I Want
Her eyes glistened with the tears that she didn't dare cry. They pleaded with me, begging "please don't leave," her soul which was once lost to me, was revealed as she tried to hold back her pain. "I need you."
And mine replied back. "I'm so proud of you."
I had to leave, but I couldn't tear myself away from her. "I'll never forget you." I begged her to understand. And she smiled. I know. She knows. And yet it was the end.
"I've got a plane to catch." I smiled at her one last time, and memorised the image of her lovingly watching me. "Goodbye."
And then I was gone.
Sitting on the plane her face is still at the front of my mind. The tears haunt me. I finally know exactly what our relationship meant to her. And it's too late.
All through my childhood I could have exactly what I wanted: John wanted an antique rocking horse, John got one. If John wanted a pony, John got two.
An endless supply of everything a child needs… apart from love; and so I learnt to deal with what I could get, and eventually I convinced myself I'd got what I wanted.
Now I realise how true it is when adults say to children "I wants don't get". I wanted Abby so badly; but she couldn't bring herself to open up to me and I couldn't let myself just love her and not expect anymore. I wanted my life to be perfect. So I ran, and I found it. Kem and our baby were all I wanted and all I needed. I convinced myself it was perfect.
Until Joshua died that is, and my whole world fell apart. John wants a pony, John gets. John wants a family, and everything falls apart around him. Joshua was gone, Kem was gone, and I was left wanting again. My grief over the loss of my son led me to grieve over my lost girlfriend too. And I wanted her back, so badly.
Then suddenly I was in Paris, standing in front of her door, soaking wet. And I had her. Finally what I wanted was within my grasp. And she'd said yes. She wanted me too.
Now, I'm sat on a plane on my way to meet her in Paris, where we will marry before travelling together to Kinshasa. And I'm thinking about Abby. My once best friend, confidant and companion. And I realise how stupid I was to let her go. But can she give me what I want?
I want to be loved. So I'm going with the safe option – the option that guarantees a peaceful relationship and friendship, and a happy family with my wife and children. And at least the pretence of love. Rather than risk everything else that I ever wanted for the most amazing, perfect love I have ever experienced.
"It says that I'm scared and that I know I have a lot to learn…"
If there's one thing life has taught me it's that we learn nothing. Everything that happens teaches us an important lesson about who we are, or who we love. And yet so we ever really listen and learn?
Which means that for now I'll stay on a plane to Paris. I'll continue to want what I can't have and I will never forget her. I need her. And someday in the future, I hope we will meet again. And I pray to God that I will learn. And that'll be all I ever need.
