have the keys to my flat and anyway I wanted to give you your bag back as soon as possible as I thought you would need it. So if we could just swap bags I'll leave you alone."
"How about you come in for a bit? You can have a shower and I can lend you some clothes. I am going to make some pancakes for Henry and it won't be any trouble to make a few extra."
Regina surprises herself with the offer. She does not usually introduce people to Henry without getting to know them herself first and even though Robin is her soulmate she had still ensured that he had left before Henry was up. But this woman looks like she is cold and tired and Regina feels sorry for her.
The blonde goes to shower and Regina prepares breakfast. Henry comes down so Regina starts making pancakes and she hears the woman enter the kitchen saying "Wow, that smells great."
Regina turns around and the blonde is wearing just a towel, all long limbs and toned muscles, with droplets of water glistening in places that Regina shouldn't be looking.
"Hey kid" the blonde says.
Hi," replies Henry. "Are you my Mom's soulmate?" and Regina is worried that the woman will take offence at the implication.
"No, I don't think I'd be lucky enough for my soulmate to be a woman like your Mom" the woman replies and Regina can't help but feel charmed.
"I'm just here because I accidentally took your Mom's bag last night and when I brought it back this morning she offered me pancakes, and I never turn down pancakes, not that anyone has ever offered me pancakes before."
"I'm Emma Swan, nice to meet you" she says, bending a little and holding out her hand to Henry and Regina tries not to look at the cleavage that is visible when Emma bends.
"I'm Henry Mills" he replies, shaking her hand seriously.
"I'm Regina Mills" Regina adds, realising that until then, despite inviting the woman in and offering her a shower, clothes and pancakes she hadn't even known Emma's name.
Emma turns and focuses on her.
"So I appreciate you lending me clothes, but they're kind of formal and they look really expensive. Do you have anything more casual and machine washable, in case I drop pancakes down it or something?"
Over breakfast, with Emma dressed in a more casual shirt and trousers, which are still expensive, but Regina's not going to tell her that, Henry quizzes Regina about Robin.
"What's your soulmate like? Are you in love? Are they going to come and live with us?"
"His name is Robin, he is very nice, he looks after dogs in a rescue center."
"Wow! Can I go and see the dogs?!" Henry interjects excited.
"I'll ask Robin if you can. I am not in love yet but I am sure we will be soon. It's a bit early to talk about where we might live."
Emma snorts.
"You seem unimpressed Ms Swan. I thought you weren't going to judge."
"I'm not. But all you've really said in his favour is that he's very nice, yet you're talking about falling in love and living together."
"Yes, he's my soulmate." Regina replies brusquely, wondering why it is necessary to state the obvious. Everyone knows that is how these things work. People's genetic profile, star sign and answers to psychometric tests completed as a teenager are fed into a computer and a soulmate is identified for them. They have their 20s to develop careers and make friends, then once they get to thirty they make arrangements to meet their soulmate, because by that age people are ready to settle down and start a family.
The matching program has been highly developed, tested and modified over the years and is now widely held to be the most reliable way to find someone with whom you will fall in love and be contentedly able to spend the rest of your life. Admittedly there are some people who meet someone and fall in love before they reach thirty and are brave or foolhardy enough to believe that they are better off being with someone they have chosen for themselves. Such relationships are accepted, because they do not live in an authoritarian state, and are referred to by those in them as 'true love', but they are not common because most people prefer to trust in the system, and it is almost unheard of for someone to be single at the age of thirty and to decide against meeting their soulmate in the way that Emma has.
Regina has never fallen in love, but believes in the soulmates system. Unfortunately her controlling mother, who comes from a country where people marry and have children at a young age, does not believe in the system. She thought it was in Regina's best interests to marry a wealthy man early and forced her to marry Leo. Regina had not enjoyed this marriage and was relieved that Leo died when she was twenty-eight, but would never be sorry that the relationship had given her Henry.
"Fine, whatever" Emma replies, clearly not convinced that Robin being Regina's soulmates is enough to guarantee them a future together.
"Have you got a soulmate, Emma?" Henry asks. "Or a true love? Or are you not old enough?"
"Henry, I don't think Ms Swan was expecting to be interrogated when she came to return my bag."
"It's fine," Emma replied.
"I once thought I'd met my true love, but I was wrong. I'm old enough to have a soulmate, but I don't want one."
"Why not?!"
"I don't want to be told who to love."
"Henry, stop asking questions and go and brush your teeth. I think we should stop taking up Ms Swan's time and let her go home."
"Fine, I know when I've outstayed my welcome. See ya kid." Emma says, walking into the hall as he goes upstairs.
Regina follows Emma into the hall and hisses at her "I'd appreciate it if you did not fill my son's head with your unhealthy ideas. You might be prepared to spend your life alone but I want Henry to be happy."
"Right, so you don't want me to judge you, but it's fine for you to judge me? Anyway, thanks for the clothes, I'll bring them back soon. I'll just write down my details so you know I'm not going to run off with them." Emma replies, writing down her number and address on a notepad on the table in the hall.
"That's hardly necessary" Regina replies, but Emma just storms out of the door, slamming it behind her.
More notes
The title come's from Tim Minchin's song, which it is in no way necessary to be familiar with in order to read this story.
As you might have guessed I have a cynical view on the concept of soulmates. I do very much believe in all kinds of love* though and that people can be willing to risk their life for someone they love, or get sucked into a vortex of evil for them, or less extremely to give them a kidney or something.
*In Regina and Emma's case it will be romantic love.
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The fact that Cora comes from another unspecified country is not meant to be any form of racism, I just needed a reason for her to not subscribe to the soulmates idea and to force Regina to marry Leo. I hope no one hates the fact that Leo is Henry's father, in the show Neil is his father and I'm not a massive Neil fan, but I don't think that matters to who Henry is as a person. I'm not going to talk much about Leo in this story, but please assume he was a distant kind of father and for the three years of Henry's life that he was around he didn't interact with him very much.
