Attack of the Puffins
Summary: A dozen puffins plus a plan to take over the world plus a snowball fight equals Nordic crack. No pairings.
A/N: THIS IS COMPLETE AND UTTER CRACK. NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I WRITTEN SOMETHING AS SILLY AS THIS. I hope y'all like it! Also, puffins sound ridiculous. "Soft growling-moaning," indeed.
Mr. Puffin fluffed his feathers as he gave an Intense Puffin Stare™ at the men outside, who were having a snowball fight. Norway grabbed Iceland and ducked behind their fort, saving them from certain defeat. They quickly popped back up and retaliated with an armful of snowballs. Denmark was struck and he waved his arms around, dropping his weaponry in his hurry to wipe the snow off his face.
"Cheating bastards!" he howled when he was hit again, this time by Sweden. "Traitors and cheating bastards, the lot of ya!"
"Shut up!" Norway yelled back, winding his arm back and pitching with incredible force; Denmark was felled, cursing all the while.
Iceland, seeing an incoming snowball, pushed his brother out of the way. "They still have Finland and Sweden," he reminded him, and was promptly pelted with snowballs.
The puffin, seeing enough, turned to its puffin companions and gave a series of what sounded like groans that roughly translated to something about taking over mankind because humanity was too violent, indicating the Nordics with an extended wing to use them as an example.
With its plan told, the puffins flew out of the open window to enact it. Seven of them headed straight for Denmark, Sweden, and Finland, and the other five went to Norway and Iceland.
Sweden defended Finland nicely; one look at his Intense Berwald Stare™ was enough to make a bird lock its wings and fall to the ground, frozen in terror. The ones that didn't were attacked ferociously with snowballs. Denmark, without Sweden's protection, scooped up snow and threw them wildly, looking like a crazed octopus.
On the other side of the lawn, Norway calmly hit the birds with their prepared balls, trying to ignore Iceland, who was being attacked by his own puffin. "Why, Mr. Puffin?" he cried, giving an undignified shriek when it swooped down to attempt to claw him. "After all I've done for you!"
"Why are you trying to reason with a puffin?" Finland called, trying to decide whether to laugh at the absurdity of the situation or cry at how they were being sieged by puffins.
"He has a good point," Norway agreed, not even glancing at his brother, fending off the avians with ease.
Denmark gave a loud shout, tripping. "Jesus fucking Christ! These birds are fucking persistent!" He was assailed by squawking birds, drowning out his screams of protest.
Sweden wondered how twelve birds could have caused such havoc.
"Berwald!" Finland exclaimed, clutching his sleeve. "You're our last hope! You have to use your secret weapon!"
Though Sweden did not like to use it, he couldn't say no to his wife's pleading puppy eyes. He gave a great sigh and turned to the birds, showing off the greatest weapon society has ever known (and yes, it was worse than England's cooking, before you ask): Burning Berwald Eyes of Fury Over Nine Thousand™.
The puffins, faced with an obstacle that set a whole new bar, were left with no choice but to retreat.
Mr. Puffin groaned creakily in a threat to return again.
When the birds flew away, Denmark pulled himself to his feet and exchanged glances with Finland and Sweden. The three turned to Norway and Iceland, the former of which was murmuring something to his flushed sibling. Denmark made a face and said, "The birds here are crazy." His companions agreed whole-heartedly.
Iceland huffed in irritation, but couldn't argue with them.
And that was the day humankind was saved by Sweden.
